Letter to Sara

Dearest Sara,

As I presume will be the case with some letters to come, I doubt you will ever actually read this. This letter is more for me to be able to sort through my thoughts and try to move past them. You know how I tend to think hard, but think really slow. I'm hoping that this letter will let me finally put my thoughts to rest and let me move on. You've held hold of my heart and mind for long enough. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance to. Anyways, if you ever did decide to give me the time of day, this is what I want to say.

Man, I just don't know how you got me so so wrong. I mean, you know me right? You know I'm practically impotent at communication over text. You know that I'm not condescending, or judgmental, or an asshole. You know these things about me, so why the heck, over one short burst of text conversation, would you decide that everything you know about me is totally wrong??? Why wouldn't you at least try to talk to me to understand what went wrong? Why would I suddenly be acting and talking so different from what you've always known me to be? Am I not worth the effort to understand? Do you not care? You told me you love me! I thought that meant you care! When you told me you'd be there for me no matter what, I thought that meant that you would at the absolute minimum talk to me no matter what! I'm so vehemently frustrated! And angry! I don't deserve to be cast aside like this. From the very conversation that you threw me away over I commiserated with you how we both have the flaw of thinking too little of ourselves and that we both needed to remember that we are not garbage to be thrown away. We both deserve better. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I meant what I said. I'm mad, but I will always care for you. Call it condescending if you want, but I call that at least a little bit of love. I love you, especially as I have gotten to know you more. I think the world of you. I don't know how this could have turned out so wrong. I guess some miscommunication when talking about hurts would do it eh? Yeah, about that...

I still am not brave enough to re read our last conversation. The panic I feel thinking about it, I just can't right now. Which is a little pathetic I admit, but you already know how painful this is. Having someone you deeply care about cut you out? It hurts deep. But despite that I still keep going back to the parts I do remember. For the first couple months I keep thinking, "What the hell happened? What went wrong?" I tried to talk to you, but I shouldn't have ever tried to text. I should have just asked to meet. Then maybe we could have understood each other. I remember the panic of that last conversation. The weeks of writing and rewriting my message, trying to explain as succinctly as possible, while also trying to bridge towards you, who I treasure. I remember the feeling of this precious relationship slipping through my hands. Thinking back I remember talking about Grace and having no clue why she had come up. I think I understand now, but then I was just afraid that you were maybe misunderstanding something about my previous relationship in a way that made it relevant to ours. I didn't realize you thought I was comparing my relationship with Grace to yours with Ryan and Alex. It seems so obvious now, but I was so panicked and defensive, and you seemed to mad and insulting. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't aware enough to bypass the things that didn't matter and hone in on what had actually gone wrong.

I think I have figured it out though. Of course, I don't really have a way of knowing, but I think I really got it. It comes down, as it did a few times in our disagreements, to a different understanding of words. I've talked to a few people and I've learned that my understanding of 'flaws' is actually different from most people's. Not a good thing. Not at all. You see, I think of people sort of like stained glass windows. Beautiful, shining in light, but with many cracks. I thought of those chips and cracks in the glass as flaws. The word I should have been using was brokenness. I don't think of a flaw as intrinsically negative. They can easily lead to negativity, the word I had in my head being faults, but did not have to. When you said that those things I listed weren't flaws, but just things that happened to you, I pretty much agree! They are spots of deep brokenness in you, and a number of them parallel cracks in my own life. I remember you texting me that a flaw is "pushing yourself too hard" which confused me at the time. I mean, that could be the result of a flaw (my thinking) but seemed more like a quirk of personality. I'm sorry I think so differently. Sometimes people find it novel, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I try to ask lots of questions, so I can understand as much as possible the way someone else is thinking. I just couldn't do it enough over text. I didn't understand where the breakdown in communication was happening. I was truly trying to encourage you, not stand in judgement or condemnation. I wasn't even thinking of my own experience in pointing those four things out! I was remembering the conversations we had had before and trying to give you a different way of looking at those broken parts and seeing how they weren't as damaged as you may have thought. Ironic that from your perspective I was laughing at how bad you were in those areas.

I guess I want to try to explain why I did point out those particular places of brokenness. I guess I really misunderstood what you were trying to say to me in those conversations. You weren't the only one who misunderstood. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand. I thought that I did understand, but I see now just how mistaken I was.

Firstly was talking about previous relationships. I recall having several conversations over the course of our relationship, but the particular one you said something that I remember perfectly because I thought it was so poetic. You said "I guess the relationship was over before we actually broke up." It was about Ryan and Alex that you said that, so I really shouldn't have generalized and said it was "some of your past relationships". Should have been more specific I guess. I see why you thought I was comparing your relationships to my relationship with Grace. At the time I was just baffled as to why she came up. I wasn't thinking about her at all. Just what you had previously told me. Though you did mischaracterize my relationship with her... It doesn't really matter though. She wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having.

The second thing with talking badly about yourself was pretty much exactly the conversation we had had a couple weeks before that, and it didn't seem you took offence to it either time, so I'll just leave it. You did comment that you really liked the way I'd put it the first time though, so I think you got what I was saying. Don't make a description become a prescription. Anyways...

Talking about self worth was probably what I'm most confused about. If you assume that I was using the normal definition of flaw then what I said really wouldn't have made any sense. And it seems, thinking back on it, that you didn't think it made sense, but you just insulted me instead of asking me to make sense of it. It could have been the perfect opportunity to find out where the wires were getting crossed. Man, I wish we could have been more clear headed. I was terrified and you were mad, and now I'm somewhat mad and you're just... Well I guess I don't really know you as well as I thought, so I have no idea what you're thinking. Maybe you still think about me and wonder what went wrong, or maybe how you could have missed how awful I am, or maybe you just aren't thinking about me at all. Just purged me from your life scorched earth style. I hope not. I still hope we can reconcile someday. Someday we can understand each other and start again. I really like you. I think we could have a truly wonderful friendship.

Finally is the one that you seemed to have gotten the most mad at. Talking about Jeff. Now here I think I did actually make a presumption. At least in one part. I didn't only go by what we had talked about in the past. But we'll get to that.

I remember talking a couple times about Jeff and marriage. In particular I remember talking one time in your room about marriage vows. I can't remember exactly what you said, but when I asked you about what you thought of wedding vows and maybe marrying again in the future, you said something along the lines of, "I do think the vows matter a lot. I'd really have to think about it before doing something like that again." Again, I don't remember your exact words, but I don't know how else to interpret what I do remember. The topic changed soon afterwards, so I didn't really get into details with you, but I can't imagine what you meant other than that you'd really have to consider yourself before making vows again. I don't see any other interpretation. I'd love to get clarity, because you seemed really upset about that in particular. That's not me calling you a bad person for getting a divorce. You told me only a little bit of the details, so all I have to go off is what you told me. I just know that when I broke my word it broke a bit of me, and it sounded to me like the same happened with you. I can't imagine how deep that brokenness goes in you. I'm sorry that it happened.

And the last thing that I am very sorry for is making a presumption. I said that you should have fought harder for your marriage. And I shouldn't have. I don't know the full situation. I don't know how hard it was to stay. I just know when you told me that you wished that he had fought for you, I thought you wanted him to have fought as hard as you had. I thought that because when I've talked to every one of my friends who have gotten a divorce, every one of them said they wish they had fought harder for their marriage. The men and the women. I presumed that you were like that as well. I shouldn't have thought that and I'm sorry.

I guess that's it then, huh? I wanted to explain myself a little bit. Try to help you understand where I'm coming from and see that you took what I was trying to say over text in the wrong way. I definitely see that I never should have tried to say anything really tough over text. You'd think I'd have learned that by that point! I'm sorry that I couldn't communicate well. And it cost me you. One of the people I care most about. I still feel hurt, angry, sad.. sometimes. I guess I thought that I was worth fighting for. I thought that you loved me. I love you. Always will. It'll never look like it did, but when I said I'd be here for you no matter what I meant it. You will always be special. I will always care for you. Goodbye, sweet Sar-bear.

Another one done

 It's been another year. A really odd year. I can't quite describe how out of the ordinary it was. It's like every part of my life that I've spent more than a decade working on and building all got thrown out the window seemingly for nothing. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but what the crap was all that? I thought I was moving in the right direction, thought God was leading me to Calgary, to new opportunities, new relationships, new joys. Instead I mostly just got really really really lonely. Sara was a welcome respite in that, one that I selfishly took advantage of. I've a new appreciation of my own depravity. My selfishness, lies, manipulations, faithlessness, and duplicity. My selfishness lead to harming possibly my favorite relationship I've ever been in. Sara was incredible. She kept me sane during insane work hours, long long weeks, and stressful trip planning. She was so much of what I could possibly hope for. Fun, funny, incredibly gorgeous, smart, outspoken, a board gamer, caring, a great cook, thoughtful, always looking for adventure. I learned and grew a lot from her. And I screwed it all up. The start of the relationship was rocky. She's not a Christian, so I didn't want to introduce her to my friends and family because I didn't want any of them to tell me no. That this was a bad idea. That we'd butt heads about really important things. But I didn't care. I was lonely. That insipid killer, loneliness. I felt like life was just... drudgery. Day after day after day. No hope. She gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was actually good enough to be with someone as wonderful as her. I hurt her. I was the monster. I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship, but this time I was the heart breaker. It's not easier on the other side. It's not nice to look at yourself and groan. Sure she hurt me back. I'm in so much pain right now. But I started it. I just wish I could talk to her. We could figure out anything if we talked face to face. Anything. And we had. Sure, we didn't always reach a conclusion, but we pushed through and knew that we were on each other's team. I won't pretend that I was willing to be all in, but things were really good. We had a lot of fun together. We cared deeply for one another. At least I thought we did. Maybe I just hurt her too bad. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to figure things out. I just don't understand... She knows I'm garbage at texting. I told her that I couldn't fight over text. It was too hard. I couldn't make myself clear. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't use the intonation to show that no matter what I was on her side. I think I screwed up in what I texted to her. She asked me to tell her her faults, and after confirming she really wanted me to, I did. I mirrored back the places she had told me she was broken. Past relationships, self worth, self image. She blew up at me. Called me names, of all things. I didn't know how to react. If we were talking we could have figured it out. I'm simultaneously terrified and furious. Why be mad at me for what she asked for? Why blow up about things that she had said? Because I listened to her? Because we weren't together anymore so I wasn't supposed to remember? What if I lose her forever? Last year she was the best thing in my life. Now she's gone. Maybe not forever, but she was so angry. So hurt. I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could be honest and open with each other. Where we'd be there for each other no matter what. We both said those words. That we'd be there for each other. Why would she lie? I know she didn't mean to, that she meant it in the moment, but isn't the whole point of being a man or woman of your word to have what you say matter? What you promise? Well, I guess I'm not one to talk. I lied and hid to everyone else in my life. I'm no better. I'm worse. She at least tried. I'm trying now. I've told everyone everything. Begged forgiveness for my lies. Now I just hope I can ask her forgiveness too. I desperately hope for it. I desperately hope that this wasn't all for nothing. That I didn't lose one of the best things in my life. It just HURTS. I cried so hard for so many days. I just don't understand. 2024 has been really rough so far. There is hope on the horizon, but it's such a long way off. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep struggling towards it. I know that the next six days will be better. The next six weeks will be better. The next six months will be better. I just can't see that in there here and now. I feel hopeless. We'll see.

The Fight

There is a song that has been really inspiring me lately, though it is just the song written for the League of Legends world series. Not the song I'd have expected to really speak to me, but there you go. I've been thinking a lot about having a warrior's heart. Pressing on against any opposition. Of becoming unstoppable. This song reminds me of a part of the man I want to become, and the man that I slowly am becoming. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB8TyLTD7EE

Get it off my chest

I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...


I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.

Turmoil in paradise

So here's the problem. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. But. At least from the last time I talked with her I discovered that my throat starts to seize up when I started trying to confront this problem. What is this problem you ask? You see, she's married, but going through a divorce, and is now living with her new boyfriend, who just got her pregnant. Never mind that she didn't tell me that she got pregnant. I found that out from another friend, who playfully said, "oh, but you probably already knew that!" I haven't felt so crushed since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. I can't even describe... And it wasn't even until last month, which means that I am most likely the last person in her life that heard the news. I get why she did it kinda. I mean, she didn't want me to be all disappointed or something. That would probably have been pretty hard on her. I mean, I'm her best friend. What I think matters. Frick. Well apparently I am minding that, so sue me. But back to the problem. She told me that she and him 'decided' to have a child together because they're running out of time to build a family (which is bullshit) and that it was hard to fight against the temptation, and it just felt right. But when you're faced with temptation, you don't just fall into it, you run from it. Get out! And I've been dealing with a few mormons for a while now, and the most frustrating thing about the situation is that they are so driven by emotion and feelings! "You just need to read the Book of Mormon with a true heart and then pray, and you'll feel that it's true. You'll know." THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. Christianity and the Bible teaches that we can know what's right and true by READING THE BIBLE. It is our final authority. It in fact teaches in Jeremiah that the heart is desperately wicked. Desperately. Do you understand what that means? That means that it will take every single chance to push to wickedness. That feelings are almost the opposite of what we should be looking to. Huh. Apparently I'm also really frustrated with the mormons. Good to know. But anyways. I know that we are supposed to correct each other as brother and sister in the Lord. We are told that we need to keep each other accountable and to lovingly point out where we need to pay attention to our sin and work together to fix it. And from the sound of it, no one in her life is telling her that what she's doing is so so wrong. But I'm terrified to confront her on it. I confronted her before with her husband before they got married. Ironically in almost the exact same situation. And I hurt her. I failed in my love. I couldn't figure out how to communicate in a way that was loving and truthful. I've always been good at truth. I'm smart. But I suck when it comes to emotions, and love has a lot of emotions as part of it. So I don't want to hurt her again. Because it hurts me. Sigh... The worst thing is that I don't have a solution for her. Because now everything is more complicated with a kid and another one on the way. I don't know what the right answer is. I think I know the wrong answer, but I feel like that's not good enough. I don't want to screw with her life, but I feel like I can't sit by and say nothing. I'm supposed to be her best friend. We should be able to talk about anything, to say anything, and know that we're on each other's team. I want her to know that I'm behind her, but I can't agree with her current choice. And I want that to be okay. I miss her so badly. I miss having someone that I can talk about the hard things with. Heck, I miss having someone around that's less broken than I am.

Backpacking through life

It's a new year. Yep. I was hoping that the new year would be full of new opportunities, but so far everything has been rather crappy. And considering it's only the first day, that's really not a good thing! But here's the thing, I had a crappy day and ended up calling my good friend Carl, who I haven't had a chance to talk with for a while. Almost over Christmas, but it didn't work out. And I just got to tell him everything that was going on and everything that was frustrating me and it was really really good. I never really talk about myself to people, which is a little odd. But it was good. It was good to process a bit and just be frustrated and angry and tired. I'm too private, and I think that partly has to do with how I always pick the most troubled people as my closest friends. So I can focus on them and help them, but I don't feel I can put any of my problems or frustrations on them. Which probably isn't true, but that's the way I work. But Carl reminded me of something that I forgot, and something I need to do more thinking on. He reminded me that I can always see the good in people and in situations. And that is really important for me to remember because it's true. I often feel like I'm cynical, and to a point I am, but that's really only when it comes to general things. But when it comes to the specifics, to the people I see day to day, I really look for the good. And that gets me into trouble sometimes because I avoid seeing the bad that's going on. That gets me hurt sometimes. I really need to keep looking for the good though, because I'm struggling right now. I can see the good in others but I just can't in myself and my situation. I feel like a failure, like I just can't make it. I feel so tired. I thought to myself this morning, "could someone stop the world please? I'd like to get off". But there is good. I have some places where I'm learning. I have a job. I have friends here that, even if we're not as close as I used to be, care about me and I care for. I miss Rayne though. So much. God give me strength and endurance as I try desperately to run this race. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Happy New Years everyone. Good night.

Are we the unchurched generation?

This is something I've been meaning to write for a very long time. A few of my friends have decided that they don't want to go to church. That they've got their own way of doing things. While I realize that everyone has a different way that they connect with God best, it's unbelievably obvious to me that they've been badly misguided. As Pastor Scott at my church is so fond of saying, "The church is God's plan A. There is no plan B."

As I've been fond of saying lately, let's have a look at what Jesus did. I figure that, being perfect, he probably has the best possible habits that we can follow. Starting right at Luke 2:41 there is the story of Jesus leaving Joseph and Mary and staying in the temple at the ripe old age of 12. When they ask him why he would do such a thing he replies, "Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" And in case you forgot, he's God. That means that there really wasn't much for him to learn there. I know he limited himself, but still, if God decides that it's good to go to the temple to learn, you'd better believe it's a good idea for us too! This attitude he continues for the entirety of his life. Later he was more into the teaching rather than the learning, but again, isn't that a good reason for us to go to church? If we're a little more knowledgeable than others, the best thing we can do is share it. We're all part of the team. We're all part of the family. So really, shouldn't we all be saying, "Didn't you realize that I must be in our Father's house?"

So, if you don't think that simply following in Jesus' footsteps was a good enough reason (though I'd be very worried if you didn't...) let's look at the early church. Acts 2:42-46 tells us that the early Christians devoted themselves to fellowship, attended the temple together and broke bread together. It seems that simply going to church together wasn't good enough! In Hebrews 10:25, Paul pleads for them to "not neglect meeting together, as is the habit of some..." It seems staying isolated is the exact opposite of what we're supposed to be doing as Christians.

Another line of reasoning is in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. There we're told that we are all part of the body of Christ. There's the funny yet profound questioning of the eye saying it doesn't need the hand, or the foot saying it isn't as good as the hand. In verse 14 it says "the body does not consist of one member, but of many." So then I ask, isn't is foolish to think that we can be apart from the body? It's as silly as thinking that the head can live without the heart. Alone we're just ears, eyes, and hands flopping around not doing anything. It's only together that we can actually accomplish anything of any worth.

Church is where we can love one another (1 John 4:12), encourage one another (Hebrews 3:13), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), instruct one another (Romans 15:14), honor one another (Romans 12:10), and be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32). How can we do these things for each other if we're not around each other? How can we be know by our love for one another (John 13:35) if we're never seen together? I ask you, what are you doing?

The big reason that I haven't actually written this out until how (aside from the fact that this isn't as long as a full sermon) is because the people that I'd actually teach this to aren't the ones who need to hear it. I pray that God will use this as it's sitting here to maybe teach those of you who do need to hear it. I hope that I get to meet you! I have to say that that is one of my favorite things about church. Getting to meet together with people that share a lot of the same ideals and thoughts with me. Getting to go to a safe space where I can be encouraged and learn. I really do love learning. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little I really know! I hope that you'll go to church. I know that they're not all as great as mine. I know that there will be conflict, people that you don't like. I know that. But remember that we're all on the same side, part of the same family. Sure our brothers and sisters may drive us nuts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. My dear brother or sister, I hope that I'll get the opportunity to meet you too.

Is this the last hurrah?

Good day good sir, madam, or whomever ye may be. Apparently I'm in a strange mood... As always, it's been a wonderful Christmas season again, although I didn't get to see all of the cousins.. Next time Sean! Also Rob. Didn't see him. But I'm sure you don't care much about that now do you? No, you're here to hear my witty and intelligent thoughts on society, religion, life, and so on. Right?

The more I learn the more I find that I don't know enough. Every time I discover some interesting tidbit, I find that there's a new challenge that I'm not even close to being ready to face. What do I mean? Well, in case you didn't know, I've been heavily involved with things at my church, UDAC. I've actually been doing sermons, which I promise to post soon, for the young adults at least once a month. On top of that I also run games nights, a walking with God study, and GM for a pathfinder group. This coming semester I want to also start a men's ministry focusing on mentorship, as well as starting anew my apologetics bible study hybrid. Getting off topic, but I'll talk about those later. Because of my involvement, I've been more aware of other people's ideas and have been working to engage more with them, especially at school. This has been, to say the least, quite the challenge. There's been questions on the Trinity, on Jesus' divinity, on the nephalim, evolution, all sorts of stuff that I used to know, but have forgotten so much of. It feels like every step I take forward, my mind slips back two.. And with the sermons, every time I speak I learn something new. That's a good thing, but I feel like I can never get every important thing out in the one sermon. Like every tidbit needs to be explored and understood. That's really frustrating! As I don't have the time to either speak about it, or to study everything to my satisfaction. I guess that's just the curious/teacher side of me and my insatiable thirst for knowledge. I really wish it actually worked to improve your memory. Cuz I've tried. Man have I tried... Yeah, there's some stories there. Some pain. Though I guess there's some pain if you go anywhere. If that's what you look for. Maybe that's my trouble.

I'm gonna be honest with you. This semester has been just bad... There isn't the right word. Horrible? Terrible? Disastrous? Bad is the most general, yet negative word I can think of at the moment. Rough. It's been rough. I had two friends walk away from the church, a friend attempt suicide, a friend decide she didn't want to talk to me anymore.. I felt abandoned at church, I felt inadequate to speak, to get a job, to do well in school. At church my four closest friends all left for different reasons. I guess one didn't leave, but things just haven't been the same for some unfathomable reason. I just felt so crushed. Always tired. I spent so many days wondering if it would matter if I were here. Not in a suicidal way mind you, I just felt defeated. Unworthy. Useless. Abandoned. I find it amazing that I can say now that I'm stronger for it. It's been tough, and I'm still not past everything, but I do feel stronger. I had a good friend of mine as for advice, and I was actually able to help him out. That's something I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know... I guess I just feel like myself again to a point. But I almost fell back into what I was before. Before I knew God. That emptiness. I'm so grateful that He decided to still talk with me! To teach me the things I needed to hear in my own sermons. To send those unexpected people to remind you that you're not nothing. That really is the fight that I have over and over. The struggle against nothingness. I'm scared that I'll never kick it. That I'll always be haunted by it. That I'll always be afraid. But that's what's driving me on to try and get back to God over and over! That's why I'm genuinely wanting to get involved. To make a difference. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I honestly don't have the words to express how hard this semester has been. I can't tell you how hard it is to fight against the weariness. Please pray.

But, (ah that ever interesting word) I have my plans for the coming year. Let me tell you about them and why I want to do them! I'll go over them in the same order that I wrote them up above.

Sermons! I'm still going to be doing them, and I think it quite obvious why this is important. Without learning, without that growth, I don't actually think it possible to be a Christian. And let me tell you, teaching teacher more than being taught! I think that every person should teach something, which is one thing that I want to get into in my apologetics hybrid, but we'll get to that. Anyways, I absolutely love speaking, and most people say they enjoy them and get something from them, so I guess I'm doing a decent job. Always room for improvement though! I'll be getting Pastor Scott to help me out with that!

Games night! Not one you'd normally think of as being important to the Christian walk which, if you haven't noticed, is something I've been especially focused on, and will continue to be. I keep learning that God has good things to say on almost literally everything, so I've been looking for opportunities to put what I learn into practice! Games night, right. This is to promote the combining of the different age groups. So many churches that I have been to have such distinct lines between the kids, the youth, the young adults, the 'regular' adults (still haven't thought of a good title for that), and the seniors. The church is supposed to be a family. More than that, a single organism, one body. How can we be that if we keep splitting off? At games night I ask everyone to attend (and to bring any friends, so we've had a few non-Christians come, which is exciting) and we've had some success with that. Had a couple seniors, two adults, a ton of young adults, and six kids/youth (have I mentioned I'm terrible at guessing ages?) come, and I'm hoping it'll keep expanding this next semester. Lord knows I can support a ton with my giant collection of games!

Walking With God Study! This is something Rayne and I have been doing together. We just started the week before finals, so I'm not worried that it was just us for the first two weeks! But anyways, Rayne is dyslexic, and finds it hard to connect with God through reading the Bible all the time. I can relate, and so can a bunch of other people! Which is why we started this. It's learning different ways to get to know God, specifically focusing on His creation! So we'll be doing things such as nature walks and... I honestly have no idea. It'll be an adventure that's for sure! This is a brand new way of thinking for me, and I'm excited to see where it leads!

GMing a Pathfinder Game! Again, not something you'd think would be important to a Christian life. This one is a little more personal. I have a friend who comes who isn't a Christian, and he loves to talk about religion, and to be honest is more informed on a lot than me. Before we start we always end up talking for a half hour or so, and quite often have really good talks about Christianity. He's great source for challenges, and I hope that I and the others in the group can challenge him. The group also has a few of my friends that have a hard time fitting into the 'normal' crowd, so I'm really glad that I am able to create a place for them to be comfortable and have fun in!

Men's Ministry! Again, I've noticed at a lot of churches the extent of the men's ministry is to have a breakfast once a month. That's it. I feel that that is a huge wasted opportunity and I'm planning on finding some like minded men to fix that! I already have at least one on board. Basically this is both because I want to build that interconnectedness that we're supposed to have as Christians, but there's also a very personal reason I want to have a mentor around. Over the summer, and with talking to Luke, I've found that pornography is a huge problem for, unfortunately, the vast majority of young adult men. I always kind of knew that, but it never really clicked until this semester. So the first thing that I want to address is porn. How to fight it, how to help others, and what it really does to us. I've learned so much from my sermons on the incredible importance and value of both sex and marriage, and porn is so destructive of that. I know because I struggle with it daily. I know that I need backup because I fail so hard and so often, and I want to make an opportunity for others like me to learn from people who understand and have gone through it. I know that porn is also an issue for girls (surprise!), but I'm not sure I'm ready to do things with that yet. Although it's just as destructive... So yeah! Fight against porn and connect through the ages. Alright!

Finally is the Apologetics Bible Study Hybrid! This is basically just restarting the study that I did last year. Over the summer Justine took it over and it moved away from the apologetics and more towards the Bible study. That's definitely good, but it's not what I feel I'm called to. So I want to start again with the study the way that I did it. Although I know that there are a few other guys that want to get in on it, as well as a good friend from another church! So I'm hoping what will happen is that we can combine to have a place for both our churches to come to get equipped against all the modern challenges! Lord knows I need the practice... I also want to run it differently in that I don't want to be doing all of the leading. I've learned that a good way to split is having a leader to keep the study on track and bring the material, someone to engage the group and make sure everyone is included and heard (I can't remember the name of this job), and the host, who prepares the study area. I was doing all of those things when I was leading, and it was really too much. So I think I'll try to do it more in this split way this time. Oh! And apologetics is important because people are lazy. We Christians in North America just don't think much! We don't learn the most basic of things, and then get wholly disillusioned when someone comes in with the most stupid of challenge, and we don't have an answer. I get so frustrated with our laziness (and yes, I'm in there too), and I want this study to be where we can go to actually learn the things that we should know. A place where any sincere question is a good question. I want to equip people to face the challenges. Because honestly, there are really not that many hard ones. We've just become fat. Oh man, I have a lot more to say on that, but I think I'm done for tonight!

I hope that you've had a fantastic Christmas season, and I hope that God blesses you in the coming year! See you on the other side.

A New Dawn

It's finally the end of the summer and just about time to start school again. Only two more days! Well, one, it is Tuesday right now I guess. I'm really excited to see what God has in store for this coming year. I know that things are going to be really challenging because I'm putting myself out in new ways. I want to live for God rather than just say I do. This summer has been an extremely long and painful time (every year I like summer less and less), but I have learned a lot. I've learned to love for real. I've learned the importance of community. I've learned the importance of friendship. I've learned a Ton about God. And I've changed my perspective a bit. I'm not so worried about people not liking what I have to say anymore. We're supposed to be counterculteral as Christians, so I've decided to not worry so much that people won't agree with what I say. I know I won't always be right, but I've learned a lot and God has made me a teacher. If I don't use that I'm simply wasting an amazing opportunity He's given me. So yeah, I'll probably say things to you that'll challenge you, make you uncomfortable, maybe even mad. But try to take it to heart. And it's okay to not like what I say, because now, for me, it's not about you. It's about God. I only worry about what He's got to say!

True love

There's probably going to be a number of posts on this theme soon, as it's really been what God's been teaching me about this summer. Now I'm no expert yet, but I've learned quite a lot, so don't dismiss my thoughts right away! But this is just something inspired by a song I was listening to. Call it a poem or a song in progress.



If love has taught me anything, it's taught me what I'm worth.
First it taught me that I am worth less than a compliment, and less than a man who can do it right.
Second it taught me that I am worth less than a conversation, less than a man with muscles.
Third it taught me that I am worth less than a message, less than the effort to engage.
Fourth it taught me that I am worth less than honesty, less than the beliefs of birth.
Fifth it taught me that I am worth less than friendship, less than loyalty.
Sixth it taught me that I am worth less than a change of life.
So if love has taught me anything, it's that I'm worthless.

But.
How soon we forget.
Love says I am worth fighting for.
Love says I am worth striving for.
Love says I am worth pain.
Love says I am worth death.
Love says that I am worth the very life of God.
There is nothing so great as Love, for if Love has taught me anything, it's that
I
am worth
Everything.

Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Tired of ticking

Greetings my dear friends and colleagues! It being fifty minutes till April makes me a little stressed, as I've decided to write every single month, but the topics I wish to talk about are quite in depth and would be quite time consuming. And as you know, I hate writing, so that makes it even less appealing to me...
But I want to share something that's been on my heart for a while now, and that I'm going to be writing a sermon on. Apparently that's just something I do now.. But I love it! Sermons are lesson plans on things that I really care about!
Anyways, over the last few months I've been talking with many people who are dealing with feeling unworthy of God's love. Feeling that the past is too bad, or that it's impossible to get away from their old demons. And I just keep running different things that I want to say so badly, but I don't have all the words yet. It makes me think of a video that I may have put up here, but I'll put it up again. It's by Mattie Montgomery, the singer for one of Luke and Brianna's favorite bands For Today. In it he shares a vision that he had about how he saw Jesus and asked him if it hurt when he got the scars in his hands, and Jesus simply saying, "It was worth it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogKnrBrrJSM

It's really powerful, and this one video has spoken into my life so many times. How the God who made the universe, the stars, the waters, the birds, the snow... For Him to really love us so much that he gave Everything. While we were still sinners he did this. We did nothing to deserve it, and we can do nothing to deserve it, but I often get hung up on thinking about that when that isn't the point!
The point is that he LOVES us! That there is NOTHING! NOTHING!! That can take that away! Neither death or life, angels or demons, the past or the future, heights nor depths, NOTHING! He loves us so passionately, so fully, so unrelentingly, that it is literally impossible to change it.
You've screwed up? Doesn't matter. You've hurt him? Doesn't matter. I don't know what you've done? What secrets you hide? IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! God loves us so incredibly, that the ONLY thing he wants in return is for us to love him back. That's not to trivialize our part. Love isn't easy after all!
While it may be true that we don't deserve God's love, there is hidden in there a lie from the devil. Because we may not deserve it, but it IS OURS. God loves you. Deal with it.

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?

Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

Church speaking on God the Provider

Well guys, it's happened! I'm actually speaking in front of a whole bunch of people at REACH tomorrow evening! AAAAAAHHH! I'm super excited and super nervous, so I'm going to be practicing a few times tomorrow. That's after church and rehearsal for my Improv midterm.... Oh boy. Anyways, here's my notes. I like them. They're pretty.


Tonight we're talking about God the Provider. Genisis 22:1-18


Read Gen 22:1-2
Woah. Abraham's journey had already been a little hecktic. Gen 12:1 he left his home for the land that God would give him. Gen 15:5 told he'd be the father of many nations even though he was super old. Gen 17:10 circumcise all the men in his household. About 300. After that he was told that Sarah and he were going to have a son. 99 at that point. Abraham always believed God and followed him and now this. You think after all that God would let him retire and fart around doing whatever it is really really old people do, but instead God asks “how much do you really trust me?”
That's a good question, and one that we should consider. Do I really trust God with my finances, when I'm asked to give offering. With job security when you stand up to your boss. With friends when we don't give in to the peer pressure. With providing a good Christian man or woman when being single is so lonely. Do we trust him when we don't know what he's up to?
Read Gen 22:3-6
We're in on the secret. But Abraham had no idea this was a test. Can you imagine how difficult it was? Saying “We'll be back soon” to his wife. To walk along with his son, oblivious to what his father is needing to do.
Read Gen 22:7-8
What does that mean? Maybe that Isaac, the miraculous gift that God had provided was the sacrifice. Maybe Abraham figured that God would raise Isaac back from the dead. Maybe Abraham suspected that God was testing him. Or maybe Abraham knew that God provided all the times before and he would provide again.
Read Gen 22:9
Abraham had to have told Isaac. The gig was up. There was no lamb along the way, God intended for this to go through. Notice Abraham bound Isaac. Isaac was 15, Abraham 115. Isaac had to allow it to happen. Not only was Abraham following God no matter what, so was Isaac.
Gen 22:10 “Abraham reached out and took the knife to slaughter his son.”
Can you imagine? This is it. No turning back. It's life or death.
Read Gen 22:11-14
That is some faith! And some story! But it's not done yet!
Read Gen 22:14-18
God is a master storyteller. This story is foreshadowing. Consider:
Isaac Abraham's only son, Jesus God's only son.
Isaac carried wood up mountain, Jesus carried cross up the hill.
Isaac was son of promise, Jesus promised one to come.
Isaac submitted to father's will in sacrifice, Jesus said “Not my will, but Yours be done” Luke 22:42
Ram became substitute for Isaac, Jesus became substitute for us.
Abraham didn't withhold his son, and God didn't withhold his.


God provided a ram for Abraham, and he provided a sacrifice for us.
I have a few more stories, maybe a little more identifiable to us. Not all of us have been asked to sacrifice our children, and probably don't even have any.


George Muller, a German man living in Bristol, England. Story of the orphanage and the milkman's truck breaking down outside after praying for breakfast. The baker decided to donate three batches of bread and donate it.
Tons of other amazing stories about prayer and provision.


My good friend had what was supposed to be a good job, but he was treated unfairly until finally he had had enough and quit. Once again stuck without a job, and he'd gone to school, but he's a hands on guy, so that hadn't worked out, so he wasn't able to do what he really wanted to do. Guess what? Two resume's in, and he got a job in the field he wanted to get into. God provided.


Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; know, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”


One last story for you.


John Patrick MD worked with a kid named Steven to research Cystic Fibrosis. Had to have a tube down his nose for a month, but had cough, so it would come out again over two hundred times. Did it and never complained.
Four years later John was called to Steven's room in the hospital. He was dying. When John got there Steven said, “good, I want to see you, sit down. It says in the bible that if you ask anything in my name it will be given to you. I'm nineteen and I'm dying and I don't want to. What do you say?”
So John worked his way through the creeds, God is God, Jesus son of God, confess sins and be forgiven, die and go to heaven. But then he remembered something he'd once heard.
“Oh yes God will provide for all your needs, but do read the fine print. God decides what those needs are. Not you. God will give you the answer to your prayers if it is good as defined by him. Not by you.”
John pointed out to Steven that there were kids that could run that wouldn't have been able to walk if it weren't for the research that he'd helped with.
I think God is saying this, “Steven, you've done everything I've asked of you, you've coughed enough. It's time to come home.””
John said, “we both know that unless there's a miracle, you'll die in the next few hours. Could you believe that that may be the best thing to ever happen to you?”


Are you hungry?
John 6:35 “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry””


Are you thirsty?
John 4:14 “Jesus said, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.””


Are you lonely?
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Do not be afraid of terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”


Do you feel unloved?
1 John 4:8 “whoever does not love does not know God because God is love.”


All you need is love.


God will always provide you with what you need. He even provided you with his very own son. You never have to worry about provision.


God provides in different ways, a ram stuck in a bush, his son on a cross, a milk truck breaking down, a manager looking for a new hire, a friend in a time of need.


I have a challenge for you, I love challenges. Baker didn't need to give the bread to the orphanage, the manager didn't have to give my friend a job, John didn't have to stay and talk to Steven.


You don't need to worry about God providing TO you, but my challenge to you is this:
will you allow God to provide THROUGH you?

Introspection

Greetings dear internet friends. It's yet another night on yet another day. Again. So... Fuck me.

Let's expand on that shall we?

What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?

Greetings to the groupies

Hello again dearest internet, it's been a while. It seems that the only time I actually write on here is when there's something bothering me, which is fine, cuz that's kind of what this was for in the first place, but at the same time I feel that this gives a rather incomplete picture of me. Cuz I'm ordinarily a rather positive person. I almost never complain about anything, and I'm emotionally stable. Although you probably already knew that didn't you?
Anyways, there's many things on my mind right now. Missing friends, missing friendships, worrying for friends, worrying about jobs, life, career, if I really do have any idea what I'm doing. You know, the usual. There's nothing wrong really. I guess I could complain that I still don't have a job while I thought I'd have one by last Monday. I could complain that no one came to games night. I could complain about a lot. Well, actually I can only think of two other things, but I'm sure I could come up with more if I applied myself. So, despite my very rough outline of what I was planning on writing tonight (you know how I love plans) I'm going to write about something else. Maybe a little about Relient K. Now, I think I've already posted the song on an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check at the moment, so I'm just going to say it's from their new album and it's called Don't Blink. Look it up on youtube if you're so inclined. I'm going to write the lyrics and then decide what I think about each of them! Good idea Ryan!

Don’t know where to go from here
My thoughts are tangled twisted fears
Been waiting a while now on the dawn
Seems like the sun may never come

I made my way through the darkest night
To the break of day on the other side
For some time the light’s been creeping in
Now I’m feeling like I could trust again

You’re the only person who reminds me
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Oh, you’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making plans and drawing maps
I plan to take the righteous path
And hope and pray it leads me back
To all the happiness I had

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn't love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me
You’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
Oh oh oh oh
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn’t love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me

So I copy pasted it from a website. Sue me. Also, they mixed up the order, so I fixed it. I'm no sheep! Anyways, I'm just gonna go through this systematically and we'll see what happens shall we? (I hate words with double letters by the way)
Well, the very start kind of sums up what's going on right now. At this exact moment. At this particular point in history. I don't know where my thoughts are going or where I'm going to end up. Oh boy. Like I said, there's nothing particularly wrong, but there hasn't really been for a long time. Just waiting for the sun to come again.
This next part reminds me of my baptism. Out of the darkest night and into the light. But for me, the light has really been creeping. Or maybe I've been hiding from it in my room. I do spend a lot of time in here. But I go out and do stuff! I just held a games night! I started my own bible study! Blech. I don't know that I'm ready to trust again. I just keep getting burned. And by burned I mean, like, the house burned down kind of burned.
You're the only person who reminds me... That used to be Grace. Then it was Rayne. But Grace is gone, doing her thing, and Rayne is off with her wonderful new boyfriend. Blech. Why can I only see the beauty of life sometimes? Every day it's a toss up of whether I'll be able to be happy or not. Sometimes, for no reason as far as I can tell, I just can't be happy. I honestly do try, cuz frankly I'm tired of being unhappy, but trying just isn't doing it. I don't get me. I just laughed because I misspelled something and thought it was funny. Am I happy or not? Huh. Love is beautiful and true. I disagree. Only true love is, and I have yet to see that. Eh, maybe I'm just a disgruntled old man. And, as I said before, maybe tomorrow I'll be back to the fun loving old me and I'll believe again. I just feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes. And I'm not a fan of water.
Don't you blink or it's gone. This seems to be a musical go to almost. Which is why I'm kind of surprised to hear it in a Relient K song. They've always impressed me with their incredibly witty and fun lyrics. Not that it's bad, I just wasn't expecting a well used musical trope. Whatever. It's true though. It's about really living in the moment and not letting yourself get distracted from what's happening right now. And from experience I also read in it that you have to stay totally engaged in the moment. If you let yourself slip, if you don't do your best, it's gone. Sometimes there are no second chances. Moving on. I've been terrified of life for way too long. Hmm... There's just something about that line that resonates with me. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of failing at the important things. I can do well on trivial things. A test, a coffee, a game. But on the really important things I seem to consistently fall flat on my face. Friendships, romance, love, God... I keep building up the courage to give it another go, and then ruin it. I feel like it's always my fault. I am terrified.
Mmm... Cheery. Alrighty! Plans and Maps! Woot! I love plans! And maps! Did I ever tell you that I used to do cartography as a hobby? I absolutely loved drawing detailed maps and measuring the distances and angles to the nearest millimeter. Sigh... Good times. I still am designing board games. A little bit of a slow season at the moment, but that always happens. Josh and I were working on a Pokemon board game, and Kyle and I are going to be working on a Mall builder/Sims kind of board game over the summer. I think Grace would be really excited with some of our ideas! Anyways, that's enough fun. Back to the serious business of song lyrics ruminating and evaluating. I haven't really been working all that hard at the righteous path for a while. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like it never helped anything, and was a bit of a bother. Well aren't I just the model Christian! Eh? Eh? I'm going to save this for tonight, cuz I want to move on. I'll just say that I miss the passion I had about God, and I have no idea how to get it back. Which, oddly enough, leads me directly to the end of this verse. I miss being really happy. I had that as a kid, with Carsyn, with Grace. Now I'm just wandering. Pathetic.
Just let me say, that this bridge doesn't sound nearly as impressive and utterly heart moving when it's just at normal volume. No, this bridge (and whole song if you're into that) is meant to be played at full volume. Crank the computer, crank the music player, crank the stereo. Mmm. Delicious. Here's the thing though. I don't always live in the past. I usually don't. But sometimes I just hurt. It reminds me of a song by Nevertheless. "They say time is a healer, it's more like a concealer for a scar." I have to say I agree with this. Now that doesn't make me a pessimist or a cynic, it's just that, from my experience, this is totally true. Maybe it's just the case that I let the scab get ripped off before it's actually healed, but I still hurt from every single time I was told that I wasn't worth it, through words or actions. Or the even more fun one where I heard the words "I don't love you anymore." I hope with all my heart that you never hear those words. There is nothing I have ever heard that have crushed me as much as those words. Which, now that I think of it, may be the reason that I'm so scared to go after God. What if he, like so many important people in my life, also says that? It's that stupid battle between the head and the heart. What I know holds no sway over what I feel. I hope that's normal. I'd hate to be the only one who feels this helpless about emotions.
Then it's chorus, alternate chorus, prechorus, bridge, end. In the morning, I'm going to listen to that silly song at full volume. I can't right now cuz it's past midnight.

So... That was fun wasn't it? I wonder, am I living a facade and only really unearth anything when I'm here on my blog, safe from the eyes of the world, or is it here, where I dredge up any potential crap and bring it to fruition? Am I a happy go lucky fun bucket, or a despondent, cynical, and dry man? Or maybe I'm a little of both, and I'm just waiting for someone to crack me. Or maybe... I'm... Batman?

A new way to be human

I just realized that it only takes me about a millisecond to decide on the title of a post, even if I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to talk about! Interesting... Anyways, I've discovered that people tend to think as they talk instead of what I usually try to do, which is have my idea fully thought out before voicing it. However, I now realize that my method doesn't really work all that well for me considering my horrible memory. So I'm going to be trying more to let myself be unsure of my thoughts even as I voice them. This'll be a very odd transition!
Anyways, I was just thinking about something that Rayne and I were talking about last night, namely the idea of people and goodness. The way I look at it is that we are made in God's image, and that image is our spirit or soul. Now that soul is in and of itself good, because it is a reflection of God, who is the very definition of good. Kind of think of a mirror, and stick with me. But Satan comes along and messes up this world, and that ends up dirtying our mirror.
My friend/acquaintance David said that one of the biggest lies that Christians tend to believe is that we are garbage, when in fact we are simply broken. I agree with him, but I also like the idea of a dirty mirror more. But broken makes sense to me too.
I just had a thought. So we're mirrors right? But I wasn't sure how to make that connect with the idea of Christianity as a transformation. But I have an idea. What if our souls become what it is that we point ourselves at. Think of us as mirrors all walking around on the earth. Some of us point at money, some at popularity, some at sex. Now each of these things is good, but because of Satan's meddling we can't have the perfect true goodness in the world, and therefore, pointing ourselves at these things will end up making us a shadow the the true goodness these things are supposed to be.
So what if the transformation of Christianity is God twisting our frames from looking at the things in the world, to instead point towards him. We see the light in the things in the world, and we strive to get it, to feel it, to bring that light into ourselves. We say to God that we can figure out the light ourselves, we can uncover it, we can get that light ourselves, but God says, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIGHT!" It's hard to let God turn our frames because it's too bright, it hurts our eyes.
It's because of God that there is light shining on the things in the world, and maybe another way of looking at it is that all the good things on the earth are mirrors themselves. They have the light shining on them, but they can't reflect it perfectly. They have the grime of corruption on them. Maybe we keep on looking for goodness and light, but we miss the sun.
I need to figure out how to say this better, but I think I like what's coming of this. Good talk. See ya.