Letter to Sara

Dearest Sara,

As I presume will be the case with some letters to come, I doubt you will ever actually read this. This letter is more for me to be able to sort through my thoughts and try to move past them. You know how I tend to think hard, but think really slow. I'm hoping that this letter will let me finally put my thoughts to rest and let me move on. You've held hold of my heart and mind for long enough. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance to. Anyways, if you ever did decide to give me the time of day, this is what I want to say.

Man, I just don't know how you got me so so wrong. I mean, you know me right? You know I'm practically impotent at communication over text. You know that I'm not condescending, or judgmental, or an asshole. You know these things about me, so why the heck, over one short burst of text conversation, would you decide that everything you know about me is totally wrong??? Why wouldn't you at least try to talk to me to understand what went wrong? Why would I suddenly be acting and talking so different from what you've always known me to be? Am I not worth the effort to understand? Do you not care? You told me you love me! I thought that meant you care! When you told me you'd be there for me no matter what, I thought that meant that you would at the absolute minimum talk to me no matter what! I'm so vehemently frustrated! And angry! I don't deserve to be cast aside like this. From the very conversation that you threw me away over I commiserated with you how we both have the flaw of thinking too little of ourselves and that we both needed to remember that we are not garbage to be thrown away. We both deserve better. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I meant what I said. I'm mad, but I will always care for you. Call it condescending if you want, but I call that at least a little bit of love. I love you, especially as I have gotten to know you more. I think the world of you. I don't know how this could have turned out so wrong. I guess some miscommunication when talking about hurts would do it eh? Yeah, about that...

I still am not brave enough to re read our last conversation. The panic I feel thinking about it, I just can't right now. Which is a little pathetic I admit, but you already know how painful this is. Having someone you deeply care about cut you out? It hurts deep. But despite that I still keep going back to the parts I do remember. For the first couple months I keep thinking, "What the hell happened? What went wrong?" I tried to talk to you, but I shouldn't have ever tried to text. I should have just asked to meet. Then maybe we could have understood each other. I remember the panic of that last conversation. The weeks of writing and rewriting my message, trying to explain as succinctly as possible, while also trying to bridge towards you, who I treasure. I remember the feeling of this precious relationship slipping through my hands. Thinking back I remember talking about Grace and having no clue why she had come up. I think I understand now, but then I was just afraid that you were maybe misunderstanding something about my previous relationship in a way that made it relevant to ours. I didn't realize you thought I was comparing my relationship with Grace to yours with Ryan and Alex. It seems so obvious now, but I was so panicked and defensive, and you seemed to mad and insulting. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't aware enough to bypass the things that didn't matter and hone in on what had actually gone wrong.

I think I have figured it out though. Of course, I don't really have a way of knowing, but I think I really got it. It comes down, as it did a few times in our disagreements, to a different understanding of words. I've talked to a few people and I've learned that my understanding of 'flaws' is actually different from most people's. Not a good thing. Not at all. You see, I think of people sort of like stained glass windows. Beautiful, shining in light, but with many cracks. I thought of those chips and cracks in the glass as flaws. The word I should have been using was brokenness. I don't think of a flaw as intrinsically negative. They can easily lead to negativity, the word I had in my head being faults, but did not have to. When you said that those things I listed weren't flaws, but just things that happened to you, I pretty much agree! They are spots of deep brokenness in you, and a number of them parallel cracks in my own life. I remember you texting me that a flaw is "pushing yourself too hard" which confused me at the time. I mean, that could be the result of a flaw (my thinking) but seemed more like a quirk of personality. I'm sorry I think so differently. Sometimes people find it novel, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I try to ask lots of questions, so I can understand as much as possible the way someone else is thinking. I just couldn't do it enough over text. I didn't understand where the breakdown in communication was happening. I was truly trying to encourage you, not stand in judgement or condemnation. I wasn't even thinking of my own experience in pointing those four things out! I was remembering the conversations we had had before and trying to give you a different way of looking at those broken parts and seeing how they weren't as damaged as you may have thought. Ironic that from your perspective I was laughing at how bad you were in those areas.

I guess I want to try to explain why I did point out those particular places of brokenness. I guess I really misunderstood what you were trying to say to me in those conversations. You weren't the only one who misunderstood. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand. I thought that I did understand, but I see now just how mistaken I was.

Firstly was talking about previous relationships. I recall having several conversations over the course of our relationship, but the particular one you said something that I remember perfectly because I thought it was so poetic. You said "I guess the relationship was over before we actually broke up." It was about Ryan and Alex that you said that, so I really shouldn't have generalized and said it was "some of your past relationships". Should have been more specific I guess. I see why you thought I was comparing your relationships to my relationship with Grace. At the time I was just baffled as to why she came up. I wasn't thinking about her at all. Just what you had previously told me. Though you did mischaracterize my relationship with her... It doesn't really matter though. She wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having.

The second thing with talking badly about yourself was pretty much exactly the conversation we had had a couple weeks before that, and it didn't seem you took offence to it either time, so I'll just leave it. You did comment that you really liked the way I'd put it the first time though, so I think you got what I was saying. Don't make a description become a prescription. Anyways...

Talking about self worth was probably what I'm most confused about. If you assume that I was using the normal definition of flaw then what I said really wouldn't have made any sense. And it seems, thinking back on it, that you didn't think it made sense, but you just insulted me instead of asking me to make sense of it. It could have been the perfect opportunity to find out where the wires were getting crossed. Man, I wish we could have been more clear headed. I was terrified and you were mad, and now I'm somewhat mad and you're just... Well I guess I don't really know you as well as I thought, so I have no idea what you're thinking. Maybe you still think about me and wonder what went wrong, or maybe how you could have missed how awful I am, or maybe you just aren't thinking about me at all. Just purged me from your life scorched earth style. I hope not. I still hope we can reconcile someday. Someday we can understand each other and start again. I really like you. I think we could have a truly wonderful friendship.

Finally is the one that you seemed to have gotten the most mad at. Talking about Jeff. Now here I think I did actually make a presumption. At least in one part. I didn't only go by what we had talked about in the past. But we'll get to that.

I remember talking a couple times about Jeff and marriage. In particular I remember talking one time in your room about marriage vows. I can't remember exactly what you said, but when I asked you about what you thought of wedding vows and maybe marrying again in the future, you said something along the lines of, "I do think the vows matter a lot. I'd really have to think about it before doing something like that again." Again, I don't remember your exact words, but I don't know how else to interpret what I do remember. The topic changed soon afterwards, so I didn't really get into details with you, but I can't imagine what you meant other than that you'd really have to consider yourself before making vows again. I don't see any other interpretation. I'd love to get clarity, because you seemed really upset about that in particular. That's not me calling you a bad person for getting a divorce. You told me only a little bit of the details, so all I have to go off is what you told me. I just know that when I broke my word it broke a bit of me, and it sounded to me like the same happened with you. I can't imagine how deep that brokenness goes in you. I'm sorry that it happened.

And the last thing that I am very sorry for is making a presumption. I said that you should have fought harder for your marriage. And I shouldn't have. I don't know the full situation. I don't know how hard it was to stay. I just know when you told me that you wished that he had fought for you, I thought you wanted him to have fought as hard as you had. I thought that because when I've talked to every one of my friends who have gotten a divorce, every one of them said they wish they had fought harder for their marriage. The men and the women. I presumed that you were like that as well. I shouldn't have thought that and I'm sorry.

I guess that's it then, huh? I wanted to explain myself a little bit. Try to help you understand where I'm coming from and see that you took what I was trying to say over text in the wrong way. I definitely see that I never should have tried to say anything really tough over text. You'd think I'd have learned that by that point! I'm sorry that I couldn't communicate well. And it cost me you. One of the people I care most about. I still feel hurt, angry, sad.. sometimes. I guess I thought that I was worth fighting for. I thought that you loved me. I love you. Always will. It'll never look like it did, but when I said I'd be here for you no matter what I meant it. You will always be special. I will always care for you. Goodbye, sweet Sar-bear.

Another one done

 It's been another year. A really odd year. I can't quite describe how out of the ordinary it was. It's like every part of my life that I've spent more than a decade working on and building all got thrown out the window seemingly for nothing. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but what the crap was all that? I thought I was moving in the right direction, thought God was leading me to Calgary, to new opportunities, new relationships, new joys. Instead I mostly just got really really really lonely. Sara was a welcome respite in that, one that I selfishly took advantage of. I've a new appreciation of my own depravity. My selfishness, lies, manipulations, faithlessness, and duplicity. My selfishness lead to harming possibly my favorite relationship I've ever been in. Sara was incredible. She kept me sane during insane work hours, long long weeks, and stressful trip planning. She was so much of what I could possibly hope for. Fun, funny, incredibly gorgeous, smart, outspoken, a board gamer, caring, a great cook, thoughtful, always looking for adventure. I learned and grew a lot from her. And I screwed it all up. The start of the relationship was rocky. She's not a Christian, so I didn't want to introduce her to my friends and family because I didn't want any of them to tell me no. That this was a bad idea. That we'd butt heads about really important things. But I didn't care. I was lonely. That insipid killer, loneliness. I felt like life was just... drudgery. Day after day after day. No hope. She gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was actually good enough to be with someone as wonderful as her. I hurt her. I was the monster. I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship, but this time I was the heart breaker. It's not easier on the other side. It's not nice to look at yourself and groan. Sure she hurt me back. I'm in so much pain right now. But I started it. I just wish I could talk to her. We could figure out anything if we talked face to face. Anything. And we had. Sure, we didn't always reach a conclusion, but we pushed through and knew that we were on each other's team. I won't pretend that I was willing to be all in, but things were really good. We had a lot of fun together. We cared deeply for one another. At least I thought we did. Maybe I just hurt her too bad. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to figure things out. I just don't understand... She knows I'm garbage at texting. I told her that I couldn't fight over text. It was too hard. I couldn't make myself clear. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't use the intonation to show that no matter what I was on her side. I think I screwed up in what I texted to her. She asked me to tell her her faults, and after confirming she really wanted me to, I did. I mirrored back the places she had told me she was broken. Past relationships, self worth, self image. She blew up at me. Called me names, of all things. I didn't know how to react. If we were talking we could have figured it out. I'm simultaneously terrified and furious. Why be mad at me for what she asked for? Why blow up about things that she had said? Because I listened to her? Because we weren't together anymore so I wasn't supposed to remember? What if I lose her forever? Last year she was the best thing in my life. Now she's gone. Maybe not forever, but she was so angry. So hurt. I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could be honest and open with each other. Where we'd be there for each other no matter what. We both said those words. That we'd be there for each other. Why would she lie? I know she didn't mean to, that she meant it in the moment, but isn't the whole point of being a man or woman of your word to have what you say matter? What you promise? Well, I guess I'm not one to talk. I lied and hid to everyone else in my life. I'm no better. I'm worse. She at least tried. I'm trying now. I've told everyone everything. Begged forgiveness for my lies. Now I just hope I can ask her forgiveness too. I desperately hope for it. I desperately hope that this wasn't all for nothing. That I didn't lose one of the best things in my life. It just HURTS. I cried so hard for so many days. I just don't understand. 2024 has been really rough so far. There is hope on the horizon, but it's such a long way off. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep struggling towards it. I know that the next six days will be better. The next six weeks will be better. The next six months will be better. I just can't see that in there here and now. I feel hopeless. We'll see.

Get it off my chest

I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...


I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.

The proverbial bell

It's been a while. Obviously. It's annoying to say that, but oddly necessary for my mental well being. Speaking of, I'm doing pretty well. Got to do a staged reading of my friend Garrett's play. Starting a new Pathfinder group in the world of Maelstrom that I created in high school. Still doing games nights and speaking at church. Getting pretty lonely though. Eh. It sucks, but I have great friends, so I feel kinda guilty for feeling like that. Not much I can do though. One thing I do need to do is get in contact with some peeps again. Berge, Becky, Carl, Annette, and Adrian in particular. That'll at least keep me busy. Man, these would be so boring for anyone to read! Except me, which is who this is for really, so no biggie I guess! And maybe some day I'll find someone who finds these interesting and we'll get happily married. Sigh... The angst.

Doom Bots are attacking my mind

Well, today is the day we head off to the young adults retreat at Crowsnest Pass. I am looking forward to it as it is always a good time, but I'm also apprehensive. You see, I'm talking about our identity as people of great worth. As you may know, this has been one of my greatest struggles throughout my life, and it's been rather tough working through the sermon. And I'm also nervous to share it with everyone. And I realized that this is because I don't have any good friends at REACH anymore. Josh can't come because of stupid rumors, Tony isn't coming because he doesn't feel like he fits in at UDAC anymore, Rayne has a baby and Dramanutz, and I still don't know what's going on with Chelsea. Rather than being refreshing, REACH has become quite draining to me. So much so that I've actually avoided going a few times recently without knowing why. I've started doing the very thing that drives me the most crazy about people who say they're Christians.. How can you be a Christian and not go to church when God demands it? As pastor Scott likes to say, "there is no plan B." As Christians we must go to church. I've actually had a few friends tell me that they've decided not to go to church anymore but still consider themselves Christian, and I am planing on writing a whole post on that, but now I also have to do it for me... Well, at least at the retreat I get to see my old college buddy Forrest Saturday evening. That'll be good!

True love

There's probably going to be a number of posts on this theme soon, as it's really been what God's been teaching me about this summer. Now I'm no expert yet, but I've learned quite a lot, so don't dismiss my thoughts right away! But this is just something inspired by a song I was listening to. Call it a poem or a song in progress.



If love has taught me anything, it's taught me what I'm worth.
First it taught me that I am worth less than a compliment, and less than a man who can do it right.
Second it taught me that I am worth less than a conversation, less than a man with muscles.
Third it taught me that I am worth less than a message, less than the effort to engage.
Fourth it taught me that I am worth less than honesty, less than the beliefs of birth.
Fifth it taught me that I am worth less than friendship, less than loyalty.
Sixth it taught me that I am worth less than a change of life.
So if love has taught me anything, it's that I'm worthless.

But.
How soon we forget.
Love says I am worth fighting for.
Love says I am worth striving for.
Love says I am worth pain.
Love says I am worth death.
Love says that I am worth the very life of God.
There is nothing so great as Love, for if Love has taught me anything, it's that
I
am worth
Everything.

Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?

Church speaking on God the Provider

Well guys, it's happened! I'm actually speaking in front of a whole bunch of people at REACH tomorrow evening! AAAAAAHHH! I'm super excited and super nervous, so I'm going to be practicing a few times tomorrow. That's after church and rehearsal for my Improv midterm.... Oh boy. Anyways, here's my notes. I like them. They're pretty.


Tonight we're talking about God the Provider. Genisis 22:1-18


Read Gen 22:1-2
Woah. Abraham's journey had already been a little hecktic. Gen 12:1 he left his home for the land that God would give him. Gen 15:5 told he'd be the father of many nations even though he was super old. Gen 17:10 circumcise all the men in his household. About 300. After that he was told that Sarah and he were going to have a son. 99 at that point. Abraham always believed God and followed him and now this. You think after all that God would let him retire and fart around doing whatever it is really really old people do, but instead God asks “how much do you really trust me?”
That's a good question, and one that we should consider. Do I really trust God with my finances, when I'm asked to give offering. With job security when you stand up to your boss. With friends when we don't give in to the peer pressure. With providing a good Christian man or woman when being single is so lonely. Do we trust him when we don't know what he's up to?
Read Gen 22:3-6
We're in on the secret. But Abraham had no idea this was a test. Can you imagine how difficult it was? Saying “We'll be back soon” to his wife. To walk along with his son, oblivious to what his father is needing to do.
Read Gen 22:7-8
What does that mean? Maybe that Isaac, the miraculous gift that God had provided was the sacrifice. Maybe Abraham figured that God would raise Isaac back from the dead. Maybe Abraham suspected that God was testing him. Or maybe Abraham knew that God provided all the times before and he would provide again.
Read Gen 22:9
Abraham had to have told Isaac. The gig was up. There was no lamb along the way, God intended for this to go through. Notice Abraham bound Isaac. Isaac was 15, Abraham 115. Isaac had to allow it to happen. Not only was Abraham following God no matter what, so was Isaac.
Gen 22:10 “Abraham reached out and took the knife to slaughter his son.”
Can you imagine? This is it. No turning back. It's life or death.
Read Gen 22:11-14
That is some faith! And some story! But it's not done yet!
Read Gen 22:14-18
God is a master storyteller. This story is foreshadowing. Consider:
Isaac Abraham's only son, Jesus God's only son.
Isaac carried wood up mountain, Jesus carried cross up the hill.
Isaac was son of promise, Jesus promised one to come.
Isaac submitted to father's will in sacrifice, Jesus said “Not my will, but Yours be done” Luke 22:42
Ram became substitute for Isaac, Jesus became substitute for us.
Abraham didn't withhold his son, and God didn't withhold his.


God provided a ram for Abraham, and he provided a sacrifice for us.
I have a few more stories, maybe a little more identifiable to us. Not all of us have been asked to sacrifice our children, and probably don't even have any.


George Muller, a German man living in Bristol, England. Story of the orphanage and the milkman's truck breaking down outside after praying for breakfast. The baker decided to donate three batches of bread and donate it.
Tons of other amazing stories about prayer and provision.


My good friend had what was supposed to be a good job, but he was treated unfairly until finally he had had enough and quit. Once again stuck without a job, and he'd gone to school, but he's a hands on guy, so that hadn't worked out, so he wasn't able to do what he really wanted to do. Guess what? Two resume's in, and he got a job in the field he wanted to get into. God provided.


Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; know, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”


One last story for you.


John Patrick MD worked with a kid named Steven to research Cystic Fibrosis. Had to have a tube down his nose for a month, but had cough, so it would come out again over two hundred times. Did it and never complained.
Four years later John was called to Steven's room in the hospital. He was dying. When John got there Steven said, “good, I want to see you, sit down. It says in the bible that if you ask anything in my name it will be given to you. I'm nineteen and I'm dying and I don't want to. What do you say?”
So John worked his way through the creeds, God is God, Jesus son of God, confess sins and be forgiven, die and go to heaven. But then he remembered something he'd once heard.
“Oh yes God will provide for all your needs, but do read the fine print. God decides what those needs are. Not you. God will give you the answer to your prayers if it is good as defined by him. Not by you.”
John pointed out to Steven that there were kids that could run that wouldn't have been able to walk if it weren't for the research that he'd helped with.
I think God is saying this, “Steven, you've done everything I've asked of you, you've coughed enough. It's time to come home.””
John said, “we both know that unless there's a miracle, you'll die in the next few hours. Could you believe that that may be the best thing to ever happen to you?”


Are you hungry?
John 6:35 “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry””


Are you thirsty?
John 4:14 “Jesus said, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.””


Are you lonely?
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Do not be afraid of terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”


Do you feel unloved?
1 John 4:8 “whoever does not love does not know God because God is love.”


All you need is love.


God will always provide you with what you need. He even provided you with his very own son. You never have to worry about provision.


God provides in different ways, a ram stuck in a bush, his son on a cross, a milk truck breaking down, a manager looking for a new hire, a friend in a time of need.


I have a challenge for you, I love challenges. Baker didn't need to give the bread to the orphanage, the manager didn't have to give my friend a job, John didn't have to stay and talk to Steven.


You don't need to worry about God providing TO you, but my challenge to you is this:
will you allow God to provide THROUGH you?

Itunes? I swear by it! Sorry, I mean I swear at it.

Sigh... This is why I should never put off anything ever. I had a ton of stuff that I wanted to write about last night, but by now I've forgotten what those things were...
Well, I do remember part of it was a little bit of an analysis of myself. Those are always fun! And informative. And maybe you can learn a little about me as well! Which reminds me that I want to work on my series where I look at my pros and cons. Later.
I am an incredibly strong minded person. I wouldn't say stubborn, but that level of immovability. I am more than willing to listen to any view and learn from it, but I believe what I believe, and I believe it hard. And since I'm so logically based in my thinking, unless the other person can give me very convincing reasons to accept their point of view, I tend to safely discount it once I've analyzed it. Now, this is not a bad thing, it's just interesting, and I really like that you can't convince me of something through tears or yelling. I am able to lay aside my emotions (usually) when evaluating a view. I find this encouraging for myself because it forces me to actually make sure I understand my own views pretty well, and I believe it challenges other people to really know why they think what they do. You can call my point of view names all you want, I won't change unless you give me a good reason. And reason is not too bountiful in the world nowadays.
However, the flip side to this is that I sometimes find it difficult to engage with other people's emotions when dealing with their issues. I'm the stereotypical man in that, if you have a problem, then we should work to solve it. I don't really understand what happened exactly, because I used to be so good at this. I used to be able to easily understand and connect with people emotionally. Now I just think. It's incredibly frustrating for me, because I know I can distance myself and get a good understanding of the situation and what's going on, but I don't know how to effectively communicate it and engage in a, I dunno, comforting way, I guess. It's handy being able to see things from the outside, but it's really hard to get back in for me. I can comment on situations and I usually have something good and insightful to say, I just don't really know how to say it well. Bummer for me! Actually, probably more of a bummer for other people.
I do have more to say, but I've been struck by a wave of tiredness, so I'm going to bed. It's weird, I've been getting tired sooner than usual. It's only one thirty right now! But I'm going to turn on my speedruns and sleep. Good night.

Introspection

Greetings dear internet friends. It's yet another night on yet another day. Again. So... Fuck me.

Let's expand on that shall we?

What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?

Greetings to the groupies

Hello again dearest internet, it's been a while. It seems that the only time I actually write on here is when there's something bothering me, which is fine, cuz that's kind of what this was for in the first place, but at the same time I feel that this gives a rather incomplete picture of me. Cuz I'm ordinarily a rather positive person. I almost never complain about anything, and I'm emotionally stable. Although you probably already knew that didn't you?
Anyways, there's many things on my mind right now. Missing friends, missing friendships, worrying for friends, worrying about jobs, life, career, if I really do have any idea what I'm doing. You know, the usual. There's nothing wrong really. I guess I could complain that I still don't have a job while I thought I'd have one by last Monday. I could complain that no one came to games night. I could complain about a lot. Well, actually I can only think of two other things, but I'm sure I could come up with more if I applied myself. So, despite my very rough outline of what I was planning on writing tonight (you know how I love plans) I'm going to write about something else. Maybe a little about Relient K. Now, I think I've already posted the song on an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check at the moment, so I'm just going to say it's from their new album and it's called Don't Blink. Look it up on youtube if you're so inclined. I'm going to write the lyrics and then decide what I think about each of them! Good idea Ryan!

Don’t know where to go from here
My thoughts are tangled twisted fears
Been waiting a while now on the dawn
Seems like the sun may never come

I made my way through the darkest night
To the break of day on the other side
For some time the light’s been creeping in
Now I’m feeling like I could trust again

You’re the only person who reminds me
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Oh, you’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making plans and drawing maps
I plan to take the righteous path
And hope and pray it leads me back
To all the happiness I had

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn't love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me
You’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
Oh oh oh oh
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn’t love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me

So I copy pasted it from a website. Sue me. Also, they mixed up the order, so I fixed it. I'm no sheep! Anyways, I'm just gonna go through this systematically and we'll see what happens shall we? (I hate words with double letters by the way)
Well, the very start kind of sums up what's going on right now. At this exact moment. At this particular point in history. I don't know where my thoughts are going or where I'm going to end up. Oh boy. Like I said, there's nothing particularly wrong, but there hasn't really been for a long time. Just waiting for the sun to come again.
This next part reminds me of my baptism. Out of the darkest night and into the light. But for me, the light has really been creeping. Or maybe I've been hiding from it in my room. I do spend a lot of time in here. But I go out and do stuff! I just held a games night! I started my own bible study! Blech. I don't know that I'm ready to trust again. I just keep getting burned. And by burned I mean, like, the house burned down kind of burned.
You're the only person who reminds me... That used to be Grace. Then it was Rayne. But Grace is gone, doing her thing, and Rayne is off with her wonderful new boyfriend. Blech. Why can I only see the beauty of life sometimes? Every day it's a toss up of whether I'll be able to be happy or not. Sometimes, for no reason as far as I can tell, I just can't be happy. I honestly do try, cuz frankly I'm tired of being unhappy, but trying just isn't doing it. I don't get me. I just laughed because I misspelled something and thought it was funny. Am I happy or not? Huh. Love is beautiful and true. I disagree. Only true love is, and I have yet to see that. Eh, maybe I'm just a disgruntled old man. And, as I said before, maybe tomorrow I'll be back to the fun loving old me and I'll believe again. I just feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes. And I'm not a fan of water.
Don't you blink or it's gone. This seems to be a musical go to almost. Which is why I'm kind of surprised to hear it in a Relient K song. They've always impressed me with their incredibly witty and fun lyrics. Not that it's bad, I just wasn't expecting a well used musical trope. Whatever. It's true though. It's about really living in the moment and not letting yourself get distracted from what's happening right now. And from experience I also read in it that you have to stay totally engaged in the moment. If you let yourself slip, if you don't do your best, it's gone. Sometimes there are no second chances. Moving on. I've been terrified of life for way too long. Hmm... There's just something about that line that resonates with me. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of failing at the important things. I can do well on trivial things. A test, a coffee, a game. But on the really important things I seem to consistently fall flat on my face. Friendships, romance, love, God... I keep building up the courage to give it another go, and then ruin it. I feel like it's always my fault. I am terrified.
Mmm... Cheery. Alrighty! Plans and Maps! Woot! I love plans! And maps! Did I ever tell you that I used to do cartography as a hobby? I absolutely loved drawing detailed maps and measuring the distances and angles to the nearest millimeter. Sigh... Good times. I still am designing board games. A little bit of a slow season at the moment, but that always happens. Josh and I were working on a Pokemon board game, and Kyle and I are going to be working on a Mall builder/Sims kind of board game over the summer. I think Grace would be really excited with some of our ideas! Anyways, that's enough fun. Back to the serious business of song lyrics ruminating and evaluating. I haven't really been working all that hard at the righteous path for a while. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like it never helped anything, and was a bit of a bother. Well aren't I just the model Christian! Eh? Eh? I'm going to save this for tonight, cuz I want to move on. I'll just say that I miss the passion I had about God, and I have no idea how to get it back. Which, oddly enough, leads me directly to the end of this verse. I miss being really happy. I had that as a kid, with Carsyn, with Grace. Now I'm just wandering. Pathetic.
Just let me say, that this bridge doesn't sound nearly as impressive and utterly heart moving when it's just at normal volume. No, this bridge (and whole song if you're into that) is meant to be played at full volume. Crank the computer, crank the music player, crank the stereo. Mmm. Delicious. Here's the thing though. I don't always live in the past. I usually don't. But sometimes I just hurt. It reminds me of a song by Nevertheless. "They say time is a healer, it's more like a concealer for a scar." I have to say I agree with this. Now that doesn't make me a pessimist or a cynic, it's just that, from my experience, this is totally true. Maybe it's just the case that I let the scab get ripped off before it's actually healed, but I still hurt from every single time I was told that I wasn't worth it, through words or actions. Or the even more fun one where I heard the words "I don't love you anymore." I hope with all my heart that you never hear those words. There is nothing I have ever heard that have crushed me as much as those words. Which, now that I think of it, may be the reason that I'm so scared to go after God. What if he, like so many important people in my life, also says that? It's that stupid battle between the head and the heart. What I know holds no sway over what I feel. I hope that's normal. I'd hate to be the only one who feels this helpless about emotions.
Then it's chorus, alternate chorus, prechorus, bridge, end. In the morning, I'm going to listen to that silly song at full volume. I can't right now cuz it's past midnight.

So... That was fun wasn't it? I wonder, am I living a facade and only really unearth anything when I'm here on my blog, safe from the eyes of the world, or is it here, where I dredge up any potential crap and bring it to fruition? Am I a happy go lucky fun bucket, or a despondent, cynical, and dry man? Or maybe I'm a little of both, and I'm just waiting for someone to crack me. Or maybe... I'm... Batman?

simply being loved

Ah life. I still swear in my head a lot... I should really be working on Astronomy. Or drama. Or memorizing. Or writing up QR codes.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess  my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.

Feelings...

Well, I finally figured out what I've been feeling lately. I've been so tired that I thought I was just feeling everything as more tiredness, but I've managed to identify what's going on! Yay! I'm feeling tired, lonely, ugly, useless, unworthy, and unwanted. And one that I don't know the word for, but I can describe it. It's like I'm supposed to be someone else, someone better, but I'm just not. To borrow and paraphrase a metaphor from Hugo, I feel like the world is a machine, but I'm one of the extra parts. I'm irrelevant. There's the word! Frig. Did I mention I've been very pessimistic lately?

Hello to the USA

I was just checking my stats and it turns out that almost every viewer I've had has been from the US, along with one lonely guy from china... This is kind of awesome because it means I have random people reading my blog, which is cool, but it also means that absolutely none of my friends are/have read it. Which is substantially less cool. So let's see what's changed in the past few days shall we?
Still suck for sleeping. I know I should probably be lying in bed right now trying to sleep, but it hasn't worked yet, so I've pretty much given up on getting any sleep before five. I'm just tired. You know it.
Rayne and I are doing announcements at church tomorrow, which is cool. We just go early to find out what the announcements are, and then improvise a short scene telling the church about it. It's pretty fun. I've been connecting better with Rayne the last few days as well, which is fantastic! Although she still doesn't touch anymore, which is really grating on my nerves...
I've decided to create my own Love List out of one of the many spares that Rayne made for the show, so we shall see how that goes. I know what about half of them will be, but the rest I have no clue. Should be good.
I didn't end up having people over for games tonight, which is fine. I ended up hanging out with Rayne for most of the day, and then Josh came home and Derek came over and we got groceries and watched Hugo. It was really artsy. I didn't really like it. Hee hee. Our oven handle broke, so Rayne tried using some industrial glue she had, and we ended up spending two hours holding the handle in place because we didn't have a clamp. It also turns out that Rayne didn't read the part where it says on the glue bottle that it doesn't work for plastics or metal, which is what the handle and oven are made of, respectively. It was fine though. I got to hang out with my best friend for the longest time in a long time, so I don't mind at all.
I've got one assignment due on Monday for History and Development, and I've only completed a third of it, so I'm not looking forward to doing that all day tomorrow, and I need to write a critique on an article I can barely understand for Sociology on Tuesday, so that'll be a barrel full of fun...
It's that whole problem of the 'but' if you know what I mean. If you don't, I mean that there is always some sort of exception to a positive statement. So I can say that I'm enjoying life right now, but I just feel so tired and lonely right now. I don't feel loved. I know I'm loved, I know that a hundred percent, but I don't feel it. That's what I hate. Eh. Life just sucks and I'm gonna have to get used to it I guess! Good night yall!

Another sleepless night with Ryan

Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!

Who am I?

I'm 90% sure I did something like this a while ago, but I've been learning a lot about myself recently, so I'm doing it again! Oh! I remember! I was putting down all sorts of things that I like about myself! Okay, well I'm going to be doing that, but more just looking objectively rather than just what I like. I've been sort of rediscovering myself and it's pretty darn exciting, and also incredibly frustrating and scary. Not scary as in fear, but scary in that I've discovered things that I don't like. But this will hopefully help me to better see and understand those things, which will help me out in the long run! Here we go.

First I am a thinker. I absolutely love thinking, wondering, contemplating, and mulling things over. However this has recently been brought so far to the forefront of myself that I've lost a part of me that I used to really treasure. Well, not lost, but I haven't used it in a very long time. Namely, that thing is my excellent observation. I've always loved observing people and how they react to situations, and I've used that to decide how I'd react to things and to better understand why people do the things they do. But increasingly lately I've been far more interested in abstract things. And the more time I've devoted to thinking about ideas and concepts, the less I've been able to observe people. I still can do it, I know because I was still able to recognize signs in Grace and my relationship, but I didn't devote as much energy into understanding it as I did with other things. So I guess what I need to work on is learning to balance the two. Realizing when it's time to watch and listen, and then when it's time to think and contemplate. Check.

I am incredibly passionate. In fact, I see more passion in me than I do in a lot of people. What I am most passionate for is the truth. I strive in all that I do to reveal some truth to every person I meet. This is why I'm so excited to become a teacher. Sharing with others the amazing discoveries that I've made is probably my very greatest joy. And something new that I've become passionate for is freedom. I've always seen this lack in myself and people around me, but it wasn't until just recently that I've realized what it was that I was looking at. It wasn't until recently that I've had a taste of freedom and I want to share it with absolutely everyone. My current quest to learn about forgiveness has been fueled by my passion for freedom. So yeah. I like that about me, and I hope that my strong passion continues to fuel my actions.

I am loyal to a fault. Once I've decided to connect to someone, I will stand by them come hell or high water. Unfortunately this has recently become a point of incredible pain for me. The loyalty of my heart has been at war with the logic and practicality of my mind. But even despite that I love this part of me. I feel like it is rare to find in the world someone who will remain faithful in all situations. I know full well that it isn't incredibly rare, as I do know a few people with this quality, but I am very glad to be able to count myself among them. If you are my friend, you are my friend forever. No getting out of it! Well, at least not if I can help it.

I am curious. This may seem a little boring and unremarkable, but it's a part of me that I treasure. My constant thirst for knowledge and understanding is a big part of why I relate with people so well. I genuinely want to know and understand people, so I always ask questions, which is a very attractive quality. My questions show my care I like to say. In fact, the best way to tell if I care about something is to see if I ask any questions about it. Apparently though, this can be overwhelming. But I've only had one person ever tell me that, so I'm not sure if that's necessarily true... Whatever. My curiosity fuels my knowledge, which fuels my passion for teaching, so it works out very well!

The last thing for today is something that I didn't actually realize until I was told by a whole bunch of people at once. It is that I am great at sharing joy. I think the reason I didn't really realize this is because when I'm not actively interacting with people I usually am thinking about more serious things. Again, I don't spend as much time analyzing interactions now as I used to, so when I'm investing in my thoughts it's usually about more somber matters, so I don't think much about the silliness that is so inherent in me. I remember that a while ago I said that my very favorite thing to do is to make people laugh. It's still true, and I still act in the same way, but I just haven't put my mind into it as much lately. So I guess I don't really need to work on this, cuz I'm so good at it without even realizing it, so I'm glad for that!

I have a few other things to add to the list, but I haven't had time to think on them yet, so I'll save them for another time. But I like what I have so far! So far they're all positive things, but I do have at least one specific thing that I need to work on. But that's for another time! Good night!

I feel like I made a post about this, but I'm too lazy to check

So I think I did this already, but I'm doing it again! You know when you're at a place in your life and you find that song and you're like, "yeah...." So I'm gonna post a song every once in a while to describe where I'm at. For the past month and a bit it's been this song. I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5oY2oYKHFY