Get it off my chest

I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...


I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.

Dream sequence

Just a really short dream last night. All I remember was walking through a blizzard both to and from church in strathmore. Once I was home there was some game going on on tv, so dad and a whole bunch of other people (I think random college students) were there watching too.Grace was there too... I don't know why she's always everywhere, but oh well! It was a fun night, and in the end I headed off into the snow on my own again.

Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

Dream Sequence

I had two dreams today. They're fading pretty fast, so I'll just give them a cursory description.
In the first, I'm at a family dinner/get together at a nice little cabin in Rosebud.There's also some family friends there, and we're hanging out and playing games when Grace arrives and is moving pictures and grabbing things, I ask her what she's doing and she says she's preparing for something. She doesn't really want to talk, but I, being the oblivious ox I am, don't notice and keep trying to have a conversation with her. Eventually she snaps and tells me I'm an idiot and she never wants to see or talk to me again. I see a look of shock on my face as the dream fades.

The next dream is a whole lot weirder. At first I'm a trucker trying to go in the middle of winter, so there's snow all over the road. I make a stop to see Luke, but the truck gets stuck so I have to set out to find help. I eventually get to a building and I realize that I'm an evil overlord and that I'm trying to create an army of monsters. I make a few new ones, and manage to get to the next level of monster creation, when I have to go and find out what the disturbance is at a nearby building. There I find a ton of kids, and half of them are pretending to be zombies. I pull out an imaginary pistol and, very seriously, start picking off different zombies, looking for survivors. Some of the kids actually go down when I 'shoot' them, but some don't. I even reload and everything. This is a serious game of zombies! I find a number of survivors scattered around (most of them just wandering around with the zombies) and start forming a band of survivors. Then I notice Luke (who's closer to seven feet tall) and run up to him. I start waking up as we start the conversation, so I'm not actually sure what we say.

I've been having a lot of dreams about Grace lately. It's weird. And frustrating. She always treats me like crap in them. I hate feeling worthless.

Dream Sequence

Last night, in a dream, I learned how to teach a grade one class basic addition and multiplication. However, in doing so I ran out of money, and for some reason I bused around all night. It was odd.

Dream Sequence

Tonight I just had two pretty short dreams. The first I don't remember all that well, but I do remember that Sally, Rayne, and one other girl and I were all going to a movie. We were at some university when we all decided to head out, but none of us had a car, so Rayne and I got on one bike, and Sally and the other girl got on the other. It started to rain a little, but it was a light and refreshing rain, so no one minded. I started off towards the theatre, across a ludicrously large parking lot, when I glanced behind me to see Sally racing her bike parallel to mine, and then suddenly try to turn. They must have been going at least sixty, because the bike skidded on the slick pavement, and they both went tumbling across the ground, bouncing and screaming. Then I heard a sickening crack, and saw Sally's arm crumple underneath her. I tell Rayne to call an ambulance and to see to Sally because I knew Rayne had first aid, and I didn't know what to do. Then I ran as fast as I could to find help. I ran through the yards of a bunch of houses, and over some of their fences. Finally I got to the school, and I found Chris. I told him what was going on, and he told me he knew what to do and so we headed back. Only we headed back very slowly, because Chris would stop every once in a while to appreciate something or other. When we finally got back to the parking lot, Sally was moved to the end closest to us, and there were about a dozen other people, some playing basketball, some chatting, and everyone trying to act normal to fight their panic. (or it could be that they just were there doing that because dreams are weird) Chris started to help Sally when the dream ended.
I'm not sure how the second dream started, but I remember that I and a few other people were scattered across a number of small pallets floating on a huge lake in a warehouse. It was probably about thirty or fourty feet deep, and went on further than I could see. I was on my pallet, terrified out of my mind, because, let's face it, I'm terrified of big bodies of water, when some mermaids showed up and swam around and under the pallets everyone was on. Suddenly one person screamed and was pulled under the water, when all of the mermaids turned into the Pirates of the Caribbean ones, and started trying to drag everyone in. Being that I am terrified of water, and now had terrifying things attacking me from that, I leaped about twenty five feet up against the wall and then managed to keep myself there by pushing against two vertical steel beams. I should mention that the group was very close to the corner of the warehouse. I looked back down, but all of the mermaids had gone. Soon a guy, who apparently I knew from before, showed up in a little tug boat, and started picking up the people still stranded. He noticed me way up and made fun of me, but while he was distracted, he rammed the boat into on of the steel beams, and it started to smoke. He muttered something about crappy equipment and I spotted a number of different kinds of sharks swimming around. Now, if you know me, and you know how terrified I am of sharks, you'll know how crazy it was that I came down and ballanced myself on one of the pallets. The people in the boat were trying to figure out how they could safely get to the exit, which was in the corner. I (again crazily) said, "I'll show you how." and proceeded to leap from pallet to pallet at top speed until I went flying into the safety of the solid floor. Sally was working at one of several computers, looking fit as a fiddle, and I gave her a huge hug and told her I was so glad she was okay. She then started to tell me that yes she was okay, and went to explain why, but it was something about how she had been having trouble with her family or friends or something and I realized that she had broken her arm in the other dream, and that apparently dreams don't carry over. I was still relieved to see her though, and I told her, and then went to explore a little bit. (I have no idea what happened to the people on the boat. I assume they followed my example and got out, but I never saw them again, so I don't know) I turned a corner and saw this extremely lanky guy kick Tony into a wall, where he collapsed. The guy then turned and kicked at me, but I grabbed his foot and started twisting when a list of different fighting moves appeared, along with a number representing their various effectiveness and level of difficulty. The move I was just doing was colored red and was marked as a 10.34, with the next highest being a 10.24, and the rest being around two or three. I did my "aren't I so great" look, and started to finish the move, but the man stopped me by saying that he would still fight as hard as he could. Tony tried to encourage me to fight, but I let the guy's leg drop, hung my head, and asked him earnestly if he would please leave us alone and let us leave. When I looked up I saw that the man was actually a picture book, and the conversation was written on the pages and they slowly turned. I expectantly waited for an answer, and the page turned to a blank page with a picture of some nice rolling hills and a rabbit. Finally the page flipped again, and it said that he would grant my request.
The End.

Dream Sequence

Tonight's theme is Zombies! There was more, but I'll just start were I remember. Dad and the rest of the family and I are trying to find a place to hide out, and we come across this sort of play house. It's big enough that we could all squeeze inside, but Dad says we shouldn't stay there. I get kinda mad at him, but the reason he doesn't think this is because there is now a nice house right next to the playhouse. So we end up staying there for a few nights, and more stuff happens, but I can't remember them all. But then one morning we wake up to find that a horde of zombies are clawing at the fence surrounding the property, and they have some kind of equipment to try and break through the fence. It's at this point that we discover that Rayne (who has been with us for a while) has this row of pills (think of those individually wrapped fizzy candies) that give her different powers. So she eats one and gains the power of being able to send out a force from her fist as powerful as a cannon. So she sets to work on the zombies, and then one of us discovers an old WW2 artillery cannon, and we line that up. It works fantastic, but it finishes off the last of the hole the zombies are making, so we are forced to run. We all get split up, but Rayne and I make it to an old shed, where we find a pair of survivors. I don't really trust them, but I decide it's important that I get a bus from the road nearby for some reason, so I head off to do that. It's at this point I realize that there are still a ton of cars driving around the city, some with zombies, and some with people. But they're all dangerous, so I turn into a parking lot (very illegally) and park the bus. I start walking back to the shed, but I sense something is wrong, so I hide behind a couple of broken down trucks nearby. I see the two guys head out, armed with some pans, and they head towards the trucks to try and ambush me. I pull out a knife that I apparently had all along and get ready for them. As soon as the first one turns the corner of the truck, I hurl my knife at him. He nimbly sidesteps it, and throws his pan at me, which I in turn dodge. Luckily, both of our weapons are attached to our wrists with string, so we both flick our wrists and get our weapons back. I throw my knife again, but he deflects it with his pan. I complement him on his skill and he laughs and says, "That's what the girl said. At first you'd think fighting was all about Han (kind of like Chi, but from The Sword of Truth), but then it wouldn't be till later that you'd really fight." This makes me incredibly angry and worried, and I start spinning my knife on the string until it's just a blur of deadly. I lay into them and defeat both of them (oddly enough there isn't a drop of blood spilled) and rush to check on Rayne. I can't find her, so I take one of the super pills and it gives me the power to control the weight of things I touch, and I take the two guys to the top of the shed, which now that I think of it is more like a big garage, and threaten to drop them if they don't tell me where Rayne is. They plead for their lives, but I insist, and they finally point to a discarded corpse on the ground. I jump down to see if it's really Rayne, but before I can really tell, I wake up.

Dream Sequence (adding some clarity)

I had a dream tonight. I was the same person I am now, I didn't have any superpowers, and I didn't see the world through someone else's eyes. I was visiting Rosebud, though it looked a little different, and I went to see Grace. I had had a crush on her for a little while, but I knew she was already in a relationship. In one conversation we had she had told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend and she loved him very much. I thought I was better than her because I had a higher moral standard/ Before I headed back home I went to see Grace one last time. I have no idea why, but I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. She smiled from ear to ear when I said that and she came in close and just put a hand on my knee ( we were sitting together on a love seat type thing). But her eyes of joy suddenly turned into horror as she glanced behind me and saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend.I turn around but he's already left. I start to chase after him and make up a hundred different ways in my head to make it seem like it wasn't my fault, but then I stopped. It was my fault. I slowly started to make my way back to Grace's room. My mom was her roommate for some reason, and when I got there, she said she was so ashamed of me and turned her back. I again started thinking of a million different ways that I could make it seem like I was joking, or that she had misunderstood, but then I saw Grace and she was devastated  I felt ashamed, worthless, and absolutely, completely disgusting. Again I thought of ways that I could swing it so I was joking, or that she was taking it too hard, but once again I stopped. I thought, "am I Christian or not? What Should I do? It is my fault, how can I make it better?" And I was struck, because I knew that it wouldn't be better, but I knew what I had to do. I had to go in and say I'm sorry, not try to explain, unless I was asked, not to try to fix it, because I couldn't, but just had to say sorry. And then I was struck again, even more powerfully, with such incredible shame. I couldn't handle it. Luckily I didn't have to, because I woke up.

I am absolutely convinced that this dream was from God. The feelings I had in the dream were completely unmitigated, and completely real. He decided to show me what I assume is exactly how Grace felt when she betrayed me. But the thing is, I didn't even have anyone attack me for it in the dream. The closest I got was when my mom turned her back on me. I can't even imagine how devastated I made Grace feel when I selfishly and angrily struck back at her. I never even thought about it from her point of view. All I was focused on was me and my hurt, and I didn't even consider that she may be hurting exactly as much as I was, but in a way that she couldn't change. That all she could possibly do was say sorry, and I just blasted her down. I don't remember her actually saying that she was sorry, but I now see how incredibly difficult that might have been to do. And it was just something that she (and me in the dream) didn't even think about. Doesn't make it any less wrong, but it wasn't a planned betrayal. It was just a moment of weakness.

So Grace, I am so incredibly sorry, and I may ask you to read this so you'll have an idea of how much I mean it. And God, thank you for giving me this gift. I now can see exactly what my actions may have caused, and I now know how when you say that revenge is up to you, to leave it. I had my revenge before I even knew, and all the stabs I took back at her only made her pain even worse than mine. Because I was right, but really, I was so incredibly wrong. Thank you God. Don't every let me forget this lesson, and to look at any situation from the other's side. I never want to cause this much pain again. Amen.

Dream sequence

Last night I had a pretty awesome dream. It started with me having an acting class at the UofL. The teacher and a student were doing the first scene and it was really awful, so I headed outside to the lobby. Rayne was there looking at some art hanging on the wall and there were two really pretty girls sitting on a bench in the middle of the room. I started chatting with them and eventually they asked me to grab something for them. I headed outside to get it but it was a complete downpour outside so I headed back in and everyone was now wearing a rain coat and was sopping wet. I talked to the two girls for a little longer and then the dream skipped ahead. I was outside in a city talking with a guy on the street and he either gave me something really important or told me where it was, I can't remember. Anyways, as soon as he left a giant truck with about a dozen guys in black suits in the back drives up and all the guys start shooting at me. Luckily at this point I remember that I can fly but unfortunately it isn't working so well, so it's more of a big jump with a bit of hanging in the air in the middle. So I take off jumping over fences and onto buildings and into trees trying to lose them, but nothing seems to be working. So I decide to head out into the fields to lose them. Turns out that it's the middle of winter outside of town so instead of fields of wheat, there's only a few feet of snow. First time I've ever disliked winter... Anyways, I made off to a stand of trees and after jumping around and keeping out of sight I eventually lose the truck. But then I realize that it is freezing cold outside and I'm only wearing a t-shirt and pants, so I slowly start making my way back to town since I can't find anything else to keep myself warm. (my flying ability to fly has become almost completely useless at this point) I can't make my way through the snow very easily, but then I realize that everything looks a lot like a video game that I was looking at in real life the other day, and the reality is too much and I wake up. All in all a very entertaining dream! Still wonder what that important thing was...

Dream Sequence

Hee hee. This seems to be turning into a dream journal! But that's okay for now! Anyways, there's three dreams that I had, but I can only remember one part in each of them, so I shall relay them. The first was a dexter like one, me being dexter, and I'm following this one guy who I know is killing people. I get distracted by something for a day, but when I find him I see that he hasn't killed anyone, so I'm like phew! Then he comes at me with a knife, but there this really big guy walking near us and he yells and then charges the killer. Then he just powerhouses him over, sending the killer flying down the road for about ten feet and then skidding down even farther! It was really funny cuz one second the killer is running at me, then the next he is literally flying away from me! Anyways, the second dream I just remember the first part. This guy is looking at his computer when he notices that everything he sees in the screen matches the real world. As in, he can see all the doors and walls and chairs and stuff through his screen, but everything is a little bit distorted. And through his screen he notices this kangaroo. The kangaroo then comes in and does this weird sucking thing, and sucks the guy's watch right off! Then the watch starts moving on it's own and it magically pulls every other thing on the guy (except his clothes) and then starts to disassemble them! So he's struggling with the watch and trying to keep everything together and in his pockets, but he just doesn't have enough hands! So he struggles and struggles, until all of a sudden, he loses and everything is set neatly on the table, in a million little pieces. He stares for a few seconds and then goes, "YOU STUPID WATCH!!!" Which for some reason I find completely hilarious, and laugh like crazy for a bit. The last dream I start on a set which is a house with no lights. The director calls action and I start walking through it, not quite sure what I'm doing, just knowing that I'm investigating something. I hear a noise upstairs so I creep upstairs to find Luke and Kurtis packing deadly looking lime green and sky blue silenced pistols as well as some grenades. So they toss the grenades at me, and I immediately race back downstairs. They give chase, and the whole time they're chattering on about whatever weapon they are currently using against me. They chase me for a bit until we get into the basement and I almost slam the door on Luke, but he manages to get through and tackle me to the ground. He points his gun at me and says, "any last words?" I nod upwards and say, "I noticed that there's a hidden dart hole at each of the doorways. Wonder what they do!" And then I thump my elbow against the floor and a dart shoots out of the hole and hits Luke. That's all I can remember, but I'm pretty sure I enjoyed the rest of that one!

Dream Sequence

I hate that it takes so long to get here cuz I keep forgetting most of the dream! But here we go.
I'm at camp with Megan, Ashley, Aaron, and Lizzy. We're all in this big carpeted room thingy with bunks and bookcases on the far wall. I remember looking at all the books that were there and there being two batman ones, and also this 4 by 2 foot, 8 inch thick one called Planet Defenders. I opened it, and the whole thing was written in wool crochet. I remember the first page of the book having a test area, but I didn't really know what that meant.Ashley was trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, and I can't remember what the first thing was (adopting a kid or something), but the second thing was singing, so she sang this song and the last part of the chorus went a-Bout it! a-Bout it! Then Dave and Cindy were there and Dave said that she had some potential, but that she needed to round out the last part and make it aaa-bout it. It was at this point that I realized that almost the entire room had been cleared, so there was a huge open area. Megan and I started to get really giddy, so she started running around in circles and dancing, while I tore around the room in a big circle. Then all of a sudden I thought that it would be super fun to slide across the floor, so I dropped to my stomach and slid. I slid way better than I anticipated, so I managed to steer myself all the way around the entire room, which I then told that I did to some random kid that came in the doors. The next thing I knew, I had decided to have a shower to get ready for something. I have no idea what. But anyways, I went up this hill to what was "Luke's shower" I guess it was the downstairs one from real life in my mind. But anyways, it was just this room with a shower curtain around it dug out from the hill. And you walked into this box, and then the shower, which was actually just a tub, was in front of me with walls about waist high. And it was really odd cuz the floor was literally covered in towels, and there were even two that were inside the tub. Nonetheless I turned on the water (I don't remember actually doing anything to turn it on, I just knew it was turned on) and got undressed. Then I noticed that the tub was starting to fill up (which now that I think about it really isn't that odd, but in the dream I was really confused) and it was filling up in waves. One wave and it was a quarter of the wall height, two waves and it was halfway, and three and it was just licking at the top of the wall.(oh, and the two towels that were in the tub had disappeared in the gross water) I got freaked out and shut off the water, again I don't remember actually doing anything, and wondering what the heck was going on. It was at this point that the entire shower curtain wall went flying up and almost ripped of the bar it was on. I struggled to get it back around, but the wind was just too powerful. After struggling for a bit Brianna walks up and tells me that the kids probably can't come with this wind. I then simultaneously ask her if she could help me with this project I've been working on, and realize I'm naked. She doesn't seem to care though, so she says she'll meet me somewhere and walks off. And that is all I can remember! Cool huh?

Dream Sequence

All right, a little backstory for everyone. Firstly, I work at Boston Pizza. Secondly, I have been watching this show called dexter. Thirdly, I got the flu yesterday. Now these three things have combined into a very interesting and kind of terrible dream. Yesterday I got off work early and then had a five hour nap. Thankfully without interruptions, but then I had to go back to sleep for that night, and that didn't go over so well. I ended up staring at the insides of my eyelids till about two, before finally falling into a quasi-sleep until about four thirtyish. During that time I had one of the oddest, not exactly a dream, because I was conscious for it, but I guess hallucinations or something. Anyways, what happened was that I would lie on my bed and then there would be this sort of grid on my bed and I would put things into the different spots and try to make everything work. So in one spot I would put Rita (Dexter's girlfriend), in another I'd put a troublesome cop, in another I'd put one of my tables, and then other random stuff, mostly from Dexter and work, would get shoved into the other spots. Although it was kind of cool that whenever I ran out of spaces I could just think really hard and another couple spots would pop out of nowhere. I remember a few times just being so tired and sick of all these things that I had to deal with, so I would just grab everything and throw them off my bed and then say "God, just help me get to sleep!", then after a bit, everything would start popping back up again. Another thing I remember is a few times I just got table after table, and I kept asking Laurie to take them, but she kept on saying she was too busy, and then I kept on remembering that I wasn't even working today, or that it was three in the morning, so BPs was closed, but she never helped me out... Which sucked. And basically then end of the dream is that I finally got to actually sleep at about four thirty. So ya. Odd dream/hallucination. Good times.

Dream Sequence

Hey everyone! I had another dream last night! I hated it. It was almost fantastic and then something happened and it turned into one of the worst dreams ever. I'll let you figure out where that is. I can only remember a few different scenes from it, so here they are.
There's this guy named x13 and then a few more letters, but I can't remember them. He's got this power that turns his body into incredibly long and thin spikes. So it looks like the spikes are about a foot long, but actually then extend for about four or five feet. I can't remember if he is explaining that to me, or if he's trying to kill me and the narrator tells me about him... oh well...
Next scene: (hmm... I just realized that most of the dream and awesomeness happened before this, but I can only remember after it went wrong) Carsyn comes over to visit and watch this play with me, and so she meets me at the play and sits down, and I sit next to her, after about thirty seconds, she gets up and says, "well, I'm done." I ask if she's leaving, and she says yes, so I give her an odd look and say that she's only been here for a few minutes and she say, "well, you are my best.............freak." and then runs off.
Next scene: I'm running after Carsyn and she has caught up with three other people. One of which I recognize as a bad lady from earlier in the dream. She (the lady) then attacks me, and is clinging onto me as I try to catch up with Carsyn. The lady is clung onto me and is for some reason trying to bite my crotch, so I have one hand holding her mouth open, and the other beating her head. Needless to say, I can't catch up with Carsyn by the time she and the two others jump into a SUV.
Next scene: I'm at the building that Carsyn went to, and I'm trying to figure out a way in, but not having much luck. No one has noticed me though.
Next scene: I'm on the roof of the building, and I'm somehow endowed with Superman's powers, and then I'm fighting this crazy magician guy with a knife. He says this spell thing and then lunges toward me, but the narrator tells me that the technique he used can kill even superman, so I use his momentum to throw him off the roof, and I watch as he tries to remember the spell that activates his jetpack. He does remember, but he still crashes to the ground, ruining his jetpack, and hurting him pretty bad.
That's all I can remember, but I remember waking up a little later, and lying in bed on the verge of tears for about two hours just replaying Carsyn calling me a freak... Lame.

Dream Sequence

Okay, here's another dream that I just had last night. I was teaching an improv class in this odd room. It was roughly L shaped, and it had a pass through thing on the south part of it. Anyways, I had three people from the class come up and I told them the improv scene they were going to do. There were two kids that I don't recognize, and Lothar, Grace's dad. So I told them that they were at work and the two kids were going to totally screw up unplugging a toilet or something like that, when Lothar, their boss, comes in. I remember saying "remember the pizza? Kinda like that." I don't really know what that was about. Anyways, so they start the scene and Lothar stands off behind the class to wait for a good entrance. So the two kids start doing something. I couldn't quite tell what, but before I can figure it out, a whole bunch of people (they weren't there before) run into the scene and start trying to see what's going on. So there's two groups of people in front of me, and everyone is being loud and crazy, and I remember seeing this little lady in a green dress tearing like heck around one of the groups. Finally :Lothar comes up next to me and says that I should probably stop it since things are getting out of hand. He told me to yell "King" for some reason. So I stop everyone, and send everyone who isn't in Drama 25/35 out. There are these two random kids who can't quite remember if they are in those classes, but then the girl says "wait, we were in Terminator, so we must be in it." Then I got the whole class to sit down and I asked them all what they liked about it, what they didn't like, and what they would have done differently. Then I woke up!

Dream Sequence

Hello dear readers! I've had another dream this fine night, and I felt that I would share it with you. Actually I've had it three times in the past few nights, I just haven't been able to fully remember it until now.

So Meaghan calls me up and tells me that we should do some drama stuff and hang out. I say okay and then things get a little foggy, but eventually it turns out that her and I are up on a stage and we're doing Wicked. At least, we're pretending to do Wicked. She is doing all the lines, but I don't know them so I'm just improving away having a great time, and apparently I'm doing rather well! It's at this point that I notice that I'm wearing my bathrobe over my costume. Or maybe that was my costume... Dunno! So then we get to the last lines of the play and she sings a few bars of a song and I harmonize perfectly, and then we run off stage. It's at this point that I notice that there's an audience there and they all start clapping and I stand at the back rather stunned while Meaghan runs up onto the stage to take her bow. Then about eighty kids run up and also take a bow, and I try to run up, but there seems to be some kind of scaffolding in the way, so I have to crawl under it, and then I get on stage just as everyone is stopping clapping. But that's okay with me! Good times!

Dream Sequence

Greetings dear readers! A few times in the past while I've had some dreams that I've actually been able to remember. I ended up actually writing one down while I was at Playhouse North and a few since. I thought they were pretty interesting so I've decided to share them! They almost remind me of my Plug from Valencia story! Ok, here's one that I had a few weeks ago.

I'm at a party at one of my friends' house. Everyone's having a good time when all of a sudden half of everyone is a zombie. I run to the bedroom in the back and Patrick's sitting on the top bunk and I yell at him that we have to get of there. I then jump through the window and run to my truck. Unfortunately that is the point that I remember that I had left it at the last house we were at. I was going to run back to get Patrick but there were a group of zombies already limping towards me so I carried on. I was jogging along (I think to get back to my truck) when this group of six guys on bikes ride up behind me. I kind of freak out and I do something awesome (I think I kicked one of them off a bike or something) and then one of the guys (they're like 15ish) says "ok, I guess we can follow him." So they all jump off their bikes and start running along with me. I then decide we should probably be armed so we head over to a nearby warehouse. I open the big garage door and peek in and notice this really cute girl. But then she turns around and I see she's a zombie. I think "well that sucks", and then close the door and tell my group that we can't go in. Then a family of zombies starts to chase us down this alley with a gate on either end. I tell the guys to keep running and then I spin around and gun them down with my pistol. I start congratulating myself when this zombie in silver gladiator armor drags itself around the corner. The world stops for a second and his name appears "The Immolator" or "The Imunizor" or something like that. Anyways, the world starts up again and I run around the corner to my waiting group and I yell "guns up!". There are a whole bunch of guns on the ground marked like in Metal Gear Solid 4 and I pick one up. Then I turn around and we all start firing on the zombie guy. Then another zombie comes around the corner but this one is dressed in a cowboy outfit with two silver six shooters. All of our shots just bounce off his armor. It's at this point that I run out of ammo and start panicking. But then I think "Wait a second, why am I using this gun?" I then pull out a huge machine gun and open up. After a few seconds under the heavy fire both the zombies walk off. All the guys in my group trade high fives and We turn around to see this huge white truck. I look left and right and ask with a grin, "anyone know how to hotwire?". Then I woke up.