Letter to Sara

Dearest Sara,

As I presume will be the case with some letters to come, I doubt you will ever actually read this. This letter is more for me to be able to sort through my thoughts and try to move past them. You know how I tend to think hard, but think really slow. I'm hoping that this letter will let me finally put my thoughts to rest and let me move on. You've held hold of my heart and mind for long enough. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance to. Anyways, if you ever did decide to give me the time of day, this is what I want to say.

Man, I just don't know how you got me so so wrong. I mean, you know me right? You know I'm practically impotent at communication over text. You know that I'm not condescending, or judgmental, or an asshole. You know these things about me, so why the heck, over one short burst of text conversation, would you decide that everything you know about me is totally wrong??? Why wouldn't you at least try to talk to me to understand what went wrong? Why would I suddenly be acting and talking so different from what you've always known me to be? Am I not worth the effort to understand? Do you not care? You told me you love me! I thought that meant you care! When you told me you'd be there for me no matter what, I thought that meant that you would at the absolute minimum talk to me no matter what! I'm so vehemently frustrated! And angry! I don't deserve to be cast aside like this. From the very conversation that you threw me away over I commiserated with you how we both have the flaw of thinking too little of ourselves and that we both needed to remember that we are not garbage to be thrown away. We both deserve better. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I meant what I said. I'm mad, but I will always care for you. Call it condescending if you want, but I call that at least a little bit of love. I love you, especially as I have gotten to know you more. I think the world of you. I don't know how this could have turned out so wrong. I guess some miscommunication when talking about hurts would do it eh? Yeah, about that...

I still am not brave enough to re read our last conversation. The panic I feel thinking about it, I just can't right now. Which is a little pathetic I admit, but you already know how painful this is. Having someone you deeply care about cut you out? It hurts deep. But despite that I still keep going back to the parts I do remember. For the first couple months I keep thinking, "What the hell happened? What went wrong?" I tried to talk to you, but I shouldn't have ever tried to text. I should have just asked to meet. Then maybe we could have understood each other. I remember the panic of that last conversation. The weeks of writing and rewriting my message, trying to explain as succinctly as possible, while also trying to bridge towards you, who I treasure. I remember the feeling of this precious relationship slipping through my hands. Thinking back I remember talking about Grace and having no clue why she had come up. I think I understand now, but then I was just afraid that you were maybe misunderstanding something about my previous relationship in a way that made it relevant to ours. I didn't realize you thought I was comparing my relationship with Grace to yours with Ryan and Alex. It seems so obvious now, but I was so panicked and defensive, and you seemed to mad and insulting. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't aware enough to bypass the things that didn't matter and hone in on what had actually gone wrong.

I think I have figured it out though. Of course, I don't really have a way of knowing, but I think I really got it. It comes down, as it did a few times in our disagreements, to a different understanding of words. I've talked to a few people and I've learned that my understanding of 'flaws' is actually different from most people's. Not a good thing. Not at all. You see, I think of people sort of like stained glass windows. Beautiful, shining in light, but with many cracks. I thought of those chips and cracks in the glass as flaws. The word I should have been using was brokenness. I don't think of a flaw as intrinsically negative. They can easily lead to negativity, the word I had in my head being faults, but did not have to. When you said that those things I listed weren't flaws, but just things that happened to you, I pretty much agree! They are spots of deep brokenness in you, and a number of them parallel cracks in my own life. I remember you texting me that a flaw is "pushing yourself too hard" which confused me at the time. I mean, that could be the result of a flaw (my thinking) but seemed more like a quirk of personality. I'm sorry I think so differently. Sometimes people find it novel, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I try to ask lots of questions, so I can understand as much as possible the way someone else is thinking. I just couldn't do it enough over text. I didn't understand where the breakdown in communication was happening. I was truly trying to encourage you, not stand in judgement or condemnation. I wasn't even thinking of my own experience in pointing those four things out! I was remembering the conversations we had had before and trying to give you a different way of looking at those broken parts and seeing how they weren't as damaged as you may have thought. Ironic that from your perspective I was laughing at how bad you were in those areas.

I guess I want to try to explain why I did point out those particular places of brokenness. I guess I really misunderstood what you were trying to say to me in those conversations. You weren't the only one who misunderstood. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand. I thought that I did understand, but I see now just how mistaken I was.

Firstly was talking about previous relationships. I recall having several conversations over the course of our relationship, but the particular one you said something that I remember perfectly because I thought it was so poetic. You said "I guess the relationship was over before we actually broke up." It was about Ryan and Alex that you said that, so I really shouldn't have generalized and said it was "some of your past relationships". Should have been more specific I guess. I see why you thought I was comparing your relationships to my relationship with Grace. At the time I was just baffled as to why she came up. I wasn't thinking about her at all. Just what you had previously told me. Though you did mischaracterize my relationship with her... It doesn't really matter though. She wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having.

The second thing with talking badly about yourself was pretty much exactly the conversation we had had a couple weeks before that, and it didn't seem you took offence to it either time, so I'll just leave it. You did comment that you really liked the way I'd put it the first time though, so I think you got what I was saying. Don't make a description become a prescription. Anyways...

Talking about self worth was probably what I'm most confused about. If you assume that I was using the normal definition of flaw then what I said really wouldn't have made any sense. And it seems, thinking back on it, that you didn't think it made sense, but you just insulted me instead of asking me to make sense of it. It could have been the perfect opportunity to find out where the wires were getting crossed. Man, I wish we could have been more clear headed. I was terrified and you were mad, and now I'm somewhat mad and you're just... Well I guess I don't really know you as well as I thought, so I have no idea what you're thinking. Maybe you still think about me and wonder what went wrong, or maybe how you could have missed how awful I am, or maybe you just aren't thinking about me at all. Just purged me from your life scorched earth style. I hope not. I still hope we can reconcile someday. Someday we can understand each other and start again. I really like you. I think we could have a truly wonderful friendship.

Finally is the one that you seemed to have gotten the most mad at. Talking about Jeff. Now here I think I did actually make a presumption. At least in one part. I didn't only go by what we had talked about in the past. But we'll get to that.

I remember talking a couple times about Jeff and marriage. In particular I remember talking one time in your room about marriage vows. I can't remember exactly what you said, but when I asked you about what you thought of wedding vows and maybe marrying again in the future, you said something along the lines of, "I do think the vows matter a lot. I'd really have to think about it before doing something like that again." Again, I don't remember your exact words, but I don't know how else to interpret what I do remember. The topic changed soon afterwards, so I didn't really get into details with you, but I can't imagine what you meant other than that you'd really have to consider yourself before making vows again. I don't see any other interpretation. I'd love to get clarity, because you seemed really upset about that in particular. That's not me calling you a bad person for getting a divorce. You told me only a little bit of the details, so all I have to go off is what you told me. I just know that when I broke my word it broke a bit of me, and it sounded to me like the same happened with you. I can't imagine how deep that brokenness goes in you. I'm sorry that it happened.

And the last thing that I am very sorry for is making a presumption. I said that you should have fought harder for your marriage. And I shouldn't have. I don't know the full situation. I don't know how hard it was to stay. I just know when you told me that you wished that he had fought for you, I thought you wanted him to have fought as hard as you had. I thought that because when I've talked to every one of my friends who have gotten a divorce, every one of them said they wish they had fought harder for their marriage. The men and the women. I presumed that you were like that as well. I shouldn't have thought that and I'm sorry.

I guess that's it then, huh? I wanted to explain myself a little bit. Try to help you understand where I'm coming from and see that you took what I was trying to say over text in the wrong way. I definitely see that I never should have tried to say anything really tough over text. You'd think I'd have learned that by that point! I'm sorry that I couldn't communicate well. And it cost me you. One of the people I care most about. I still feel hurt, angry, sad.. sometimes. I guess I thought that I was worth fighting for. I thought that you loved me. I love you. Always will. It'll never look like it did, but when I said I'd be here for you no matter what I meant it. You will always be special. I will always care for you. Goodbye, sweet Sar-bear.

Another one done

 It's been another year. A really odd year. I can't quite describe how out of the ordinary it was. It's like every part of my life that I've spent more than a decade working on and building all got thrown out the window seemingly for nothing. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but what the crap was all that? I thought I was moving in the right direction, thought God was leading me to Calgary, to new opportunities, new relationships, new joys. Instead I mostly just got really really really lonely. Sara was a welcome respite in that, one that I selfishly took advantage of. I've a new appreciation of my own depravity. My selfishness, lies, manipulations, faithlessness, and duplicity. My selfishness lead to harming possibly my favorite relationship I've ever been in. Sara was incredible. She kept me sane during insane work hours, long long weeks, and stressful trip planning. She was so much of what I could possibly hope for. Fun, funny, incredibly gorgeous, smart, outspoken, a board gamer, caring, a great cook, thoughtful, always looking for adventure. I learned and grew a lot from her. And I screwed it all up. The start of the relationship was rocky. She's not a Christian, so I didn't want to introduce her to my friends and family because I didn't want any of them to tell me no. That this was a bad idea. That we'd butt heads about really important things. But I didn't care. I was lonely. That insipid killer, loneliness. I felt like life was just... drudgery. Day after day after day. No hope. She gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was actually good enough to be with someone as wonderful as her. I hurt her. I was the monster. I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship, but this time I was the heart breaker. It's not easier on the other side. It's not nice to look at yourself and groan. Sure she hurt me back. I'm in so much pain right now. But I started it. I just wish I could talk to her. We could figure out anything if we talked face to face. Anything. And we had. Sure, we didn't always reach a conclusion, but we pushed through and knew that we were on each other's team. I won't pretend that I was willing to be all in, but things were really good. We had a lot of fun together. We cared deeply for one another. At least I thought we did. Maybe I just hurt her too bad. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to figure things out. I just don't understand... She knows I'm garbage at texting. I told her that I couldn't fight over text. It was too hard. I couldn't make myself clear. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't use the intonation to show that no matter what I was on her side. I think I screwed up in what I texted to her. She asked me to tell her her faults, and after confirming she really wanted me to, I did. I mirrored back the places she had told me she was broken. Past relationships, self worth, self image. She blew up at me. Called me names, of all things. I didn't know how to react. If we were talking we could have figured it out. I'm simultaneously terrified and furious. Why be mad at me for what she asked for? Why blow up about things that she had said? Because I listened to her? Because we weren't together anymore so I wasn't supposed to remember? What if I lose her forever? Last year she was the best thing in my life. Now she's gone. Maybe not forever, but she was so angry. So hurt. I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could be honest and open with each other. Where we'd be there for each other no matter what. We both said those words. That we'd be there for each other. Why would she lie? I know she didn't mean to, that she meant it in the moment, but isn't the whole point of being a man or woman of your word to have what you say matter? What you promise? Well, I guess I'm not one to talk. I lied and hid to everyone else in my life. I'm no better. I'm worse. She at least tried. I'm trying now. I've told everyone everything. Begged forgiveness for my lies. Now I just hope I can ask her forgiveness too. I desperately hope for it. I desperately hope that this wasn't all for nothing. That I didn't lose one of the best things in my life. It just HURTS. I cried so hard for so many days. I just don't understand. 2024 has been really rough so far. There is hope on the horizon, but it's such a long way off. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep struggling towards it. I know that the next six days will be better. The next six weeks will be better. The next six months will be better. I just can't see that in there here and now. I feel hopeless. We'll see.

I are excite for games.

So, I have this friend named Craig, and we ended up becoming friends when we both discovered that we were both independently designing board games with the exact same theme of being Mech pilots. We ended up building some prototypes and testing them out on each other, and have gotten together every once in a while to play games and toss around ideas. Recently though, he's told me about this really cool fantasy setting that he's been developing for the past few years, and we've started brainstorming some ideas for how we could use some of the concepts to create an awesome board game!

The main idea of his setting is that there is this magical dark moon that hangs stationary above one area of the planet. This moon warps everything around it and gives off some sort of magical power that people are able to harness, but it is incredibly volatile and dangerous. And with the moon warping everything near it, the wildlife and even landscape becomes extremely dangerous. So, most of the human population lives outside of the influence of the moon, in the charted lands, but there are some people, either brave or foolhardy, who live in small villages in what is known as the half-moon frontier. Those people will be the main focus of our game. There's a lot more to the lore that is incredibly cool, but it's not super important for gameplay at the moment.

Lies! I forgot that one of the things that the moon sometimes imparts on people is the ability to shape plant life to suit their needs. These growers can use their energy to almost instantly grow a seed into the exact tool they need for any given task. These tools can then later be planted to grow more, which are then traded off to the people in the charted lands. It's only the power of the moon that allows for the sudden growth and shaping. Craig has a few pictures of the kind of aesthetic he wants to go with, and it's lots of intricate wooden buildings, and swords made from hardened leaves. It's super cool!

Anyways, so with the advent of the new Keyforge game, I wanted to do something with it's cool idea. If you haven't already heard, Keyforge is a "unique" card game, which means that every single deck that is sold is completely unique. All the decks are drawn from a set of a few hundred cards, but no two decks have the same combination of cards, and has a unique card back. There is no deck building, you are not allowed to change any of the cards, you just get what you get and play!

So, I love that "unique" idea and was thinking that we could use that for the game in the case of adding packs that would send you on adventures. What I mean by that is... You would start with a starter deck of cards that everyone would have access to, which would represent your village and initial characters in the village that would be able to go on a few simple adventures. But the really exciting bit comes when you introduce packs. Each pack that could be purchased would contain a completely unique adventure, with unique locations to visit, warped monsters to defeat or capture, forgotten treasures and magic seeds, and even objectives drawn from a large list of possibilities.

So you might go out trying to hunt down a monster that was attacking villagers, you may need to make contact with another village, escort an elder to a newly uncovered ruin, search for a lost child, defend your village from waves of enemies, all sorts of things! The top card of each pack would always be a map card, so you would end up exploring during your adventures, never knowing exactly what you might find. I'm not sure exactly how the encounters will work yet, but I want it to be the case that there will always be a few ways to approach things, whether it be in coming across some warped bear and just attacking and killing it, or trying to capture it and eventually tame it, sneak past it, run away, all that good stuff! And with there being a map to explore, it usually won't be the case that you only have one way to go. If you absolutely can't get past that bear, maybe you'll have to see if you can talk your way past a rival group of adventurers by going around.

What I'm working on now is trying to figure out how to make an encounter system that allows for all those different possibilities. I've been studying some other games, particularly the Dark Souls card game and Tainted Grail, which is a new kickstarter game that involves exploring map cards and dealing with encounters through combat or diplomacy. I'm just so excited by the idea of getting basically a new game every time you buy a pack of cards! And by going on these adventures you'll be able to add new cards to your village by finding new blueprints for creating new tools, by capturing monsters that will be warped in unique ways that only you will experience, and by powering up your characters by warping their very essence as they approach the dark moon. I'm so excited!

There's lots more to tell, but I think that's enough for now! It's getting late!

Get it off my chest

I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...


I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.

Are we the unchurched generation?

This is something I've been meaning to write for a very long time. A few of my friends have decided that they don't want to go to church. That they've got their own way of doing things. While I realize that everyone has a different way that they connect with God best, it's unbelievably obvious to me that they've been badly misguided. As Pastor Scott at my church is so fond of saying, "The church is God's plan A. There is no plan B."

As I've been fond of saying lately, let's have a look at what Jesus did. I figure that, being perfect, he probably has the best possible habits that we can follow. Starting right at Luke 2:41 there is the story of Jesus leaving Joseph and Mary and staying in the temple at the ripe old age of 12. When they ask him why he would do such a thing he replies, "Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" And in case you forgot, he's God. That means that there really wasn't much for him to learn there. I know he limited himself, but still, if God decides that it's good to go to the temple to learn, you'd better believe it's a good idea for us too! This attitude he continues for the entirety of his life. Later he was more into the teaching rather than the learning, but again, isn't that a good reason for us to go to church? If we're a little more knowledgeable than others, the best thing we can do is share it. We're all part of the team. We're all part of the family. So really, shouldn't we all be saying, "Didn't you realize that I must be in our Father's house?"

So, if you don't think that simply following in Jesus' footsteps was a good enough reason (though I'd be very worried if you didn't...) let's look at the early church. Acts 2:42-46 tells us that the early Christians devoted themselves to fellowship, attended the temple together and broke bread together. It seems that simply going to church together wasn't good enough! In Hebrews 10:25, Paul pleads for them to "not neglect meeting together, as is the habit of some..." It seems staying isolated is the exact opposite of what we're supposed to be doing as Christians.

Another line of reasoning is in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. There we're told that we are all part of the body of Christ. There's the funny yet profound questioning of the eye saying it doesn't need the hand, or the foot saying it isn't as good as the hand. In verse 14 it says "the body does not consist of one member, but of many." So then I ask, isn't is foolish to think that we can be apart from the body? It's as silly as thinking that the head can live without the heart. Alone we're just ears, eyes, and hands flopping around not doing anything. It's only together that we can actually accomplish anything of any worth.

Church is where we can love one another (1 John 4:12), encourage one another (Hebrews 3:13), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), instruct one another (Romans 15:14), honor one another (Romans 12:10), and be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32). How can we do these things for each other if we're not around each other? How can we be know by our love for one another (John 13:35) if we're never seen together? I ask you, what are you doing?

The big reason that I haven't actually written this out until how (aside from the fact that this isn't as long as a full sermon) is because the people that I'd actually teach this to aren't the ones who need to hear it. I pray that God will use this as it's sitting here to maybe teach those of you who do need to hear it. I hope that I get to meet you! I have to say that that is one of my favorite things about church. Getting to meet together with people that share a lot of the same ideals and thoughts with me. Getting to go to a safe space where I can be encouraged and learn. I really do love learning. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little I really know! I hope that you'll go to church. I know that they're not all as great as mine. I know that there will be conflict, people that you don't like. I know that. But remember that we're all on the same side, part of the same family. Sure our brothers and sisters may drive us nuts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. My dear brother or sister, I hope that I'll get the opportunity to meet you too.

The Struggle is Real!

When people say' "Science has disproved God." here's what I think.

Person A: "I think that this box we call the universe has a creator."
Person B: "No that's not true!"
Person A: "Well why not?"
Person B: "Because we have looked over every inch of that box, and we haven't found a creator."
Parson A: "..."

Is this the last hurrah?

Good day good sir, madam, or whomever ye may be. Apparently I'm in a strange mood... As always, it's been a wonderful Christmas season again, although I didn't get to see all of the cousins.. Next time Sean! Also Rob. Didn't see him. But I'm sure you don't care much about that now do you? No, you're here to hear my witty and intelligent thoughts on society, religion, life, and so on. Right?

The more I learn the more I find that I don't know enough. Every time I discover some interesting tidbit, I find that there's a new challenge that I'm not even close to being ready to face. What do I mean? Well, in case you didn't know, I've been heavily involved with things at my church, UDAC. I've actually been doing sermons, which I promise to post soon, for the young adults at least once a month. On top of that I also run games nights, a walking with God study, and GM for a pathfinder group. This coming semester I want to also start a men's ministry focusing on mentorship, as well as starting anew my apologetics bible study hybrid. Getting off topic, but I'll talk about those later. Because of my involvement, I've been more aware of other people's ideas and have been working to engage more with them, especially at school. This has been, to say the least, quite the challenge. There's been questions on the Trinity, on Jesus' divinity, on the nephalim, evolution, all sorts of stuff that I used to know, but have forgotten so much of. It feels like every step I take forward, my mind slips back two.. And with the sermons, every time I speak I learn something new. That's a good thing, but I feel like I can never get every important thing out in the one sermon. Like every tidbit needs to be explored and understood. That's really frustrating! As I don't have the time to either speak about it, or to study everything to my satisfaction. I guess that's just the curious/teacher side of me and my insatiable thirst for knowledge. I really wish it actually worked to improve your memory. Cuz I've tried. Man have I tried... Yeah, there's some stories there. Some pain. Though I guess there's some pain if you go anywhere. If that's what you look for. Maybe that's my trouble.

I'm gonna be honest with you. This semester has been just bad... There isn't the right word. Horrible? Terrible? Disastrous? Bad is the most general, yet negative word I can think of at the moment. Rough. It's been rough. I had two friends walk away from the church, a friend attempt suicide, a friend decide she didn't want to talk to me anymore.. I felt abandoned at church, I felt inadequate to speak, to get a job, to do well in school. At church my four closest friends all left for different reasons. I guess one didn't leave, but things just haven't been the same for some unfathomable reason. I just felt so crushed. Always tired. I spent so many days wondering if it would matter if I were here. Not in a suicidal way mind you, I just felt defeated. Unworthy. Useless. Abandoned. I find it amazing that I can say now that I'm stronger for it. It's been tough, and I'm still not past everything, but I do feel stronger. I had a good friend of mine as for advice, and I was actually able to help him out. That's something I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know... I guess I just feel like myself again to a point. But I almost fell back into what I was before. Before I knew God. That emptiness. I'm so grateful that He decided to still talk with me! To teach me the things I needed to hear in my own sermons. To send those unexpected people to remind you that you're not nothing. That really is the fight that I have over and over. The struggle against nothingness. I'm scared that I'll never kick it. That I'll always be haunted by it. That I'll always be afraid. But that's what's driving me on to try and get back to God over and over! That's why I'm genuinely wanting to get involved. To make a difference. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I honestly don't have the words to express how hard this semester has been. I can't tell you how hard it is to fight against the weariness. Please pray.

But, (ah that ever interesting word) I have my plans for the coming year. Let me tell you about them and why I want to do them! I'll go over them in the same order that I wrote them up above.

Sermons! I'm still going to be doing them, and I think it quite obvious why this is important. Without learning, without that growth, I don't actually think it possible to be a Christian. And let me tell you, teaching teacher more than being taught! I think that every person should teach something, which is one thing that I want to get into in my apologetics hybrid, but we'll get to that. Anyways, I absolutely love speaking, and most people say they enjoy them and get something from them, so I guess I'm doing a decent job. Always room for improvement though! I'll be getting Pastor Scott to help me out with that!

Games night! Not one you'd normally think of as being important to the Christian walk which, if you haven't noticed, is something I've been especially focused on, and will continue to be. I keep learning that God has good things to say on almost literally everything, so I've been looking for opportunities to put what I learn into practice! Games night, right. This is to promote the combining of the different age groups. So many churches that I have been to have such distinct lines between the kids, the youth, the young adults, the 'regular' adults (still haven't thought of a good title for that), and the seniors. The church is supposed to be a family. More than that, a single organism, one body. How can we be that if we keep splitting off? At games night I ask everyone to attend (and to bring any friends, so we've had a few non-Christians come, which is exciting) and we've had some success with that. Had a couple seniors, two adults, a ton of young adults, and six kids/youth (have I mentioned I'm terrible at guessing ages?) come, and I'm hoping it'll keep expanding this next semester. Lord knows I can support a ton with my giant collection of games!

Walking With God Study! This is something Rayne and I have been doing together. We just started the week before finals, so I'm not worried that it was just us for the first two weeks! But anyways, Rayne is dyslexic, and finds it hard to connect with God through reading the Bible all the time. I can relate, and so can a bunch of other people! Which is why we started this. It's learning different ways to get to know God, specifically focusing on His creation! So we'll be doing things such as nature walks and... I honestly have no idea. It'll be an adventure that's for sure! This is a brand new way of thinking for me, and I'm excited to see where it leads!

GMing a Pathfinder Game! Again, not something you'd think would be important to a Christian life. This one is a little more personal. I have a friend who comes who isn't a Christian, and he loves to talk about religion, and to be honest is more informed on a lot than me. Before we start we always end up talking for a half hour or so, and quite often have really good talks about Christianity. He's great source for challenges, and I hope that I and the others in the group can challenge him. The group also has a few of my friends that have a hard time fitting into the 'normal' crowd, so I'm really glad that I am able to create a place for them to be comfortable and have fun in!

Men's Ministry! Again, I've noticed at a lot of churches the extent of the men's ministry is to have a breakfast once a month. That's it. I feel that that is a huge wasted opportunity and I'm planning on finding some like minded men to fix that! I already have at least one on board. Basically this is both because I want to build that interconnectedness that we're supposed to have as Christians, but there's also a very personal reason I want to have a mentor around. Over the summer, and with talking to Luke, I've found that pornography is a huge problem for, unfortunately, the vast majority of young adult men. I always kind of knew that, but it never really clicked until this semester. So the first thing that I want to address is porn. How to fight it, how to help others, and what it really does to us. I've learned so much from my sermons on the incredible importance and value of both sex and marriage, and porn is so destructive of that. I know because I struggle with it daily. I know that I need backup because I fail so hard and so often, and I want to make an opportunity for others like me to learn from people who understand and have gone through it. I know that porn is also an issue for girls (surprise!), but I'm not sure I'm ready to do things with that yet. Although it's just as destructive... So yeah! Fight against porn and connect through the ages. Alright!

Finally is the Apologetics Bible Study Hybrid! This is basically just restarting the study that I did last year. Over the summer Justine took it over and it moved away from the apologetics and more towards the Bible study. That's definitely good, but it's not what I feel I'm called to. So I want to start again with the study the way that I did it. Although I know that there are a few other guys that want to get in on it, as well as a good friend from another church! So I'm hoping what will happen is that we can combine to have a place for both our churches to come to get equipped against all the modern challenges! Lord knows I need the practice... I also want to run it differently in that I don't want to be doing all of the leading. I've learned that a good way to split is having a leader to keep the study on track and bring the material, someone to engage the group and make sure everyone is included and heard (I can't remember the name of this job), and the host, who prepares the study area. I was doing all of those things when I was leading, and it was really too much. So I think I'll try to do it more in this split way this time. Oh! And apologetics is important because people are lazy. We Christians in North America just don't think much! We don't learn the most basic of things, and then get wholly disillusioned when someone comes in with the most stupid of challenge, and we don't have an answer. I get so frustrated with our laziness (and yes, I'm in there too), and I want this study to be where we can go to actually learn the things that we should know. A place where any sincere question is a good question. I want to equip people to face the challenges. Because honestly, there are really not that many hard ones. We've just become fat. Oh man, I have a lot more to say on that, but I think I'm done for tonight!

I hope that you've had a fantastic Christmas season, and I hope that God blesses you in the coming year! See you on the other side.

Doom Bots are attacking my mind

Well, today is the day we head off to the young adults retreat at Crowsnest Pass. I am looking forward to it as it is always a good time, but I'm also apprehensive. You see, I'm talking about our identity as people of great worth. As you may know, this has been one of my greatest struggles throughout my life, and it's been rather tough working through the sermon. And I'm also nervous to share it with everyone. And I realized that this is because I don't have any good friends at REACH anymore. Josh can't come because of stupid rumors, Tony isn't coming because he doesn't feel like he fits in at UDAC anymore, Rayne has a baby and Dramanutz, and I still don't know what's going on with Chelsea. Rather than being refreshing, REACH has become quite draining to me. So much so that I've actually avoided going a few times recently without knowing why. I've started doing the very thing that drives me the most crazy about people who say they're Christians.. How can you be a Christian and not go to church when God demands it? As pastor Scott likes to say, "there is no plan B." As Christians we must go to church. I've actually had a few friends tell me that they've decided not to go to church anymore but still consider themselves Christian, and I am planing on writing a whole post on that, but now I also have to do it for me... Well, at least at the retreat I get to see my old college buddy Forrest Saturday evening. That'll be good!

True love

There's probably going to be a number of posts on this theme soon, as it's really been what God's been teaching me about this summer. Now I'm no expert yet, but I've learned quite a lot, so don't dismiss my thoughts right away! But this is just something inspired by a song I was listening to. Call it a poem or a song in progress.



If love has taught me anything, it's taught me what I'm worth.
First it taught me that I am worth less than a compliment, and less than a man who can do it right.
Second it taught me that I am worth less than a conversation, less than a man with muscles.
Third it taught me that I am worth less than a message, less than the effort to engage.
Fourth it taught me that I am worth less than honesty, less than the beliefs of birth.
Fifth it taught me that I am worth less than friendship, less than loyalty.
Sixth it taught me that I am worth less than a change of life.
So if love has taught me anything, it's that I'm worthless.

But.
How soon we forget.
Love says I am worth fighting for.
Love says I am worth striving for.
Love says I am worth pain.
Love says I am worth death.
Love says that I am worth the very life of God.
There is nothing so great as Love, for if Love has taught me anything, it's that
I
am worth
Everything.

Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Tired of ticking

Greetings my dear friends and colleagues! It being fifty minutes till April makes me a little stressed, as I've decided to write every single month, but the topics I wish to talk about are quite in depth and would be quite time consuming. And as you know, I hate writing, so that makes it even less appealing to me...
But I want to share something that's been on my heart for a while now, and that I'm going to be writing a sermon on. Apparently that's just something I do now.. But I love it! Sermons are lesson plans on things that I really care about!
Anyways, over the last few months I've been talking with many people who are dealing with feeling unworthy of God's love. Feeling that the past is too bad, or that it's impossible to get away from their old demons. And I just keep running different things that I want to say so badly, but I don't have all the words yet. It makes me think of a video that I may have put up here, but I'll put it up again. It's by Mattie Montgomery, the singer for one of Luke and Brianna's favorite bands For Today. In it he shares a vision that he had about how he saw Jesus and asked him if it hurt when he got the scars in his hands, and Jesus simply saying, "It was worth it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogKnrBrrJSM

It's really powerful, and this one video has spoken into my life so many times. How the God who made the universe, the stars, the waters, the birds, the snow... For Him to really love us so much that he gave Everything. While we were still sinners he did this. We did nothing to deserve it, and we can do nothing to deserve it, but I often get hung up on thinking about that when that isn't the point!
The point is that he LOVES us! That there is NOTHING! NOTHING!! That can take that away! Neither death or life, angels or demons, the past or the future, heights nor depths, NOTHING! He loves us so passionately, so fully, so unrelentingly, that it is literally impossible to change it.
You've screwed up? Doesn't matter. You've hurt him? Doesn't matter. I don't know what you've done? What secrets you hide? IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! God loves us so incredibly, that the ONLY thing he wants in return is for us to love him back. That's not to trivialize our part. Love isn't easy after all!
While it may be true that we don't deserve God's love, there is hidden in there a lie from the devil. Because we may not deserve it, but it IS OURS. God loves you. Deal with it.

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?

FTW

Ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this, but I play on a soccer team. This soccer team is named Infinity. Tonight I scored not a goal, not a point, but a moment. The goalie of the opposing team had run out of the net, as all of our team was up, except me. The one game this season I decided to play defense, and I had stood back, as a good defense should. Time slowed down a little, the goalie hit the first line on the field. Time slowed again, I could see the little stress lines as he battled to keep away from our center, who was struggling valiantly to retrieve the ball. He reached midfield and slid, hoping to get the ball around me, but it jumped right over his leg and towards my waiting figure. It was the perfect setup. The ball coming directly towards me, no weird spin, no opposing players, just me and the ball. The moment of connection was exhilarating, a moment of pressure, then I watched as the ball sailed up, up, up, much too high to stay in the field. It was a valiant effort, but too much power, not enough control. I watched as the other players started to walk back into position. But then... The ball reentered my vision, it still hadn't touched the netting above the goal, it was still floating, perfectly content, perfectly in bounds. And then, thunk. The screen at the back of the net shuddered, and a whistle blew. There was a second of confusion but all eyes turned to the net. The ball... was in.

Church speaking on God the Provider

Well guys, it's happened! I'm actually speaking in front of a whole bunch of people at REACH tomorrow evening! AAAAAAHHH! I'm super excited and super nervous, so I'm going to be practicing a few times tomorrow. That's after church and rehearsal for my Improv midterm.... Oh boy. Anyways, here's my notes. I like them. They're pretty.


Tonight we're talking about God the Provider. Genisis 22:1-18


Read Gen 22:1-2
Woah. Abraham's journey had already been a little hecktic. Gen 12:1 he left his home for the land that God would give him. Gen 15:5 told he'd be the father of many nations even though he was super old. Gen 17:10 circumcise all the men in his household. About 300. After that he was told that Sarah and he were going to have a son. 99 at that point. Abraham always believed God and followed him and now this. You think after all that God would let him retire and fart around doing whatever it is really really old people do, but instead God asks “how much do you really trust me?”
That's a good question, and one that we should consider. Do I really trust God with my finances, when I'm asked to give offering. With job security when you stand up to your boss. With friends when we don't give in to the peer pressure. With providing a good Christian man or woman when being single is so lonely. Do we trust him when we don't know what he's up to?
Read Gen 22:3-6
We're in on the secret. But Abraham had no idea this was a test. Can you imagine how difficult it was? Saying “We'll be back soon” to his wife. To walk along with his son, oblivious to what his father is needing to do.
Read Gen 22:7-8
What does that mean? Maybe that Isaac, the miraculous gift that God had provided was the sacrifice. Maybe Abraham figured that God would raise Isaac back from the dead. Maybe Abraham suspected that God was testing him. Or maybe Abraham knew that God provided all the times before and he would provide again.
Read Gen 22:9
Abraham had to have told Isaac. The gig was up. There was no lamb along the way, God intended for this to go through. Notice Abraham bound Isaac. Isaac was 15, Abraham 115. Isaac had to allow it to happen. Not only was Abraham following God no matter what, so was Isaac.
Gen 22:10 “Abraham reached out and took the knife to slaughter his son.”
Can you imagine? This is it. No turning back. It's life or death.
Read Gen 22:11-14
That is some faith! And some story! But it's not done yet!
Read Gen 22:14-18
God is a master storyteller. This story is foreshadowing. Consider:
Isaac Abraham's only son, Jesus God's only son.
Isaac carried wood up mountain, Jesus carried cross up the hill.
Isaac was son of promise, Jesus promised one to come.
Isaac submitted to father's will in sacrifice, Jesus said “Not my will, but Yours be done” Luke 22:42
Ram became substitute for Isaac, Jesus became substitute for us.
Abraham didn't withhold his son, and God didn't withhold his.


God provided a ram for Abraham, and he provided a sacrifice for us.
I have a few more stories, maybe a little more identifiable to us. Not all of us have been asked to sacrifice our children, and probably don't even have any.


George Muller, a German man living in Bristol, England. Story of the orphanage and the milkman's truck breaking down outside after praying for breakfast. The baker decided to donate three batches of bread and donate it.
Tons of other amazing stories about prayer and provision.


My good friend had what was supposed to be a good job, but he was treated unfairly until finally he had had enough and quit. Once again stuck without a job, and he'd gone to school, but he's a hands on guy, so that hadn't worked out, so he wasn't able to do what he really wanted to do. Guess what? Two resume's in, and he got a job in the field he wanted to get into. God provided.


Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; know, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”


One last story for you.


John Patrick MD worked with a kid named Steven to research Cystic Fibrosis. Had to have a tube down his nose for a month, but had cough, so it would come out again over two hundred times. Did it and never complained.
Four years later John was called to Steven's room in the hospital. He was dying. When John got there Steven said, “good, I want to see you, sit down. It says in the bible that if you ask anything in my name it will be given to you. I'm nineteen and I'm dying and I don't want to. What do you say?”
So John worked his way through the creeds, God is God, Jesus son of God, confess sins and be forgiven, die and go to heaven. But then he remembered something he'd once heard.
“Oh yes God will provide for all your needs, but do read the fine print. God decides what those needs are. Not you. God will give you the answer to your prayers if it is good as defined by him. Not by you.”
John pointed out to Steven that there were kids that could run that wouldn't have been able to walk if it weren't for the research that he'd helped with.
I think God is saying this, “Steven, you've done everything I've asked of you, you've coughed enough. It's time to come home.””
John said, “we both know that unless there's a miracle, you'll die in the next few hours. Could you believe that that may be the best thing to ever happen to you?”


Are you hungry?
John 6:35 “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry””


Are you thirsty?
John 4:14 “Jesus said, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.””


Are you lonely?
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Do not be afraid of terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”


Do you feel unloved?
1 John 4:8 “whoever does not love does not know God because God is love.”


All you need is love.


God will always provide you with what you need. He even provided you with his very own son. You never have to worry about provision.


God provides in different ways, a ram stuck in a bush, his son on a cross, a milk truck breaking down, a manager looking for a new hire, a friend in a time of need.


I have a challenge for you, I love challenges. Baker didn't need to give the bread to the orphanage, the manager didn't have to give my friend a job, John didn't have to stay and talk to Steven.


You don't need to worry about God providing TO you, but my challenge to you is this:
will you allow God to provide THROUGH you?

A Gamer's Mind

Well, in an effort to cheer myself up, and considering that I already slept for about six hours today and so shant be getting much sleep, I've decided to talk about games.
Now, you may not know this, but I love games. A ton. And I happen to consider myself to be pretty darn knowledgeable about them! And I've talked about various games with various people this week, some good (see Dominion and Batman: Arkham City), some bad (see Monopoly and WoW), and some just plain weird. And one I'm building.
So first I think I'm going to talk a little about the game I'm building, and then I'm going to talk about my favorite game of all time! It'll be fun! You'll see.

So, the game that I'm working on is a kind of remake of the Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow games in board game format. I've drawn out the map of Kanto and reduced the fifty odd routes into 15. I've also selected fifty of the original 150 pokemon to be featured in the game. I've limited the types to fire, water, grass, flying, normal, electric, psychic, and ground. So I've cut out things like ice, steel, and dark. Each pokemon only has two moves instead of the normal four, and you can't teach them new moves, so that will encourage experimenting with different pokemon, rather than always going after the same ones.
I'm also thinking of adding a sort of special ability to each pokemon that will affect the goings on outside of battle. For example, the water pokemon will have surf, which allows for movement over water, or double speed movement if you have a raft. I haven't figured out what all of the abilities will be or do yet though, so stay tuned!
Movement is going to be pretty simple, you can move one space along a route, or two if you manage to get your hands on a bike. Every time you stop on a space you draw the top encounter card from the route deck (which will be color and symbol coordinated) and either fight a trainer, a wild pokemon, find an item, or have some random event occur.
Battles are going to be quick and exciting (hopefully). Each move has the amount of damage it does, any other effects it may have, and a set of numbers, one of which needs to be rolled in order to hit. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about turn order though... I don't want it to be too complicated, but I don't want it to be so simple that it'll drastically unbalance certain pokemon. Anyways, the pokemon type resistances and weaknesses are still going to apply. Also, the first move of each pokemon I'm trying to have as a mainly damaging move, with the second being a more utility style move, such as healing or delivering status effects.
Well, that's a pretty decent overview of the game I think! I still need to finish deciding on the power and hp of all the pokemon, and to build the different route decks. But once that's done, I'll finally have another completed board game for my repertoire! Although it'll need lots of testing for balance...

For the second portion of this I kind of want to do a mock review. Mostly because I know how insanely biased I am about the awesomeness of this game, and so the almost perfect score I give it is more subjective than actually representative of the game. But I'm going to justify them, so maybe you'll join me in my way of thinking! Also, I'm listening to the soundtrack of the game right now. Be jealous.

Dark Souls. A spiritual successor of Demon's Souls made by From Software (yes I realize that is a ridiculous and potentially confusing name). The catch phrase of the game is "prepare to die" and it is not kidding! Known as the incredibly unhelpful genre of action RPG, this game is unlike any other you'll play. The unforgiving difficulty of the series is probably it's most defining characteristic, along with amazing design. But we'll get into that in more detail... right now!

Design - For me, the most noteworthy thing about this game is the detailed and lovingly crafted world. I'll get into the story in a bit, so for now let's talk about the things you'll be coming across in the game. First up is enemies. You'll be fighting everything from undead humans and dogs in the beginning of the game to dragons, drakes, hydras, stone knights, giant boars, ghosts, lizard men, mimics (if you don't know what these are, then you're in for a great surprise!), crystal golems, and giant cats by the end of the game! The enemies are incredibly varied and each provides it's own unique challenge.
The level design is also fantastic, with locals such as a half submerged city, the insides of an ancient tree, a murky swamp deep underground, an vast lava filled plain, a gloomy graveyard of giants, a bright and beautiful city at sunset, and an old and crumbling castle filled with traps. Each of the levels is masterfully designed, with denizens that just seem to fit perfectly into their surroundings and tons of places to explore and conquer. At first you may be confused about where you need to go, but there are subtle clues that can alert you to the correct path and any traps that may be hiding around the corner.
The thing that I am most impressed by is, even with the huge variety of locations, it all feels like one cohesive world. Every place has it's own definite story and reason for being, and with some very clever design, you can get from one place to another in a number of different ways, which (for me anyways) makes even something as simple as traveling around the map a joy to do. There are also many places that you can see from other places. You can look down from the Tomb of the Giants to see the base of the sea. You can spot the spires of Anor Londo from all the way back in Undead Burg. It's just wonderful! Also, the map is open world, meaning that while there is an intended route, you are under no obligation to go that way. You can head towards some of the very last bosses right from the start, and can even skip some bosses altogether. You just have to be willing to die a few times till you figure out what you're doing!
And finally the boss designs. The bosses of a game are one of the defining designs. A game that's fun, but has forgettable boss battles may be good, but not great. But a game that's just okay, but with awesome and really fun boss battles can really ride on that! First in Dark Souls is, again, the variety. You'll fight a great wolf with a giant sword trying to protect the grave of his master, a pair of almost knights but for one's insatiable appetite for the bones of his enemies, a scaleless dragon driven mad by the allure of immortality, a giant of flame crying tears of lava for his departed sister, a dragon deep underground warped and deformed by his hunger. Each boss has an interesting story to them, which we'll get into later, and is unique in it's battlefield, weaknesses, and tactics. You'll fight in an endless hallway, a vast underground chamber while dodging magic bolts, and on the very top of a castle being pelted by firebombs.
So, with the beautifully crafted and varied enemies, locations, traps, bosses, and shortcuts, I give design a definite 5/5.

Story - Now, I don't usually care too much about the story in a video game. I'm usually one to say that if I wanted a story I'd watch a movie or read a book, but Dark Souls presents it's story in a way that is utterly unique to a video game. Most video games go one of two routes, either having all the exposition and lore written in books and in dialogue trees (I'm looking at you Skyrim!), or having the story revealed to you through cutscenes (I'm looking at you MGS4!). So, effectively, choosing between reading a book or watching a movie. (or from my previous examples, about fifty books and eight movies) However, Dark Souls does something that I've never seen before and takes a completely different approach. The only cutscenes are at the very beginning of the game (about two minutes) and a ten second intro scene before each of the bosses. And there isn't a single sign or book to be found throughout the game world (aside from a little text popup that tells you when you've entered a new area). All of the story of the game is found by exploring and wondering. There's only about a dozen NPCs in the game, and each of them has their own specific purpose, such as selling you magic spells or armor, and each of them has just one little option in their interaction menu: Talk. Select this and you get a tiny glimpse into the vast world of events happening around you. You don't get a wall of text or an hour of speech, you just get a few sentences about the character and what he might think of the place he's in, or the other people you've found. The rest of the story is found from item descriptions and placement, as well as paying attention to the things happening around you. Each item has a short description of what it is and what it does, and two or three sentences about the lore of the game. So you might learn from a particular hat that there was a college of magic that was drawn into a war. You may learn from a ragged set of boots that a powerful pyromancer's curse is what caused the decay in the undercity of Blighttown. Or you might even discover from a sword that an an ancient group of knights were brought to make a terrible decision to stop the spreading of a great evil. The most heartbreaking thing I discovered was finding a boss just standing and watching, without lifting a finger against me, that is until I picked up an old dress lying around. It turns out that the boss, burning from the pyromancy that had gone wrong and keeping the lava flowing with his molten tears, had been watching over the grave of his long dead sister as his last homage to her before he lost his mind. Yeah. Ouch.
The way that Dark Souls presents itself makes it easy to miss the incredible story, which is a shame, but it allows for you to explore as deeply as you want, and gain an experience unlike any I've ever had. From Soft had the fantastic idea of letting you discover the story by actually playing the game, and they delivered brilliantly.
For the deep, rich, and inventively presented story, I give the story in Dark Souls a 5/5.

Gameplay - Now we come to the big one. A game may be as beautiful and varied as you like, but if it isn't fun and interesting, it sucks. This also holds a dear place in my heart as I love studying game mechanics. The choices and design of the mechanics are more interesting to me than any backdrop!
Where to start... Well, in the game you will find literally hundreds of weapons, armors, and items to help you on your quest. Again Dark Souls allows for you to go as deep as you like even when it comes to armor and weapon sets. You can just pick the armor with the best defense and weapon with the highest attack power and head on your merry way! However, if you feel so inclined, you may want to dive into the specifics. Each enemy you'll encounter has weaknesses and resistances to things like fire, slash, or piercing attacks, and each of your armors has stats to defend against those as well. There is also poise values, which determine how hard a hit you can take without being stunned, and weight, to determine if you roll like a ninja or like a sack of hammers. Armors can also give you special stat bonuses such as increasing your stamina regeneration or boosting the power of your magic attacks. Each weapon has it's own special move set, and while some are recycled among other weapons of the same type, no two weapons handle in exactly the same way. So along with the amount and type of damage that each weapon can do, you can also take into account how fast it swings, if you can swing it in a hallway, if you can attack while hiding behind a shield, and if it goes well with your slick new boots. Each weapon also has a stat requirement and most have a stat adjustment, so you need to have the right amount in specific stats, and you can get bonuses if your stat is higher than needed. And lastly, you can have a shield (or a weapon, but it doesn't really help) in your off hand that again can give you bonuses and resistances. You are also able to parry an incoming attack with a shield, which allows for a devastating counterattack! Warning! Not all enemies and/or attacks can be countered! Shields also have different handling abilities, such as longer windows for you be able to parry, or being able to shield bash to knock an enemy off balance. Let me reiterate again, you don't have to get into this if you don't want to!
Another key part of the gameplay is the leveling system. This is another cool thing about Dark Souls, in that it is possible to compete the entire game without leveling a single time. Levels, as in a typical RPG, increase your damage, health, amount you can carry, the power of your spells, number of spells you can have at a time, and other such things. While the rewards for leveling up aren't particularly inspired, the experience (XP) system is a little more interesting. You receive "souls" for every enemy you defeat, and these souls are used both as currency and as XP. So you can use them either to get better equipment, or to improve your base stats. Another interesting way that From has used difficulty in the game is by making it that any time you die, you drop all of the souls that you were currently carrying and you have only one attempt to retrieve them before they are lost to you forever. A little frustrating at times, but it makes the thrill of defeating a boss and getting a ton of souls even more tension filled on the way back to the bonfire.
What's a bonfire? Why let me tell you! Bonfires function as the game's checkpoints. As you progress through the game you will light various bonfires and if, or when, you die, you respawn at the last bonfire you rested at. Your healing items, called Estus Flasks, are refilled when you rest at a bonfire, but there is one thing to keep in mind. Every time you rest at a bonfire, every enemy (with a very few exceptions) will respawn and again challenge your path. This creates an interesting situation. Less skilled players will find that they have to rest at bonfires often to replenish their healing supplies, but having to find new, more efficient ways of getting through areas because of the constant threat, whereas a more experienced player can clear out an area, and so long as they're not too afraid of dying and losing all their souls, can defeat almost every enemy in the game and run around with impunity!
So, for intricate yet accessible item systems, the exciting and tension filled experience system, and the different ways of engaging players of different skill levels, I give the gameplay a 5/5.

Obviously this is a very biased review as it is by far my favorite game, I really think it is amazingly done. I realize that it is definitely not for everyone, as it requires patience and a willingness to explore to really get the most out of the game. But I think that everyone should give it a try at least once, or at least look up the fantastic lore videos on youtube. There's ones by EpicNameBro and VaatiVidya if you need a good place to start. So, good night and good grief everyone!

Greetings to the groupies

Hello again dearest internet, it's been a while. It seems that the only time I actually write on here is when there's something bothering me, which is fine, cuz that's kind of what this was for in the first place, but at the same time I feel that this gives a rather incomplete picture of me. Cuz I'm ordinarily a rather positive person. I almost never complain about anything, and I'm emotionally stable. Although you probably already knew that didn't you?
Anyways, there's many things on my mind right now. Missing friends, missing friendships, worrying for friends, worrying about jobs, life, career, if I really do have any idea what I'm doing. You know, the usual. There's nothing wrong really. I guess I could complain that I still don't have a job while I thought I'd have one by last Monday. I could complain that no one came to games night. I could complain about a lot. Well, actually I can only think of two other things, but I'm sure I could come up with more if I applied myself. So, despite my very rough outline of what I was planning on writing tonight (you know how I love plans) I'm going to write about something else. Maybe a little about Relient K. Now, I think I've already posted the song on an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check at the moment, so I'm just going to say it's from their new album and it's called Don't Blink. Look it up on youtube if you're so inclined. I'm going to write the lyrics and then decide what I think about each of them! Good idea Ryan!

Don’t know where to go from here
My thoughts are tangled twisted fears
Been waiting a while now on the dawn
Seems like the sun may never come

I made my way through the darkest night
To the break of day on the other side
For some time the light’s been creeping in
Now I’m feeling like I could trust again

You’re the only person who reminds me
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Oh, you’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making plans and drawing maps
I plan to take the righteous path
And hope and pray it leads me back
To all the happiness I had

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn't love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me
You’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
Oh oh oh oh
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn’t love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me

So I copy pasted it from a website. Sue me. Also, they mixed up the order, so I fixed it. I'm no sheep! Anyways, I'm just gonna go through this systematically and we'll see what happens shall we? (I hate words with double letters by the way)
Well, the very start kind of sums up what's going on right now. At this exact moment. At this particular point in history. I don't know where my thoughts are going or where I'm going to end up. Oh boy. Like I said, there's nothing particularly wrong, but there hasn't really been for a long time. Just waiting for the sun to come again.
This next part reminds me of my baptism. Out of the darkest night and into the light. But for me, the light has really been creeping. Or maybe I've been hiding from it in my room. I do spend a lot of time in here. But I go out and do stuff! I just held a games night! I started my own bible study! Blech. I don't know that I'm ready to trust again. I just keep getting burned. And by burned I mean, like, the house burned down kind of burned.
You're the only person who reminds me... That used to be Grace. Then it was Rayne. But Grace is gone, doing her thing, and Rayne is off with her wonderful new boyfriend. Blech. Why can I only see the beauty of life sometimes? Every day it's a toss up of whether I'll be able to be happy or not. Sometimes, for no reason as far as I can tell, I just can't be happy. I honestly do try, cuz frankly I'm tired of being unhappy, but trying just isn't doing it. I don't get me. I just laughed because I misspelled something and thought it was funny. Am I happy or not? Huh. Love is beautiful and true. I disagree. Only true love is, and I have yet to see that. Eh, maybe I'm just a disgruntled old man. And, as I said before, maybe tomorrow I'll be back to the fun loving old me and I'll believe again. I just feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes. And I'm not a fan of water.
Don't you blink or it's gone. This seems to be a musical go to almost. Which is why I'm kind of surprised to hear it in a Relient K song. They've always impressed me with their incredibly witty and fun lyrics. Not that it's bad, I just wasn't expecting a well used musical trope. Whatever. It's true though. It's about really living in the moment and not letting yourself get distracted from what's happening right now. And from experience I also read in it that you have to stay totally engaged in the moment. If you let yourself slip, if you don't do your best, it's gone. Sometimes there are no second chances. Moving on. I've been terrified of life for way too long. Hmm... There's just something about that line that resonates with me. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of failing at the important things. I can do well on trivial things. A test, a coffee, a game. But on the really important things I seem to consistently fall flat on my face. Friendships, romance, love, God... I keep building up the courage to give it another go, and then ruin it. I feel like it's always my fault. I am terrified.
Mmm... Cheery. Alrighty! Plans and Maps! Woot! I love plans! And maps! Did I ever tell you that I used to do cartography as a hobby? I absolutely loved drawing detailed maps and measuring the distances and angles to the nearest millimeter. Sigh... Good times. I still am designing board games. A little bit of a slow season at the moment, but that always happens. Josh and I were working on a Pokemon board game, and Kyle and I are going to be working on a Mall builder/Sims kind of board game over the summer. I think Grace would be really excited with some of our ideas! Anyways, that's enough fun. Back to the serious business of song lyrics ruminating and evaluating. I haven't really been working all that hard at the righteous path for a while. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like it never helped anything, and was a bit of a bother. Well aren't I just the model Christian! Eh? Eh? I'm going to save this for tonight, cuz I want to move on. I'll just say that I miss the passion I had about God, and I have no idea how to get it back. Which, oddly enough, leads me directly to the end of this verse. I miss being really happy. I had that as a kid, with Carsyn, with Grace. Now I'm just wandering. Pathetic.
Just let me say, that this bridge doesn't sound nearly as impressive and utterly heart moving when it's just at normal volume. No, this bridge (and whole song if you're into that) is meant to be played at full volume. Crank the computer, crank the music player, crank the stereo. Mmm. Delicious. Here's the thing though. I don't always live in the past. I usually don't. But sometimes I just hurt. It reminds me of a song by Nevertheless. "They say time is a healer, it's more like a concealer for a scar." I have to say I agree with this. Now that doesn't make me a pessimist or a cynic, it's just that, from my experience, this is totally true. Maybe it's just the case that I let the scab get ripped off before it's actually healed, but I still hurt from every single time I was told that I wasn't worth it, through words or actions. Or the even more fun one where I heard the words "I don't love you anymore." I hope with all my heart that you never hear those words. There is nothing I have ever heard that have crushed me as much as those words. Which, now that I think of it, may be the reason that I'm so scared to go after God. What if he, like so many important people in my life, also says that? It's that stupid battle between the head and the heart. What I know holds no sway over what I feel. I hope that's normal. I'd hate to be the only one who feels this helpless about emotions.
Then it's chorus, alternate chorus, prechorus, bridge, end. In the morning, I'm going to listen to that silly song at full volume. I can't right now cuz it's past midnight.

So... That was fun wasn't it? I wonder, am I living a facade and only really unearth anything when I'm here on my blog, safe from the eyes of the world, or is it here, where I dredge up any potential crap and bring it to fruition? Am I a happy go lucky fun bucket, or a despondent, cynical, and dry man? Or maybe I'm a little of both, and I'm just waiting for someone to crack me. Or maybe... I'm... Batman?