The Fight

There is a song that has been really inspiring me lately, though it is just the song written for the League of Legends world series. Not the song I'd have expected to really speak to me, but there you go. I've been thinking a lot about having a warrior's heart. Pressing on against any opposition. Of becoming unstoppable. This song reminds me of a part of the man I want to become, and the man that I slowly am becoming. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB8TyLTD7EE

I are excite for games.

So, I have this friend named Craig, and we ended up becoming friends when we both discovered that we were both independently designing board games with the exact same theme of being Mech pilots. We ended up building some prototypes and testing them out on each other, and have gotten together every once in a while to play games and toss around ideas. Recently though, he's told me about this really cool fantasy setting that he's been developing for the past few years, and we've started brainstorming some ideas for how we could use some of the concepts to create an awesome board game!

The main idea of his setting is that there is this magical dark moon that hangs stationary above one area of the planet. This moon warps everything around it and gives off some sort of magical power that people are able to harness, but it is incredibly volatile and dangerous. And with the moon warping everything near it, the wildlife and even landscape becomes extremely dangerous. So, most of the human population lives outside of the influence of the moon, in the charted lands, but there are some people, either brave or foolhardy, who live in small villages in what is known as the half-moon frontier. Those people will be the main focus of our game. There's a lot more to the lore that is incredibly cool, but it's not super important for gameplay at the moment.

Lies! I forgot that one of the things that the moon sometimes imparts on people is the ability to shape plant life to suit their needs. These growers can use their energy to almost instantly grow a seed into the exact tool they need for any given task. These tools can then later be planted to grow more, which are then traded off to the people in the charted lands. It's only the power of the moon that allows for the sudden growth and shaping. Craig has a few pictures of the kind of aesthetic he wants to go with, and it's lots of intricate wooden buildings, and swords made from hardened leaves. It's super cool!

Anyways, so with the advent of the new Keyforge game, I wanted to do something with it's cool idea. If you haven't already heard, Keyforge is a "unique" card game, which means that every single deck that is sold is completely unique. All the decks are drawn from a set of a few hundred cards, but no two decks have the same combination of cards, and has a unique card back. There is no deck building, you are not allowed to change any of the cards, you just get what you get and play!

So, I love that "unique" idea and was thinking that we could use that for the game in the case of adding packs that would send you on adventures. What I mean by that is... You would start with a starter deck of cards that everyone would have access to, which would represent your village and initial characters in the village that would be able to go on a few simple adventures. But the really exciting bit comes when you introduce packs. Each pack that could be purchased would contain a completely unique adventure, with unique locations to visit, warped monsters to defeat or capture, forgotten treasures and magic seeds, and even objectives drawn from a large list of possibilities.

So you might go out trying to hunt down a monster that was attacking villagers, you may need to make contact with another village, escort an elder to a newly uncovered ruin, search for a lost child, defend your village from waves of enemies, all sorts of things! The top card of each pack would always be a map card, so you would end up exploring during your adventures, never knowing exactly what you might find. I'm not sure exactly how the encounters will work yet, but I want it to be the case that there will always be a few ways to approach things, whether it be in coming across some warped bear and just attacking and killing it, or trying to capture it and eventually tame it, sneak past it, run away, all that good stuff! And with there being a map to explore, it usually won't be the case that you only have one way to go. If you absolutely can't get past that bear, maybe you'll have to see if you can talk your way past a rival group of adventurers by going around.

What I'm working on now is trying to figure out how to make an encounter system that allows for all those different possibilities. I've been studying some other games, particularly the Dark Souls card game and Tainted Grail, which is a new kickstarter game that involves exploring map cards and dealing with encounters through combat or diplomacy. I'm just so excited by the idea of getting basically a new game every time you buy a pack of cards! And by going on these adventures you'll be able to add new cards to your village by finding new blueprints for creating new tools, by capturing monsters that will be warped in unique ways that only you will experience, and by powering up your characters by warping their very essence as they approach the dark moon. I'm so excited!

There's lots more to tell, but I think that's enough for now! It's getting late!

Backpacking through life

It's a new year. Yep. I was hoping that the new year would be full of new opportunities, but so far everything has been rather crappy. And considering it's only the first day, that's really not a good thing! But here's the thing, I had a crappy day and ended up calling my good friend Carl, who I haven't had a chance to talk with for a while. Almost over Christmas, but it didn't work out. And I just got to tell him everything that was going on and everything that was frustrating me and it was really really good. I never really talk about myself to people, which is a little odd. But it was good. It was good to process a bit and just be frustrated and angry and tired. I'm too private, and I think that partly has to do with how I always pick the most troubled people as my closest friends. So I can focus on them and help them, but I don't feel I can put any of my problems or frustrations on them. Which probably isn't true, but that's the way I work. But Carl reminded me of something that I forgot, and something I need to do more thinking on. He reminded me that I can always see the good in people and in situations. And that is really important for me to remember because it's true. I often feel like I'm cynical, and to a point I am, but that's really only when it comes to general things. But when it comes to the specifics, to the people I see day to day, I really look for the good. And that gets me into trouble sometimes because I avoid seeing the bad that's going on. That gets me hurt sometimes. I really need to keep looking for the good though, because I'm struggling right now. I can see the good in others but I just can't in myself and my situation. I feel like a failure, like I just can't make it. I feel so tired. I thought to myself this morning, "could someone stop the world please? I'd like to get off". But there is good. I have some places where I'm learning. I have a job. I have friends here that, even if we're not as close as I used to be, care about me and I care for. I miss Rayne though. So much. God give me strength and endurance as I try desperately to run this race. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Happy New Years everyone. Good night.

Life's like that

Just a quick update on my life right now, nothing too exciting. I guess this would be the stereotypical journal entry. Good good. I'm currently housesitting for my old professor Lee, who is in New York for the summer. I'm also watching her ferret Magnus Robot Fighter. He's cool and all, but he wakes me up at 4:45 each morning by biting my feet. I need to figure out how to stop that... I'm currently jobless aside from the infrequent painting stuff my friend Kyle gives me. Still not too much. I'm thinking of asking out Mindy, and I realized that I've never really asked someone on a date before. I've always kind of gone right to relationship, so this'll be interesting! And finally, I've made a friend named Kayleigh, who is awesome and a staunch atheist. This has led to some good conversations that I've thoroughly enjoyed, and I hope it will continue into many more! Also it's good for me to have someone picking at my beliefs so I make sure I actually know what I'm talking about! Rayne did that for me way back when, and still does to an extent, but I've been missing that person you know? Reach at church is officially over, so I'm no longer a young adult leader, which has been kind of weird to be honest. I just went to a bible study tonight and I didn't need to prepare or have an answer for every question or anything. It was kind of nice! But I'm afraid it might get me lazy... We shall see! Till then, good night, or whatever time it is, and I'll see you on the flip side!

The proverbial bell

It's been a while. Obviously. It's annoying to say that, but oddly necessary for my mental well being. Speaking of, I'm doing pretty well. Got to do a staged reading of my friend Garrett's play. Starting a new Pathfinder group in the world of Maelstrom that I created in high school. Still doing games nights and speaking at church. Getting pretty lonely though. Eh. It sucks, but I have great friends, so I feel kinda guilty for feeling like that. Not much I can do though. One thing I do need to do is get in contact with some peeps again. Berge, Becky, Carl, Annette, and Adrian in particular. That'll at least keep me busy. Man, these would be so boring for anyone to read! Except me, which is who this is for really, so no biggie I guess! And maybe some day I'll find someone who finds these interesting and we'll get happily married. Sigh... The angst.

Is this the last hurrah?

Good day good sir, madam, or whomever ye may be. Apparently I'm in a strange mood... As always, it's been a wonderful Christmas season again, although I didn't get to see all of the cousins.. Next time Sean! Also Rob. Didn't see him. But I'm sure you don't care much about that now do you? No, you're here to hear my witty and intelligent thoughts on society, religion, life, and so on. Right?

The more I learn the more I find that I don't know enough. Every time I discover some interesting tidbit, I find that there's a new challenge that I'm not even close to being ready to face. What do I mean? Well, in case you didn't know, I've been heavily involved with things at my church, UDAC. I've actually been doing sermons, which I promise to post soon, for the young adults at least once a month. On top of that I also run games nights, a walking with God study, and GM for a pathfinder group. This coming semester I want to also start a men's ministry focusing on mentorship, as well as starting anew my apologetics bible study hybrid. Getting off topic, but I'll talk about those later. Because of my involvement, I've been more aware of other people's ideas and have been working to engage more with them, especially at school. This has been, to say the least, quite the challenge. There's been questions on the Trinity, on Jesus' divinity, on the nephalim, evolution, all sorts of stuff that I used to know, but have forgotten so much of. It feels like every step I take forward, my mind slips back two.. And with the sermons, every time I speak I learn something new. That's a good thing, but I feel like I can never get every important thing out in the one sermon. Like every tidbit needs to be explored and understood. That's really frustrating! As I don't have the time to either speak about it, or to study everything to my satisfaction. I guess that's just the curious/teacher side of me and my insatiable thirst for knowledge. I really wish it actually worked to improve your memory. Cuz I've tried. Man have I tried... Yeah, there's some stories there. Some pain. Though I guess there's some pain if you go anywhere. If that's what you look for. Maybe that's my trouble.

I'm gonna be honest with you. This semester has been just bad... There isn't the right word. Horrible? Terrible? Disastrous? Bad is the most general, yet negative word I can think of at the moment. Rough. It's been rough. I had two friends walk away from the church, a friend attempt suicide, a friend decide she didn't want to talk to me anymore.. I felt abandoned at church, I felt inadequate to speak, to get a job, to do well in school. At church my four closest friends all left for different reasons. I guess one didn't leave, but things just haven't been the same for some unfathomable reason. I just felt so crushed. Always tired. I spent so many days wondering if it would matter if I were here. Not in a suicidal way mind you, I just felt defeated. Unworthy. Useless. Abandoned. I find it amazing that I can say now that I'm stronger for it. It's been tough, and I'm still not past everything, but I do feel stronger. I had a good friend of mine as for advice, and I was actually able to help him out. That's something I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know... I guess I just feel like myself again to a point. But I almost fell back into what I was before. Before I knew God. That emptiness. I'm so grateful that He decided to still talk with me! To teach me the things I needed to hear in my own sermons. To send those unexpected people to remind you that you're not nothing. That really is the fight that I have over and over. The struggle against nothingness. I'm scared that I'll never kick it. That I'll always be haunted by it. That I'll always be afraid. But that's what's driving me on to try and get back to God over and over! That's why I'm genuinely wanting to get involved. To make a difference. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I honestly don't have the words to express how hard this semester has been. I can't tell you how hard it is to fight against the weariness. Please pray.

But, (ah that ever interesting word) I have my plans for the coming year. Let me tell you about them and why I want to do them! I'll go over them in the same order that I wrote them up above.

Sermons! I'm still going to be doing them, and I think it quite obvious why this is important. Without learning, without that growth, I don't actually think it possible to be a Christian. And let me tell you, teaching teacher more than being taught! I think that every person should teach something, which is one thing that I want to get into in my apologetics hybrid, but we'll get to that. Anyways, I absolutely love speaking, and most people say they enjoy them and get something from them, so I guess I'm doing a decent job. Always room for improvement though! I'll be getting Pastor Scott to help me out with that!

Games night! Not one you'd normally think of as being important to the Christian walk which, if you haven't noticed, is something I've been especially focused on, and will continue to be. I keep learning that God has good things to say on almost literally everything, so I've been looking for opportunities to put what I learn into practice! Games night, right. This is to promote the combining of the different age groups. So many churches that I have been to have such distinct lines between the kids, the youth, the young adults, the 'regular' adults (still haven't thought of a good title for that), and the seniors. The church is supposed to be a family. More than that, a single organism, one body. How can we be that if we keep splitting off? At games night I ask everyone to attend (and to bring any friends, so we've had a few non-Christians come, which is exciting) and we've had some success with that. Had a couple seniors, two adults, a ton of young adults, and six kids/youth (have I mentioned I'm terrible at guessing ages?) come, and I'm hoping it'll keep expanding this next semester. Lord knows I can support a ton with my giant collection of games!

Walking With God Study! This is something Rayne and I have been doing together. We just started the week before finals, so I'm not worried that it was just us for the first two weeks! But anyways, Rayne is dyslexic, and finds it hard to connect with God through reading the Bible all the time. I can relate, and so can a bunch of other people! Which is why we started this. It's learning different ways to get to know God, specifically focusing on His creation! So we'll be doing things such as nature walks and... I honestly have no idea. It'll be an adventure that's for sure! This is a brand new way of thinking for me, and I'm excited to see where it leads!

GMing a Pathfinder Game! Again, not something you'd think would be important to a Christian life. This one is a little more personal. I have a friend who comes who isn't a Christian, and he loves to talk about religion, and to be honest is more informed on a lot than me. Before we start we always end up talking for a half hour or so, and quite often have really good talks about Christianity. He's great source for challenges, and I hope that I and the others in the group can challenge him. The group also has a few of my friends that have a hard time fitting into the 'normal' crowd, so I'm really glad that I am able to create a place for them to be comfortable and have fun in!

Men's Ministry! Again, I've noticed at a lot of churches the extent of the men's ministry is to have a breakfast once a month. That's it. I feel that that is a huge wasted opportunity and I'm planning on finding some like minded men to fix that! I already have at least one on board. Basically this is both because I want to build that interconnectedness that we're supposed to have as Christians, but there's also a very personal reason I want to have a mentor around. Over the summer, and with talking to Luke, I've found that pornography is a huge problem for, unfortunately, the vast majority of young adult men. I always kind of knew that, but it never really clicked until this semester. So the first thing that I want to address is porn. How to fight it, how to help others, and what it really does to us. I've learned so much from my sermons on the incredible importance and value of both sex and marriage, and porn is so destructive of that. I know because I struggle with it daily. I know that I need backup because I fail so hard and so often, and I want to make an opportunity for others like me to learn from people who understand and have gone through it. I know that porn is also an issue for girls (surprise!), but I'm not sure I'm ready to do things with that yet. Although it's just as destructive... So yeah! Fight against porn and connect through the ages. Alright!

Finally is the Apologetics Bible Study Hybrid! This is basically just restarting the study that I did last year. Over the summer Justine took it over and it moved away from the apologetics and more towards the Bible study. That's definitely good, but it's not what I feel I'm called to. So I want to start again with the study the way that I did it. Although I know that there are a few other guys that want to get in on it, as well as a good friend from another church! So I'm hoping what will happen is that we can combine to have a place for both our churches to come to get equipped against all the modern challenges! Lord knows I need the practice... I also want to run it differently in that I don't want to be doing all of the leading. I've learned that a good way to split is having a leader to keep the study on track and bring the material, someone to engage the group and make sure everyone is included and heard (I can't remember the name of this job), and the host, who prepares the study area. I was doing all of those things when I was leading, and it was really too much. So I think I'll try to do it more in this split way this time. Oh! And apologetics is important because people are lazy. We Christians in North America just don't think much! We don't learn the most basic of things, and then get wholly disillusioned when someone comes in with the most stupid of challenge, and we don't have an answer. I get so frustrated with our laziness (and yes, I'm in there too), and I want this study to be where we can go to actually learn the things that we should know. A place where any sincere question is a good question. I want to equip people to face the challenges. Because honestly, there are really not that many hard ones. We've just become fat. Oh man, I have a lot more to say on that, but I think I'm done for tonight!

I hope that you've had a fantastic Christmas season, and I hope that God blesses you in the coming year! See you on the other side.

Doom Bots are attacking my mind

Well, today is the day we head off to the young adults retreat at Crowsnest Pass. I am looking forward to it as it is always a good time, but I'm also apprehensive. You see, I'm talking about our identity as people of great worth. As you may know, this has been one of my greatest struggles throughout my life, and it's been rather tough working through the sermon. And I'm also nervous to share it with everyone. And I realized that this is because I don't have any good friends at REACH anymore. Josh can't come because of stupid rumors, Tony isn't coming because he doesn't feel like he fits in at UDAC anymore, Rayne has a baby and Dramanutz, and I still don't know what's going on with Chelsea. Rather than being refreshing, REACH has become quite draining to me. So much so that I've actually avoided going a few times recently without knowing why. I've started doing the very thing that drives me the most crazy about people who say they're Christians.. How can you be a Christian and not go to church when God demands it? As pastor Scott likes to say, "there is no plan B." As Christians we must go to church. I've actually had a few friends tell me that they've decided not to go to church anymore but still consider themselves Christian, and I am planing on writing a whole post on that, but now I also have to do it for me... Well, at least at the retreat I get to see my old college buddy Forrest Saturday evening. That'll be good!

A New Dawn

It's finally the end of the summer and just about time to start school again. Only two more days! Well, one, it is Tuesday right now I guess. I'm really excited to see what God has in store for this coming year. I know that things are going to be really challenging because I'm putting myself out in new ways. I want to live for God rather than just say I do. This summer has been an extremely long and painful time (every year I like summer less and less), but I have learned a lot. I've learned to love for real. I've learned the importance of community. I've learned the importance of friendship. I've learned a Ton about God. And I've changed my perspective a bit. I'm not so worried about people not liking what I have to say anymore. We're supposed to be counterculteral as Christians, so I've decided to not worry so much that people won't agree with what I say. I know I won't always be right, but I've learned a lot and God has made me a teacher. If I don't use that I'm simply wasting an amazing opportunity He's given me. So yeah, I'll probably say things to you that'll challenge you, make you uncomfortable, maybe even mad. But try to take it to heart. And it's okay to not like what I say, because now, for me, it's not about you. It's about God. I only worry about what He's got to say!

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

A Gamer's Mind

Well, in an effort to cheer myself up, and considering that I already slept for about six hours today and so shant be getting much sleep, I've decided to talk about games.
Now, you may not know this, but I love games. A ton. And I happen to consider myself to be pretty darn knowledgeable about them! And I've talked about various games with various people this week, some good (see Dominion and Batman: Arkham City), some bad (see Monopoly and WoW), and some just plain weird. And one I'm building.
So first I think I'm going to talk a little about the game I'm building, and then I'm going to talk about my favorite game of all time! It'll be fun! You'll see.

So, the game that I'm working on is a kind of remake of the Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow games in board game format. I've drawn out the map of Kanto and reduced the fifty odd routes into 15. I've also selected fifty of the original 150 pokemon to be featured in the game. I've limited the types to fire, water, grass, flying, normal, electric, psychic, and ground. So I've cut out things like ice, steel, and dark. Each pokemon only has two moves instead of the normal four, and you can't teach them new moves, so that will encourage experimenting with different pokemon, rather than always going after the same ones.
I'm also thinking of adding a sort of special ability to each pokemon that will affect the goings on outside of battle. For example, the water pokemon will have surf, which allows for movement over water, or double speed movement if you have a raft. I haven't figured out what all of the abilities will be or do yet though, so stay tuned!
Movement is going to be pretty simple, you can move one space along a route, or two if you manage to get your hands on a bike. Every time you stop on a space you draw the top encounter card from the route deck (which will be color and symbol coordinated) and either fight a trainer, a wild pokemon, find an item, or have some random event occur.
Battles are going to be quick and exciting (hopefully). Each move has the amount of damage it does, any other effects it may have, and a set of numbers, one of which needs to be rolled in order to hit. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about turn order though... I don't want it to be too complicated, but I don't want it to be so simple that it'll drastically unbalance certain pokemon. Anyways, the pokemon type resistances and weaknesses are still going to apply. Also, the first move of each pokemon I'm trying to have as a mainly damaging move, with the second being a more utility style move, such as healing or delivering status effects.
Well, that's a pretty decent overview of the game I think! I still need to finish deciding on the power and hp of all the pokemon, and to build the different route decks. But once that's done, I'll finally have another completed board game for my repertoire! Although it'll need lots of testing for balance...

For the second portion of this I kind of want to do a mock review. Mostly because I know how insanely biased I am about the awesomeness of this game, and so the almost perfect score I give it is more subjective than actually representative of the game. But I'm going to justify them, so maybe you'll join me in my way of thinking! Also, I'm listening to the soundtrack of the game right now. Be jealous.

Dark Souls. A spiritual successor of Demon's Souls made by From Software (yes I realize that is a ridiculous and potentially confusing name). The catch phrase of the game is "prepare to die" and it is not kidding! Known as the incredibly unhelpful genre of action RPG, this game is unlike any other you'll play. The unforgiving difficulty of the series is probably it's most defining characteristic, along with amazing design. But we'll get into that in more detail... right now!

Design - For me, the most noteworthy thing about this game is the detailed and lovingly crafted world. I'll get into the story in a bit, so for now let's talk about the things you'll be coming across in the game. First up is enemies. You'll be fighting everything from undead humans and dogs in the beginning of the game to dragons, drakes, hydras, stone knights, giant boars, ghosts, lizard men, mimics (if you don't know what these are, then you're in for a great surprise!), crystal golems, and giant cats by the end of the game! The enemies are incredibly varied and each provides it's own unique challenge.
The level design is also fantastic, with locals such as a half submerged city, the insides of an ancient tree, a murky swamp deep underground, an vast lava filled plain, a gloomy graveyard of giants, a bright and beautiful city at sunset, and an old and crumbling castle filled with traps. Each of the levels is masterfully designed, with denizens that just seem to fit perfectly into their surroundings and tons of places to explore and conquer. At first you may be confused about where you need to go, but there are subtle clues that can alert you to the correct path and any traps that may be hiding around the corner.
The thing that I am most impressed by is, even with the huge variety of locations, it all feels like one cohesive world. Every place has it's own definite story and reason for being, and with some very clever design, you can get from one place to another in a number of different ways, which (for me anyways) makes even something as simple as traveling around the map a joy to do. There are also many places that you can see from other places. You can look down from the Tomb of the Giants to see the base of the sea. You can spot the spires of Anor Londo from all the way back in Undead Burg. It's just wonderful! Also, the map is open world, meaning that while there is an intended route, you are under no obligation to go that way. You can head towards some of the very last bosses right from the start, and can even skip some bosses altogether. You just have to be willing to die a few times till you figure out what you're doing!
And finally the boss designs. The bosses of a game are one of the defining designs. A game that's fun, but has forgettable boss battles may be good, but not great. But a game that's just okay, but with awesome and really fun boss battles can really ride on that! First in Dark Souls is, again, the variety. You'll fight a great wolf with a giant sword trying to protect the grave of his master, a pair of almost knights but for one's insatiable appetite for the bones of his enemies, a scaleless dragon driven mad by the allure of immortality, a giant of flame crying tears of lava for his departed sister, a dragon deep underground warped and deformed by his hunger. Each boss has an interesting story to them, which we'll get into later, and is unique in it's battlefield, weaknesses, and tactics. You'll fight in an endless hallway, a vast underground chamber while dodging magic bolts, and on the very top of a castle being pelted by firebombs.
So, with the beautifully crafted and varied enemies, locations, traps, bosses, and shortcuts, I give design a definite 5/5.

Story - Now, I don't usually care too much about the story in a video game. I'm usually one to say that if I wanted a story I'd watch a movie or read a book, but Dark Souls presents it's story in a way that is utterly unique to a video game. Most video games go one of two routes, either having all the exposition and lore written in books and in dialogue trees (I'm looking at you Skyrim!), or having the story revealed to you through cutscenes (I'm looking at you MGS4!). So, effectively, choosing between reading a book or watching a movie. (or from my previous examples, about fifty books and eight movies) However, Dark Souls does something that I've never seen before and takes a completely different approach. The only cutscenes are at the very beginning of the game (about two minutes) and a ten second intro scene before each of the bosses. And there isn't a single sign or book to be found throughout the game world (aside from a little text popup that tells you when you've entered a new area). All of the story of the game is found by exploring and wondering. There's only about a dozen NPCs in the game, and each of them has their own specific purpose, such as selling you magic spells or armor, and each of them has just one little option in their interaction menu: Talk. Select this and you get a tiny glimpse into the vast world of events happening around you. You don't get a wall of text or an hour of speech, you just get a few sentences about the character and what he might think of the place he's in, or the other people you've found. The rest of the story is found from item descriptions and placement, as well as paying attention to the things happening around you. Each item has a short description of what it is and what it does, and two or three sentences about the lore of the game. So you might learn from a particular hat that there was a college of magic that was drawn into a war. You may learn from a ragged set of boots that a powerful pyromancer's curse is what caused the decay in the undercity of Blighttown. Or you might even discover from a sword that an an ancient group of knights were brought to make a terrible decision to stop the spreading of a great evil. The most heartbreaking thing I discovered was finding a boss just standing and watching, without lifting a finger against me, that is until I picked up an old dress lying around. It turns out that the boss, burning from the pyromancy that had gone wrong and keeping the lava flowing with his molten tears, had been watching over the grave of his long dead sister as his last homage to her before he lost his mind. Yeah. Ouch.
The way that Dark Souls presents itself makes it easy to miss the incredible story, which is a shame, but it allows for you to explore as deeply as you want, and gain an experience unlike any I've ever had. From Soft had the fantastic idea of letting you discover the story by actually playing the game, and they delivered brilliantly.
For the deep, rich, and inventively presented story, I give the story in Dark Souls a 5/5.

Gameplay - Now we come to the big one. A game may be as beautiful and varied as you like, but if it isn't fun and interesting, it sucks. This also holds a dear place in my heart as I love studying game mechanics. The choices and design of the mechanics are more interesting to me than any backdrop!
Where to start... Well, in the game you will find literally hundreds of weapons, armors, and items to help you on your quest. Again Dark Souls allows for you to go as deep as you like even when it comes to armor and weapon sets. You can just pick the armor with the best defense and weapon with the highest attack power and head on your merry way! However, if you feel so inclined, you may want to dive into the specifics. Each enemy you'll encounter has weaknesses and resistances to things like fire, slash, or piercing attacks, and each of your armors has stats to defend against those as well. There is also poise values, which determine how hard a hit you can take without being stunned, and weight, to determine if you roll like a ninja or like a sack of hammers. Armors can also give you special stat bonuses such as increasing your stamina regeneration or boosting the power of your magic attacks. Each weapon has it's own special move set, and while some are recycled among other weapons of the same type, no two weapons handle in exactly the same way. So along with the amount and type of damage that each weapon can do, you can also take into account how fast it swings, if you can swing it in a hallway, if you can attack while hiding behind a shield, and if it goes well with your slick new boots. Each weapon also has a stat requirement and most have a stat adjustment, so you need to have the right amount in specific stats, and you can get bonuses if your stat is higher than needed. And lastly, you can have a shield (or a weapon, but it doesn't really help) in your off hand that again can give you bonuses and resistances. You are also able to parry an incoming attack with a shield, which allows for a devastating counterattack! Warning! Not all enemies and/or attacks can be countered! Shields also have different handling abilities, such as longer windows for you be able to parry, or being able to shield bash to knock an enemy off balance. Let me reiterate again, you don't have to get into this if you don't want to!
Another key part of the gameplay is the leveling system. This is another cool thing about Dark Souls, in that it is possible to compete the entire game without leveling a single time. Levels, as in a typical RPG, increase your damage, health, amount you can carry, the power of your spells, number of spells you can have at a time, and other such things. While the rewards for leveling up aren't particularly inspired, the experience (XP) system is a little more interesting. You receive "souls" for every enemy you defeat, and these souls are used both as currency and as XP. So you can use them either to get better equipment, or to improve your base stats. Another interesting way that From has used difficulty in the game is by making it that any time you die, you drop all of the souls that you were currently carrying and you have only one attempt to retrieve them before they are lost to you forever. A little frustrating at times, but it makes the thrill of defeating a boss and getting a ton of souls even more tension filled on the way back to the bonfire.
What's a bonfire? Why let me tell you! Bonfires function as the game's checkpoints. As you progress through the game you will light various bonfires and if, or when, you die, you respawn at the last bonfire you rested at. Your healing items, called Estus Flasks, are refilled when you rest at a bonfire, but there is one thing to keep in mind. Every time you rest at a bonfire, every enemy (with a very few exceptions) will respawn and again challenge your path. This creates an interesting situation. Less skilled players will find that they have to rest at bonfires often to replenish their healing supplies, but having to find new, more efficient ways of getting through areas because of the constant threat, whereas a more experienced player can clear out an area, and so long as they're not too afraid of dying and losing all their souls, can defeat almost every enemy in the game and run around with impunity!
So, for intricate yet accessible item systems, the exciting and tension filled experience system, and the different ways of engaging players of different skill levels, I give the gameplay a 5/5.

Obviously this is a very biased review as it is by far my favorite game, I really think it is amazingly done. I realize that it is definitely not for everyone, as it requires patience and a willingness to explore to really get the most out of the game. But I think that everyone should give it a try at least once, or at least look up the fantastic lore videos on youtube. There's ones by EpicNameBro and VaatiVidya if you need a good place to start. So, good night and good grief everyone!

A new song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io0yQfX10-s
Oh man. It makes my toes tingle. It excites me deep inside. This is my life right now. Also, it's my favorite band...

simply being loved

Ah life. I still swear in my head a lot... I should really be working on Astronomy. Or drama. Or memorizing. Or writing up QR codes.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess  my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.

Lent

Well, for Lent I've made a very late decision to give up Youtube and Twitch until Easter. This means that I now have two of my biggest time sucks gone, so I should be getting a lot more useful things done! It also gives me a chance to write on here a lot more, which is something I really want to do. I'm still not a fan of writing, but I feel like this is good for me or something. I don't really have anything to say today. Mom and dad sent me money for rent and to pay my credit card, so that's awesome. I've started reading my Bible in the mornings instead of at random times, so we'll see how that goes. I've also started doing a little exercise every morning. The thing is that I haven't done that in so long that I pushed myself too hard and kind of hurt myself, so I'll pull it right back until I'm back to super strength. Sounds like a plan! Also, I've been walking to school, which has been nice. It's got me listening to music again, which I like. That's about it! Bye!

Hello to the USA

I was just checking my stats and it turns out that almost every viewer I've had has been from the US, along with one lonely guy from china... This is kind of awesome because it means I have random people reading my blog, which is cool, but it also means that absolutely none of my friends are/have read it. Which is substantially less cool. So let's see what's changed in the past few days shall we?
Still suck for sleeping. I know I should probably be lying in bed right now trying to sleep, but it hasn't worked yet, so I've pretty much given up on getting any sleep before five. I'm just tired. You know it.
Rayne and I are doing announcements at church tomorrow, which is cool. We just go early to find out what the announcements are, and then improvise a short scene telling the church about it. It's pretty fun. I've been connecting better with Rayne the last few days as well, which is fantastic! Although she still doesn't touch anymore, which is really grating on my nerves...
I've decided to create my own Love List out of one of the many spares that Rayne made for the show, so we shall see how that goes. I know what about half of them will be, but the rest I have no clue. Should be good.
I didn't end up having people over for games tonight, which is fine. I ended up hanging out with Rayne for most of the day, and then Josh came home and Derek came over and we got groceries and watched Hugo. It was really artsy. I didn't really like it. Hee hee. Our oven handle broke, so Rayne tried using some industrial glue she had, and we ended up spending two hours holding the handle in place because we didn't have a clamp. It also turns out that Rayne didn't read the part where it says on the glue bottle that it doesn't work for plastics or metal, which is what the handle and oven are made of, respectively. It was fine though. I got to hang out with my best friend for the longest time in a long time, so I don't mind at all.
I've got one assignment due on Monday for History and Development, and I've only completed a third of it, so I'm not looking forward to doing that all day tomorrow, and I need to write a critique on an article I can barely understand for Sociology on Tuesday, so that'll be a barrel full of fun...
It's that whole problem of the 'but' if you know what I mean. If you don't, I mean that there is always some sort of exception to a positive statement. So I can say that I'm enjoying life right now, but I just feel so tired and lonely right now. I don't feel loved. I know I'm loved, I know that a hundred percent, but I don't feel it. That's what I hate. Eh. Life just sucks and I'm gonna have to get used to it I guess! Good night yall!

Another sleepless night with Ryan

Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!