Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

ow

Today I learned that emotional pain can manifest itself in physical pain. Cool!

Feelings...

Well, I finally figured out what I've been feeling lately. I've been so tired that I thought I was just feeling everything as more tiredness, but I've managed to identify what's going on! Yay! I'm feeling tired, lonely, ugly, useless, unworthy, and unwanted. And one that I don't know the word for, but I can describe it. It's like I'm supposed to be someone else, someone better, but I'm just not. To borrow and paraphrase a metaphor from Hugo, I feel like the world is a machine, but I'm one of the extra parts. I'm irrelevant. There's the word! Frig. Did I mention I've been very pessimistic lately?

Another sleepless night with Ryan

Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!

Dream Sequence (adding some clarity)

I had a dream tonight. I was the same person I am now, I didn't have any superpowers, and I didn't see the world through someone else's eyes. I was visiting Rosebud, though it looked a little different, and I went to see Grace. I had had a crush on her for a little while, but I knew she was already in a relationship. In one conversation we had she had told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend and she loved him very much. I thought I was better than her because I had a higher moral standard/ Before I headed back home I went to see Grace one last time. I have no idea why, but I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. She smiled from ear to ear when I said that and she came in close and just put a hand on my knee ( we were sitting together on a love seat type thing). But her eyes of joy suddenly turned into horror as she glanced behind me and saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend.I turn around but he's already left. I start to chase after him and make up a hundred different ways in my head to make it seem like it wasn't my fault, but then I stopped. It was my fault. I slowly started to make my way back to Grace's room. My mom was her roommate for some reason, and when I got there, she said she was so ashamed of me and turned her back. I again started thinking of a million different ways that I could make it seem like I was joking, or that she had misunderstood, but then I saw Grace and she was devastated  I felt ashamed, worthless, and absolutely, completely disgusting. Again I thought of ways that I could swing it so I was joking, or that she was taking it too hard, but once again I stopped. I thought, "am I Christian or not? What Should I do? It is my fault, how can I make it better?" And I was struck, because I knew that it wouldn't be better, but I knew what I had to do. I had to go in and say I'm sorry, not try to explain, unless I was asked, not to try to fix it, because I couldn't, but just had to say sorry. And then I was struck again, even more powerfully, with such incredible shame. I couldn't handle it. Luckily I didn't have to, because I woke up.

I am absolutely convinced that this dream was from God. The feelings I had in the dream were completely unmitigated, and completely real. He decided to show me what I assume is exactly how Grace felt when she betrayed me. But the thing is, I didn't even have anyone attack me for it in the dream. The closest I got was when my mom turned her back on me. I can't even imagine how devastated I made Grace feel when I selfishly and angrily struck back at her. I never even thought about it from her point of view. All I was focused on was me and my hurt, and I didn't even consider that she may be hurting exactly as much as I was, but in a way that she couldn't change. That all she could possibly do was say sorry, and I just blasted her down. I don't remember her actually saying that she was sorry, but I now see how incredibly difficult that might have been to do. And it was just something that she (and me in the dream) didn't even think about. Doesn't make it any less wrong, but it wasn't a planned betrayal. It was just a moment of weakness.

So Grace, I am so incredibly sorry, and I may ask you to read this so you'll have an idea of how much I mean it. And God, thank you for giving me this gift. I now can see exactly what my actions may have caused, and I now know how when you say that revenge is up to you, to leave it. I had my revenge before I even knew, and all the stabs I took back at her only made her pain even worse than mine. Because I was right, but really, I was so incredibly wrong. Thank you God. Don't every let me forget this lesson, and to look at any situation from the other's side. I never want to cause this much pain again. Amen.

Life Lessons Learned

Greetings dear blog! I've decided that I want to write down some of the things that I've learned and have been learning since Grace and my breakup. A lot of people have told me that it'll be a learning experience, and knowing my memory, I'd better actually write it down before I forget and the lesson is partly lost! I'll probably also put down random thoughts and feelings as well. I've been having lots of those lately.

The first thing that I've really learned is that God is the only one that you can really trust and count on. If you lean on another person either they will collapse because they can't handle it, or they'll let you drop. The only one you can count on to hold you up is God because he can and did handle absolutely anything. He will never betray you and let you drop.

I've learned that I enjoy hanging out with people a lot more than I thought. That the church is a place for healing as well as learning.
I've learned that people can just be plain old wrong, without an ulterior motive or a mistake in reasoning.
I've learned that just asking once isn't enough, you have to hunt to really find out what's going on. Actually, now that I think of it, that's complete crap. Asking is enough. If the person doesn't want to answer, that's their problem, not any failing of my own.

I've learned that living a good life is so much easier when you realize that you really can't do it.
I've learned that a good relationship is one that grants you freedom. A good relationship is where both sides can speak their minds and be completely unafraid of being belittled or unheard.
I've learned a good person is one who is willing to entertain the thought that they might actually be wrong.

I've learned that I am a good man. My confidence in myself has actually grown because I can look at what I've done and know that I did the very best I could. I stood true to my friends, my love, and my principals.
I've learned that I desperately want to love people. I fought against my anger and hurt because I treasure my friendships more than I ever knew. I've learned that I have a very odd ability to keep a relationship with someone without being with them. What I mean by that is that if I saw one of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time, it would be like we never were apart. I am apparently uniquely situated to deal with long distance relationships!

I've learned just how destructive my relationship was getting. Every time I was afraid that I had unknowingly added the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't do so many things that I really should have because I was afraid that it would be viewed the wrong way. Now that I'm free, I actually hang out with my friend a lot. Rayne and my relationship has grown a lot because I feel free to hang out and do things, just her and me. I've discovered that I spent way too much energy on my relationship that didn't help. I was always wondering what Grace was doing and wishing she could be here, and wondering if I was doing something she would think was wrong. I have so many useful things to focus on now! I've started getting serious about learning guitar, I've been working on my creativity with songwriting and board game designs, and most importantly I've actually spent time talking with God instead of always being preoccupied with thinking of Grace. That's not saying that thinking about Grace was bad at all, but I put so much energy and attention in that didn't help anyone or anything. Instead of never knowing what to do, I now get to decide it for myself. I have energy again, and I don't feel guilty about focusing on my friends.

The final thing that I've learned again is how incredibly blessed I am. I am blessed to have an absolutely wonderful family that is always there for me. I am blessed to have friends that encourage me and challenge me, and are always up for some fun! I'm blessed to be the man that I am. I can look at myself and, aside from getting thrown off cuz I never look in a mirror ("Is that what I look like???"), I am happy with what I see. I am blessed to have a wonderful church that has helped me to grow so much and has recognized my gifts and encouraged me in them.

And I really want to end on this note. I have been incredibly blessed to have had a wonderful relationship with a woman that I love very much. It got bad by the end, but I have learned so much and have been able to extend grace to the people who have wronged me. I may regret some of the things I did or said, but in the end I will never regret being in that relationship. Thank you Grace and thank you God for that!

The Vow

As you may have gathered from the title, I just watched the movie The Vow. Let me just say that the amount of thinking this has caused me to do is exactly what makes me love and adore theatre more than anything! The basic plot of the movie is that a man and his wife get into a car accident and the girl (who's name I completely forget unsurprisingly) loses her memory of all of the time she has ever known her husband. So the movie is mostly him trying to get her to fall in love with him again. I really loved that it wasn't just all him being sappy and lovey dovey and it just all being okay. She doesn't remember him and he knows everything about her. And he can't just tell her because she's scared and doesn't know what her life is. He can't freak her out more and she can't love the guy that she's supposed to love. But he kept it up. He did absolutely everything he could think of and more to remind her why she loved him. He gave up everything that he had to try and win her back. He had to give up living with her, kissing her, saying he loves her. I can't even imagine what that would be like and I just saw it! There's a bit of a plot twist at the end, which I won't give away, but basically he knows something that she doesn't, and she finds out and asks him why he didn't tell her. And the reason is because he wanted her to be happy even more than he wanted her to love him back. He did give everything he had for her. And the most powerful part of the movie for me was when he recognized that he wasn't what she needed right then, and let her go. He loved her so much that he gave up her love for him just so she could be happy.
And now the thinking part! Watching pretty much any piece of theatre is cause for the question, "What would I do in that situation?" And the frustrating discovery that I would have given up long before him. That I want to be loved so bad that I would maybe destroy something else. The terrible discovery that I don't love as fiercely as this character. That I still don't really know what love is. That I still don't know how to love. And the realization that I am still so selfish. I've always known it, but I just keep ending up back at it. I'm so focused on myself all the time. Even when I Do something unselfish I still Think that I would have liked the other option. I very often just do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because I want to. Not even because I want to be good or do the right thing. I just do it. Why does that make sense and not make any sense? I guess what I've learned from this movie is that I have a lot to learn about love. And it is a reinforcement that love really does exist. I've seen it, and some day I'll figure out how to truly love. Here's to that day! Good night.

A little more on the subject of acting

Alrighty, I just went and saw A Bright Particular Star in Rosebud with Grace. Basically it's about a girl who ends up giving up pretty much everything just so that she can act in a play. It's set when theatre was still viewed as an anti-church thing, and she's a Christian girl, so her family, her friends, even her fiance, all fight her to stay away from the theatre. And I'm happy and annoyed to say that it did something to me. Something that I really don't get... What she wanted to do was Shakespeare, and even though she and her family had all done some charity theatre and the Pilgrim's Progress, she wanted to do something that wasn't "preaching". I think that might have been it. That the theatre doesn't have to be all about God and all with a Christian message or whatever. That theatre isn't just theatre for the teaching value and all those things that I said in my monologue (which is in here somewhere if you'd like to read it). Maybe, just maybe, theatre might just sometimes be about being beautiful. Maybe it can be just about having a good laugh, and really that being enough. God loves humor, he loves beauty, so why can't we just revel in that? I'm not saying that everything is good, but I am saying that whatever you or I choose to do or create, can be just as praising to God as singing a hymn. Maybe this is the part that I've been kind of missing in theatre. I don't really know, but I will certainly look into it more! So, for one thing, I'm going to start looking for plays, movies, songs, or anything, that really matter to me. That really touch me. And maybe from that, I can find some sort of peace that I'm missing.

A new and annoying discovery

Okay, first I just want to say that the reason I haven't written anything is cuz I couldn't log into blogger. So I had to e-mail google, and reset my password and a whole bunch of annoying stuff, but I finally got it back! So anyways...
Yesterday Luke, Brianna, and I were talking. Which is something that we usually are not all together to do. So it was really nice and good and fun. I don't remember everything we were talking about, Oh Right! Luke was writing letters to a whole bunch of people and he had written ones for Brianna and I. They were letters of encouragement, so he read them to us, and it was great. I don't remember what it is that he said, except that he knows that I'll be an awesome teacher. Which I already knew, but yay. Them Brianna started talking about how a lot of people have been telling her that they see Jesus in her. She told us a bunch of stories and it was really cool, and she talked about Matt something or other, who is the singer in the band For Today. He also has a sermon/solo series that Brianna had been listening to for a while, and she was talking about one that he talks about how he was talking to Jesus and he asked "did it hurt?" and Jesus replied, "it was worth it". I don't know why, but that made a profound impact on me and made me get all choked up and all those things that I hate and avoid. But I thought more about it, and almost every time someone says anything about worth, about how we are worth so much to God or something like that, I get a pit at the bottom of my throat. And I just can't figure out why! I mean, I already know every human is worth a lot. I know that I am worth a lot, so why is it that this affects me so much? As much as I'd like to, I don't see myself as this terrible person, and I really do know that I am worthwhile, but I just... I dunno. I guess I just wonder. I guess maybe there is some part of me that wonders if I actually am worth it. If I am worth anything. That's something that I struggled with before, and maybe I just never really got rid of it. I think I really need to find someone to talk to about this stuff. I really have a lot more that I need to figure out about myself! I know that I'll talk to Grace, but I don't know if she's ready for this stuff yet. She's still got lots of herself to figure out. We shall see...
Oh! And before I forget, Luke was talking about death letters, which are letters of what you wished you could have said to people if you died. Katie wrote some and then realized that she should actually give them to people. Maybe I need to write a few...

self discovery at it's best

An odd and annoying thing that I discovered (actually it's probably rediscovered) about myself a few days ago. I've discovered that I only miss people when I'm with them, with the notable exceptions of Grace and Carsyn. I found this out when I went and got to hang out with Juli, Sharon, Lizzy, and Aaron. It was fun and fantastic and great and there was really good spaghetti, but when I was there I just started to realize how much I miss them all, and it really sucked when I actually had to say goodbye! So I think it's something like I miss people subconsciously, or something... Maybe it's just that I don't know what I have until I'm just about to lose it! Hee hee. I really love you guys! You Playhousers! I'm really glad that we can still be friend in spite, or maybe even because of our differences! Love you and I'll see you next time!

A little thing called love

Well, to start I'd like to apologize to myself for not sticking to my commitment of at least one post a month. I will still try to stick to that though, so don't you be going anywhere!

It all started when I decided to read David's blog. It'd been a really long time since I'd checked on his blog (or mine) so I went to pay a visit. (why is it called "paying" a visit?) The first post I read was about inspiration. I love how he said that anything can inspire you. You can have your favorites, but everything has the potential to be an inspiration to someone. His first example was the wind, which I find ironic because I hate the wind. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with irony but whatever. It just makes me cold and want to go inside or just behind a bush or something. Whatever. The next thing was airports. I think that is probably one of the coolest things ever! I mean, who would think to go to something that is a breeding ground for stress and aggravation and be inspired. It really made me want to go sit in an airport for a while. People are so facinating. Every single one totally different from the other, but everyone have so much in common. Everyone has their stresses and joys and ways of dealing with both, everyone has the triggers but all are different. Different colors, different shapes, different smiles, different. Now that I think on it, I don't know how well I would fare in an airport. I guess I could suppress my caring and just watch. It's interesting, whenever I start to really look at someone, to really listen, I can't help but, I don't really know the word, ache? yearn? feel? I want so desperately for everything to be okay. It's so disappointing that I can't ever do that. I think that's why David troubles me so much. I couldn't figure him out. Still can't. I have to know what's going on and do everything I can to fix it. So I tried. But both him and I were too scared. I know how scared I was. All this acting thing was beating my defences and I didn't know if I could handle someone as much as him. By much I mean confusing, agrivating, uplifting, inspiring, irritating, and scared. How could I deal with that? I couldn't deal with that in myself and frankly, it hasn't gotten much better. But I've learned something, it's somthing that he mentioned in the next post that I read, it was connection. I wrote a monologue trying to figure out why I do what I do, and a big part of what I do is connect. And that is the reason for it. I think of connection as the joining of two souls in simple understanding. Of being able to look at them and say "I get that, I understand, you're not alone". I've found a little bit over the last year, actually for a long time but I've just figured out what it was, that it is that understanding, that camraderie, that can keep me going.

I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but don't worry, I'll be back. Megan, for such a long time I've wanted to ask "why are you so afraid to trust people?". It actually hurts. I know what it's like to not trust anyone, to not let anyone in, and you know what? It's not worth it. I have the same problem. I've picked the wrong people to really trust and I've gotten burned for it. So much that I never want to open up to anyone ever again. But what is the purpose of anything if it isn't shared? What is the point of the life that is lived alone? There is no point in it. I know there are good people who are worthy of trust. I've seen them. I know that there is a God who is trustworthy, and maybe that's where you have the advantage over me. I hope you have that. I know how awesome it is to have that friend. I just lost him and I don't know how to get him back. Don't try to keep yourself from all harm because there is nothing as destructive as nothing. There is no safety away from connection. There is no purpose only from yourself. It is the little connections that I've made on the way that keep me going. I get so scared when you decide to just stay by yourself when everyone else goes out. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to happen a lot. I know I do the same thing sometimes. I try and get away from the hurt of people around. It's the fear that hurts. But how much better it is when I do go out, and every so often make a connection. I don't want you to starve for a real, true connection.

So, David, that is my answer to what I think connection is. It may be wrong, but it makes sense to me. But anyways, the second post that I read was a story. It was a story that I found interesting because I imediately thought, "oh! He finally posted a story! And it's not about him so it must be one of his stories." I know that he has become quite the avid writer, and I really wanted to get a feel for his style. I couldn't connect with the story too well at first, but gradually it changed into a story that I could really truly understand. I could understand the conflict if not the situation, but then this character went to college. Made a connection, made a friend, and then lost her. I love how he worded her, "with Shannon everything was in the right context to be a good thing." I could feel just from that short piece what she was to him. I lost that girl too. The person that, no matter what was happening, it was good. I might have sucked, it might have been painful, but it was good. It was that connection that I'd been looking for my whole life, and then it was gone within a week. Almost without getting to say goodbye. Life is brutal sometimes. And then his roommate. The guy's roommate kinda sounds like a basket case to me! But I guess they were good together. I don't know how much good actually came out of it, but it's an experience not to ever be forgotten. I hope on both sides. I remember being roommates with David. It was all of those things I mentioned earlier, but one thing I didn't mention. I miss him. As much as I want to forget him sometimes, and as jealous as I get when all the girls get on thier weepy "oh I miss David so much" parties, I miss him so much too. I'm not totally sure why. No, I know why. It's because he is a part of me. Together we mourned, created, and tried to make the other one break. It's because of the connection every time we hugged or snuggled or smiled. It was the unspoken and deeply buried sameness we had. That understanding. I want to see just how far he's gone from that point, how much he's learned, and I want to show him what I am now, who I am. I miss him, because in him was that part of me that I didn't want to see, but was forced to look at every day. I know I grew from that, and I guess I can only hope he did too. But back to the story, he then has a life changing encounter. One of those that only happens a few times. One of the times when someone asks you "how are you doing" and you answer. I can't imagine how freeing that is. I hope I'll find out someday. And then the story ends on a bit of a cliff hanger as the character heads of into "some Arabian country". I really hope that David'll continue this story. I think it's definitely one worth telling. It makes me kind of laugh, the character keeps on going back to a pessimistic view, even after some really cool things happen. Sure they ended, but the story isn't done yet. I hope that he can learn to treasure the beautiful things he comes across. I hope I can do that too. Thanks Dave. Love you.

Affirmations

Well, today was interesting... Especially spiritual formation. We were going to talk about judging others and look at the different scriptures on it, but we never actually got to that. It actually ended up being an amazing time where everyone was able to just put everything on the table, and man there was a lot! A lot more than I knew about anyways. But that's not really surprising. So as per usual I just sort of stayed in the background and listened, very interesting and all that (yes I am a heartless jerk hee hee), apparently Lizzy is really tough on me... Didn't ever get that vibe... However I did discover a few things about myself, I still put my value in how dad sees me. Or at least how I think he sees me. And interestingly I found that I really don't know if I truly care about myself. Like, I don't want to get hurt, but I don't really completely care if I'm happy or sick or whatever, I mean, I like being happy, but I don't care if I am. If that makes any sense. And I love Lizzy. A lot. So we all figured out a lot of crap and had some hard cries and then is what I really think we all needed so much, we went around and told every single person one thing that we absolutely love about them. You know, I thought that I was pretty far detached from everyone, but everything that everyone said to me and what I said for people, it was all so meaningful. I think that we really truly love each other. All of us, and really that makes it all ok for me. I mean, that's what I always wanted. I'm going to list these as much as I can remember, although I'm totally going to mess them up. But Ryan, when you're having a crappy day and you need to remember why it is that you even bother going on, when you can't see the good inside you, when you feel worthless, look at what these people, this family has to say about you. And if any of you happen to ever look at this I want you to know that I really love these things about you. It's not just a "Oh, I have to think of something", I really mean it. Here we go.
Julie, I love your incredible passion for everything you do. How no matter what you're doing, your whole heart is in it. Whether it be acting, talking, or trying to fix things by calling us all out on what we needed to deal with, you put all of your heart in it. And by your heart I mean all of your caring, vulnerability, and strength. I know you're strong, and I know that I didn't say that, being as someone else did, but don't ever forget how powerful you are. You can do anything because you Want it. You have all the strength and passion you need. You can do it. I know you care. Your have incredible courage. I can't even understand how brave you are. I know you just think it's natural and how you were raised, but you have the gift of courage. It's so beyond what I've ever seen in people. And to add, from what I've just found out from you today feb 24, your honesty is amazing, and your understanding and insight is pretty awesome too. I really appreciate how you are willing to say "I'm just going to be honest" and then do just that. That takes courage. And you asked me every question that I needed to think of, and my favorite part, you know what your limit is, you know what you can handle and what you are willing to put up with. Thanks for not putting up with my crap. Although, just so you know, I'm still going to ask you how you're doing. I may not be in a position to do anything, but I still want to know.
Ashley, I love your stories. At first I thought it was kind of annoying how much you talked, but now that I'm listening more, I love it. I have the tendency to say I understand if I only half do, but with you, your stories make it so easy to see exactly what it is you're saying. And it's always good. You have some great things to say, don't stop that. Keep telling your stories!
Lizzy, I love how much of an effort you are putting into the relationships here. I don't know if you know how much it drove me crazy last year when you refused, to my face, to allow yourself to connect with us. I am so glad you changed your mind on that. And I love hanging out with you. You remind me of all the things I miss of home. The fun that we have and the work that we do. And I do miss the few conversations that we had last year, but I think that we'll have some even better ones this year. Sorry for dropping the ball on our agreement, I'll try to get back on that.
Ryan, Brad loves your honesty and willingness to be human, with all the failings that come with that. Juli is scared of you (wait, what?? I mean, you're the superwoman, why would you be scared of me?) because you're just like her dad, but you chose the path to keep going. She is so proud of you for still fighting. For still going on. For the strength that you have to go on. Ashley loves that you are still trying to connect with people even if you don't realize it (I mean, "hey, you going to co-op? I'll walk you there". Duh) and that you are an overcomer. That no matter what, you will somehow plow through and keep going, no matter what. Nothing can stop you.
Lizzy loves that even if you're having a crappy day you'll still ask how she's doing and really mean it.
Megan loves that you refuse to give up. How you will keep going when she would have given up long ago.
Sharon loves
Aaron loves that it doesn't matter about whatever crap you're going through, you still care enough to truly ask how he's doing.
ASK LIZZY AND SHARON PLEASE!!! DON'T JUST LEAVE IT!
Megan, last year you scared me. I always thought you were going to stab me in the neck or something. (and apparently I had good reason to think that), but this year I love how much more open you are. If you smile at me or say anything to me it really brightens up my day. I know that sounds kinda odd, but that's me. I also love how you refuse to do anything halfway. If you're tired, you could drop off to sleep right there, if you're frusterated, the whole world better look out, and if you love Lizzy, she's darn well going to know about it! It's such a joy to watch you. You inspire me to do things all in too. Don't ever lose that.
Sharon, I love your passion for God. When you were talking about that book that I forget the name of again at the beginning of the year, I got so excited! And talking about dancing in the rain with God and seeing God in the homeless that we pass on the streets. I really look up to you for that. That's something that I want. I haven't seen that side of you in a while, make sure you don't lose it. It's too good for that!
Aaron, I love how deep you are and how much you challenge me. I loved our few talks from last year. I really really miss them and I'm going to try to have more with you. And I love it how you are strong in what you believe and you don't mind challenging what other people believe so that they will figure it out. I really loved it when you asked me if it bugged me when you swore, but you didn't just leave it at that, you challenged me to look at what I'm doing. I love how you will do or say whatever it takes to get the other person to where they need to be. Even if they hate you for it. That is so courageous. Don't lose that. I love you man.

Discoveries 4

Ah, another wonderful discovery in acting class. Actually this one doesn't have much to do with my understanding myself, but I guess the last one wasn't either. Moving on. It has finally clicked in me that it's not about repeating. That the exercise really doesn't matter. It's about actually connecting and really DOING whatever it is you came to do. It doesn't really matter how you accomplish it, just so long as you get it and connect. Easier said then done, but at least now I understand what I'm shooting for. Well done Ryan! Finally...

Discoveries 3

Welcome once again to the wonderful world of learning how to act. I really learned the importance of doing all the background work. You have to know exactly where you came from, what you're trying to do, and what your relationship is with the other person (and I just learned that what that really means is how you treat them). Another thing is that you shouldn't use just the text to make a prep. Figure out exactly what it is that the situation does to you(or a situation like it cuz a lot of the time you would never be in that situation) and then use a really personal prep to actually make it work. Cindy got me to use the prep that Carsyn had been beaten up and was in the hospital. And that it would keep happening until I could convince Abby(Ashley) to stop. That worked SO well for me. But I'm still frusterated that, even after all of the work that Ashley and I have put into it, we still took up almost all of the class time to basicly start our scene from scratch again. And then my emotions weren't doing what I wanted and I couldn't release anything and I was frusterated and I don't like people at the moment. So there! Ok. I learned lots and that's good. That's what I'm here for so I just need to remember that. Right...

Discoveries 2

So today in acting we had a mini discussion about what our creative energy is and how we use it and get it back. It started off with Cindy giving us a quote to the effect that we use our creativity to glorify God, and that by our art, not just acting, we can let a little bit of God's glory shine into the world. How encouraging is that? What we get to tap into when we get creative is a little bit of our reflection of God. We get to tap into what God gave us at our very core! Art is an expression of the heart, and God said that He would give us the desires of our heart. Hmm... I forget where I was going with that... Maybe it'll come to me later. But anyways, we actors get to have a little bit of something that no one else can really get. We get to connect with God on so many different levels. We get to understand people and how they connect with God and we get to connect as those people! We get to learn about and understand some of the most complex creatures that God created and even get paid for it! It makes me think of phsychology. I always wanted to learn some of that, but now I'm starting to realize that I can understand people better than a phsychologist because I can actually think like the person. Seems like a pretty good insider's view! So we get to connect with God with all the complexities of another person. This really isn't half as exciting as what we actually got to, but my brain is kinda slow at the moment. Oh well! I'm still excited!

Discoveries Part 1

So I decided that I'd put up some of the things that I found out about myself in acting, and possibly in other places but I think acting is going to be the biggest one. So I've talked lately with a few people in first year and they told me that I've never actually let anything out on stage. I thought that was silly at first, but Aaron and Juliann told me specifically that I've never actually been angry. Even though I've wanted to be. So today in acting I decided that I would do my very best to just let anything out, not nesesarily anger. Lizzy and I had a really great warm up, so I was feeling pretty good (doesn't happen all that often). But when we got up to do our scene with Tanya, it just sarted falling to pieces for me. I couldn't connect and I kept on getting distracted by Ashley's blue shirt. I was getting so fed up and just frusterated that I couldn't do it right (I know you're not suposed to worry about that, but that's all I have for now) and right near the very end I finally felt something pop. It was really weird cuz I was actually aware of something breaking and I almost thought I heard it. Luckily it didn't distract me so we finished of reasonably well. But then after that I actually visually saw what happened. I actually saw in my head a heart completely covered in chains (there was a yellow background too, that was weird) and the chain that was closest to me was broken. There was one link that had been cracked in half. First off it's pretty creepy that I actually even had that happen, but I think that I now realize why I'm here. I want to teach and that's all good, but I think that I am here so that I can actually get free. I always look at anything that I've dealt with and thought "oh, everyone else has gone through way worse stuff so don't worry about it" but I think that I really am chained. I don't really know how it happened, but I, for once, have something to do for myself. I'm excited!