Letter to Sara

Dearest Sara,

As I presume will be the case with some letters to come, I doubt you will ever actually read this. This letter is more for me to be able to sort through my thoughts and try to move past them. You know how I tend to think hard, but think really slow. I'm hoping that this letter will let me finally put my thoughts to rest and let me move on. You've held hold of my heart and mind for long enough. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance to. Anyways, if you ever did decide to give me the time of day, this is what I want to say.

Man, I just don't know how you got me so so wrong. I mean, you know me right? You know I'm practically impotent at communication over text. You know that I'm not condescending, or judgmental, or an asshole. You know these things about me, so why the heck, over one short burst of text conversation, would you decide that everything you know about me is totally wrong??? Why wouldn't you at least try to talk to me to understand what went wrong? Why would I suddenly be acting and talking so different from what you've always known me to be? Am I not worth the effort to understand? Do you not care? You told me you love me! I thought that meant you care! When you told me you'd be there for me no matter what, I thought that meant that you would at the absolute minimum talk to me no matter what! I'm so vehemently frustrated! And angry! I don't deserve to be cast aside like this. From the very conversation that you threw me away over I commiserated with you how we both have the flaw of thinking too little of ourselves and that we both needed to remember that we are not garbage to be thrown away. We both deserve better. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I meant what I said. I'm mad, but I will always care for you. Call it condescending if you want, but I call that at least a little bit of love. I love you, especially as I have gotten to know you more. I think the world of you. I don't know how this could have turned out so wrong. I guess some miscommunication when talking about hurts would do it eh? Yeah, about that...

I still am not brave enough to re read our last conversation. The panic I feel thinking about it, I just can't right now. Which is a little pathetic I admit, but you already know how painful this is. Having someone you deeply care about cut you out? It hurts deep. But despite that I still keep going back to the parts I do remember. For the first couple months I keep thinking, "What the hell happened? What went wrong?" I tried to talk to you, but I shouldn't have ever tried to text. I should have just asked to meet. Then maybe we could have understood each other. I remember the panic of that last conversation. The weeks of writing and rewriting my message, trying to explain as succinctly as possible, while also trying to bridge towards you, who I treasure. I remember the feeling of this precious relationship slipping through my hands. Thinking back I remember talking about Grace and having no clue why she had come up. I think I understand now, but then I was just afraid that you were maybe misunderstanding something about my previous relationship in a way that made it relevant to ours. I didn't realize you thought I was comparing my relationship with Grace to yours with Ryan and Alex. It seems so obvious now, but I was so panicked and defensive, and you seemed to mad and insulting. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't aware enough to bypass the things that didn't matter and hone in on what had actually gone wrong.

I think I have figured it out though. Of course, I don't really have a way of knowing, but I think I really got it. It comes down, as it did a few times in our disagreements, to a different understanding of words. I've talked to a few people and I've learned that my understanding of 'flaws' is actually different from most people's. Not a good thing. Not at all. You see, I think of people sort of like stained glass windows. Beautiful, shining in light, but with many cracks. I thought of those chips and cracks in the glass as flaws. The word I should have been using was brokenness. I don't think of a flaw as intrinsically negative. They can easily lead to negativity, the word I had in my head being faults, but did not have to. When you said that those things I listed weren't flaws, but just things that happened to you, I pretty much agree! They are spots of deep brokenness in you, and a number of them parallel cracks in my own life. I remember you texting me that a flaw is "pushing yourself too hard" which confused me at the time. I mean, that could be the result of a flaw (my thinking) but seemed more like a quirk of personality. I'm sorry I think so differently. Sometimes people find it novel, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I try to ask lots of questions, so I can understand as much as possible the way someone else is thinking. I just couldn't do it enough over text. I didn't understand where the breakdown in communication was happening. I was truly trying to encourage you, not stand in judgement or condemnation. I wasn't even thinking of my own experience in pointing those four things out! I was remembering the conversations we had had before and trying to give you a different way of looking at those broken parts and seeing how they weren't as damaged as you may have thought. Ironic that from your perspective I was laughing at how bad you were in those areas.

I guess I want to try to explain why I did point out those particular places of brokenness. I guess I really misunderstood what you were trying to say to me in those conversations. You weren't the only one who misunderstood. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand. I thought that I did understand, but I see now just how mistaken I was.

Firstly was talking about previous relationships. I recall having several conversations over the course of our relationship, but the particular one you said something that I remember perfectly because I thought it was so poetic. You said "I guess the relationship was over before we actually broke up." It was about Ryan and Alex that you said that, so I really shouldn't have generalized and said it was "some of your past relationships". Should have been more specific I guess. I see why you thought I was comparing your relationships to my relationship with Grace. At the time I was just baffled as to why she came up. I wasn't thinking about her at all. Just what you had previously told me. Though you did mischaracterize my relationship with her... It doesn't really matter though. She wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having.

The second thing with talking badly about yourself was pretty much exactly the conversation we had had a couple weeks before that, and it didn't seem you took offence to it either time, so I'll just leave it. You did comment that you really liked the way I'd put it the first time though, so I think you got what I was saying. Don't make a description become a prescription. Anyways...

Talking about self worth was probably what I'm most confused about. If you assume that I was using the normal definition of flaw then what I said really wouldn't have made any sense. And it seems, thinking back on it, that you didn't think it made sense, but you just insulted me instead of asking me to make sense of it. It could have been the perfect opportunity to find out where the wires were getting crossed. Man, I wish we could have been more clear headed. I was terrified and you were mad, and now I'm somewhat mad and you're just... Well I guess I don't really know you as well as I thought, so I have no idea what you're thinking. Maybe you still think about me and wonder what went wrong, or maybe how you could have missed how awful I am, or maybe you just aren't thinking about me at all. Just purged me from your life scorched earth style. I hope not. I still hope we can reconcile someday. Someday we can understand each other and start again. I really like you. I think we could have a truly wonderful friendship.

Finally is the one that you seemed to have gotten the most mad at. Talking about Jeff. Now here I think I did actually make a presumption. At least in one part. I didn't only go by what we had talked about in the past. But we'll get to that.

I remember talking a couple times about Jeff and marriage. In particular I remember talking one time in your room about marriage vows. I can't remember exactly what you said, but when I asked you about what you thought of wedding vows and maybe marrying again in the future, you said something along the lines of, "I do think the vows matter a lot. I'd really have to think about it before doing something like that again." Again, I don't remember your exact words, but I don't know how else to interpret what I do remember. The topic changed soon afterwards, so I didn't really get into details with you, but I can't imagine what you meant other than that you'd really have to consider yourself before making vows again. I don't see any other interpretation. I'd love to get clarity, because you seemed really upset about that in particular. That's not me calling you a bad person for getting a divorce. You told me only a little bit of the details, so all I have to go off is what you told me. I just know that when I broke my word it broke a bit of me, and it sounded to me like the same happened with you. I can't imagine how deep that brokenness goes in you. I'm sorry that it happened.

And the last thing that I am very sorry for is making a presumption. I said that you should have fought harder for your marriage. And I shouldn't have. I don't know the full situation. I don't know how hard it was to stay. I just know when you told me that you wished that he had fought for you, I thought you wanted him to have fought as hard as you had. I thought that because when I've talked to every one of my friends who have gotten a divorce, every one of them said they wish they had fought harder for their marriage. The men and the women. I presumed that you were like that as well. I shouldn't have thought that and I'm sorry.

I guess that's it then, huh? I wanted to explain myself a little bit. Try to help you understand where I'm coming from and see that you took what I was trying to say over text in the wrong way. I definitely see that I never should have tried to say anything really tough over text. You'd think I'd have learned that by that point! I'm sorry that I couldn't communicate well. And it cost me you. One of the people I care most about. I still feel hurt, angry, sad.. sometimes. I guess I thought that I was worth fighting for. I thought that you loved me. I love you. Always will. It'll never look like it did, but when I said I'd be here for you no matter what I meant it. You will always be special. I will always care for you. Goodbye, sweet Sar-bear.

Get it off my chest

I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...


I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.

Backpacking through life

It's a new year. Yep. I was hoping that the new year would be full of new opportunities, but so far everything has been rather crappy. And considering it's only the first day, that's really not a good thing! But here's the thing, I had a crappy day and ended up calling my good friend Carl, who I haven't had a chance to talk with for a while. Almost over Christmas, but it didn't work out. And I just got to tell him everything that was going on and everything that was frustrating me and it was really really good. I never really talk about myself to people, which is a little odd. But it was good. It was good to process a bit and just be frustrated and angry and tired. I'm too private, and I think that partly has to do with how I always pick the most troubled people as my closest friends. So I can focus on them and help them, but I don't feel I can put any of my problems or frustrations on them. Which probably isn't true, but that's the way I work. But Carl reminded me of something that I forgot, and something I need to do more thinking on. He reminded me that I can always see the good in people and in situations. And that is really important for me to remember because it's true. I often feel like I'm cynical, and to a point I am, but that's really only when it comes to general things. But when it comes to the specifics, to the people I see day to day, I really look for the good. And that gets me into trouble sometimes because I avoid seeing the bad that's going on. That gets me hurt sometimes. I really need to keep looking for the good though, because I'm struggling right now. I can see the good in others but I just can't in myself and my situation. I feel like a failure, like I just can't make it. I feel so tired. I thought to myself this morning, "could someone stop the world please? I'd like to get off". But there is good. I have some places where I'm learning. I have a job. I have friends here that, even if we're not as close as I used to be, care about me and I care for. I miss Rayne though. So much. God give me strength and endurance as I try desperately to run this race. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Happy New Years everyone. Good night.

Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Tired of ticking

Greetings my dear friends and colleagues! It being fifty minutes till April makes me a little stressed, as I've decided to write every single month, but the topics I wish to talk about are quite in depth and would be quite time consuming. And as you know, I hate writing, so that makes it even less appealing to me...
But I want to share something that's been on my heart for a while now, and that I'm going to be writing a sermon on. Apparently that's just something I do now.. But I love it! Sermons are lesson plans on things that I really care about!
Anyways, over the last few months I've been talking with many people who are dealing with feeling unworthy of God's love. Feeling that the past is too bad, or that it's impossible to get away from their old demons. And I just keep running different things that I want to say so badly, but I don't have all the words yet. It makes me think of a video that I may have put up here, but I'll put it up again. It's by Mattie Montgomery, the singer for one of Luke and Brianna's favorite bands For Today. In it he shares a vision that he had about how he saw Jesus and asked him if it hurt when he got the scars in his hands, and Jesus simply saying, "It was worth it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogKnrBrrJSM

It's really powerful, and this one video has spoken into my life so many times. How the God who made the universe, the stars, the waters, the birds, the snow... For Him to really love us so much that he gave Everything. While we were still sinners he did this. We did nothing to deserve it, and we can do nothing to deserve it, but I often get hung up on thinking about that when that isn't the point!
The point is that he LOVES us! That there is NOTHING! NOTHING!! That can take that away! Neither death or life, angels or demons, the past or the future, heights nor depths, NOTHING! He loves us so passionately, so fully, so unrelentingly, that it is literally impossible to change it.
You've screwed up? Doesn't matter. You've hurt him? Doesn't matter. I don't know what you've done? What secrets you hide? IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! God loves us so incredibly, that the ONLY thing he wants in return is for us to love him back. That's not to trivialize our part. Love isn't easy after all!
While it may be true that we don't deserve God's love, there is hidden in there a lie from the devil. Because we may not deserve it, but it IS OURS. God loves you. Deal with it.

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!

A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?

Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

Itunes? I swear by it! Sorry, I mean I swear at it.

Sigh... This is why I should never put off anything ever. I had a ton of stuff that I wanted to write about last night, but by now I've forgotten what those things were...
Well, I do remember part of it was a little bit of an analysis of myself. Those are always fun! And informative. And maybe you can learn a little about me as well! Which reminds me that I want to work on my series where I look at my pros and cons. Later.
I am an incredibly strong minded person. I wouldn't say stubborn, but that level of immovability. I am more than willing to listen to any view and learn from it, but I believe what I believe, and I believe it hard. And since I'm so logically based in my thinking, unless the other person can give me very convincing reasons to accept their point of view, I tend to safely discount it once I've analyzed it. Now, this is not a bad thing, it's just interesting, and I really like that you can't convince me of something through tears or yelling. I am able to lay aside my emotions (usually) when evaluating a view. I find this encouraging for myself because it forces me to actually make sure I understand my own views pretty well, and I believe it challenges other people to really know why they think what they do. You can call my point of view names all you want, I won't change unless you give me a good reason. And reason is not too bountiful in the world nowadays.
However, the flip side to this is that I sometimes find it difficult to engage with other people's emotions when dealing with their issues. I'm the stereotypical man in that, if you have a problem, then we should work to solve it. I don't really understand what happened exactly, because I used to be so good at this. I used to be able to easily understand and connect with people emotionally. Now I just think. It's incredibly frustrating for me, because I know I can distance myself and get a good understanding of the situation and what's going on, but I don't know how to effectively communicate it and engage in a, I dunno, comforting way, I guess. It's handy being able to see things from the outside, but it's really hard to get back in for me. I can comment on situations and I usually have something good and insightful to say, I just don't really know how to say it well. Bummer for me! Actually, probably more of a bummer for other people.
I do have more to say, but I've been struck by a wave of tiredness, so I'm going to bed. It's weird, I've been getting tired sooner than usual. It's only one thirty right now! But I'm going to turn on my speedruns and sleep. Good night.

Greetings to the groupies

Hello again dearest internet, it's been a while. It seems that the only time I actually write on here is when there's something bothering me, which is fine, cuz that's kind of what this was for in the first place, but at the same time I feel that this gives a rather incomplete picture of me. Cuz I'm ordinarily a rather positive person. I almost never complain about anything, and I'm emotionally stable. Although you probably already knew that didn't you?
Anyways, there's many things on my mind right now. Missing friends, missing friendships, worrying for friends, worrying about jobs, life, career, if I really do have any idea what I'm doing. You know, the usual. There's nothing wrong really. I guess I could complain that I still don't have a job while I thought I'd have one by last Monday. I could complain that no one came to games night. I could complain about a lot. Well, actually I can only think of two other things, but I'm sure I could come up with more if I applied myself. So, despite my very rough outline of what I was planning on writing tonight (you know how I love plans) I'm going to write about something else. Maybe a little about Relient K. Now, I think I've already posted the song on an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check at the moment, so I'm just going to say it's from their new album and it's called Don't Blink. Look it up on youtube if you're so inclined. I'm going to write the lyrics and then decide what I think about each of them! Good idea Ryan!

Don’t know where to go from here
My thoughts are tangled twisted fears
Been waiting a while now on the dawn
Seems like the sun may never come

I made my way through the darkest night
To the break of day on the other side
For some time the light’s been creeping in
Now I’m feeling like I could trust again

You’re the only person who reminds me
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Oh, you’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making plans and drawing maps
I plan to take the righteous path
And hope and pray it leads me back
To all the happiness I had

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn't love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me
You’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
Oh oh oh oh
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn’t love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me

So I copy pasted it from a website. Sue me. Also, they mixed up the order, so I fixed it. I'm no sheep! Anyways, I'm just gonna go through this systematically and we'll see what happens shall we? (I hate words with double letters by the way)
Well, the very start kind of sums up what's going on right now. At this exact moment. At this particular point in history. I don't know where my thoughts are going or where I'm going to end up. Oh boy. Like I said, there's nothing particularly wrong, but there hasn't really been for a long time. Just waiting for the sun to come again.
This next part reminds me of my baptism. Out of the darkest night and into the light. But for me, the light has really been creeping. Or maybe I've been hiding from it in my room. I do spend a lot of time in here. But I go out and do stuff! I just held a games night! I started my own bible study! Blech. I don't know that I'm ready to trust again. I just keep getting burned. And by burned I mean, like, the house burned down kind of burned.
You're the only person who reminds me... That used to be Grace. Then it was Rayne. But Grace is gone, doing her thing, and Rayne is off with her wonderful new boyfriend. Blech. Why can I only see the beauty of life sometimes? Every day it's a toss up of whether I'll be able to be happy or not. Sometimes, for no reason as far as I can tell, I just can't be happy. I honestly do try, cuz frankly I'm tired of being unhappy, but trying just isn't doing it. I don't get me. I just laughed because I misspelled something and thought it was funny. Am I happy or not? Huh. Love is beautiful and true. I disagree. Only true love is, and I have yet to see that. Eh, maybe I'm just a disgruntled old man. And, as I said before, maybe tomorrow I'll be back to the fun loving old me and I'll believe again. I just feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes. And I'm not a fan of water.
Don't you blink or it's gone. This seems to be a musical go to almost. Which is why I'm kind of surprised to hear it in a Relient K song. They've always impressed me with their incredibly witty and fun lyrics. Not that it's bad, I just wasn't expecting a well used musical trope. Whatever. It's true though. It's about really living in the moment and not letting yourself get distracted from what's happening right now. And from experience I also read in it that you have to stay totally engaged in the moment. If you let yourself slip, if you don't do your best, it's gone. Sometimes there are no second chances. Moving on. I've been terrified of life for way too long. Hmm... There's just something about that line that resonates with me. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of failing at the important things. I can do well on trivial things. A test, a coffee, a game. But on the really important things I seem to consistently fall flat on my face. Friendships, romance, love, God... I keep building up the courage to give it another go, and then ruin it. I feel like it's always my fault. I am terrified.
Mmm... Cheery. Alrighty! Plans and Maps! Woot! I love plans! And maps! Did I ever tell you that I used to do cartography as a hobby? I absolutely loved drawing detailed maps and measuring the distances and angles to the nearest millimeter. Sigh... Good times. I still am designing board games. A little bit of a slow season at the moment, but that always happens. Josh and I were working on a Pokemon board game, and Kyle and I are going to be working on a Mall builder/Sims kind of board game over the summer. I think Grace would be really excited with some of our ideas! Anyways, that's enough fun. Back to the serious business of song lyrics ruminating and evaluating. I haven't really been working all that hard at the righteous path for a while. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like it never helped anything, and was a bit of a bother. Well aren't I just the model Christian! Eh? Eh? I'm going to save this for tonight, cuz I want to move on. I'll just say that I miss the passion I had about God, and I have no idea how to get it back. Which, oddly enough, leads me directly to the end of this verse. I miss being really happy. I had that as a kid, with Carsyn, with Grace. Now I'm just wandering. Pathetic.
Just let me say, that this bridge doesn't sound nearly as impressive and utterly heart moving when it's just at normal volume. No, this bridge (and whole song if you're into that) is meant to be played at full volume. Crank the computer, crank the music player, crank the stereo. Mmm. Delicious. Here's the thing though. I don't always live in the past. I usually don't. But sometimes I just hurt. It reminds me of a song by Nevertheless. "They say time is a healer, it's more like a concealer for a scar." I have to say I agree with this. Now that doesn't make me a pessimist or a cynic, it's just that, from my experience, this is totally true. Maybe it's just the case that I let the scab get ripped off before it's actually healed, but I still hurt from every single time I was told that I wasn't worth it, through words or actions. Or the even more fun one where I heard the words "I don't love you anymore." I hope with all my heart that you never hear those words. There is nothing I have ever heard that have crushed me as much as those words. Which, now that I think of it, may be the reason that I'm so scared to go after God. What if he, like so many important people in my life, also says that? It's that stupid battle between the head and the heart. What I know holds no sway over what I feel. I hope that's normal. I'd hate to be the only one who feels this helpless about emotions.
Then it's chorus, alternate chorus, prechorus, bridge, end. In the morning, I'm going to listen to that silly song at full volume. I can't right now cuz it's past midnight.

So... That was fun wasn't it? I wonder, am I living a facade and only really unearth anything when I'm here on my blog, safe from the eyes of the world, or is it here, where I dredge up any potential crap and bring it to fruition? Am I a happy go lucky fun bucket, or a despondent, cynical, and dry man? Or maybe I'm a little of both, and I'm just waiting for someone to crack me. Or maybe... I'm... Batman?

A new way to be human

I just realized that it only takes me about a millisecond to decide on the title of a post, even if I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to talk about! Interesting... Anyways, I've discovered that people tend to think as they talk instead of what I usually try to do, which is have my idea fully thought out before voicing it. However, I now realize that my method doesn't really work all that well for me considering my horrible memory. So I'm going to be trying more to let myself be unsure of my thoughts even as I voice them. This'll be a very odd transition!
Anyways, I was just thinking about something that Rayne and I were talking about last night, namely the idea of people and goodness. The way I look at it is that we are made in God's image, and that image is our spirit or soul. Now that soul is in and of itself good, because it is a reflection of God, who is the very definition of good. Kind of think of a mirror, and stick with me. But Satan comes along and messes up this world, and that ends up dirtying our mirror.
My friend/acquaintance David said that one of the biggest lies that Christians tend to believe is that we are garbage, when in fact we are simply broken. I agree with him, but I also like the idea of a dirty mirror more. But broken makes sense to me too.
I just had a thought. So we're mirrors right? But I wasn't sure how to make that connect with the idea of Christianity as a transformation. But I have an idea. What if our souls become what it is that we point ourselves at. Think of us as mirrors all walking around on the earth. Some of us point at money, some at popularity, some at sex. Now each of these things is good, but because of Satan's meddling we can't have the perfect true goodness in the world, and therefore, pointing ourselves at these things will end up making us a shadow the the true goodness these things are supposed to be.
So what if the transformation of Christianity is God twisting our frames from looking at the things in the world, to instead point towards him. We see the light in the things in the world, and we strive to get it, to feel it, to bring that light into ourselves. We say to God that we can figure out the light ourselves, we can uncover it, we can get that light ourselves, but God says, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIGHT!" It's hard to let God turn our frames because it's too bright, it hurts our eyes.
It's because of God that there is light shining on the things in the world, and maybe another way of looking at it is that all the good things on the earth are mirrors themselves. They have the light shining on them, but they can't reflect it perfectly. They have the grime of corruption on them. Maybe we keep on looking for goodness and light, but we miss the sun.
I need to figure out how to say this better, but I think I like what's coming of this. Good talk. See ya.

Who am I?

I'm 90% sure I did something like this a while ago, but I've been learning a lot about myself recently, so I'm doing it again! Oh! I remember! I was putting down all sorts of things that I like about myself! Okay, well I'm going to be doing that, but more just looking objectively rather than just what I like. I've been sort of rediscovering myself and it's pretty darn exciting, and also incredibly frustrating and scary. Not scary as in fear, but scary in that I've discovered things that I don't like. But this will hopefully help me to better see and understand those things, which will help me out in the long run! Here we go.

First I am a thinker. I absolutely love thinking, wondering, contemplating, and mulling things over. However this has recently been brought so far to the forefront of myself that I've lost a part of me that I used to really treasure. Well, not lost, but I haven't used it in a very long time. Namely, that thing is my excellent observation. I've always loved observing people and how they react to situations, and I've used that to decide how I'd react to things and to better understand why people do the things they do. But increasingly lately I've been far more interested in abstract things. And the more time I've devoted to thinking about ideas and concepts, the less I've been able to observe people. I still can do it, I know because I was still able to recognize signs in Grace and my relationship, but I didn't devote as much energy into understanding it as I did with other things. So I guess what I need to work on is learning to balance the two. Realizing when it's time to watch and listen, and then when it's time to think and contemplate. Check.

I am incredibly passionate. In fact, I see more passion in me than I do in a lot of people. What I am most passionate for is the truth. I strive in all that I do to reveal some truth to every person I meet. This is why I'm so excited to become a teacher. Sharing with others the amazing discoveries that I've made is probably my very greatest joy. And something new that I've become passionate for is freedom. I've always seen this lack in myself and people around me, but it wasn't until just recently that I've realized what it was that I was looking at. It wasn't until recently that I've had a taste of freedom and I want to share it with absolutely everyone. My current quest to learn about forgiveness has been fueled by my passion for freedom. So yeah. I like that about me, and I hope that my strong passion continues to fuel my actions.

I am loyal to a fault. Once I've decided to connect to someone, I will stand by them come hell or high water. Unfortunately this has recently become a point of incredible pain for me. The loyalty of my heart has been at war with the logic and practicality of my mind. But even despite that I love this part of me. I feel like it is rare to find in the world someone who will remain faithful in all situations. I know full well that it isn't incredibly rare, as I do know a few people with this quality, but I am very glad to be able to count myself among them. If you are my friend, you are my friend forever. No getting out of it! Well, at least not if I can help it.

I am curious. This may seem a little boring and unremarkable, but it's a part of me that I treasure. My constant thirst for knowledge and understanding is a big part of why I relate with people so well. I genuinely want to know and understand people, so I always ask questions, which is a very attractive quality. My questions show my care I like to say. In fact, the best way to tell if I care about something is to see if I ask any questions about it. Apparently though, this can be overwhelming. But I've only had one person ever tell me that, so I'm not sure if that's necessarily true... Whatever. My curiosity fuels my knowledge, which fuels my passion for teaching, so it works out very well!

The last thing for today is something that I didn't actually realize until I was told by a whole bunch of people at once. It is that I am great at sharing joy. I think the reason I didn't really realize this is because when I'm not actively interacting with people I usually am thinking about more serious things. Again, I don't spend as much time analyzing interactions now as I used to, so when I'm investing in my thoughts it's usually about more somber matters, so I don't think much about the silliness that is so inherent in me. I remember that a while ago I said that my very favorite thing to do is to make people laugh. It's still true, and I still act in the same way, but I just haven't put my mind into it as much lately. So I guess I don't really need to work on this, cuz I'm so good at it without even realizing it, so I'm glad for that!

I have a few other things to add to the list, but I haven't had time to think on them yet, so I'll save them for another time. But I like what I have so far! So far they're all positive things, but I do have at least one specific thing that I need to work on. But that's for another time! Good night!

The Vow

As you may have gathered from the title, I just watched the movie The Vow. Let me just say that the amount of thinking this has caused me to do is exactly what makes me love and adore theatre more than anything! The basic plot of the movie is that a man and his wife get into a car accident and the girl (who's name I completely forget unsurprisingly) loses her memory of all of the time she has ever known her husband. So the movie is mostly him trying to get her to fall in love with him again. I really loved that it wasn't just all him being sappy and lovey dovey and it just all being okay. She doesn't remember him and he knows everything about her. And he can't just tell her because she's scared and doesn't know what her life is. He can't freak her out more and she can't love the guy that she's supposed to love. But he kept it up. He did absolutely everything he could think of and more to remind her why she loved him. He gave up everything that he had to try and win her back. He had to give up living with her, kissing her, saying he loves her. I can't even imagine what that would be like and I just saw it! There's a bit of a plot twist at the end, which I won't give away, but basically he knows something that she doesn't, and she finds out and asks him why he didn't tell her. And the reason is because he wanted her to be happy even more than he wanted her to love him back. He did give everything he had for her. And the most powerful part of the movie for me was when he recognized that he wasn't what she needed right then, and let her go. He loved her so much that he gave up her love for him just so she could be happy.
And now the thinking part! Watching pretty much any piece of theatre is cause for the question, "What would I do in that situation?" And the frustrating discovery that I would have given up long before him. That I want to be loved so bad that I would maybe destroy something else. The terrible discovery that I don't love as fiercely as this character. That I still don't really know what love is. That I still don't know how to love. And the realization that I am still so selfish. I've always known it, but I just keep ending up back at it. I'm so focused on myself all the time. Even when I Do something unselfish I still Think that I would have liked the other option. I very often just do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because I want to. Not even because I want to be good or do the right thing. I just do it. Why does that make sense and not make any sense? I guess what I've learned from this movie is that I have a lot to learn about love. And it is a reinforcement that love really does exist. I've seen it, and some day I'll figure out how to truly love. Here's to that day! Good night.

Quick thought

Just a quick thought before bed. I've been watching a lot of Lie to Me, a tv show about a scientist that studies body language to detect lies. It's really good. You should check it out. But there's this little reoccurring theme about how people never really change. And I was thinking about that and I think that, for the most part, I agree. But then I read David Rae's blog post, and he was talking about miracles. I think that God changing people may just be one of those miracles that everyone always asks of God. Maybe the miracles that Jesus said would surpass his own are the very ones that we Christians are especially gifted to see. At least more often than other people. Maybe God's greatest miracle is enabling us to change who we are. From broken, selfish people into little Christs. That is one crazy big miracle!

Old man winter

Greetings reader base! (I always chuckle when I say something like that!) It is 2:30am and I am completely awake. I was super tired at nine and fell asleep a little before ten (sorry Grace!) and then woke up at about one and have been tossing and turning in bed. I think I'm sick, but I'm not sure. Anyways, I was thinking, as I usually do, and my thoughts drifted towards winter. Now, I don't know if you know this, but winter is my absolute favorite season, which most people find odd, and my girlfriend (it took me five tried to spell that right) really hates winter. So, in order that she may understand me a little better and maybe even share is some of my joy, I wish to address some of my favorite things about winter.

First up is the cold. Now I know for pretty much everyone that this is actually their main reason for disliking the winter, but I see things differently. It does help that I am hot blooded (not in the temper way, but in the temperature way, which I just discovered has the word temper in it. Hmm...) and therefor don't feel the cold as much, but another reason that I really enjoy the cold is that it's kind of a shock to the system. In the summer and in the warm indoors I feel lazy and dopey, and going outside forces my body and my mind to sit up and smell the coffee as it were. Now we all know how I love symbolism, so I also appreciate winter's wake up value in a metaphorical sense. Oftentimes I, as well as others, get really lazy in our lives. Going on without thought or or purpose, and generally being kinda useless. We often need, and in my case sometimes crave, a sudden break in the monotony. A sudden blast of cold air to wake us up. I try to live by the idea that challenges are good, and maybe the wakefulness inspired by the chill of winter allows me to face those challenges. So that, in a nutshell, is why I like the cold.

Secondly, I love the snow. At the beginning of this winter there was pretty much just one snowfall that left anything on the ground and almost all that snow was gone by Christmas. So pretty much as far as the eye could see it was just seas of dead brown grass and gnarly dark trees. This had a major impact on my mood, and so I spent a little time reflecting on it, and this is what I thought. Most people connect winter and death. The spring is the blooming, the summer is the living, and the fall is the beauty of old age (or something like that). I understand that, but I see winter, and especially the snow, in a different light. When I see the snow, I see possibility. I see a giant canvas spread across everything I can see. All of my little world. I can look at the snow on the ground and see the site of a grand castle, or a little cottage, or a snow fort. I can look at a snow capped tree and wonder if it will have apples or a tree-house or cool, intricate leaves. I guess the inner artist I have is just in wonder at all of the possibilities that are there. I appreciate that the summer is the realization of those possibilities and that potential, but to me, that's not the important part. This is the part when my actor side comes in. The discovery is the fun part. The wonder of uncovering a little bit of ground from the snow, of finding a new path to blaze through the trees, of discovering the brightness of Grace's purple coat. The end is great and the end of the show does eventually come, but I always feel like we could have done something different, something better. The snow to me is the possibility of something that we never even dreamed could have happened. Of a summer that we couldn't have even imagined. That is why I love snow.
There are two other things that I want to say about snow, so I will.
Snow also facilitates a few of my favorite activities, namely, skiing, snowboarding, tobogganing, and (in this case winter rather than snow) early evenings for playing games in the dark and cuddling. So there is that.
Also, I connect with the snow a lot. Here's the metaphorical part. I often feel like there are so many things that I have yet to uncover and learn, so many possibilities to realize. Winter, and how it sticks around here in Canada, gives me the opportunity to really dive in to that, the time to search for the meanings and knowledge without having to worry too much about what's off in the future. I know that one day I'll have a family and be a teacher and know more about what I'm talking about in apologetics, and it'll be wonderful. But I need the time to get there. I need the winter so that I actually have the time to plan and work on what I need to know and do and become before the spring comes and my labor comes to fruition.

Thirdly, and I think lastly for tonight, I just want to describe for you what one day in the life of me is like right now. It will probably come across a few of the ideas that I've already said, and maybe come across a few more.
I wake up. It's still a little too early to go to school, so I can just lie in my bed and relax for a bit. Maybe have some breakfast, but probably not. It's time to head out, so I put on my awesome sweater, put on my cool hot pink gloves, wrap my beautiful gray scarf around my neck, and put my wonderful monkey toque on. I step outside into the cold and let it wrap around me for a second before burying myself deeper into my clothes. I then check the wind to see if it'll bee to chilly on my poor fingers to ride my bike that day. I decide and either ride my bike or walk, but today, I walk. I start down the sidewalk and listen to the crunching beat that my shoes make on the snow. I change the beat and compose a new song in my head, sometimes with lyrics, sometimes just humming to myself. I enjoy my music as I walk the first two blocks to school. I then come to an intersection and I look at the different faces in the cars and trucks that pass by, wondering what they're thinking, what their lives are like. I cross the intersection and now I'm walking past an elementary school. I walk to school a later than that school starts, so all the kids are already in classes. I imagine my future. Some day I'll be a teacher, guiding my students in their growth, loving them, and giving them each the love and hunger for knowledge and understanding. I look at the snow in the schoolyard and think, "not yet, but someday." and continue on. I pass a strip mall and remember what I should have done last night with Mobile Marketeer and kick myself a little bit, and work some bits out in my head, and then come to the big intersection before the school. At this crosswalk there are usually a bunch of students waiting to cross and I take some time to observe them. Some just waiting, some shivering, some in huge coats, some in just a jacket. I also notice that 95% of students wear jeans even though they suck in the cold... We then all cross the street and as I walk across the parking lot, I look at all the different vehicles all parked neatly into their rows. I get to school and undo myself from my winter gear and get ready for class. The class is interesting and I learn stuff. After I'm done it's time to head home and sometimes it's getting dark at this point. The dark makes me contemplative, so as I make the journey back to my apartment I think about my day. What I've learned, what I've read in my plethora of books I'm reading, what people have said to me, what the different relationships I have are and how I can work on them. I usually think of calling Grace on my way home, but I usually forget my little earpiece and so I don't. (too cold on the hand) Once I get home I do some homework, play some video games, eat some food, maybe have a friend or two over, and then wait excitedly to see if Grace is up for a conversation tonight. Then it's computer for a few hours and then bed.

So there's more I could probably say about winter, but I'm going to leave it at that for now, being as it is an hour after I started and I think I should probably sleep sometime. So I guess in conclusion I'll just say, I do love old man winter, and I may be turning into him!

Time keeps moving

Hey everyone, I'm finally back for a post! It's certainly been a while and that's kind of what I wanted to talk about. You see, sometimes I forget that time goes on. That things change and things can get better. I don't mean that I actually was thinking "man time just doesn't go like it used to", just that I forgot. I had my last day at BPs yesterday (again...) and I was actually really surprised about it. I remember thinking that it would take forever to actually get to the end of this part of my journey, and then all of a sudden it's here. It was really an encouragement for me, I mean, I hated working at BPs, and I was wanting to go to school and be excited, but it just seemed to me like it would never come. But now I re-realize that even if I'm in a spot I really don't want to be, things will eventually change, which may suck a bit, but really it's a good thing. I used to love working at BPs, but by the end I just wanted more than anything to get out. I loved being at college, but by the end I just wanted to get on with the rest of my life. I guess the only thing that I really do wish wouldn't change is some of the relationships I've forged over the years. I'm probably not going to see Meaghan again, Carsyn and I don't really talk anymore, Lizzy and I get along well, but it's just hard to get to see each other, but I can now think of all the new relationships that I'm going to be making at school. All the new classmates and teachers and actually a lot of people that I know from church and school. You know, I think that must be one of the most important things about marriage. That you have that one relationship that remains constant. I don't mean the dynamics won't change, but it's a relationship that you'll always get to have and look forward to. So I guess I'll just tell time to bring it on! I'm ready for it!

The art of being happy

There really is an art to it isn't there. It just naturally flows with some people, and for some people it seems like it takes an arm and a leg for just a smile. I think I'm almost starting to move towards that second one. Not completely by any stretch of the imagination but I find more and more that I struggle to remain positive, much less happy. It sort of struck me as I was walking home from a games night thing. It was kinda fun and I had enjoyed it and it was great to actually be around people, but I still felt lonely. I have such a hard time finding that connection, that real, firm connection that is the bond for a really good friendship. So as I was walking I was thinking about how I couldn't shake this loneliness even when I was around people so I couldn't really be all that happy, and then I started thinking about what really makes me happy. It only took a second for me to figure out that I am the most happy when I can make someone I am really close to laugh. I think that's one of the reasons I love Carsyn and Lizzy so much, just because even though we're close I still have a really easy time making them laugh. I don't know why, but a lot of the people that I get closer to I also find it harder and harder to make them laugh. Hmm... I think that's something that I'm going to have to mull over a bit more before I make anything from it. Anyways, those are just some cursory thoughts that I had. Possibly more later and, knowing me, possibly not. Good night!

A little thing called love

Well, to start I'd like to apologize to myself for not sticking to my commitment of at least one post a month. I will still try to stick to that though, so don't you be going anywhere!

It all started when I decided to read David's blog. It'd been a really long time since I'd checked on his blog (or mine) so I went to pay a visit. (why is it called "paying" a visit?) The first post I read was about inspiration. I love how he said that anything can inspire you. You can have your favorites, but everything has the potential to be an inspiration to someone. His first example was the wind, which I find ironic because I hate the wind. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with irony but whatever. It just makes me cold and want to go inside or just behind a bush or something. Whatever. The next thing was airports. I think that is probably one of the coolest things ever! I mean, who would think to go to something that is a breeding ground for stress and aggravation and be inspired. It really made me want to go sit in an airport for a while. People are so facinating. Every single one totally different from the other, but everyone have so much in common. Everyone has their stresses and joys and ways of dealing with both, everyone has the triggers but all are different. Different colors, different shapes, different smiles, different. Now that I think on it, I don't know how well I would fare in an airport. I guess I could suppress my caring and just watch. It's interesting, whenever I start to really look at someone, to really listen, I can't help but, I don't really know the word, ache? yearn? feel? I want so desperately for everything to be okay. It's so disappointing that I can't ever do that. I think that's why David troubles me so much. I couldn't figure him out. Still can't. I have to know what's going on and do everything I can to fix it. So I tried. But both him and I were too scared. I know how scared I was. All this acting thing was beating my defences and I didn't know if I could handle someone as much as him. By much I mean confusing, agrivating, uplifting, inspiring, irritating, and scared. How could I deal with that? I couldn't deal with that in myself and frankly, it hasn't gotten much better. But I've learned something, it's somthing that he mentioned in the next post that I read, it was connection. I wrote a monologue trying to figure out why I do what I do, and a big part of what I do is connect. And that is the reason for it. I think of connection as the joining of two souls in simple understanding. Of being able to look at them and say "I get that, I understand, you're not alone". I've found a little bit over the last year, actually for a long time but I've just figured out what it was, that it is that understanding, that camraderie, that can keep me going.

I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but don't worry, I'll be back. Megan, for such a long time I've wanted to ask "why are you so afraid to trust people?". It actually hurts. I know what it's like to not trust anyone, to not let anyone in, and you know what? It's not worth it. I have the same problem. I've picked the wrong people to really trust and I've gotten burned for it. So much that I never want to open up to anyone ever again. But what is the purpose of anything if it isn't shared? What is the point of the life that is lived alone? There is no point in it. I know there are good people who are worthy of trust. I've seen them. I know that there is a God who is trustworthy, and maybe that's where you have the advantage over me. I hope you have that. I know how awesome it is to have that friend. I just lost him and I don't know how to get him back. Don't try to keep yourself from all harm because there is nothing as destructive as nothing. There is no safety away from connection. There is no purpose only from yourself. It is the little connections that I've made on the way that keep me going. I get so scared when you decide to just stay by yourself when everyone else goes out. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to happen a lot. I know I do the same thing sometimes. I try and get away from the hurt of people around. It's the fear that hurts. But how much better it is when I do go out, and every so often make a connection. I don't want you to starve for a real, true connection.

So, David, that is my answer to what I think connection is. It may be wrong, but it makes sense to me. But anyways, the second post that I read was a story. It was a story that I found interesting because I imediately thought, "oh! He finally posted a story! And it's not about him so it must be one of his stories." I know that he has become quite the avid writer, and I really wanted to get a feel for his style. I couldn't connect with the story too well at first, but gradually it changed into a story that I could really truly understand. I could understand the conflict if not the situation, but then this character went to college. Made a connection, made a friend, and then lost her. I love how he worded her, "with Shannon everything was in the right context to be a good thing." I could feel just from that short piece what she was to him. I lost that girl too. The person that, no matter what was happening, it was good. I might have sucked, it might have been painful, but it was good. It was that connection that I'd been looking for my whole life, and then it was gone within a week. Almost without getting to say goodbye. Life is brutal sometimes. And then his roommate. The guy's roommate kinda sounds like a basket case to me! But I guess they were good together. I don't know how much good actually came out of it, but it's an experience not to ever be forgotten. I hope on both sides. I remember being roommates with David. It was all of those things I mentioned earlier, but one thing I didn't mention. I miss him. As much as I want to forget him sometimes, and as jealous as I get when all the girls get on thier weepy "oh I miss David so much" parties, I miss him so much too. I'm not totally sure why. No, I know why. It's because he is a part of me. Together we mourned, created, and tried to make the other one break. It's because of the connection every time we hugged or snuggled or smiled. It was the unspoken and deeply buried sameness we had. That understanding. I want to see just how far he's gone from that point, how much he's learned, and I want to show him what I am now, who I am. I miss him, because in him was that part of me that I didn't want to see, but was forced to look at every day. I know I grew from that, and I guess I can only hope he did too. But back to the story, he then has a life changing encounter. One of those that only happens a few times. One of the times when someone asks you "how are you doing" and you answer. I can't imagine how freeing that is. I hope I'll find out someday. And then the story ends on a bit of a cliff hanger as the character heads of into "some Arabian country". I really hope that David'll continue this story. I think it's definitely one worth telling. It makes me kind of laugh, the character keeps on going back to a pessimistic view, even after some really cool things happen. Sure they ended, but the story isn't done yet. I hope that he can learn to treasure the beautiful things he comes across. I hope I can do that too. Thanks Dave. Love you.

Why do men fight? What do they fight for? Is it for the families and countries that they love? Do they even know what it means to love? Is it just to run away from the pain of all the failings that we cannot face? Is it a desperate cry to God to come and take away all that is in us and to leave us bare of all the turmoil of the world? Or is it truly for freedom that we fight? Is it truly for honor and love and justice? Is man really even able to tell? But what is a war? Is it the flailing of a country fighting to survive or simply greed for what we don't have and others do? Is there anything that is big enough to quench that thirst? Anything that tries to fill that vast void is simply swallowed and the search continues for the next big thing. So are we really looking for that thing that is big enough? That thing that can fill us? Is that why we fight? For truth, justice, greed, power, and the almighty stuff. It's kinda funny then that the very thing that we fight and die for is the thing that is so obvious if we simply stop and look. Look at the mountains, the colors in the sky, the tiny things that grow in the dirt, the humans themselves, as fallible as they are. It all screams the scream of a creator. I choose to call him God. I think that this crazy creator guy might be able to fill that void. I know that He can in me, because I felt it before. I let Him slip away because I was afraid that He would fill the void so much that He might just fill me until there was nothing left of me. That He might fail just like everything else I know. That He might crush me. Or even see my own failings. And so that is why I fought, and why I still fight. I fight to hide. To stay hidden from God, from people, from anyone that could notice I'm not perfect. Not even good. So it really is a fight for something bigger, but just not quite so observant. Unfortunately I know there isn't anything. So why do I still fight? Is it hope? Is that just a blatant disrespect for the word? Why can't I accept my crap? That I suck. That I can't do it. Not even a little? Is it really my dad? Is it really you? Have I always seen you as infallible to the point that I must be in order to even be worth being called your son? Or am I just trying to place the blame on shoulders that are seperate from mine? Am I really that selfish? The short answer is yes, but is that it? There's so much that I used to have. That I used to love about myself. Now I don't even care. I know I can't be good, so why do I even try? Why do I even fight? What's the point really? I know I was never good enough for my dad, so why should I be good enough for God? Why would you do something so idiotic as to accept me? The real me. Not the fake me fighting to be what I used to be, but the piece of crap me right now. You shouldn't have done that. I don't know if I believe in love big enough for that. I don't. Oh...