Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

To God, with love

Dear God,
Thank you so much for my amazing friends! I always seem to forget just how awesome the people you've put in my path and my life are! I'm so blessed with the encouragement and love that I've been constantly given by literally everyone I know. I find it so hard to believe that I miss that! God, I'm so grateful to you. I have no idea what I'd be if it weren't for the awesome people you've given me. I pray that you will remind me over and over how much I love those people, and to tell them and show them that fact. And God, I want to thank you for letting me be a blessing to my friends too. You know I once asked that you'd let me be an influence on someone's life so that I'd be able to see the difference, and you gave me that, and you just let me glimpse it again! Thank you that I can be a blessing to people that I don't even realize. I pray that you'd help me to be more mindful of how I treat people. Thank you that you've given me the gift of joy. Even when I don't feel it you let me spread it. What a gift! God, even though I don't think much of myself, I thank you that you do. Thank you for caring even when I don't. For not giving up even when I do. For being there even when I don't want you to be. I suck at feelings but you even let me feel you sometimes. Just a glimpse, but it's enough. I pray that you would remind me of that. I don't want to miss out on you!
Thank you God.
Amen

Introspection

Greetings dear internet friends. It's yet another night on yet another day. Again. So... Fuck me.

Let's expand on that shall we?

What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?

Dear God,

Hey there. It's been a little while, sorry about that. But you know how I am. Always try to figure things out by myself first. But I have a prayer. I need your strength. I'm strong, but I know I'll never be strong enough. I pray that you would give me the strength, endurance, and courage to face the challenges that I'll be facing soon. I pray that you remind me that I am living for you now. I know that I'll hate it sometimes. I'm so stubborn, but it's all your own fault! God, grant me the grace to forgive anything, and the humbleness to realize that it's not just me. I pray that you would point out to me my own faults because I'm often so blind of myself that I miss what is so obvious. But mostly I pray for courage. For the courage to face any and all of the people that will shout at me that I'm wrong, that I'm a freak. I know that I'm often full of myself and won't even consider that I might be wrong. I pray that you will be the one who shows me what is right. God, I am so so scared of what you're going to do and what you are doing to me. I'm terrified that I'll lose my control over myself and my life. I'm scared of the overflowing passion. I like my safe, sturdy passion. I like my safe, sturdy self. But you have such great plans for me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. I pray that I can share those plans with the people around me. I do love a good plan! Thank you so much for the people you've put into my life. I sometimes forget about them, but they really are a blessing. I've seen so much lately how you've blessed me. You've blessed me with money in the nick of time, with a wonderful house (though a bit crowded with all the animals...), with people that I know will support me no matter what. With a family that loves me and would step out of their comfort zones to try to understand this crazy me. But most of all I thank you for the wonderful combination you've put in me of resilience and forgiveness. Much as I've tried, I can't hold a grudge. And I know that people will take advantage of that, but that's what the resilience and people and family is for right? And finally, thank you for Batman. He's awesome.