It's been another year. A really odd year. I can't quite describe how out of the ordinary it was. It's like every part of my life that I've spent more than a decade working on and building all got thrown out the window seemingly for nothing. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but what the crap was all that? I thought I was moving in the right direction, thought God was leading me to Calgary, to new opportunities, new relationships, new joys. Instead I mostly just got really really really lonely. Sara was a welcome respite in that, one that I selfishly took advantage of. I've a new appreciation of my own depravity. My selfishness, lies, manipulations, faithlessness, and duplicity. My selfishness lead to harming possibly my favorite relationship I've ever been in. Sara was incredible. She kept me sane during insane work hours, long long weeks, and stressful trip planning. She was so much of what I could possibly hope for. Fun, funny, incredibly gorgeous, smart, outspoken, a board gamer, caring, a great cook, thoughtful, always looking for adventure. I learned and grew a lot from her. And I screwed it all up. The start of the relationship was rocky. She's not a Christian, so I didn't want to introduce her to my friends and family because I didn't want any of them to tell me no. That this was a bad idea. That we'd butt heads about really important things. But I didn't care. I was lonely. That insipid killer, loneliness. I felt like life was just... drudgery. Day after day after day. No hope. She gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was actually good enough to be with someone as wonderful as her. I hurt her. I was the monster. I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship, but this time I was the heart breaker. It's not easier on the other side. It's not nice to look at yourself and groan. Sure she hurt me back. I'm in so much pain right now. But I started it. I just wish I could talk to her. We could figure out anything if we talked face to face. Anything. And we had. Sure, we didn't always reach a conclusion, but we pushed through and knew that we were on each other's team. I won't pretend that I was willing to be all in, but things were really good. We had a lot of fun together. We cared deeply for one another. At least I thought we did. Maybe I just hurt her too bad. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to figure things out. I just don't understand... She knows I'm garbage at texting. I told her that I couldn't fight over text. It was too hard. I couldn't make myself clear. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't use the intonation to show that no matter what I was on her side. I think I screwed up in what I texted to her. She asked me to tell her her faults, and after confirming she really wanted me to, I did. I mirrored back the places she had told me she was broken. Past relationships, self worth, self image. She blew up at me. Called me names, of all things. I didn't know how to react. If we were talking we could have figured it out. I'm simultaneously terrified and furious. Why be mad at me for what she asked for? Why blow up about things that she had said? Because I listened to her? Because we weren't together anymore so I wasn't supposed to remember? What if I lose her forever? Last year she was the best thing in my life. Now she's gone. Maybe not forever, but she was so angry. So hurt. I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could be honest and open with each other. Where we'd be there for each other no matter what. We both said those words. That we'd be there for each other. Why would she lie? I know she didn't mean to, that she meant it in the moment, but isn't the whole point of being a man or woman of your word to have what you say matter? What you promise? Well, I guess I'm not one to talk. I lied and hid to everyone else in my life. I'm no better. I'm worse. She at least tried. I'm trying now. I've told everyone everything. Begged forgiveness for my lies. Now I just hope I can ask her forgiveness too. I desperately hope for it. I desperately hope that this wasn't all for nothing. That I didn't lose one of the best things in my life. It just HURTS. I cried so hard for so many days. I just don't understand. 2024 has been really rough so far. There is hope on the horizon, but it's such a long way off. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep struggling towards it. I know that the next six days will be better. The next six weeks will be better. The next six months will be better. I just can't see that in there here and now. I feel hopeless. We'll see.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, January 12
Wednesday, October 3
Get it off my chest
I'm mad. That's a very very unusual emotion for me, but there it is. I'm mad because I'm hurt. And the only other alternative that I feel like I have is to feel despair. Reminds me of the line from Good Enough by the Vocal Few. "All that you've learned from love is that you weren't good enough."
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...
I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.
I'm mad because I don't know what happened. The only thing that I keep coming back to is that I still am not good enough. What else do I have to go on? Going from Friday "I love doing life stuff with you", "You are so good at supporting me and making me feel safe", "You make me feel amazing", "I look forward to marrying you and having sex with you." to distant, distant, distant, WHAM. Your dreams are stupid, I don't support you, I hate that you're intentional and not messing around.
No warning. No buildup. Nothing. From perfect to gone. From joy to despair. Why? WHY?
And I can't even get a resolution. I've tried, but you've completely cut me. From love to nothing. Literally that Friday you said you love me. Literally from love to gone. WHY???
It disturbs me the speed with which I've been severed from your life.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. This is the one relationship where I actually had the right mentality, where I actually was willing to move forward and fight. The one relationship where I didn't screw it up. At least I didn't feel like I screwed it up. The only thing I can think of is not explaining sooner my calling in life. I didn't open up right away because I knew how hard it was to understand and I wasn't confident enough in my ability to explain it. So I left it to Josh. But apparently that didn't help. You still have absolutely no clue whatsoever about what I care about and why. You seem to have been talking to someone who also has absolutely no clue what I care about and why because you had some incredibly ignorant and aggressive questions. And I don't mean ignorant in a derogatory way, I just mean it in the sense that it literally means. Questions that showed you didn't know what you were asking. I'm fine with ignorance, God knows I have a lot of it. But I hate willful ignorance. You should have talked to me. About anything. Anything at all. But you didn't. You led me from one of the happiest places in years to despair. And you have the gall to tell me that you feel like this is the right thing. I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! I don't for a second want to be with you again, but you should have talked to me. Figured things out with me. It would have ended and that's fine, but you wouldn't have killed me inside. I don't want to see you and have to choose to either feel the hurt or fight it off with anger. I've done apathy before and I never will again. I've grown too much and been way too far down that path. So I feel like all I'm left with is despair or anger. What a choice. I pray for peace or for reconciliation, but it looks like the latter will never happen. So I hope for peace. One month down...
I've learned too much to fall for the lie you believe. I've learned that if everyone in the world says something, the truth is almost always the exact opposite. The world says get a good education and get a good job.
I look at that and think about my family. I think about how incredibly grateful I am that my mom homeschooled me until high school. The influence she was able to have in my life has shaped me in ways far beyond what I understand. But the price to be paid was that dad was at work all the time. All the time. Sixty to seventy hours a week, with home work in the evenings and sometimes the weekends. Literally the only memories I have of my dad as a kid are bad. I remember him rolling his eyes when he saw Luke and I playing lego pretend together. I remember crying because mom couldn't teach me a math problem so dad had to do it. Him being grumpy because he's tired from work and getting so mad that his stupid son can't figure out this simple math problem. I don't know my dad. I love him because he's worked hard for our family. But I don't know him. I know he likes cars, I know he likes classic rock, I know he's good with finances and numbers. I know he makes me feel like an idiot and a failure whenever we have a real conversation. That's it. I Refuse to be that to my kids. Dad did the absolute best he could with what he knew, I know that for certain. But I don't want that written on my tombstone. "He did the best he knew how." I've found a way that I can give my family a better life. A way that I can be a part of my family instead of just a distant benefactor.
I look at that and think about the number one and number two reasons couples fight. The first is over money, because we are taught that a "good job" provides lots of it, and we need to use it. So we make stupid emotional decisions that lead us to anger. I don't want that. So the world's solution is just to get an even better job with more responsibilities and status, or to work longer hours, get that overtime. But that leads to the second problem. Fighting over not spending enough time with them, whether that be kids or spouse or whatever. My coworker is currently getting a divorce for exactly this reason. The husband got a great job as a trucker with way better money and benefits, but then they never saw each other and the relationship dwindled to nothing. I don't want that. So I know what I don't want, and it's what the world offers on a nice easy to understand platter. Yech.
It makes me think about my calling. I have been called to be a teacher, and more recently I've been seeing more and more a calling to leadership as well. So I can take the world's advice and get a good education to become a teacher. But then I have someone else running my life. Someone else telling me when to get up and when to go home, telling me what I can and can't say to my students, telling me that I have to spend time outside of school away from my family, telling me how much I'm worth, telling me when I'm allowed to go to the washroom and when I am not. I dream of finding people who want to grow, and giving them the tools to do so. I dream of leading people to Christ, and not having someone hold my finances in threat against it, I dream of having deep conversations about anything and everything. About pouring myself into people who want to receive. I dream of the day I can be a part of a family and live life with my wife, and not live as a roommate with someone I can have sex with. I have been called to change the world. How can I do that if I'm not allowed to do or say what God asks me to do and say? How can I do that if I can't focus my energy into what actually matters? How can I do that if someone else picks over what I do and say, who can throw me to the wolves?
No one can serve two masters, yet I am living as if that's not true. I follow God, but ultimately, Ray controls most of my life. He tells me when I can wake up and when I can go home. He tells me what I'm worth. I will not live a life of quiet desperation. I have found a way to fight and win. I have mentors who have fought and won. I have embers deep inside that God placed in me. I will not be denied.
Friday, March 11
Turmoil in paradise
So here's the problem. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. But. At least from the last time I talked with her I discovered that my throat starts to seize up when I started trying to confront this problem. What is this problem you ask? You see, she's married, but going through a divorce, and is now living with her new boyfriend, who just got her pregnant. Never mind that she didn't tell me that she got pregnant. I found that out from another friend, who playfully said, "oh, but you probably already knew that!" I haven't felt so crushed since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. I can't even describe... And it wasn't even until last month, which means that I am most likely the last person in her life that heard the news. I get why she did it kinda. I mean, she didn't want me to be all disappointed or something. That would probably have been pretty hard on her. I mean, I'm her best friend. What I think matters. Frick. Well apparently I am minding that, so sue me. But back to the problem. She told me that she and him 'decided' to have a child together because they're running out of time to build a family (which is bullshit) and that it was hard to fight against the temptation, and it just felt right. But when you're faced with temptation, you don't just fall into it, you run from it. Get out! And I've been dealing with a few mormons for a while now, and the most frustrating thing about the situation is that they are so driven by emotion and feelings! "You just need to read the Book of Mormon with a true heart and then pray, and you'll feel that it's true. You'll know." THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. Christianity and the Bible teaches that we can know what's right and true by READING THE BIBLE. It is our final authority. It in fact teaches in Jeremiah that the heart is desperately wicked. Desperately. Do you understand what that means? That means that it will take every single chance to push to wickedness. That feelings are almost the opposite of what we should be looking to. Huh. Apparently I'm also really frustrated with the mormons. Good to know. But anyways. I know that we are supposed to correct each other as brother and sister in the Lord. We are told that we need to keep each other accountable and to lovingly point out where we need to pay attention to our sin and work together to fix it. And from the sound of it, no one in her life is telling her that what she's doing is so so wrong. But I'm terrified to confront her on it. I confronted her before with her husband before they got married. Ironically in almost the exact same situation. And I hurt her. I failed in my love. I couldn't figure out how to communicate in a way that was loving and truthful. I've always been good at truth. I'm smart. But I suck when it comes to emotions, and love has a lot of emotions as part of it. So I don't want to hurt her again. Because it hurts me. Sigh... The worst thing is that I don't have a solution for her. Because now everything is more complicated with a kid and another one on the way. I don't know what the right answer is. I think I know the wrong answer, but I feel like that's not good enough. I don't want to screw with her life, but I feel like I can't sit by and say nothing. I'm supposed to be her best friend. We should be able to talk about anything, to say anything, and know that we're on each other's team. I want her to know that I'm behind her, but I can't agree with her current choice. And I want that to be okay. I miss her so badly. I miss having someone that I can talk about the hard things with. Heck, I miss having someone around that's less broken than I am.
Wednesday, December 4
A fine night fight
Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?
The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.
I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?
The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.
I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?
Sunday, May 26
Introspection
Greetings dear internet friends. It's yet another night on yet another day. Again. So... Fuck me.
Let's expand on that shall we?
What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?
Let's expand on that shall we?
What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?
Thursday, April 4
simply being loved
Ah life. I still swear in my head a lot... I should really be working on Astronomy. Or drama. Or memorizing. Or writing up QR codes.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.
Wednesday, March 6
It's like a rock
Well, this sucks. So, you know how when you compare your problems to someone else's, and then you feel like a complete tool because your problems aren't as bad? But then again, sometimes they are just as bad for you because you're just different from the other people and so are vulnerable to different things... Anyways, Rayne just lost another relative. That makes five in the last four months. That's rough. That's a real problem. But here I am, completely debilitated by my own stupid problems. It seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong.
Also, since Love List, I swear like an angry sailor in my head.
Also, since Love List, I swear like an angry sailor in my head.
Thursday, January 31
Another sleepless night with Ryan
Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!
Saturday, April 21
Feel free to skip
Greetings everyone! This is just going to be a nonsense post because I want to write a post and I have for a while, but I haven't had something that I really wanted to write about. So I'm just gonna start and then finish later. Cuz that's how it usually goes. Hmm... I really miss Lizzy. I haven't seen her in a very long time and I just miss her. I think it's cuz we think so much alike. We were like brother and sister in college. I really miss that, but now it's distance and you know how much trouble I have with that... I really hate distance. It makes me miss out on my love languages and I can't use what I usually do to express my love. I think I usually express with words of affirmation, which I guess can work long distance, but it really isn't the same, and also gifts. I really like giving gifts. But again it's just not the same. Sometimes it sucks being an actor. It's so hard to communicate without being present. When you're talking to someone in the same room you can have long non-awkward pauses, you can take cues from facial expressions, you can communicate with more than just boring old words. Which is another thing that I've been frustrated with lately. I've been feeling lots of stuff, but I just haven't been able to figure out how to express it. Words are just so useless sometimes. They just aren't powerful enough. Maybe that's because we exaggerated so much that when something truly stunning or amazing or terrible happens, we've run out of the really strong words to describe it, so all we have left is adding lots of "really, really..."s. Lame. I still don't have a job. Which is frustrating, but David just dropped off my resume at Marble Slab and put in a good word for me, so I'm not too worried. Although I still need the money for rent on May 1st, so with the way things are looking I'm gonna have to ask dad for money again. I really want to sarcastically say "Thanks God" but I don't even know if I expected him to do anything. I dunno. Faith is really hard right now. Just not having any feeling to it and reading the Bible is getting really dry. I was thinking about getting baptized but I'm just not sure what the point is. I think Grace agrees with me on that. She didn't seem to care too much when I told her I was thinking about it. But she's dealing with something, I have no idea what, so I guess it might just be that. We've not been seeing eye to eye lately, and I'm wondering if her feeling whatever it is she's feeling is what's making it seem so bad. I'm not feeling it right now, but I was really angry (see, it's a really) at Grace. We were talking about politics of all things, and I mentioned that Wildrose is the only party that isn't specifically pro abortion. And then Grace just replied that that wasn't really all that important to her. It was really devastating actually. And that's not an exaggeration. I just felt so completely alone. I mean, every one of my friends here, with the single exception of Michelle who I barely ever see, is not a christian, and it just felt like I had lost my last bit of support. I mean, isn't that what being in a relationship is all about? Being there for each other, supporting each other? I guess I can't really get mad that she thinks something different than me, I mean it's bound to happen and it's not like she betrayed me or anything. No. You know what? It's not that she disagreed with me. We've disagreed before and dealt with it. It's that she didn't care about something that is so important. Especially now. I mean, she is the last person in the world that I would expect to have a secular worldview and she does! I mean, the Bible clearly teaches that murder is wrong and there isn't really all that much more to say! I mean, God directly saying something seems to be clear enough to me! And on that note, why are you so condoning, more than that, encouraging of homosexuality? Again, God very clearly, very directly says that it is a sin and that we aren't to encourage sin! If you disagree with God then why the hell would you call yourself a Christian? Isn't the very definition being a follower of Christ? A follower of God? You're not following him! You are saying something directly in opposition to him. That seems to me to be the very opposite of Christianity. I know that we discussed homosexuality before, and I completely forget what was said, so I think we'll have to do that again, and here's the thing. I really wish I didn't care about this as much as I do. I really wish that I could just let you be wrong, but I can't. God has given me a passion for the truth and when I know what the truth is I need for you to hear it and understand it and agree with it. And I know that I don't know everything, but I do know some things and I do know what I'm talking about now. And feel free to completely disregard everything I'm saying here, but if you do, know that you are disregarding a foundation of who I am. I'm sorry. Just a few notes on abortion before I move on to something unimportant and that doesn't make my stomach sick. I looked up the stats, and found that 42 million abortions are performed every year. That's 115,000 a week or about 16,000 every single day. The second world war was only able to claim 60 million lives in six years. That is terrible. But with abortions we've managed to have a genocide of 252 million babies in the same stretch of time. And it doesn't even phase people. That is truly terrifying. You mentioned that they weren't really even people, but then I would like to ask, what exactly are they? I can tell you that they definitely aren't pigs. They're not dogs, cats, or any other kind of animal. They're human. They're fetuses, then babies, then kids, then adults, then elders. It doesn't suddenly transform into a human being. It's not like it's something inside the womb and then suddenly at birth it instantly transforms into something else. Location, location, location is not the word. I can't see how you can't see. Now I'm done.
So, to get myself out of this bad mood I've gotten myself into, I want to talk about League of Legends. It's a game that I've been playing a lot now that classes are over and I have no job, and I love it. Which is good, because otherwise I think I would go nuts. Anyways it's an Action RTS game (that's Real Time Strategy) in which you and four other people team up together and duke it out against another team of either five other people or computer players. The goal of the game is to destroy the other team's nexus with each team having one on either side of the map. There are three paths connecting the two nexuses and each path is guarded by three towers for each side. The towers deal a ton of damage to the Champions (players) and so you need to destroy them with the help of your minions, little weak computer controlled guys that are really only good for a meat shield. The minions can't be commanded and they just blindly walk along their path until they come across an enemy and then they attack it. So what you have to do is destroy the enemy's minions so that you can follow your minions along to the enemy tower, where you can hammer away at it, while your minions take all the tower's attacks. Defeating minions also gives you gold, so it's a main part of playing the game. Each person playing chooses a Champion and each Champion has something that they specialize in. There are five main types of champions with I shall explain now. If you are still reading this you either really think I'm interesting, or are just as much of a game design freak as I am. Purple Monkey Dishwashers. Anyways, the five types are Tank, Carry, Support, Jungler, and Off-tank. Gotta poo. Be right back. Back! A Tank's job is to stay alive for a long time and keep the other's teams attention. As such, they have tons of health and armor, and they try to stay out in front of their team and be the first to charge in and cause some chaos. The Carry's job is to deal tons of damage. As such they focus on building up their attack and magic damage and not any defensive items. So the Tank protects them. But if they get caught alone by a few enemies, they'll die in a few seconds if they're not careful. The Support is the most interesting and hardest type of Champion, and as such is the one that I am most determined to perfect. Their job is to support the team in any way they can. So that means speeding up their team, slowing down the other team, being able to place wards so they can see when an enemy tries to sneak up on the Carry, and to build items that grant bonuses to their teammates. They usually aren't all that strong, but they are very important because they can tip the balance just a little in the charge and with a few well placed disables. Very tricky. The next is the Jungler! The Jungler is my second favorite, and their job is to be sneaky and do ganks (a quick kill with another teammate). They're called the Jungler because in between the three paths there is a jungle, and in the jungle there are neutral monsters and some of which grant bonuses when defeated. The Jungler usually runs around in there and, since he's already running around so much, helps out on any of the paths (aka lanes) that needs some help. The Jungler is usually quite fast and able to heal himself since he doesn't have any backup. He is the backup basically. And last is the Off-tank. The off-tank's job is to be in between the attack of the Carry and the health of the Tank. They basically make up for whatever the team is lacking in. They're the Jack-of-all-Trades. They're fun because they can deal some pretty good damage, but won't be completely screwed if caught out by themselves. Alrighty! Now that I've told you about the types of Champions, I'm going to tell you about the Champions that I usually play as. Since you usually don't get to chose your teammates, you have to be able to play more than one type of character. Otherwise you'll have a team made completely of Carries that will kill two enemies very very fast and then all die. So, I've been playing as Anivia, who is a Carry/Support, Ryze, who is a Carry, Warwick, who is a Jungler/Off-tank, Janna and Soraka, who are both Support, and my current favorite, Singed, who is a Tank/Off-tank. As you can see, a few of the champions can play two different rolls, depending on what items you build and what skills you level up. Each champion has four skills and a passive ability. As the game goes on, your Champion will level up and you can increase the levels of your skills and spend the money made by defeating minions and Champions on items. And now I shall describe in detail each of the Champions I like to play! Isn't this just so much fun? I'm having fun!
First, Anivia. Anivia is a flying ice bird that I like to call Articuno! She is quite slow, but also really powerful. Her passive is that every four minutes, if she drops to zero health she can turn into an egg and resurrect if the egg isn't destroyed. Really handy early game, but late game the egg can be destroyed in a matter of seconds so not so useful. Her first ability is a skill shot, meaning it has to be manually aimed as opposed to just clicking on the enemy and hitting him, but it shoots a ball of ice that explodes and stuns anyone in the explosion. Really handy to slow someone down either to beat on them a bit, or allow an ally to catch up. Her second ability is to create a wall of ice that gets bigger the more it's leveled up. This lets her stop enemies from chasing her, block an enemy from running away, or suddenly divide an enemy team in half. It's really hard to time right though, so I'm still working on it. Her third ability is called Frostbite and it sends out an icicle that does a lot of damage and the damage is doubled if the enemy was hit by Anivia's first or last ability recently. Her last ability, called an Ultimate, is to create a small snowstorm that damages any enemy in it and slows them down a lot. So, Anivia has the potential to do some really damaging attacks, but her abilities also allow her to be an effective Support with her slow, stun, and wall. Hard to master, but fun to play!
Next is Ryze, a magician with a big scroll strapped to his back. Ryze is great because all he does is beat the snot out of one guy at a time. Really simple. His passive reduces his cooldowns whenever he uses an ability, which basically means that he can use his abilities all in a row really really fast. His first ability is just to throw a big ball of magic. It does lots of damage. That's all. His second ability traps an enemy in a magic cage for a few seconds and deals some damage. Good for keeping them there to hammer on. His third ability is to shoot out a ball of magic that bounces around a few times. It does barely any damage, but it lowers the enemy's resistances, so the rest of Ryze's abilities will do more damage. Ryze's ultimate is kinda useless, but sounds and looks cool. It makes any of his abilities do damage to anyone around the guy hit and heals Ryze for a little bit of health. It's only really useful for taking down a wave of minions or to create a bit of confusion in an enemy team. So Ryze is simple, easy, and pretty fun.
Next is Warwick, who was my favorite, but I haven't played him in a while. He is a werewolf. His passive heals him a tiny bit whenever he attacks anything, so it's pretty handy to a Jungler. His first ability does a pretty good amount of damage and heals him for a percent of the damage he did. His second ability lets him and any allies near him attack faster for a few seconds. Again, great for a Jungler cuz it lets him make full use of his passive without needing backup. His third ability gives him a movement bonus if he's near an enemy with less than half health. This makes him great at ganks because he and his teammate can get the enemy down to half in a few seconds with the element of surprise, and then Warwick suddenly is a lot faster and can chase the enemy down if he tries to run away. Warwick's ultimate lets him jump out at an enemy and suppress them for a few seconds (so they can't do anything at all) and damages the enemy and heals Warwick. Great to use and then chase with his third ability. So Warwick is a great Jungler and can also be used as an Off-tank if you add some armor because then the damage that he takes is little enough that he can heal it just by fighting back! It's kinda hard to figure out how to jungle well, but Warwick is really good at it and I really like him!
Next is Janna, who is a floating fairy looking lady. Janna is incredibly difficult to play and I'm still really bad at her, but I've seen her played well and she is really effective! Her passive makes everyone on her team just a tiny bit faster. Her fist ability is to make a tornado that can be charged up and then flung at enemies, throwing them up in the air and damaging them. It's a skill shot, so it won't always hit, but it can hit an entire team if aimed right.her second ability passively makes her move faster, and can be activated to slow down an enemy for a few seconds and deal a little damage. Her third ability is a magic shield that she can place on an ally that protect them from some damage and gives them bonus attack. Her ultimate creates a big windstorm that throws any enemies out of it, but heals any allies in it. So all of her abilities can help out her allies in some way, but you just have to figure out when the best time to use them is, and that is very hard to do! But hardly anyone plays Support, so I am going to figure out how to use her well!
Next up we have Soraka, who kind of looks like a unicorn that walks on it's hind legs. She is the simplest type of Support because she just heals pretty much. Her passive makes all nearby allies more resistant to magic damage. Her first ability drops a magic bolt on every enemy near her dealing a small amount of damage and reducing their magic resistance. Her second ability simply heals an ally close to her and gives him or her extra armor. Her third ability either makes an enemy unable to use abilities for a second, or gives an ally extra mana. And her ultimate heals everyone on her team no matter where they are. Really handy in a team fight! So ya, she's really simple and pretty fun to play! Although it's really annoying when the teammate she's with runs off and then yells at her for not healing them when they did something stupid.
And lastly, my very favorite Singed! He's a super skinny guy who has a giant bottle of poison strapped to his back. Singed's passive gives him extra health depending on how much his max mana is, so it makes him a bunch more Tanky. His first ability leaves a trail of poison behind him which damages anyone who steps into it for a few seconds. This makes Singed the perfect RUN AWAY!!! Champion because even if the enemy eventually can catch him, he'll be hurting them the entire time they're chasing after him! His second ability throws a puddle of glue that makes any enemy that steps in it super slow. His third ability is just priceless! It doesn't do very much damage, but it flings the enemy over his shoulder, allowing him to grab one enemy from the enemy team and throw him right in the middle of your team where he will die almost instantly. It's also great for grabbing an enemy that's trying to kill a wounded teammate and throwing them out of range. All it all it's a really funny and fun ability. And his ultimate is also super great! It's called Insanity Potion and it makes Singed faster, do more damage, have more health, have more mana, and basically become a super beast. It's fun to use this ability and watch the enemy cower in fear! Mwahaha!!! I love Singed because he just doesn't die easily and even if he does, he almost always can take an enemy with him! And it's really funny to grab the over confident guy and fling him back to be demolished by you and the rest of your team!
Anyways, it is now bedtime, so I am going to bed! If you actually read all that I am very impressed and maybe you should try it! It's free, and my favorite thing is that each game everyone starts at level one and has to work their way up. So you can potentially beat someone who's been playing for a long time on your very first try! Probably not, but maybe. Anyways, good night!
So, to get myself out of this bad mood I've gotten myself into, I want to talk about League of Legends. It's a game that I've been playing a lot now that classes are over and I have no job, and I love it. Which is good, because otherwise I think I would go nuts. Anyways it's an Action RTS game (that's Real Time Strategy) in which you and four other people team up together and duke it out against another team of either five other people or computer players. The goal of the game is to destroy the other team's nexus with each team having one on either side of the map. There are three paths connecting the two nexuses and each path is guarded by three towers for each side. The towers deal a ton of damage to the Champions (players) and so you need to destroy them with the help of your minions, little weak computer controlled guys that are really only good for a meat shield. The minions can't be commanded and they just blindly walk along their path until they come across an enemy and then they attack it. So what you have to do is destroy the enemy's minions so that you can follow your minions along to the enemy tower, where you can hammer away at it, while your minions take all the tower's attacks. Defeating minions also gives you gold, so it's a main part of playing the game. Each person playing chooses a Champion and each Champion has something that they specialize in. There are five main types of champions with I shall explain now. If you are still reading this you either really think I'm interesting, or are just as much of a game design freak as I am. Purple Monkey Dishwashers. Anyways, the five types are Tank, Carry, Support, Jungler, and Off-tank. Gotta poo. Be right back. Back! A Tank's job is to stay alive for a long time and keep the other's teams attention. As such, they have tons of health and armor, and they try to stay out in front of their team and be the first to charge in and cause some chaos. The Carry's job is to deal tons of damage. As such they focus on building up their attack and magic damage and not any defensive items. So the Tank protects them. But if they get caught alone by a few enemies, they'll die in a few seconds if they're not careful. The Support is the most interesting and hardest type of Champion, and as such is the one that I am most determined to perfect. Their job is to support the team in any way they can. So that means speeding up their team, slowing down the other team, being able to place wards so they can see when an enemy tries to sneak up on the Carry, and to build items that grant bonuses to their teammates. They usually aren't all that strong, but they are very important because they can tip the balance just a little in the charge and with a few well placed disables. Very tricky. The next is the Jungler! The Jungler is my second favorite, and their job is to be sneaky and do ganks (a quick kill with another teammate). They're called the Jungler because in between the three paths there is a jungle, and in the jungle there are neutral monsters and some of which grant bonuses when defeated. The Jungler usually runs around in there and, since he's already running around so much, helps out on any of the paths (aka lanes) that needs some help. The Jungler is usually quite fast and able to heal himself since he doesn't have any backup. He is the backup basically. And last is the Off-tank. The off-tank's job is to be in between the attack of the Carry and the health of the Tank. They basically make up for whatever the team is lacking in. They're the Jack-of-all-Trades. They're fun because they can deal some pretty good damage, but won't be completely screwed if caught out by themselves. Alrighty! Now that I've told you about the types of Champions, I'm going to tell you about the Champions that I usually play as. Since you usually don't get to chose your teammates, you have to be able to play more than one type of character. Otherwise you'll have a team made completely of Carries that will kill two enemies very very fast and then all die. So, I've been playing as Anivia, who is a Carry/Support, Ryze, who is a Carry, Warwick, who is a Jungler/Off-tank, Janna and Soraka, who are both Support, and my current favorite, Singed, who is a Tank/Off-tank. As you can see, a few of the champions can play two different rolls, depending on what items you build and what skills you level up. Each champion has four skills and a passive ability. As the game goes on, your Champion will level up and you can increase the levels of your skills and spend the money made by defeating minions and Champions on items. And now I shall describe in detail each of the Champions I like to play! Isn't this just so much fun? I'm having fun!
First, Anivia. Anivia is a flying ice bird that I like to call Articuno! She is quite slow, but also really powerful. Her passive is that every four minutes, if she drops to zero health she can turn into an egg and resurrect if the egg isn't destroyed. Really handy early game, but late game the egg can be destroyed in a matter of seconds so not so useful. Her first ability is a skill shot, meaning it has to be manually aimed as opposed to just clicking on the enemy and hitting him, but it shoots a ball of ice that explodes and stuns anyone in the explosion. Really handy to slow someone down either to beat on them a bit, or allow an ally to catch up. Her second ability is to create a wall of ice that gets bigger the more it's leveled up. This lets her stop enemies from chasing her, block an enemy from running away, or suddenly divide an enemy team in half. It's really hard to time right though, so I'm still working on it. Her third ability is called Frostbite and it sends out an icicle that does a lot of damage and the damage is doubled if the enemy was hit by Anivia's first or last ability recently. Her last ability, called an Ultimate, is to create a small snowstorm that damages any enemy in it and slows them down a lot. So, Anivia has the potential to do some really damaging attacks, but her abilities also allow her to be an effective Support with her slow, stun, and wall. Hard to master, but fun to play!
Next is Ryze, a magician with a big scroll strapped to his back. Ryze is great because all he does is beat the snot out of one guy at a time. Really simple. His passive reduces his cooldowns whenever he uses an ability, which basically means that he can use his abilities all in a row really really fast. His first ability is just to throw a big ball of magic. It does lots of damage. That's all. His second ability traps an enemy in a magic cage for a few seconds and deals some damage. Good for keeping them there to hammer on. His third ability is to shoot out a ball of magic that bounces around a few times. It does barely any damage, but it lowers the enemy's resistances, so the rest of Ryze's abilities will do more damage. Ryze's ultimate is kinda useless, but sounds and looks cool. It makes any of his abilities do damage to anyone around the guy hit and heals Ryze for a little bit of health. It's only really useful for taking down a wave of minions or to create a bit of confusion in an enemy team. So Ryze is simple, easy, and pretty fun.
Next is Warwick, who was my favorite, but I haven't played him in a while. He is a werewolf. His passive heals him a tiny bit whenever he attacks anything, so it's pretty handy to a Jungler. His first ability does a pretty good amount of damage and heals him for a percent of the damage he did. His second ability lets him and any allies near him attack faster for a few seconds. Again, great for a Jungler cuz it lets him make full use of his passive without needing backup. His third ability gives him a movement bonus if he's near an enemy with less than half health. This makes him great at ganks because he and his teammate can get the enemy down to half in a few seconds with the element of surprise, and then Warwick suddenly is a lot faster and can chase the enemy down if he tries to run away. Warwick's ultimate lets him jump out at an enemy and suppress them for a few seconds (so they can't do anything at all) and damages the enemy and heals Warwick. Great to use and then chase with his third ability. So Warwick is a great Jungler and can also be used as an Off-tank if you add some armor because then the damage that he takes is little enough that he can heal it just by fighting back! It's kinda hard to figure out how to jungle well, but Warwick is really good at it and I really like him!
Next is Janna, who is a floating fairy looking lady. Janna is incredibly difficult to play and I'm still really bad at her, but I've seen her played well and she is really effective! Her passive makes everyone on her team just a tiny bit faster. Her fist ability is to make a tornado that can be charged up and then flung at enemies, throwing them up in the air and damaging them. It's a skill shot, so it won't always hit, but it can hit an entire team if aimed right.her second ability passively makes her move faster, and can be activated to slow down an enemy for a few seconds and deal a little damage. Her third ability is a magic shield that she can place on an ally that protect them from some damage and gives them bonus attack. Her ultimate creates a big windstorm that throws any enemies out of it, but heals any allies in it. So all of her abilities can help out her allies in some way, but you just have to figure out when the best time to use them is, and that is very hard to do! But hardly anyone plays Support, so I am going to figure out how to use her well!
Next up we have Soraka, who kind of looks like a unicorn that walks on it's hind legs. She is the simplest type of Support because she just heals pretty much. Her passive makes all nearby allies more resistant to magic damage. Her first ability drops a magic bolt on every enemy near her dealing a small amount of damage and reducing their magic resistance. Her second ability simply heals an ally close to her and gives him or her extra armor. Her third ability either makes an enemy unable to use abilities for a second, or gives an ally extra mana. And her ultimate heals everyone on her team no matter where they are. Really handy in a team fight! So ya, she's really simple and pretty fun to play! Although it's really annoying when the teammate she's with runs off and then yells at her for not healing them when they did something stupid.
And lastly, my very favorite Singed! He's a super skinny guy who has a giant bottle of poison strapped to his back. Singed's passive gives him extra health depending on how much his max mana is, so it makes him a bunch more Tanky. His first ability leaves a trail of poison behind him which damages anyone who steps into it for a few seconds. This makes Singed the perfect RUN AWAY!!! Champion because even if the enemy eventually can catch him, he'll be hurting them the entire time they're chasing after him! His second ability throws a puddle of glue that makes any enemy that steps in it super slow. His third ability is just priceless! It doesn't do very much damage, but it flings the enemy over his shoulder, allowing him to grab one enemy from the enemy team and throw him right in the middle of your team where he will die almost instantly. It's also great for grabbing an enemy that's trying to kill a wounded teammate and throwing them out of range. All it all it's a really funny and fun ability. And his ultimate is also super great! It's called Insanity Potion and it makes Singed faster, do more damage, have more health, have more mana, and basically become a super beast. It's fun to use this ability and watch the enemy cower in fear! Mwahaha!!! I love Singed because he just doesn't die easily and even if he does, he almost always can take an enemy with him! And it's really funny to grab the over confident guy and fling him back to be demolished by you and the rest of your team!
Anyways, it is now bedtime, so I am going to bed! If you actually read all that I am very impressed and maybe you should try it! It's free, and my favorite thing is that each game everyone starts at level one and has to work their way up. So you can potentially beat someone who's been playing for a long time on your very first try! Probably not, but maybe. Anyways, good night!
Sunday, October 4
Why do men fight? What do they fight for? Is it for the families and countries that they love? Do they even know what it means to love? Is it just to run away from the pain of all the failings that we cannot face? Is it a desperate cry to God to come and take away all that is in us and to leave us bare of all the turmoil of the world? Or is it truly for freedom that we fight? Is it truly for honor and love and justice? Is man really even able to tell? But what is a war? Is it the flailing of a country fighting to survive or simply greed for what we don't have and others do? Is there anything that is big enough to quench that thirst? Anything that tries to fill that vast void is simply swallowed and the search continues for the next big thing. So are we really looking for that thing that is big enough? That thing that can fill us? Is that why we fight? For truth, justice, greed, power, and the almighty stuff. It's kinda funny then that the very thing that we fight and die for is the thing that is so obvious if we simply stop and look. Look at the mountains, the colors in the sky, the tiny things that grow in the dirt, the humans themselves, as fallible as they are. It all screams the scream of a creator. I choose to call him God. I think that this crazy creator guy might be able to fill that void. I know that He can in me, because I felt it before. I let Him slip away because I was afraid that He would fill the void so much that He might just fill me until there was nothing left of me. That He might fail just like everything else I know. That He might crush me. Or even see my own failings. And so that is why I fought, and why I still fight. I fight to hide. To stay hidden from God, from people, from anyone that could notice I'm not perfect. Not even good. So it really is a fight for something bigger, but just not quite so observant. Unfortunately I know there isn't anything. So why do I still fight? Is it hope? Is that just a blatant disrespect for the word? Why can't I accept my crap? That I suck. That I can't do it. Not even a little? Is it really my dad? Is it really you? Have I always seen you as infallible to the point that I must be in order to even be worth being called your son? Or am I just trying to place the blame on shoulders that are seperate from mine? Am I really that selfish? The short answer is yes, but is that it? There's so much that I used to have. That I used to love about myself. Now I don't even care. I know I can't be good, so why do I even try? Why do I even fight? What's the point really? I know I was never good enough for my dad, so why should I be good enough for God? Why would you do something so idiotic as to accept me? The real me. Not the fake me fighting to be what I used to be, but the piece of crap me right now. You shouldn't have done that. I don't know if I believe in love big enough for that. I don't. Oh...
Wednesday, August 12
The trouble with people...
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't like life right now. I'm not really sure of anything right now, so allow me to do some figuring out. As you probably know, I've been having a really tough time with my faith and just figuring out what the whole point is. Well, last night Jon called me up and wanted to hang out. I thought that was a great idea, so I said yes. Jon and I have been friends for a long time, and one of the things that I've held dearest (if that doesn't sound too cheesy) is that both he and I were Christian. It was great to have him to kind of back me up, well, only sometimes, but it was just good to know that I had someone else that was the same as me. Not so any more. (bet you didn't see that one coming) I would have been kinda ok with that if he had some good reason, but he didn't really. It was just the usual "if God is good, why does He let all this bad stuff happen?". That is a good question, but I think the answer is this, God gave us two gifts, the gift of life, and the gift of free will. That means that He promises that we can choose for ourselves anything that we want. We can have absolutely anything we want because of this free will, either the pleasures of the world, or a relationship with God. But there comes the price. If we are to have true free will, God can't interfere. We have to live with the consequences of what we do. It must break God's heart to see what we choose for ourselves, and for others. But He can't interfere, otherwise He would take away one of, if not the most precious gifts He gave to us. I don't know why that doesn't make sense. But anyways, then he was telling me about how he can't believe some of the stuff in the Bible. Like the flood or the burning bush. He said the flood is impossible because matter can't be created or destroyed, so where did all the water go? I thought that was kind of a lame excuse, but whatever. I mean, why doesn't he just say that creation is impossible? I think that would be a lot easier! And then, he's talking about a God who made a virgin pregnant. He doesn't play by the rules. But then, I've also seen Him do stuff by stretching the rules as well. Maybe the world was a lot flatter back then, and it was the flood that started to create the amazing mountains and valleys. Maybe it was the flood that cracked apart Pangea and that created huge valleys in the earth's crust and maybe that's where the water went. Or maybe God just said, "Go water go" and poof! Gone water. Why do we try to limit things we can't understand? Jon's explanation of the burning bush really made me wonder though. It seemed more like he was trying to convince himself it was impossible, which it is, but that's never stopped God before. It was interesting because he started by explaining that it is impossible for a bush to spontaneously combust in a cave (I don't remember there being a cave, but I'd have to recheck that). That's all fine and dandy, and for his point that was all he needed. But then he went on to explain away how all the talking with God and stuff could just have been a hallucination from inhaling too much smoke. Which, I think, is also just fine and dandy. But then why did he need to go one step farther once he had already shown the impossible?
no good or evil, just grey
said that he beat the "can't see wind" arguement but then he says he can see demons, which is scientifically impossible
no good or evil, just grey
said that he beat the "can't see wind" arguement but then he says he can see demons, which is scientifically impossible
Saturday, March 21
Twilight
Hmmm... I'm watching Twilight right now. Well kinda watching and kinda not. It's kinda scary how much the main vampire dude Edward! is so like Anakin in episode 2 and 3. He actually sounds exactly the same. So fake. And he doesn't have any emotion except for neutral and angry! Argh! Although I was wrong, he did smile once that I saw. Although it was really put on. The girl isn't as good of an actor as I thought at first. Although I saw one good answer in there. I don't like that they're in the forest when she confrunts him as being a vampire. It's not real at all. She obviously wouldn't just stand there awkwardly. Lame. Well, as for Edward being "the perfect boyfriend" all I've gotten so far is be really creepy and stare all the time. Oh, there. Now I was wrong. That was a real smile. No actually that was a real smile. And it came from all the other people too. Nice. Yep. That is creepy. What is with the huge obsession with vampires lately? Hmm... I really like the guy that looks like he's in pain. Not very convincing, but funny. But then I guess that there's always gotta be some sort of fad otherwise people wouldn't know how to be cool. I wonder how they did that climbing effect. It doesn't really work, but I can't figure out how they did it. Wait, maybe they just had a rope line and pulled them up as he moved his arms and legs. That might be it. I like piano. But that's just me. I'm getting more used to recorded piano so I don't mind it right now. I JUST REMEMBERED I GOT RELIENT K'S NEW ALBUM!!! Well that was exciting! I guess I shouldn't really talk. I SUCK at acting. I really want to hit something right now. Whatever. Yep, I'm only getting creepy. So that's all you need to get a girl eh? I really hate everything right now so I'm going to stop.
Thursday, March 12
Nervousness
Hoooo man. I am so nervous for acting tomorrow! Juli and I have this great activity thing planned out. She has beaten up Carsyn for some reason (I have no idea what that is), and I've been trying to find her. The exercise is going to be in a furniture store that I chased her into. Our relationship is that I hate her guts (obviously), and she is absolutely scared to death of me. So here's the problem, I have no idea what I would do. I have no idea what I'll do when I get there. Am I there to scare er to death, drag her off somewhere, or to just beat the tar out of her? I'm really leaning towards beating the tar out of her, but of coarse that is not an option. So I'm kinda stuck. Juli was thinking that since this was happening in a furniture store, a public place, I would be more, I dunno, discrete? Hmmm... Now that I think about it, I think I would want to get her out of the public so that no one would stop me. Brrr, that gives me creeps just thinking of what I could actually do. At first I was thinking that I really wouldn't care, but I think I would have enough presense of mind to know that people would try to stop me. But really what's bugging me is that it's something in which I have an amazing chance of failing miserably. I'm still so stuck in that I need to get it right. Need to get rid of that, but it's not happening at the moment. I'll just have to keep telling myself that until it clicks. Good luck guys!
Friday, February 13
The purpose of acting
Wow. I just got out of a discussion we were having in acting class. It started with watching an Actor's Studio video about Sean Penn. We always have a bit of discussion about what we noticed or heard afterwards, and I was really struck by something he said. He said something to the effect that acting and movies that are entertaining for entertainment's sake are no better than a couple of hookers and an eight ball. I completely agree with him so I said so and thus started a big talk about just what it is that we are suposed to be and do. You see acting isn't just entertaining. It's about getting people to think. It's about sending a message and getting people to feel and see a part of reality that maybe they've never seen before. Cindy said something really cool that I've never thought about much. She said "I could be exactly like her (a character she was playing that was a drug addicted homeless prostitute). The only difference is the situations and choices that we've made." That is so true! The bible says that everyone has fallen short of the glory of God and that everyone is equal because of that. It made me wonder just how different I was from a gay man. I think that being homosexual is a choice, and I may be wrong, but could I really understand who this person is and why he does the things that he does. The church always gets all up in arms about different plays that are really raw, but we forget that these are real people! These are real people that you or I could be! I could be a drunk. I could be a homosexual. I could be a murderer. How often do we just watch the news and see the horrible things that go on, people shot, beheaded, lighting themselves on fire, and just say "oh, that's terrible!" Click. What if Joel was shot? What if your sister was raped? What if your dad killed someone? These things have to affect us! They have to but they don't! That is so scary! We have become so numb to all the crap that surrounds us that we don't even see it anymore. It's our job as actors to Make people remember. Make people care! Two thirds of the world is starving. More than a million kids are put into slavery every year. KIDS! That could be your kid! That could be the son or daughter that you love! The one that you hold close to heart and protect. We have to care. We have to do something. We have to make people care. We can't be useless entertainers. It's not about that. Laughing is good. Entertainment is good. But that's not the main point of our job. We are here to remind the world of our humanity. Remind us of why we used to care. Why people are the way they are. To understand ourselves and how we have to be there for our people. We are here to remind the protectors of our world. That is our duty.
Monday, January 5
Why?
Ok. I am really angry right now and I don't exactly know why. Well partly because my stupid computer can't remember the stupid password so that I can actually post on this stupid thing. So after about ten minutes of scrambling I can finally post in here and now I don't remember what it even was that I was going to write... I really don't like myself right now... I've changed so much over school but I'm wondering if that's really such a good thing. I've been really quick tempered lately (which is like saying "the cows are especially intelligent today"), I can't seem to make myself care about anything, and I've even started to judge people. I guess that sounds kinda dumb but I've always prided myself in never judging people untill I had actually talked with them and gotten to know them. The caring thing isn't so new which is really frusterating. I mean, I go to school and they try to teach me to be open with my emotions and let stuff affect me, but I don't even care! I want to care so badly, but I just can't do it. And I am still scared absolutely to death with failing. I'm still short almost a thousand dollars for school, which is fine because my parents will gladly pay for it and I still have another week to work anyways, but I can't even make myself tell them because that means that I failed. That I didn't have what it takes to get all the money I need and that I just am not strong enough. MAN I need to hit something... And the thing that I've been most angry about is that I have no relationship with God. None! And I don't care. I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't make myself care. I've been reading and hearing so much lately that God is love and loves you for who you are no matter what, but I just can't believe that He'd love me. I don't believe that I'm worth that. I mean, the God of the universe, who created everything and IS goodness, loving a worthless piece of crap like me. I can't believe that. I hate this, I have so much knowledge (well more than most people anyways) about God and Christianity and stuff, but I have no experience. It's the difference between looking at a map and actually traveling to the places on it. I know that Chrisianity is right, I've found that with my research and from other people who've figured it out, but I can't DO it. What good is a beautiful piece of music if there's no one to play the notes?
Sunday, November 23
My back hurts
My back hurts so I'm going to write about it. It started hurting randomly on the way to Co-op this afternoon. I was like ok, whatever no big deal. It mostly left until we went to this 70s party this evening. We were going to have a dance competition and the grand prize was a printer. I really needed a printer at that point so I was like "Wow what an amazing stroke of luck". Cuz I can really get dancing if I feel like it and boy was I feeling it. So anyways the competition started and there was only about six of us that were actually going for the printer so I was like sweet! This'll be really easy. Although I was up against David so I knew that he would get points just for being David but I knew that I could win it if I really did my best. And then BAM. My back basicly exploded. It was so stupid cuz I didn't even do anything. I was just tapping my feet and then I started dying. And then it was my tun to go up so, like the idiot I am, I went up and did one of my favorite dance moves, the arm and leg switch. Not only could I not actually do it because my back was dying, I all of a sudden couldn't breath. That was when I found out that we actually weren't done. But by then I got the hint so I ended up just sitting out. So I've spent the rest of the evening dying and pretending I'm not because I don't really want anyone to worry. Basicly I'm an idiot. This is so stupid, I actually haven't been in this much pain since I broke my leg. I actually have to stop myself from screaming. Although I probably couldn't scream cuz I can't breath. I hate my life. And now I have to finish writing a script and stuff. Great.
Wednesday, November 19
The ultimatum in my music
I LOVE RELIENT K!!! It's kind of annoying cuz everyone always says that all their songs sound the same. I happen to disagree! I love the variety they have in each album! Sure the albums hold to their genres in each disk. Meaning that the songs only sound similar in that they're all in the same genre. And actually their genre has changed from album to album. I just love how they have a song for every feeling. If I'm feeling down I can listen to songs like 'For the moments I feel faint' or 'More than useless'. And then there's 'Must have done something right' or 'Up and up' for when I'm feeling good. There's upbeat songs, slow songs, sad songs, happy songs, and even a few silly songs! And there's actually a song for almost ever situation I've been in. There's love, redemption, joy, disappointment, tiredness, and general silliness. And I love the lyrics! They were actually my inspiration for writing songs in the first place. I love all little clever ditties and deeper meaning in some of them. And that's all I have to say for now. Except that RELIENT K IS AWESOME!!!
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