Another sleepless night with Ryan

Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!

A little more on the subject of acting

Alrighty, I just went and saw A Bright Particular Star in Rosebud with Grace. Basically it's about a girl who ends up giving up pretty much everything just so that she can act in a play. It's set when theatre was still viewed as an anti-church thing, and she's a Christian girl, so her family, her friends, even her fiance, all fight her to stay away from the theatre. And I'm happy and annoyed to say that it did something to me. Something that I really don't get... What she wanted to do was Shakespeare, and even though she and her family had all done some charity theatre and the Pilgrim's Progress, she wanted to do something that wasn't "preaching". I think that might have been it. That the theatre doesn't have to be all about God and all with a Christian message or whatever. That theatre isn't just theatre for the teaching value and all those things that I said in my monologue (which is in here somewhere if you'd like to read it). Maybe, just maybe, theatre might just sometimes be about being beautiful. Maybe it can be just about having a good laugh, and really that being enough. God loves humor, he loves beauty, so why can't we just revel in that? I'm not saying that everything is good, but I am saying that whatever you or I choose to do or create, can be just as praising to God as singing a hymn. Maybe this is the part that I've been kind of missing in theatre. I don't really know, but I will certainly look into it more! So, for one thing, I'm going to start looking for plays, movies, songs, or anything, that really matter to me. That really touch me. And maybe from that, I can find some sort of peace that I'm missing.

The 2nd year Cabaret

So for my cabaret piece I've decided that I want to write a monologue about the purpose of acting and art. I decided this not just because it's a very interesting thing we've all been learning about but mostly because I want my family to understand what it is I'm doing at this school and why I think it isn't just a waste of time and effort. I don't really think that they think that, but sometimes I wonder, and I think it'll be a good way for me to remember as well, since I have so much trouble with that. So here's some ideas and sort of a rough draft thing:

My name is Ryan and I am an actor and an artist. You know, artist are really misunderstood nowadays. I'd like to remedy that, so just follow along with me and my musings. First, what is an artist? Anyone who expresses themselves in a creative way. Which is what art is. The uniqueness of every one of us expressed through our God given creativity. I think that everyone is an artist, just that not all of us are practicing artists. Now I don't mean that all of us are painters or musicians, but every one of us is creative. We all have to potential to make or do something that is totally unique. So what's so great about that? Why should we care about art? Because in art there is truth. Oh sure, great what does that mean? Well, truth is what holds our world together, it is the way that the universe really is. The truth is that, no matter what you do, gravity will pull you down, the truth is that murder is wrong, the truth is that sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, I'm tired, lonely, and afraid. If I express that in my art maybe you can identify with it, learn something from it, connect with it.
That's something that I think we are missing a lot in the world. We have forgotten how to connect with each other. I think that's the reason so many people are so lonely. Which brings me to the actor. An actor's job is to connect. There's more to it, but that's the core of what an actor does. The connection with the other actors and with you the audience is what makes theatre powerful and is what entices you to come back for more. Another thing we do is find truth, or "live truthfully in a given imaginary circumstance"to quote Meisner. Some of you might be thinking "oh, ok that makes sense" but most likely you're thinking "ehhh?". Let me explain. The situations we are put in aren't real. The house isn't really on fire, the kids didn't really run away from home, I'm not really the king of England. But If that were the case what would happen? That's the living truthfully part. If your brother just got shot in front of you, what would happen? That's what we do. A real reaction to something that may not be real. So really we're in the business of truth as well. We look for the truth in the stories we tell. Why? Because stories are how we learn. Pretty much everything you know is learned from other people's stories and your stories. When an actor gets out there to tell a story, they want you to learn from it, to connect with it, and to ignite something. We want to change you. We want to inspire you, ignite a passion in you, teach you something about yourself or someone else. We want you to walk away changed. And the only thing that can do that is truth. Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's the very last thing we want to hear, but in a world that is starving for truth, we need it. Why should we deny ourselves that?
And now as a special treat, I have created a movement peace for you. In it is a little bit of myself, a little bit of my story. What I hope is that you can get something from it. Maybe you won't. Maybe it just doesn't work for you, but maybe it will inspire you, ignite something in you. Do something with that. Figure out why. Find the truth.

I think I may have something here...

I think I just figured out why I don't ever get close to anyone! It was during acting class, and Cindy asked Aaron if he had trouble opening up to people. I immediately was all ears cuz that totally applies to me. Aaron said he didn't have that and Cindy said that it seemed there was something holding him back. And then I figured it out. I believe that people are evil. Now maybe you're thinking "well obviously, it says that in the Bible" but I don't know if people really believe that. The way I view it is that everyone will attack eventually. Everyone will try to hurt. So the obvious thing for me to do is to stay away from that. Well, I'll have to get into that later, I gotta do some acting homework. Hmm... How to connect and still be safe... Not possible.

Discoveries 4

Ah, another wonderful discovery in acting class. Actually this one doesn't have much to do with my understanding myself, but I guess the last one wasn't either. Moving on. It has finally clicked in me that it's not about repeating. That the exercise really doesn't matter. It's about actually connecting and really DOING whatever it is you came to do. It doesn't really matter how you accomplish it, just so long as you get it and connect. Easier said then done, but at least now I understand what I'm shooting for. Well done Ryan! Finally...

Nervousness

Hoooo man. I am so nervous for acting tomorrow! Juli and I have this great activity thing planned out. She has beaten up Carsyn for some reason (I have no idea what that is), and I've been trying to find her. The exercise is going to be in a furniture store that I chased her into. Our relationship is that I hate her guts (obviously), and she is absolutely scared to death of me. So here's the problem, I have no idea what I would do. I have no idea what I'll do when I get there. Am I there to scare er to death, drag her off somewhere, or to just beat the tar out of her? I'm really leaning towards beating the tar out of her, but of coarse that is not an option. So I'm kinda stuck. Juli was thinking that since this was happening in a furniture store, a public place, I would be more, I dunno, discrete? Hmmm... Now that I think about it, I think I would want to get her out of the public so that no one would stop me. Brrr, that gives me creeps just thinking of what I could actually do. At first I was thinking that I really wouldn't care, but I think I would have enough presense of mind to know that people would try to stop me. But really what's bugging me is that it's something in which I have an amazing chance of failing miserably. I'm still so stuck in that I need to get it right. Need to get rid of that, but it's not happening at the moment. I'll just have to keep telling myself that until it clicks. Good luck guys!

Discoveries 3

Welcome once again to the wonderful world of learning how to act. I really learned the importance of doing all the background work. You have to know exactly where you came from, what you're trying to do, and what your relationship is with the other person (and I just learned that what that really means is how you treat them). Another thing is that you shouldn't use just the text to make a prep. Figure out exactly what it is that the situation does to you(or a situation like it cuz a lot of the time you would never be in that situation) and then use a really personal prep to actually make it work. Cindy got me to use the prep that Carsyn had been beaten up and was in the hospital. And that it would keep happening until I could convince Abby(Ashley) to stop. That worked SO well for me. But I'm still frusterated that, even after all of the work that Ashley and I have put into it, we still took up almost all of the class time to basicly start our scene from scratch again. And then my emotions weren't doing what I wanted and I couldn't release anything and I was frusterated and I don't like people at the moment. So there! Ok. I learned lots and that's good. That's what I'm here for so I just need to remember that. Right...

Quotes

Here's another one from Cindy. "Live life like you live in your head."
Meaning that, in acting anyways, we should let ourselves do all the things that we imagine ourselves doing in our heads. We always imagine what would happen if I did this or said that, but we never do it. In acting it's a chance to actually do what it is that goes on in our heads. Pretty cool if you ask me!

Discoveries 2

So today in acting we had a mini discussion about what our creative energy is and how we use it and get it back. It started off with Cindy giving us a quote to the effect that we use our creativity to glorify God, and that by our art, not just acting, we can let a little bit of God's glory shine into the world. How encouraging is that? What we get to tap into when we get creative is a little bit of our reflection of God. We get to tap into what God gave us at our very core! Art is an expression of the heart, and God said that He would give us the desires of our heart. Hmm... I forget where I was going with that... Maybe it'll come to me later. But anyways, we actors get to have a little bit of something that no one else can really get. We get to connect with God on so many different levels. We get to understand people and how they connect with God and we get to connect as those people! We get to learn about and understand some of the most complex creatures that God created and even get paid for it! It makes me think of phsychology. I always wanted to learn some of that, but now I'm starting to realize that I can understand people better than a phsychologist because I can actually think like the person. Seems like a pretty good insider's view! So we get to connect with God with all the complexities of another person. This really isn't half as exciting as what we actually got to, but my brain is kinda slow at the moment. Oh well! I'm still excited!

Quotes

So I'm going to start to write out some quotes that I hear and think are epic.
"We are the saxophone!" - Cindy Vanden Enden
Meaning that we as actors get to, as we work on our art to become better actors, also become better people. A musician has to carry around his saxophone to get better. We are our instroment!

The purpose of acting

Wow. I just got out of a discussion we were having in acting class. It started with watching an Actor's Studio video about Sean Penn. We always have a bit of discussion about what we noticed or heard afterwards, and I was really struck by something he said. He said something to the effect that acting and movies that are entertaining for entertainment's sake are no better than a couple of hookers and an eight ball. I completely agree with him so I said so and thus started a big talk about just what it is that we are suposed to be and do. You see acting isn't just entertaining. It's about getting people to think. It's about sending a message and getting people to feel and see a part of reality that maybe they've never seen before. Cindy said something really cool that I've never thought about much. She said "I could be exactly like her (a character she was playing that was a drug addicted homeless prostitute). The only difference is the situations and choices that we've made." That is so true! The bible says that everyone has fallen short of the glory of God and that everyone is equal because of that. It made me wonder just how different I was from a gay man. I think that being homosexual is a choice, and I may be wrong, but could I really understand who this person is and why he does the things that he does. The church always gets all up in arms about different plays that are really raw, but we forget that these are real people! These are real people that you or I could be! I could be a drunk. I could be a homosexual. I could be a murderer. How often do we just watch the news and see the horrible things that go on, people shot, beheaded, lighting themselves on fire, and just say "oh, that's terrible!" Click. What if Joel was shot? What if your sister was raped? What if your dad killed someone? These things have to affect us! They have to but they don't! That is so scary! We have become so numb to all the crap that surrounds us that we don't even see it anymore. It's our job as actors to Make people remember. Make people care! Two thirds of the world is starving. More than a million kids are put into slavery every year. KIDS! That could be your kid! That could be the son or daughter that you love! The one that you hold close to heart and protect. We have to care. We have to do something. We have to make people care. We can't be useless entertainers. It's not about that. Laughing is good. Entertainment is good. But that's not the main point of our job. We are here to remind the world of our humanity. Remind us of why we used to care. Why people are the way they are. To understand ourselves and how we have to be there for our people. We are here to remind the protectors of our world. That is our duty.

Discoveries Part 1

So I decided that I'd put up some of the things that I found out about myself in acting, and possibly in other places but I think acting is going to be the biggest one. So I've talked lately with a few people in first year and they told me that I've never actually let anything out on stage. I thought that was silly at first, but Aaron and Juliann told me specifically that I've never actually been angry. Even though I've wanted to be. So today in acting I decided that I would do my very best to just let anything out, not nesesarily anger. Lizzy and I had a really great warm up, so I was feeling pretty good (doesn't happen all that often). But when we got up to do our scene with Tanya, it just sarted falling to pieces for me. I couldn't connect and I kept on getting distracted by Ashley's blue shirt. I was getting so fed up and just frusterated that I couldn't do it right (I know you're not suposed to worry about that, but that's all I have for now) and right near the very end I finally felt something pop. It was really weird cuz I was actually aware of something breaking and I almost thought I heard it. Luckily it didn't distract me so we finished of reasonably well. But then after that I actually visually saw what happened. I actually saw in my head a heart completely covered in chains (there was a yellow background too, that was weird) and the chain that was closest to me was broken. There was one link that had been cracked in half. First off it's pretty creepy that I actually even had that happen, but I think that I now realize why I'm here. I want to teach and that's all good, but I think that I am here so that I can actually get free. I always look at anything that I've dealt with and thought "oh, everyone else has gone through way worse stuff so don't worry about it" but I think that I really am chained. I don't really know how it happened, but I, for once, have something to do for myself. I'm excited!