A new way to be human

I just realized that it only takes me about a millisecond to decide on the title of a post, even if I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to talk about! Interesting... Anyways, I've discovered that people tend to think as they talk instead of what I usually try to do, which is have my idea fully thought out before voicing it. However, I now realize that my method doesn't really work all that well for me considering my horrible memory. So I'm going to be trying more to let myself be unsure of my thoughts even as I voice them. This'll be a very odd transition!
Anyways, I was just thinking about something that Rayne and I were talking about last night, namely the idea of people and goodness. The way I look at it is that we are made in God's image, and that image is our spirit or soul. Now that soul is in and of itself good, because it is a reflection of God, who is the very definition of good. Kind of think of a mirror, and stick with me. But Satan comes along and messes up this world, and that ends up dirtying our mirror.
My friend/acquaintance David said that one of the biggest lies that Christians tend to believe is that we are garbage, when in fact we are simply broken. I agree with him, but I also like the idea of a dirty mirror more. But broken makes sense to me too.
I just had a thought. So we're mirrors right? But I wasn't sure how to make that connect with the idea of Christianity as a transformation. But I have an idea. What if our souls become what it is that we point ourselves at. Think of us as mirrors all walking around on the earth. Some of us point at money, some at popularity, some at sex. Now each of these things is good, but because of Satan's meddling we can't have the perfect true goodness in the world, and therefore, pointing ourselves at these things will end up making us a shadow the the true goodness these things are supposed to be.
So what if the transformation of Christianity is God twisting our frames from looking at the things in the world, to instead point towards him. We see the light in the things in the world, and we strive to get it, to feel it, to bring that light into ourselves. We say to God that we can figure out the light ourselves, we can uncover it, we can get that light ourselves, but God says, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIGHT!" It's hard to let God turn our frames because it's too bright, it hurts our eyes.
It's because of God that there is light shining on the things in the world, and maybe another way of looking at it is that all the good things on the earth are mirrors themselves. They have the light shining on them, but they can't reflect it perfectly. They have the grime of corruption on them. Maybe we keep on looking for goodness and light, but we miss the sun.
I need to figure out how to say this better, but I think I like what's coming of this. Good talk. See ya.

PAY ATTENTION!!!

Pay attention everyone, this may be the most important post I shall ever make on this humble blog. Ready? Okay.
I am going to be a Jesus Freak.
Crazy I know. But here's the thing, I am so incredibly sick of hearing and seeing half-assed Christianity. There is so much of it and just a blatant disregard for everything truly important in life and I frankly hate it with everything I have. It disgusts me. And I want to be different. I want it so badly that I will be different. Because what I truly believe we need is Christians to show up and show God. I am so blessed with having an amazing, supportive, and strong Christian family, and it makes me incredibly sad to see people who don't have that, and incredibly furious to see people throw that away. I was just reading Jesus Freaks by DC Talk and it is hundreds of stories of Christians around the globe and through the centuries who have been killed for the sake of Christ. And the thing that struck me the most, more than the fact that they could still forgive their killers, more than them still telling others the good news on the blazing stake, is that people listened. That having such an earth shattering faith is something that simply cannot be ignored. And so here in Canada and, as far as I know, the US, is where we have been trained to settle for less. It's brilliant really, make the most full of potential nations the most apathetic for true Christianity. Those last two sentences don't really flow.
What I'm trying to say is that I have to do this. I have to be a Jesus Freak, if for the only reason that no one else is. I will do and say things at UofL that I hope will challenge people. And I frankly feel so strongly about this that I don't even care if it costs me my dream. I don't care if I can't be a teacher. This is just too important. And I have to make people see that. At University I have been forced to look directly into the face of people who wish that I, as a Christian, had never been born. I have been told to my face that what I believe is stupid and makes no sense. And to my shame I didn't have an answer. But there is an answer. And that is that Christianity is the Truth. And that once again a few will have to stand up for the Truth against all odds and all others.
It truly is a battle that I cannot hope to win, and when I think about the people that won't listen, not just to me, but at all, it makes me want to scream. But I think this is a war that people don't even know the sides on, and I intend to struggle with all my might to make people realize that the Truth is more than just a matter of opinion, more than just a worldview, and more than just something to keep yourself amused by. There truly is Nothing more important. So I will become a Freak. For Jesus.

The terrifying truth

Greetings everyone, I would like to ask you a simple little question. And it is, why do people not believe the truth? Is it simply that they can't see the blatantly obvious facts? Or is it that they actually refuse to believe it despite the obvious? I was just thinking and imagining and reading about some students at a university where they are getting trash talked because they are Christian and believe in creation instead of evolution. Which is frustrating for me because as you may know, I've been studying this topic for a very long time. And I've come across so many roadblocks for evolution, with not even a hint of an answer from evolution, but a very rational answer from creationism. I was just reading this one evolutionary scientist who admits that the only reason he believes in evolution is because "creationism is just too incredible". So he turns from something that he can't quite comprehend to something that simply does not work.

So this got me thinking about truth and how this man appears to not believe in the truth, but to believe in a lie that he knows is a lie. Why would someone knowingly do this? I think it's because lies are so comfortable, so easy. A lie is apart from reality and therefore has no useful bearing on the world and therefore is safe. If I believe in something that doesn't apply to the real world, then I don't have to deal with the real world. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe. But the truth is different. It is not safe from blame and responsibility. The truth is unflinchingly and unabashedly real. To believe in the truth means that you have to face up to the real world and frankly, the real world isn't all that nice. It's scary. It doesn't let you off the hook. Because in the truth there is no margin for error, there is no place that you can step out of line, for then it isn't the truth, but a lie. A lie can be changed on a whim, without consequence or care, but the truth is unwavering, unchanging.

But here's the thing, while a lie sounds like such a great thing, a safe place where everything is as you want it to be, it isn't real. Only the truth is real. So really, it just means that we're fooling ourselves. We're not gaining anything by lying to ourselves. It's only when we finally turn and embrace the truth, hard and dangerous as it is, that we can really have anything real. A lie is a mere mist, here today, gone tomorrow, to be quickly replaced by another. The truth is something that you can count on. It doesn't change, and if we can learn to accept it and maybe even embrace it, then maybe we can have something to base ourselves on. To anchor to. Maybe part of the reason that the world is such a mess is because we don't have anything solid. There is so much mist that it's hard to actually see the truth sometimes. I guess that's where we come in. The Christians. Because we know the truth, and we have to use it to set the captives free.

perfection

I just had an odd realization. Odd because it's kinda something that everyone knows, but I've never really thought about it much. And what it is, is that nothing is perfect. You know the phrase "no one is perfect", but just think for a second. With the one notable exception of God, everything is flawed. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, the perfect photo, a perfect blade of grass. No matter how amazing the one you love is, they'll still let you down sometimes, no mater how awesome your business plan is, it still might not take off, and no matter how long you look past your own faults, you can still always find another one. Maybe that's kind of it, that we can't have anything really and truly perfect without God. That really everything in creation is screaming out for him, because nothing really measures up. I had to face myself today. I was looking at a photo of Grace. We were going to the Titanic Exhibit at the Science Center, and she took the photo and put it into a frame along with this really cool heart thing and a sweet note. Anyways, I had just watched an episode of Scrubs in which JD realizes that he doesn't love Elliot (or however you spell that), and that he was looking at the things she did, and he liked them, but he didn't love them, and eventually he realized he didn't love her either. So I looked at Grace, and I thought about how she gets so excited about summer, about how much she cares about the people around her, how good she is with names, how she loves to cuddle, how creative she is, and how much she trusts me to know what the heck I'm talking about sometimes. And I realized that I do love those things about her. I really do, and I'm pretty sure I will continue to love them, and occasionally make fun of them. And then I looked at her picture and I thought to myself, "Do I love her? Can I imagine spending my life with her?" And you know what? I didn't know. I know how desperately I wanted to just scream out yes, but I don't want to let myself get away from this. It's scary. Because I know that there's so many things that could go wrong, that we might end up just being defeated by distance, that we're not the ones for each other, that I might say something stupid. But maybe that's where God comes in, when we're scared. Maybe it's because of him that on our wedding day we can look into each other's eyes and say that we'll love each other through thick and thin. Because nothing is perfect, but God is big enough that he can hold it together even despite that, maybe it's even because of that. So Grace, do I love you? Yes. I do. Sometimes I honestly don't know, but I want to, and maybe that's enough for now. I don't know. I'm not perfect. But with God's help I hope my love for you can be.

Kingdom come

So... So far this has been an eventful day. I just found out that Evan, my old youth pastor, is going to be leaving Hope to plant a new church in Chestermere. It was kind of clever how he went about telling everyone because he did it through his sermon which was on the kingdom of God. I thought it was kind of weird because as he was getting farther in he was talking about how being a part of God's kingdom doesn't mean inviting him into our own kingdom and telling him to clean up, but it means to enter into his and be under him. And as he was talking about this he is starting to tear up a bit. It was kind of funny because you could feel everyone starting to feel that something's amiss and then after a minute, ding! We all realize what he's talking about. So there are some tears shed and some heartfelt prayers and then the service is over. After that all the youth (and the twenty somethings) all stay and have a pizza party to just sort of talk things over and ask Evan questions. Seems there's going to be some major changes going on for the youth! But he isn't actually going to be moving until the end of the year so at least everyone has time to get used to the idea. I'm really proud of Evan and his family. It took a lot of courage to do something like that and I like how Evan put it, "If I'm not willing to do anything that God asks me to, then how can I tell you that you should?" Too true, too true.

So on my way home I'm thinking about this, and I decided to blog this because I think it will probably be important enough for me to remember. So here I go.

I've realized that I have done what Evan was talking about, simply invited God into my kingdom and told him to clean up and help me with everything. and you know what? It hasn't worked all that well. So I have decided that I am going to become a part of his kingdom. I haven't been baptized yet because I always thought to myself, "I'm not ready yet". But I realized, what do I need to get ready for? And how would I ever get ready? I realized there isn't anything I need to do except take that first step. Make that commitment. So here I am. I have decided that there will be no deals, no if-thens, no takebacks. Because after all, isn't that what commitment is? I don't know when I'll be baptized, but I know that it is simply the physical showing of the commitment I have already decided to make. So here I go, hope for the best, and see what happens and if something changes. We shall see...

Why do men fight? What do they fight for? Is it for the families and countries that they love? Do they even know what it means to love? Is it just to run away from the pain of all the failings that we cannot face? Is it a desperate cry to God to come and take away all that is in us and to leave us bare of all the turmoil of the world? Or is it truly for freedom that we fight? Is it truly for honor and love and justice? Is man really even able to tell? But what is a war? Is it the flailing of a country fighting to survive or simply greed for what we don't have and others do? Is there anything that is big enough to quench that thirst? Anything that tries to fill that vast void is simply swallowed and the search continues for the next big thing. So are we really looking for that thing that is big enough? That thing that can fill us? Is that why we fight? For truth, justice, greed, power, and the almighty stuff. It's kinda funny then that the very thing that we fight and die for is the thing that is so obvious if we simply stop and look. Look at the mountains, the colors in the sky, the tiny things that grow in the dirt, the humans themselves, as fallible as they are. It all screams the scream of a creator. I choose to call him God. I think that this crazy creator guy might be able to fill that void. I know that He can in me, because I felt it before. I let Him slip away because I was afraid that He would fill the void so much that He might just fill me until there was nothing left of me. That He might fail just like everything else I know. That He might crush me. Or even see my own failings. And so that is why I fought, and why I still fight. I fight to hide. To stay hidden from God, from people, from anyone that could notice I'm not perfect. Not even good. So it really is a fight for something bigger, but just not quite so observant. Unfortunately I know there isn't anything. So why do I still fight? Is it hope? Is that just a blatant disrespect for the word? Why can't I accept my crap? That I suck. That I can't do it. Not even a little? Is it really my dad? Is it really you? Have I always seen you as infallible to the point that I must be in order to even be worth being called your son? Or am I just trying to place the blame on shoulders that are seperate from mine? Am I really that selfish? The short answer is yes, but is that it? There's so much that I used to have. That I used to love about myself. Now I don't even care. I know I can't be good, so why do I even try? Why do I even fight? What's the point really? I know I was never good enough for my dad, so why should I be good enough for God? Why would you do something so idiotic as to accept me? The real me. Not the fake me fighting to be what I used to be, but the piece of crap me right now. You shouldn't have done that. I don't know if I believe in love big enough for that. I don't. Oh...

I think I may have something here...

I think I just figured out why I don't ever get close to anyone! It was during acting class, and Cindy asked Aaron if he had trouble opening up to people. I immediately was all ears cuz that totally applies to me. Aaron said he didn't have that and Cindy said that it seemed there was something holding him back. And then I figured it out. I believe that people are evil. Now maybe you're thinking "well obviously, it says that in the Bible" but I don't know if people really believe that. The way I view it is that everyone will attack eventually. Everyone will try to hurt. So the obvious thing for me to do is to stay away from that. Well, I'll have to get into that later, I gotta do some acting homework. Hmm... How to connect and still be safe... Not possible.

The trouble with people...

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't like life right now. I'm not really sure of anything right now, so allow me to do some figuring out. As you probably know, I've been having a really tough time with my faith and just figuring out what the whole point is. Well, last night Jon called me up and wanted to hang out. I thought that was a great idea, so I said yes. Jon and I have been friends for a long time, and one of the things that I've held dearest (if that doesn't sound too cheesy) is that both he and I were Christian. It was great to have him to kind of back me up, well, only sometimes, but it was just good to know that I had someone else that was the same as me. Not so any more. (bet you didn't see that one coming) I would have been kinda ok with that if he had some good reason, but he didn't really. It was just the usual "if God is good, why does He let all this bad stuff happen?". That is a good question, but I think the answer is this, God gave us two gifts, the gift of life, and the gift of free will. That means that He promises that we can choose for ourselves anything that we want. We can have absolutely anything we want because of this free will, either the pleasures of the world, or a relationship with God. But there comes the price. If we are to have true free will, God can't interfere. We have to live with the consequences of what we do. It must break God's heart to see what we choose for ourselves, and for others. But He can't interfere, otherwise He would take away one of, if not the most precious gifts He gave to us. I don't know why that doesn't make sense. But anyways, then he was telling me about how he can't believe some of the stuff in the Bible. Like the flood or the burning bush. He said the flood is impossible because matter can't be created or destroyed, so where did all the water go? I thought that was kind of a lame excuse, but whatever. I mean, why doesn't he just say that creation is impossible? I think that would be a lot easier! And then, he's talking about a God who made a virgin pregnant. He doesn't play by the rules. But then, I've also seen Him do stuff by stretching the rules as well. Maybe the world was a lot flatter back then, and it was the flood that started to create the amazing mountains and valleys. Maybe it was the flood that cracked apart Pangea and that created huge valleys in the earth's crust and maybe that's where the water went. Or maybe God just said, "Go water go" and poof! Gone water. Why do we try to limit things we can't understand? Jon's explanation of the burning bush really made me wonder though. It seemed more like he was trying to convince himself it was impossible, which it is, but that's never stopped God before. It was interesting because he started by explaining that it is impossible for a bush to spontaneously combust in a cave (I don't remember there being a cave, but I'd have to recheck that). That's all fine and dandy, and for his point that was all he needed. But then he went on to explain away how all the talking with God and stuff could just have been a hallucination from inhaling too much smoke. Which, I think, is also just fine and dandy. But then why did he need to go one step farther once he had already shown the impossible?

no good or evil, just grey
said that he beat the "can't see wind" arguement but then he says he can see demons, which is scientifically impossible

Random thoughts on the Bible

I just had an interesting idea about what the Bible is. We were talking a lot about how we view the bible in spiritual formation the last few days. The modern view (modern as in era) is seeing it as a answer book, like a instruction manual or a cook book. We were saying that that kind of is a turnoff nowadays because the postmodern world now is dead set on being independent. So the way that we should be looking at it is as more of a history book. Now when Sharla said that the very thing that I thought was "Yech, now I REALLY don't want to read it." And in my view that totally takes away from the power of the Bible. Having it merely as a history book makes it unimportant. I can get along just fine without having a clue about who the first person was. Plus it really doesn't have all that much bearing on the world today. Sure the past affects the present, but it isn't the present. It doesn't change me. So then I got to thinking, cuz I agree that the view of the Bible as an answer book is also not all that great. A bit too rigid and impersonal. So what I think the Bible is... Ready for it? I think the Bible is like a conversation. It is the word of God right? So doesn't that kind of imply that it is God's words to us? Him talking to us almost? And then look at what a conversation is. It is a means of getting closer to whomever you are talking to. It can be used to instruct, discipline, encourage, or tell a really cool true story! Just a thought.

Discoveries 2

So today in acting we had a mini discussion about what our creative energy is and how we use it and get it back. It started off with Cindy giving us a quote to the effect that we use our creativity to glorify God, and that by our art, not just acting, we can let a little bit of God's glory shine into the world. How encouraging is that? What we get to tap into when we get creative is a little bit of our reflection of God. We get to tap into what God gave us at our very core! Art is an expression of the heart, and God said that He would give us the desires of our heart. Hmm... I forget where I was going with that... Maybe it'll come to me later. But anyways, we actors get to have a little bit of something that no one else can really get. We get to connect with God on so many different levels. We get to understand people and how they connect with God and we get to connect as those people! We get to learn about and understand some of the most complex creatures that God created and even get paid for it! It makes me think of phsychology. I always wanted to learn some of that, but now I'm starting to realize that I can understand people better than a phsychologist because I can actually think like the person. Seems like a pretty good insider's view! So we get to connect with God with all the complexities of another person. This really isn't half as exciting as what we actually got to, but my brain is kinda slow at the moment. Oh well! I'm still excited!

Why?

Ok. I am really angry right now and I don't exactly know why. Well partly because my stupid computer can't remember the stupid password so that I can actually post on this stupid thing. So after about ten minutes of scrambling I can finally post in here and now I don't remember what it even was that I was going to write... I really don't like myself right now... I've changed so much over school but I'm wondering if that's really such a good thing. I've been really quick tempered lately (which is like saying "the cows are especially intelligent today"), I can't seem to make myself care about anything, and I've even started to judge people. I guess that sounds kinda dumb but I've always prided myself in never judging people untill I had actually talked with them and gotten to know them. The caring thing isn't so new which is really frusterating. I mean, I go to school and they try to teach me to be open with my emotions and let stuff affect me, but I don't even care! I want to care so badly, but I just can't do it. And I am still scared absolutely to death with failing. I'm still short almost a thousand dollars for school, which is fine because my parents will gladly pay for it and I still have another week to work anyways, but I can't even make myself tell them because that means that I failed. That I didn't have what it takes to get all the money I need and that I just am not strong enough. MAN I need to hit something... And the thing that I've been most angry about is that I have no relationship with God. None! And I don't care. I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't make myself care. I've been reading and hearing so much lately that God is love and loves you for who you are no matter what, but I just can't believe that He'd love me. I don't believe that I'm worth that. I mean, the God of the universe, who created everything and IS goodness, loving a worthless piece of crap like me. I can't believe that. I hate this, I have so much knowledge (well more than most people anyways) about God and Christianity and stuff, but I have no experience. It's the difference between looking at a map and actually traveling to the places on it. I know that Chrisianity is right, I've found that with my research and from other people who've figured it out, but I can't DO it. What good is a beautiful piece of music if there's no one to play the notes?