As I presume will be the case with some letters to come, I doubt you will ever actually read this. This letter is more for me to be able to sort through my thoughts and try to move past them. You know how I tend to think hard, but think really slow. I'm hoping that this letter will let me finally put my thoughts to rest and let me move on. You've held hold of my heart and mind for long enough. I've spent so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it, but I don't think I'll ever have the chance to. Anyways, if you ever did decide to give me the time of day, this is what I want to say.
Man, I just don't know how you got me so so wrong. I mean, you know me right? You know I'm practically impotent at communication over text. You know that I'm not condescending, or judgmental, or an asshole. You know these things about me, so why the heck, over one short burst of text conversation, would you decide that everything you know about me is totally wrong??? Why wouldn't you at least try to talk to me to understand what went wrong? Why would I suddenly be acting and talking so different from what you've always known me to be? Am I not worth the effort to understand? Do you not care? You told me you love me! I thought that meant you care! When you told me you'd be there for me no matter what, I thought that meant that you would at the absolute minimum talk to me no matter what! I'm so vehemently frustrated! And angry! I don't deserve to be cast aside like this. From the very conversation that you threw me away over I commiserated with you how we both have the flaw of thinking too little of ourselves and that we both needed to remember that we are not garbage to be thrown away. We both deserve better. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. I meant what I said. I'm mad, but I will always care for you. Call it condescending if you want, but I call that at least a little bit of love. I love you, especially as I have gotten to know you more. I think the world of you. I don't know how this could have turned out so wrong. I guess some miscommunication when talking about hurts would do it eh? Yeah, about that...
I still am not brave enough to re read our last conversation. The panic I feel thinking about it, I just can't right now. Which is a little pathetic I admit, but you already know how painful this is. Having someone you deeply care about cut you out? It hurts deep. But despite that I still keep going back to the parts I do remember. For the first couple months I keep thinking, "What the hell happened? What went wrong?" I tried to talk to you, but I shouldn't have ever tried to text. I should have just asked to meet. Then maybe we could have understood each other. I remember the panic of that last conversation. The weeks of writing and rewriting my message, trying to explain as succinctly as possible, while also trying to bridge towards you, who I treasure. I remember the feeling of this precious relationship slipping through my hands. Thinking back I remember talking about Grace and having no clue why she had come up. I think I understand now, but then I was just afraid that you were maybe misunderstanding something about my previous relationship in a way that made it relevant to ours. I didn't realize you thought I was comparing my relationship with Grace to yours with Ryan and Alex. It seems so obvious now, but I was so panicked and defensive, and you seemed to mad and insulting. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't aware enough to bypass the things that didn't matter and hone in on what had actually gone wrong.
I think I have figured it out though. Of course, I don't really have a way of knowing, but I think I really got it. It comes down, as it did a few times in our disagreements, to a different understanding of words. I've talked to a few people and I've learned that my understanding of 'flaws' is actually different from most people's. Not a good thing. Not at all. You see, I think of people sort of like stained glass windows. Beautiful, shining in light, but with many cracks. I thought of those chips and cracks in the glass as flaws. The word I should have been using was brokenness. I don't think of a flaw as intrinsically negative. They can easily lead to negativity, the word I had in my head being faults, but did not have to. When you said that those things I listed weren't flaws, but just things that happened to you, I pretty much agree! They are spots of deep brokenness in you, and a number of them parallel cracks in my own life. I remember you texting me that a flaw is "pushing yourself too hard" which confused me at the time. I mean, that could be the result of a flaw (my thinking) but seemed more like a quirk of personality. I'm sorry I think so differently. Sometimes people find it novel, but I think it's more trouble than it's worth. That's why I try to ask lots of questions, so I can understand as much as possible the way someone else is thinking. I just couldn't do it enough over text. I didn't understand where the breakdown in communication was happening. I was truly trying to encourage you, not stand in judgement or condemnation. I wasn't even thinking of my own experience in pointing those four things out! I was remembering the conversations we had had before and trying to give you a different way of looking at those broken parts and seeing how they weren't as damaged as you may have thought. Ironic that from your perspective I was laughing at how bad you were in those areas.
I guess I want to try to explain why I did point out those particular places of brokenness. I guess I really misunderstood what you were trying to say to me in those conversations. You weren't the only one who misunderstood. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to understand. I thought that I did understand, but I see now just how mistaken I was.
Firstly was talking about previous relationships. I recall having several conversations over the course of our relationship, but the particular one you said something that I remember perfectly because I thought it was so poetic. You said "I guess the relationship was over before we actually broke up." It was about Ryan and Alex that you said that, so I really shouldn't have generalized and said it was "some of your past relationships". Should have been more specific I guess. I see why you thought I was comparing your relationships to my relationship with Grace. At the time I was just baffled as to why she came up. I wasn't thinking about her at all. Just what you had previously told me. Though you did mischaracterize my relationship with her... It doesn't really matter though. She wasn't relevant to the conversation we were having.
The second thing with talking badly about yourself was pretty much exactly the conversation we had had a couple weeks before that, and it didn't seem you took offence to it either time, so I'll just leave it. You did comment that you really liked the way I'd put it the first time though, so I think you got what I was saying. Don't make a description become a prescription. Anyways...
Talking about self worth was probably what I'm most confused about. If you assume that I was using the normal definition of flaw then what I said really wouldn't have made any sense. And it seems, thinking back on it, that you didn't think it made sense, but you just insulted me instead of asking me to make sense of it. It could have been the perfect opportunity to find out where the wires were getting crossed. Man, I wish we could have been more clear headed. I was terrified and you were mad, and now I'm somewhat mad and you're just... Well I guess I don't really know you as well as I thought, so I have no idea what you're thinking. Maybe you still think about me and wonder what went wrong, or maybe how you could have missed how awful I am, or maybe you just aren't thinking about me at all. Just purged me from your life scorched earth style. I hope not. I still hope we can reconcile someday. Someday we can understand each other and start again. I really like you. I think we could have a truly wonderful friendship.
Finally is the one that you seemed to have gotten the most mad at. Talking about Jeff. Now here I think I did actually make a presumption. At least in one part. I didn't only go by what we had talked about in the past. But we'll get to that.
I remember talking a couple times about Jeff and marriage. In particular I remember talking one time in your room about marriage vows. I can't remember exactly what you said, but when I asked you about what you thought of wedding vows and maybe marrying again in the future, you said something along the lines of, "I do think the vows matter a lot. I'd really have to think about it before doing something like that again." Again, I don't remember your exact words, but I don't know how else to interpret what I do remember. The topic changed soon afterwards, so I didn't really get into details with you, but I can't imagine what you meant other than that you'd really have to consider yourself before making vows again. I don't see any other interpretation. I'd love to get clarity, because you seemed really upset about that in particular. That's not me calling you a bad person for getting a divorce. You told me only a little bit of the details, so all I have to go off is what you told me. I just know that when I broke my word it broke a bit of me, and it sounded to me like the same happened with you. I can't imagine how deep that brokenness goes in you. I'm sorry that it happened.
And the last thing that I am very sorry for is making a presumption. I said that you should have fought harder for your marriage. And I shouldn't have. I don't know the full situation. I don't know how hard it was to stay. I just know when you told me that you wished that he had fought for you, I thought you wanted him to have fought as hard as you had. I thought that because when I've talked to every one of my friends who have gotten a divorce, every one of them said they wish they had fought harder for their marriage. The men and the women. I presumed that you were like that as well. I shouldn't have thought that and I'm sorry.
I guess that's it then, huh? I wanted to explain myself a little bit. Try to help you understand where I'm coming from and see that you took what I was trying to say over text in the wrong way. I definitely see that I never should have tried to say anything really tough over text. You'd think I'd have learned that by that point! I'm sorry that I couldn't communicate well. And it cost me you. One of the people I care most about. I still feel hurt, angry, sad.. sometimes. I guess I thought that I was worth fighting for. I thought that you loved me. I love you. Always will. It'll never look like it did, but when I said I'd be here for you no matter what I meant it. You will always be special. I will always care for you. Goodbye, sweet Sar-bear.
