self discovery at it's best

An odd and annoying thing that I discovered (actually it's probably rediscovered) about myself a few days ago. I've discovered that I only miss people when I'm with them, with the notable exceptions of Grace and Carsyn. I found this out when I went and got to hang out with Juli, Sharon, Lizzy, and Aaron. It was fun and fantastic and great and there was really good spaghetti, but when I was there I just started to realize how much I miss them all, and it really sucked when I actually had to say goodbye! So I think it's something like I miss people subconsciously, or something... Maybe it's just that I don't know what I have until I'm just about to lose it! Hee hee. I really love you guys! You Playhousers! I'm really glad that we can still be friend in spite, or maybe even because of our differences! Love you and I'll see you next time!

Good morning December

Hey there December, it's been a long time coming, I've missed you over summer, but at last you're finally here.
There's so many things I've wished and waited for, so many discoveries that I have yet to explore.
The spirit of Christmas, once lost, may be found again, along with cuddling by the fire.
And as the fire crackles and flickers I'll turn and whisper, oh I love you so.
But that's not yet to happen I'm afraid, but it shall be soon, just once I get ready for the ski season.
Lots of crashes and burning to do! And some coolness in every sense.
But that's about all I got for now, I'm afraid I must clean my room and how!

November 19th

So, yesterday, here's what happened. The day started off fine and dandy, I went to the High School to watch some fight scenes and do some dancing. Lots of awesome! I pretty much remembered all the choreography, which was nice considering this one song I've just been learning for a few times. And ya, it's dance, so it was really fun. Oh, Rachel seems to have made some good friends, so that's a relief! Anyways, after that I came home and talked with Grace for a while, then had a shower, then took Luke, Josh, and Kurtis to the church for band practice, and then headed off to Calgary. The roads were pretty good, so I made some pretty good time. Got into Calgary at about five to six, and the show is at seven thirty, so I kinda felt dumb for having such a huge amount of extra time, but whatever, it worked. I parked in Marlburoug and took the C-train to the school, having to only transfer once, so only about ten minutes of standing in the cold. Got to the school and bam! There was Juli and Sharon making popcorn and cotton candy! Hugs for everyone! So I helped out with that until Ashley and Megan arrived, as well as David! Haven't seen that kid since the last time! Which was when he left school. Dang. Anywho, that was a great reunion time and we all made popcorn bags together and it was great. And then the popcorn machine started burning and set off the fire alarm, so the show was postponed for about twenty minute while we waited for the firemen. Good times. Finally the show began. Godspell. Put bluntly, it was fantastic, like, holy crap was it amazing! It's basicly the entirety of the story of Jesus set inside a circus! So it's a whole lot of clowning, some amazing acrobatics, some singing, some dancing, and getting into the audience a whole lot! Hanna actually had a moment when she came up to me unexpectedly and scared the crap out of me! It was great! It was such an interesting show to watch, because it kinda had a story, but at the same time it was a bunch of odd characters acting out different stories in really interesting ways. And there was a high school student in it. Not sure what was up with that. I must say, this show put pretty much anything we did last year to shame. (not really, but kinda) Yeah. It was fantastic, so there was Hanna, who was a really brightly colored clown, Andrew was the ringleader, then Brandon was Jesus (big surprise), Esther was dressed in a bright vest and hat a top hat with a flower stuck in it and she was the show off, Courtney was the wide eyed innocent one in a pink tutu, Geena was the exotic beauty as expected, Mabe was a grumpy guy with suspenders, and Kendal was the strong man! Ooooo I missed that kid! So after the show we all had happy reunions and huge hugs, and some carrot cake, and lots of laughing with Kendal. You know, I didn't even know how much I missed him until yesterday. It was just so fun to see him and it was just great! Then we all (my class, most of Kendal's class, and most of the first years) went down to the Kilk for food and visiting. I ended up sitting with a bunch of first years, and managed to actually carry on some good conversations so it was great! And I also found out that one of the first years I went to high school with. So I met Sarah, Daryl, Karmen, Jessica, and that's it. And then Steven joined us later on, which was also great! Then everyone started to leave at about twelve thirtyish, (I had somehow managed to lose my watch on the way there) but I ended up staying until about one thirty. Finally said the goodbyes and nice to meet yous, and headed off to the train station. Took the train down to downtown and got off for the transfer and proceeded to stand there for about twenty minutes. Then a lady came up and asked me if I knew when the last train was coming and I said I thought it was at two. After another lady came and asked the same thing we found out that there actually were no more trains as the last train left at about one thirty. Lame, so the lady and I went down to Macs to see if we could get a cab, we couldn't because the checkout guy said that it's a bad neighborhood, so they won't send a cab, so we went to a nearby hotel and asked there, there we were told that the cab companies weren't picking up the phone, so we would just have to wait and hope a cab came along, so we waited outside for a few minutes and then managed to find one, and then took it on down to Marlburoug. I think the lady was really glad that I was going through this all with her. She was working the late shift at Wendys and was just trying to get home to Rundle. So I think she was okay. Then I brushed off the car and headed home! Got home at about three. Good times. Oh! And then I had an odd dream! There was this really big auditorium and this big guy (he was one of the first years that didn't come to Kilk) was standing on the stage and he was going to be shot with this big fake sniper rifle. It was just a huge cardboard cut out at the back of the room. And then the lady that I met at the train station came in all decked out and did some supreme ruling stuff and the guy was saved! I then got to talk to her a bit and she told me that she was only called to do this sort of thing every once in a while, but I told her she was awesome and I wished her the best of luck! Then I woke up. All in all, a fantabulous day!

Dream Sequence

Hey everyone! I had another dream last night! I hated it. It was almost fantastic and then something happened and it turned into one of the worst dreams ever. I'll let you figure out where that is. I can only remember a few different scenes from it, so here they are.
There's this guy named x13 and then a few more letters, but I can't remember them. He's got this power that turns his body into incredibly long and thin spikes. So it looks like the spikes are about a foot long, but actually then extend for about four or five feet. I can't remember if he is explaining that to me, or if he's trying to kill me and the narrator tells me about him... oh well...
Next scene: (hmm... I just realized that most of the dream and awesomeness happened before this, but I can only remember after it went wrong) Carsyn comes over to visit and watch this play with me, and so she meets me at the play and sits down, and I sit next to her, after about thirty seconds, she gets up and says, "well, I'm done." I ask if she's leaving, and she says yes, so I give her an odd look and say that she's only been here for a few minutes and she say, "well, you are my best.............freak." and then runs off.
Next scene: I'm running after Carsyn and she has caught up with three other people. One of which I recognize as a bad lady from earlier in the dream. She (the lady) then attacks me, and is clinging onto me as I try to catch up with Carsyn. The lady is clung onto me and is for some reason trying to bite my crotch, so I have one hand holding her mouth open, and the other beating her head. Needless to say, I can't catch up with Carsyn by the time she and the two others jump into a SUV.
Next scene: I'm at the building that Carsyn went to, and I'm trying to figure out a way in, but not having much luck. No one has noticed me though.
Next scene: I'm on the roof of the building, and I'm somehow endowed with Superman's powers, and then I'm fighting this crazy magician guy with a knife. He says this spell thing and then lunges toward me, but the narrator tells me that the technique he used can kill even superman, so I use his momentum to throw him off the roof, and I watch as he tries to remember the spell that activates his jetpack. He does remember, but he still crashes to the ground, ruining his jetpack, and hurting him pretty bad.
That's all I can remember, but I remember waking up a little later, and lying in bed on the verge of tears for about two hours just replaying Carsyn calling me a freak... Lame.

Dream Sequence

Okay, here's another dream that I just had last night. I was teaching an improv class in this odd room. It was roughly L shaped, and it had a pass through thing on the south part of it. Anyways, I had three people from the class come up and I told them the improv scene they were going to do. There were two kids that I don't recognize, and Lothar, Grace's dad. So I told them that they were at work and the two kids were going to totally screw up unplugging a toilet or something like that, when Lothar, their boss, comes in. I remember saying "remember the pizza? Kinda like that." I don't really know what that was about. Anyways, so they start the scene and Lothar stands off behind the class to wait for a good entrance. So the two kids start doing something. I couldn't quite tell what, but before I can figure it out, a whole bunch of people (they weren't there before) run into the scene and start trying to see what's going on. So there's two groups of people in front of me, and everyone is being loud and crazy, and I remember seeing this little lady in a green dress tearing like heck around one of the groups. Finally :Lothar comes up next to me and says that I should probably stop it since things are getting out of hand. He told me to yell "King" for some reason. So I stop everyone, and send everyone who isn't in Drama 25/35 out. There are these two random kids who can't quite remember if they are in those classes, but then the girl says "wait, we were in Terminator, so we must be in it." Then I got the whole class to sit down and I asked them all what they liked about it, what they didn't like, and what they would have done differently. Then I woke up!

Quote of the day

That's the thing about freedom. It's never free. - Logan Kale from Dark Angel

the feelings of words.

Today I realized the power of using very specific words. I was at work and I was already having a pretty stressful day because of all the tables that I had in quick succession. I was behind on getting everyone their drinks and I had just had another table sat, so I still had to take their order, and I was just really stressed. And then Ali comes up to me and says "uh, you know that they ordered a perogy pizza at 63 right?" (all the tables are numbered so we can keep track of them) And so I started freaking out cuz I had no idea what to do, should I get that taken off the bill? Should I order a new one? Should I just pretend that it was the kitchen's fault? (totally wasn't) So I mush have said something out loud because Ali just says "oh, just order a perogy. They're just munching on the pepperoni for now." And just because of the word munching I totally calmed down. Just right there. Oh, they're just munching, that's okay! No panic there! It was the weirdest thing ever, but I thought it was really cool and I'm going to be looking a lot more for words with a very interesting reaction. I'm kinda excited!

Tactics

Hey everyone! This is about a thing that my Uncle Dan taught I think it was last year actually... I'm kinda behind on writing about it, but whatever! So, anyways, tactics is simply a bunch of different tactics that we learned about with talking with other people about beliefs and whatnot. It was very interesting and very good! The first thing that we learned about is called the Columbo tactic. Named after the famous fictional detective who used the tactic of always asking questions to solve his cases. So it's pretty much the same thing for us! The basic questions are 1:"what do you mean by that?", "how did you reach that conclusion?", and the last one isn't so much a question as finding the flaw or flaws in the other person's reasoning and asking them questions about it until they figure out that it just doesn't work! I thought that this was really cool because that's what I like to do anyways! I've found that if you ask people questions they are much more likely to talk, and if you ask them specific questions you can get them thinking in the right direction! After all, not many people like being told what to think, but if they reach the conclusion themselves, they're much more likely to accept it and like it! So, the first question is simply for clarification, it's a stall tactic as well, giving you a little more time to think about whatever you need to figure out. And it also avoids confusion later when you're both saying the same thing, but meaning different things! The second question is to make the person defend their claim, after all, it's whoever makes a claim that has to defend his view. Anyone can make a claim, but for it to actually be worthwhile it has to stand up to scrutiny! So, the second question gets the other person to actually defend his or her idea and you know what's funny? A lot of the time they actually have no idea how they reached their conclusion! Usually it's just something they've been told and accepted without thinking about it! And if they do actually have a thought process, it gets you more information on what they're thinking and why, and also gives you a chance to look for flaws in their thinking. The last question depends on what the conversation is about but basically it's just finding the flaw in the thinking and bringing it to the other person's attention by asking questions about it. I found this to all be really helpful, but it's also kinda hard cuz if you're not careful it becomes a contest to try and prove the other person wrong instead of actually wanting to know what they think and why. The desire has to be there or you're just fighting instead of talking. Not so good. And that's pretty much the Columbo tactic! After that there was the suicide tactic, the "taking the roof off" tactic, and the steamroller tactic. I'll get back to those later!

Dream Sequence

Hello dear readers! I've had another dream this fine night, and I felt that I would share it with you. Actually I've had it three times in the past few nights, I just haven't been able to fully remember it until now.

So Meaghan calls me up and tells me that we should do some drama stuff and hang out. I say okay and then things get a little foggy, but eventually it turns out that her and I are up on a stage and we're doing Wicked. At least, we're pretending to do Wicked. She is doing all the lines, but I don't know them so I'm just improving away having a great time, and apparently I'm doing rather well! It's at this point that I notice that I'm wearing my bathrobe over my costume. Or maybe that was my costume... Dunno! So then we get to the last lines of the play and she sings a few bars of a song and I harmonize perfectly, and then we run off stage. It's at this point that I notice that there's an audience there and they all start clapping and I stand at the back rather stunned while Meaghan runs up onto the stage to take her bow. Then about eighty kids run up and also take a bow, and I try to run up, but there seems to be some kind of scaffolding in the way, so I have to crawl under it, and then I get on stage just as everyone is stopping clapping. But that's okay with me! Good times!

I have decided that Grace and I shall one day take this photo in real life. That is all.

that hidden fear

You know what I find scary? You know what is the thing that can just make me want to lock myself in my room and never come out? Well, I know I'm afraid of sharks and large bodies of water and ladders, but those are just little annoying avoidable fears. What really scares me is hidden inside. It hardly ever rears it's head so I sometimes forget about it. But it's always there. Anger. I'm afraid of my anger. You know why? Because it's so strong that I don't know what would happen if I didn't keep it in check. It gives me so much power. When I'm angry I can punch through a wall, scream, destroy things. It really scares me. Because you know what? Every time I get really angry I have to keep myself from lashing out. From just crashing my fists into anything near me. Because if I did that, what could stop me? I could wreck things that I might not be able to repair. I'm thinking of what I could do and say if I let myself lose myself in my anger. It would be intoxicating because it drives away fear, but I fear what would be left in the wake. So I'll hold it inside me. Because I don't know what will happen, what I'll say, who I'll hurt. And I don't want to know. That is my fear.

The Son strikes again

Hear me all you inhabitants of the earth! Hear me and tremble at my voice! I tell tales of distruction, fear, and anger. But also the tales of truth, joy, and love! Men shall kneel in my stead and tremble at my voice, but I am merely a man! A man with a calling! With a story deep in his heart and a voice and a mind to reveal it! For I am not but the messanger of the coming one. The one who is greater than all and power beyond any imagination. Far and wide I shall tell his tale and many shall revile me for it. I shall be struck down, spat upon, and dragged through the dust, but I shall not be silenced! For there is no greater power than that that I am going to reveal to you. It is a power to conquer nations, ideas, minds, and yes, even death. It is the power that makes the mightiest of men ashamed for their greatest acceivements. To make the greatest of nations fall at a glace. To calm the most fearsome heart and make it gentle as a lamb. You shall know his name, and I shall tell his tales from the farthest reaches of the earth to the other farthest reach. I shall, and I am. Thus says the son of the Drunken Prophet.

Dear Carsyn,
I decided that I should probably write you this letter to just clear my mind and kind of figure out how to deal with what's going on. I also have decided that I'm not going to send this to you because I don't want you to have to worry or deal with it or whatever. So here I go I guess. Carsyn, I love you. As weird as it is I still do. Which made it so hard to hear that you are getting married. It was really weird and surreal when you got up the courage to actually call me and tell me. What really makes me wonder is that you said you had to "get up your courage" which means that you were afraid which means that you knew that I still loved you. And yet you kept me in the dark. That's what hurts the most. Not that you've found someone better than me, but that you didn't tell me. And I know you think that you said it, but you really didn't. There's something totally different about saying "I'm friends with this really great guy" and I'm thinking I'm going to marry him. I know that it's not like I was the best "long distance..." whatever. We never did give a name to what our relationship was which I guess ended up a bad thing. i thought that since we both loved each other we would still love each other or at least tell each other if something had changed. Carsyn, I know you don't know this, but I had intended to pick things up where we had left off and one day marry you. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I know that I didn't keep in touch as much as I should have, and I didn't come visit all that often, but you knew why that was, and I dunno. I just wish you would have told me. It was from I have a beautiful girl that I'm going to marry one day, I love her and she loves me. And then bam. I don't have anything. I wish I could be so angry at you. I wish that I could just hate you. But I can't, and I know that I'll be glad for that later. I still love you, so I want you to be happy. I guess that if he can make you happy then I can be satisfied. I can live with it. I've been praying that I can let go of my bitterness and I hope that I could even someday be friends with your soon to be husband. Just not right now. I guess now I'll just have to figure out a new way to love you. I wish you all the best. I sure hope my invitation to your wedding just got lost in the mail... I still miss you. I know that will take a while. Be happy. Goodbye.

So this is love

Welcome dear blog readers! I have a very interesting topic planned for tonight and it's only 1:30! It should be very interesting. It's one that my dear friend David says is the most overused and annoying topic ever thought upon. But I believe that it has a place. And for the moment, that place is here. And the topic is: love. Figures.

What is it? I have heard it said that it is a feeling. But feelings fade.

I have heard that it is an action. That seems to make sense to me, but I think it is a combination of the two. I think that it is the caring of the heart carried out through the body. At least partly.

Love is an attitude. It is the way that you go about your life. With genuine caring for the people around you. And any idiot knows that something genuinely felt must be let out. It simply isn't healthy otherwise. I can tell you for sure that love isn't a feeling. Because a feeling can and will change in a blink. Because we are supposed to love, and a feeling isn't something you can just make. It isn't something drummed up in a factory. But neither is love. Because love is the action to another feeling. It should be the action to any feeling but I don't know if we as humans can do that. It's the way you treat everyone, but for the moment, the one you love.

Love protects. It doesn't allow for anything that can truly damage. It is a shelter from all the feelings that may be raging around. But love will protect. Always. Not because it feels like it, but because it has decided to. It is the decision to protect no matter what, even if it's from you.

Love trusts. Because a person cannot truly live without trust. Trust is what enables us to connect and grow with another person. Love is willing to trust one more time. Even though it has been betrayed over and over. It will always give that chance that maybe this time it'll be different. And who knows, maybe this time it will.

Love hopes. This is kind of a restatement of what I just said. It's saying that maybe this time things will work out.

Love perseveres. This means that no matter what I won't betray you. That no matter what I will fight to protect you. That no matter what I will give you one more chance. That no matter what will really mean no matter what. That nothing will ever stop this thing, this feeling and attitude and posture and action and power. That no matter what, you shall be loved.

What if everything you ever wanted just fell into your lap? What would you do? Huh? Would you pick it up, no questions asked? Or would you question and question and question until there is nothing left? How often in life do we get to have happiness? How often do we get to have exactly what we want? And if we do get it, is it really what we want? Is it really everything we hoped and dreamed of? Isn't it just like life to dangle it in front of our nose and then take it away just when we really want it. When it's at the point of desperation. When you want it more than anything in the whole world. But you're wise to the tricks of the world. So you test it. You poke it, you observe it, you listen to it, and finally you determine that it is the real deal and you open it, but the flowers have already wilted. What will you do then? What if what we wanted was whatever we got? What if we figured out how to be content with what we have and enjoy it for all it's worth? What would happen then? What if you had to fight for it? To keep what you have? How hard would you fight? Or would you just figure that it'll just get taken away later? So what is the meaning of life? It really is Love.

Help Me

Walking through life

Everything's fine

at least on the outside

not so not so

not so not so

so why am I waiting

What 'm I lookin for

is real life on the outside

Then I'm walking through the door

So help me

Help me

Save me

I need you now more than ever

It's a crazy scary world

Not quite what I expected

evrything's angry

not so not so

not so not so

I'm feeling alone

not a soul in sight

enemies surround me

nothing left but the fight

So help me

Help me

Save me

I need you now more than ever

Please hear me

Find me

Save me

I need you now more than ever

Bleeding and broken

nothing left to lose

I throw my head skyward

I'm screaming out to you

nothing left for me here

nothing I can do

but to look to the sky

and scream out to you!!

Help me!

Help me!

Save me!

I need you now more than ever!

So help me!

Help me!

I know you'll hear

And soon be here forever.

Is this it?

Greetings to all of you out there in the land of the future. I sure do hope I find you well and possibly even happy! I'd just like to share a little something with you, if that's all right. I'm addicted to porn. Yep, you got it, that's me. And there's something that I've really been finding is that addictions don't just go away. Once your sucked in it's really hard to ever get out, and then you're still vulnerable. So I've decided to do something about it. So the first thing is definitely telling you all about this on my blog and then we'll see where it goes from there. So what made me able to come out and say that? I'll be it on a very remote part of the web... Well, a few things. Firstly I'm at camp, which kind of has me off balance to be constantly around people who are talking through their faith and experiencing some cool stuff, so that kind of has me off balance which is a really good thing. And then, right near the beginning of camp, Luke comes up to me and out of nowhere asks me what I'm feeling about Carsyn getting married. (more on that later) So I told him. The whole story, which admittedly isn't all that incredibly long, but it's mine and it's special. And then he did this really weird thing that I wasn't really ready for. He asked if he could pray for me. So after a moment of thought I said sure. And then we prayed. That is something I had given up on a very long time ago so it was weird, but it actually seemed to do something. I guess it was the last little push that reminded me for hopefully the last time that I can't do it. This whole life thing is just too hard to deal with so I decided that I would rededicate my life to God. I figured that I can't wait until I get baptized because that isn't the point of getting baptized. It's to show everyone else that I've made the commitment. So now I've decided to keep it. And I know that I'm lazy and can easily get apathetic so if you do read this please pray for me, or just talk to me if you don't believe in this God guy.

So here's what I've decided to do.

I'm reading my bible every night before bed.

I'm going to do something again about my addiction.

I'm going to keep praying for the people that I know need it.

I high-fived my dad yesterday... That's something I've never done before...

Dream Sequence

Greetings dear readers! A few times in the past while I've had some dreams that I've actually been able to remember. I ended up actually writing one down while I was at Playhouse North and a few since. I thought they were pretty interesting so I've decided to share them! They almost remind me of my Plug from Valencia story! Ok, here's one that I had a few weeks ago.

I'm at a party at one of my friends' house. Everyone's having a good time when all of a sudden half of everyone is a zombie. I run to the bedroom in the back and Patrick's sitting on the top bunk and I yell at him that we have to get of there. I then jump through the window and run to my truck. Unfortunately that is the point that I remember that I had left it at the last house we were at. I was going to run back to get Patrick but there were a group of zombies already limping towards me so I carried on. I was jogging along (I think to get back to my truck) when this group of six guys on bikes ride up behind me. I kind of freak out and I do something awesome (I think I kicked one of them off a bike or something) and then one of the guys (they're like 15ish) says "ok, I guess we can follow him." So they all jump off their bikes and start running along with me. I then decide we should probably be armed so we head over to a nearby warehouse. I open the big garage door and peek in and notice this really cute girl. But then she turns around and I see she's a zombie. I think "well that sucks", and then close the door and tell my group that we can't go in. Then a family of zombies starts to chase us down this alley with a gate on either end. I tell the guys to keep running and then I spin around and gun them down with my pistol. I start congratulating myself when this zombie in silver gladiator armor drags itself around the corner. The world stops for a second and his name appears "The Immolator" or "The Imunizor" or something like that. Anyways, the world starts up again and I run around the corner to my waiting group and I yell "guns up!". There are a whole bunch of guns on the ground marked like in Metal Gear Solid 4 and I pick one up. Then I turn around and we all start firing on the zombie guy. Then another zombie comes around the corner but this one is dressed in a cowboy outfit with two silver six shooters. All of our shots just bounce off his armor. It's at this point that I run out of ammo and start panicking. But then I think "Wait a second, why am I using this gun?" I then pull out a huge machine gun and open up. After a few seconds under the heavy fire both the zombies walk off. All the guys in my group trade high fives and We turn around to see this huge white truck. I look left and right and ask with a grin, "anyone know how to hotwire?". Then I woke up.

Kingdom come

So... So far this has been an eventful day. I just found out that Evan, my old youth pastor, is going to be leaving Hope to plant a new church in Chestermere. It was kind of clever how he went about telling everyone because he did it through his sermon which was on the kingdom of God. I thought it was kind of weird because as he was getting farther in he was talking about how being a part of God's kingdom doesn't mean inviting him into our own kingdom and telling him to clean up, but it means to enter into his and be under him. And as he was talking about this he is starting to tear up a bit. It was kind of funny because you could feel everyone starting to feel that something's amiss and then after a minute, ding! We all realize what he's talking about. So there are some tears shed and some heartfelt prayers and then the service is over. After that all the youth (and the twenty somethings) all stay and have a pizza party to just sort of talk things over and ask Evan questions. Seems there's going to be some major changes going on for the youth! But he isn't actually going to be moving until the end of the year so at least everyone has time to get used to the idea. I'm really proud of Evan and his family. It took a lot of courage to do something like that and I like how Evan put it, "If I'm not willing to do anything that God asks me to, then how can I tell you that you should?" Too true, too true.

So on my way home I'm thinking about this, and I decided to blog this because I think it will probably be important enough for me to remember. So here I go.

I've realized that I have done what Evan was talking about, simply invited God into my kingdom and told him to clean up and help me with everything. and you know what? It hasn't worked all that well. So I have decided that I am going to become a part of his kingdom. I haven't been baptized yet because I always thought to myself, "I'm not ready yet". But I realized, what do I need to get ready for? And how would I ever get ready? I realized there isn't anything I need to do except take that first step. Make that commitment. So here I am. I have decided that there will be no deals, no if-thens, no takebacks. Because after all, isn't that what commitment is? I don't know when I'll be baptized, but I know that it is simply the physical showing of the commitment I have already decided to make. So here I go, hope for the best, and see what happens and if something changes. We shall see...

This is my life

Hello my fellow Canadians! Or anyone else who ever has the misfortune of stumbling upon this little piece of the web. I am currently listening to a random techno song on my computer, I don't know what it's called and I don't particularly like it, but I'm too lazy to find a song I do like and put it on. So... How to follow up on such a title as "this is my life". Reminds me of the song from Switchfoot. Except that one is "this is your life". That was one of my favorite songs once. I don't really remember why it appealed to me so much, but it's still good.

So, for any of you who happen to have stumbled upon this for the first time, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ryan J Wahl. I don't tell people my middle name. I don't really know why, being as how I don't particularly care if anyone finds it out. I mean it's on my drivers licence and all that anyways. I have a few nicknames, but most of them are ones that only one or two people call me. They include Grasshopper, Rocket, John, Ry Guy, and Ree-an. Cool. I guess that doesn't really matter to you if you aren't one of the people that call me by a nickname. Whatever. So I'm twenty, just graduated from Playhouse North School of Theatre and am currently volunteering at my old high school with both my old drama teachers. The purpose of previously stated is that I wanted to see what it was like to teach drama in a high school setting. Although I think that they have an unfair advantage being as how they have one of the nicest theatres I've ever seen. Kinda small though. Anyways, I'm planning on eventually going to UofL to get a teaching degree. I'm hoping to major in drama with a minor in math. I guess that makes me one of those weird people who loves using the creative and analytical parts of the brain. But then again, there are aspects of both creativity and cold hard facts in drama and in math. I'll let you figure out what I mean. I think I lean more towards the analytical part though. Don't get me wrong, I love drama and the last two years have been two of the best years of my life, but I don't have the passion for being an actor. But I can see the value and the power of good theatre, and I really want to be able to effectively share that gift with other people. I don't know how well that would work with high school students, but I want to give it a try. There seem to be a few that I've me these last few weeks that can see the value and power in it, so maybe I can help bring that to the surface. That's my hope anyways.

Lets see... I am a Christian. And what does that mean? (In case you are wondering, I'm kind of obsessed with that question) Well, to me that means that I know the truth and I want to know more of it. I know (mostly) what's right and wrong, I know that there is a God, I know that there was this revolutionary guy named Jesus who, aside from being God, was the perfect example for how to live right. My idea of being a Christian is trying to do that. For those of you who don't quite know what that means, it means that I want to treat people with the respect that I would want myself. It means saying what needs to be said when no one wants to hear it. It also means to be smart enough to know what to say, that's the really hard part. It means committing myself to following after him and submitting myself to being a subject in his kingdom. You know, that really would sound downright weird if you weren't raised as a Christian or knew what those pieces mean. Oh well.

So why am I a Christian? Well, it's mostly from an intellectual standpoint. I mean, originally it was simply because that's the way I was raised, but lately over the last few years I've been making it more into my own understanding and belief. So anyways, a big reason is with the incredible evidence shown in science. I know that would probably sound weird if you thought that science proves evolution. But here's the thing, no matter what, science can't prove anything beyond a doubt, and actually there is little to no evidence for an unguided random evolution of everything that is here today. It's kind of funny, because more and more scientists are dropping the idea of random evolution, but it's still taught as if it's fact in schools. Sad. Really sad. It's funny because a big reason it is taught in schools is that it doesn't involve any "religion" into it. Which is funny because isn't saying there is no God just as much a "religion" as saying there is a God? Anyways, another reason I'm a Christian is because of the overwhelming evidence that the Bible is true. Insomuch as a history book, but if you look into it more, there's even reason to believe that everything in it is the truth. And to the undying frustration of many scholars, there are no discrepancies in it. As in, even though it was written by quite a few authors over the course of at least a few centuries, there are no contradictions or even the primary theme of the people living in the kingdom of God. Cool huh?

There are other reasons, but unfortunately there is far too little emotional and experiential experience for my taste. I have no idea what's up with this paragraph. So yes, that is my little rant on Christianity.

Next is a list of random facts about me that no one would really care about unless they were obsessed with me. See if you know a few!

Ok, my favorite food is lasagna with not too much spinach. I also love seafood and taco salad. I am a huge fan of manga and am collecting four or five series at the moment. I hate phones. I hate the occasional necessity of e-mails. I am an actor. I hate writing, but am thinking of writing a book. I have created numerous board games and card games and yet only seem to have a few survivors. I created an entire world an rule system since I didn't want to buy a rulebook for Dnd. My favorite color is purple, I suck at multitasking, I have the second worst memory for names on earth. I am a moderately good speller, but my grammar is pretty screwed. My favorite band is Relient K. I played piano for eight years and hated it. I love reading, my favorite book genre is fantasy with science fiction in a close second. I like movies but lately have an incredibly tough time getting through a whole one. I am a fan of Joss Whedon (a tv director and writer). I was in Air Cadets for five years. I can juggle, sing, and dance (not all at the same time). I have way too many t-shirts, most of which have funny phrases on them. I can't cook for the life of me. I dislike driving but love riding my bike. I pick my music based on each individual song as opposed to genre or artist. I love cats. I enjoy listening and usually prefer it over talking. I took karate for five years and am a blue belt. I love collecting useless bits of paper that have interesting things on them. I don't like sweaters cuz they make me sweat (duh). I wrote two monologues. I am mostly an introvert, but I'm not too shy anymore. My mom and dad are still married. I have a younger brother and sister. I have a PS3. My two buying weaknesses are video games and candy. I have broken my front tooth and my leg. I have an actual hand puppet. I like both the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I have my own blog. I believe there is such a thing as truth. One of my oldest friends is Patrick. I have no pets. My computer sucks. I should be memorizing lines right now. I am terrible at sketching and painting. And for the last one, my eyes are hazel and green and a combination of the two, but usually just hazel.

That's all I got for now. I hope you enjoyed it and tune in next time to see what else I can pull from my mind to entertain you.

A Poem, A Palindrome (not really)

People who practice have perfect pitch Paul!

The art of being happy

There really is an art to it isn't there. It just naturally flows with some people, and for some people it seems like it takes an arm and a leg for just a smile. I think I'm almost starting to move towards that second one. Not completely by any stretch of the imagination but I find more and more that I struggle to remain positive, much less happy. It sort of struck me as I was walking home from a games night thing. It was kinda fun and I had enjoyed it and it was great to actually be around people, but I still felt lonely. I have such a hard time finding that connection, that real, firm connection that is the bond for a really good friendship. So as I was walking I was thinking about how I couldn't shake this loneliness even when I was around people so I couldn't really be all that happy, and then I started thinking about what really makes me happy. It only took a second for me to figure out that I am the most happy when I can make someone I am really close to laugh. I think that's one of the reasons I love Carsyn and Lizzy so much, just because even though we're close I still have a really easy time making them laugh. I don't know why, but a lot of the people that I get closer to I also find it harder and harder to make them laugh. Hmm... I think that's something that I'm going to have to mull over a bit more before I make anything from it. Anyways, those are just some cursory thoughts that I had. Possibly more later and, knowing me, possibly not. Good night!

this is a song

Well yesterday I told myself that I would for sure write a song, but I didn't so I am going to at least start one before it gets too late into today! All right, here we go.

Welcome to the real world.

A little darker than it seemed.

With thoughts and chances everywhere.

Almost like the times I've dreamed,

maybe today will be a brand new day,

all the time spread out before us,

just don't look back, never look back to see

the pain and times we've fallen down,

keep your eyes ahead and you will find

There's more to life than pain and sorrow,

there's time to laugh and maybe tomorrow

will bring a brand new chance to make

a brand new day make no mistake,

It'll be the beginning of something new.

Not bad for seven minutes!

A little thing called love

Well, to start I'd like to apologize to myself for not sticking to my commitment of at least one post a month. I will still try to stick to that though, so don't you be going anywhere!

It all started when I decided to read David's blog. It'd been a really long time since I'd checked on his blog (or mine) so I went to pay a visit. (why is it called "paying" a visit?) The first post I read was about inspiration. I love how he said that anything can inspire you. You can have your favorites, but everything has the potential to be an inspiration to someone. His first example was the wind, which I find ironic because I hate the wind. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with irony but whatever. It just makes me cold and want to go inside or just behind a bush or something. Whatever. The next thing was airports. I think that is probably one of the coolest things ever! I mean, who would think to go to something that is a breeding ground for stress and aggravation and be inspired. It really made me want to go sit in an airport for a while. People are so facinating. Every single one totally different from the other, but everyone have so much in common. Everyone has their stresses and joys and ways of dealing with both, everyone has the triggers but all are different. Different colors, different shapes, different smiles, different. Now that I think on it, I don't know how well I would fare in an airport. I guess I could suppress my caring and just watch. It's interesting, whenever I start to really look at someone, to really listen, I can't help but, I don't really know the word, ache? yearn? feel? I want so desperately for everything to be okay. It's so disappointing that I can't ever do that. I think that's why David troubles me so much. I couldn't figure him out. Still can't. I have to know what's going on and do everything I can to fix it. So I tried. But both him and I were too scared. I know how scared I was. All this acting thing was beating my defences and I didn't know if I could handle someone as much as him. By much I mean confusing, agrivating, uplifting, inspiring, irritating, and scared. How could I deal with that? I couldn't deal with that in myself and frankly, it hasn't gotten much better. But I've learned something, it's somthing that he mentioned in the next post that I read, it was connection. I wrote a monologue trying to figure out why I do what I do, and a big part of what I do is connect. And that is the reason for it. I think of connection as the joining of two souls in simple understanding. Of being able to look at them and say "I get that, I understand, you're not alone". I've found a little bit over the last year, actually for a long time but I've just figured out what it was, that it is that understanding, that camraderie, that can keep me going.

I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but don't worry, I'll be back. Megan, for such a long time I've wanted to ask "why are you so afraid to trust people?". It actually hurts. I know what it's like to not trust anyone, to not let anyone in, and you know what? It's not worth it. I have the same problem. I've picked the wrong people to really trust and I've gotten burned for it. So much that I never want to open up to anyone ever again. But what is the purpose of anything if it isn't shared? What is the point of the life that is lived alone? There is no point in it. I know there are good people who are worthy of trust. I've seen them. I know that there is a God who is trustworthy, and maybe that's where you have the advantage over me. I hope you have that. I know how awesome it is to have that friend. I just lost him and I don't know how to get him back. Don't try to keep yourself from all harm because there is nothing as destructive as nothing. There is no safety away from connection. There is no purpose only from yourself. It is the little connections that I've made on the way that keep me going. I get so scared when you decide to just stay by yourself when everyone else goes out. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to happen a lot. I know I do the same thing sometimes. I try and get away from the hurt of people around. It's the fear that hurts. But how much better it is when I do go out, and every so often make a connection. I don't want you to starve for a real, true connection.

So, David, that is my answer to what I think connection is. It may be wrong, but it makes sense to me. But anyways, the second post that I read was a story. It was a story that I found interesting because I imediately thought, "oh! He finally posted a story! And it's not about him so it must be one of his stories." I know that he has become quite the avid writer, and I really wanted to get a feel for his style. I couldn't connect with the story too well at first, but gradually it changed into a story that I could really truly understand. I could understand the conflict if not the situation, but then this character went to college. Made a connection, made a friend, and then lost her. I love how he worded her, "with Shannon everything was in the right context to be a good thing." I could feel just from that short piece what she was to him. I lost that girl too. The person that, no matter what was happening, it was good. I might have sucked, it might have been painful, but it was good. It was that connection that I'd been looking for my whole life, and then it was gone within a week. Almost without getting to say goodbye. Life is brutal sometimes. And then his roommate. The guy's roommate kinda sounds like a basket case to me! But I guess they were good together. I don't know how much good actually came out of it, but it's an experience not to ever be forgotten. I hope on both sides. I remember being roommates with David. It was all of those things I mentioned earlier, but one thing I didn't mention. I miss him. As much as I want to forget him sometimes, and as jealous as I get when all the girls get on thier weepy "oh I miss David so much" parties, I miss him so much too. I'm not totally sure why. No, I know why. It's because he is a part of me. Together we mourned, created, and tried to make the other one break. It's because of the connection every time we hugged or snuggled or smiled. It was the unspoken and deeply buried sameness we had. That understanding. I want to see just how far he's gone from that point, how much he's learned, and I want to show him what I am now, who I am. I miss him, because in him was that part of me that I didn't want to see, but was forced to look at every day. I know I grew from that, and I guess I can only hope he did too. But back to the story, he then has a life changing encounter. One of those that only happens a few times. One of the times when someone asks you "how are you doing" and you answer. I can't imagine how freeing that is. I hope I'll find out someday. And then the story ends on a bit of a cliff hanger as the character heads of into "some Arabian country". I really hope that David'll continue this story. I think it's definitely one worth telling. It makes me kind of laugh, the character keeps on going back to a pessimistic view, even after some really cool things happen. Sure they ended, but the story isn't done yet. I hope that he can learn to treasure the beautiful things he comes across. I hope I can do that too. Thanks Dave. Love you.

Son of the Drunken Prophet

Hear ye hear ye all ye gathered here today, or should I say tonight? Or even this morning! Ahem, listen to the words I have here for ye to hear and with your ever sharpening minds to understand. For you see, all the wallibuts are getting smarter and beginning to leave their dens. It is only time until they are upon the nations of this great land. Only the one who holds the long john sliver shall ammend for the great injustices in the land of Cahoots. And Farfardee. But as everyone knows, they are just a little bit totally off their rocker. And as they rock in their glorified rockers they shall dream dreams of grand bands and loud larynxes. And it shall come to pass that only those dastardly larynxes will be left to pick up the dust in the craters left of this great city that shall stand for a thousand years. Or so they say. They will see. Everyone shall see, for as I have said it will will it come to pass. And only your dogs and cats will mourn you. And possibly your Aunts. We will have to see on that one. And the last dog that ends his time of grief shall rise up and create a new nation founded liberty and dedicated to the proposition that everyone in their right mind would listen to a dog. As it has been, so it shall be. So says the Son of the Drunken Prophet.

Today's the day

Greetings to all you people out there. I have just (actually a few hours ago) had a very eye opening talk with Juliann. Frankly, I don't really remember all the questions that I wasn't able to answer then, and I'm not really sure if I should add them. But there are a few things I would like to highlight. Firstly, I suck at recognizing care. When people ask if I'm eating well, or tell me to wear a coat, apparently they're telling me they care. Good to know. I find it very odd that I never really thought of that. It seems kind of obvious... Secondly, everything doesn't have to have a reason. It's ok to just cry for no reason other than I need to. It's also fine to get angry at God (I already knew that, but just to reestablish), he's big, he can handle it. I am allowed to just be pissed off. Thirdly, it isn't selfish to think of yourself. (Don't laugh, this is big for me) I can think of myself and not only is it ok, it's good. You have to think of yourself sometimes. Four, I can't help anyone if I haven't figured it out for myself first. In other words, I need to get some help. That really scares me. I always thought that I have to do it myself. That I have to keep it all together on my own. And caring about other people (and I do), I usually use as an excuse just to avoid living with me. Fifth, I'm so scared of God that I keep him at bay by blaming him. Cool huh? I'm angry with God because I don't believe that he cares about me. I blame him for loosing Shannon. That's the big one. Shannon was finally someone who I could relate to and be in a good relationship with and then she had to leave. I was happy. That's what I feel I lost and I can't let go of that. And God seems to be the only one I can blame for that. So that's what I do. Frig, a lot of the time I just do the right thing because I think I should, not because I want to or because it's a part of me. A lot of the time I just want to be good enough. I really don't know if I hate myself. I want to say I do, because it would just be easier, but I don't know. It's easier not to care about myself if I hate myself, but what if I really did care? Then I'd have to do something about it. (in case you're wondering, I translate caring into doing for the most part) I don't want to.
And I hate crying because it messes with the vocal cords so it's impossible to have a good conversation while crying. Yes that really does aggravate me.
Maybe life isn't so bad... Maybe.

The 2nd year Cabaret

So for my cabaret piece I've decided that I want to write a monologue about the purpose of acting and art. I decided this not just because it's a very interesting thing we've all been learning about but mostly because I want my family to understand what it is I'm doing at this school and why I think it isn't just a waste of time and effort. I don't really think that they think that, but sometimes I wonder, and I think it'll be a good way for me to remember as well, since I have so much trouble with that. So here's some ideas and sort of a rough draft thing:

My name is Ryan and I am an actor and an artist. You know, artist are really misunderstood nowadays. I'd like to remedy that, so just follow along with me and my musings. First, what is an artist? Anyone who expresses themselves in a creative way. Which is what art is. The uniqueness of every one of us expressed through our God given creativity. I think that everyone is an artist, just that not all of us are practicing artists. Now I don't mean that all of us are painters or musicians, but every one of us is creative. We all have to potential to make or do something that is totally unique. So what's so great about that? Why should we care about art? Because in art there is truth. Oh sure, great what does that mean? Well, truth is what holds our world together, it is the way that the universe really is. The truth is that, no matter what you do, gravity will pull you down, the truth is that murder is wrong, the truth is that sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, I'm tired, lonely, and afraid. If I express that in my art maybe you can identify with it, learn something from it, connect with it.
That's something that I think we are missing a lot in the world. We have forgotten how to connect with each other. I think that's the reason so many people are so lonely. Which brings me to the actor. An actor's job is to connect. There's more to it, but that's the core of what an actor does. The connection with the other actors and with you the audience is what makes theatre powerful and is what entices you to come back for more. Another thing we do is find truth, or "live truthfully in a given imaginary circumstance"to quote Meisner. Some of you might be thinking "oh, ok that makes sense" but most likely you're thinking "ehhh?". Let me explain. The situations we are put in aren't real. The house isn't really on fire, the kids didn't really run away from home, I'm not really the king of England. But If that were the case what would happen? That's the living truthfully part. If your brother just got shot in front of you, what would happen? That's what we do. A real reaction to something that may not be real. So really we're in the business of truth as well. We look for the truth in the stories we tell. Why? Because stories are how we learn. Pretty much everything you know is learned from other people's stories and your stories. When an actor gets out there to tell a story, they want you to learn from it, to connect with it, and to ignite something. We want to change you. We want to inspire you, ignite a passion in you, teach you something about yourself or someone else. We want you to walk away changed. And the only thing that can do that is truth. Sometimes it's ugly, sometimes it's the very last thing we want to hear, but in a world that is starving for truth, we need it. Why should we deny ourselves that?
And now as a special treat, I have created a movement peace for you. In it is a little bit of myself, a little bit of my story. What I hope is that you can get something from it. Maybe you won't. Maybe it just doesn't work for you, but maybe it will inspire you, ignite something in you. Do something with that. Figure out why. Find the truth.

Well, just so I actually write something for Jan here's a thought flow

All righty, this is going to be interesting. Typing is so much faster, I'm thinking and I can erase sweet! da da da da not dad it's da. I can't remember what this song is something about memories that's it, I guess this is harder, if just because I don't know. Can't think... Just that... hard to not read it because of spelling and erasing and junk. I guess that's another reason for writing instead of typing I really hated doing that, oh aaron, I don't know. That really sucks, and I don't really know how much is true. But I'm a bad judge. I suck at this. I keep not saying what I'm thinking. But it's faster!!! JOYYY!!! Peace patience and so on. I don't really care right now. so annoying. but acting is next and i can't do it and arrrrgggghh! lame. I just wish I would just care about something so I could do it and it'd be good and Id care and crap.. CRAP! Frig, I don't want to do this anymeor. I goe milk, so that's good. tasty. cereal. wooooooooooo annoying song. I'm trying to be nice. Oh Juli, you're not nice. I like it but I don't know, you scare me and make me mad and it's just annoying sometimes. I'm scared in acting rehersal and all that. This is still too slow. I need ablagjs. Yup/ shaker. this is the relax music I miss it. David. I stil don't know. I
'm just jealous. and he's gay. That's hard. I don't know what to do. It's just i can't do it. it's tooo hard to figure it out and I don't want to i don't know go there. or something. I just want to hit something. I never let out my anger. I don't know if I got better, Juli and aaron said I never do but I dtill don't know if I do. It's past midnight. crap! so unmotivated. God. It's just so frustrating that I can't do it. I can't get it right. and it doesn't even matter. For me. I want it 's so hard t oo care I just don't someone needs to smack me. I don't want to do this life. It's not worth it. not suicide. that's a coward.howard. Like in acting improv. it's good. I kinda like it but I don't know. It's just annoying and Peter. I don't think this is getting anywhere. I guess I do need a guiding hand. At least I haven't looked much but I didn't figure anything out. but I never do it's all just lame and I don't get it and I always ssay that because that's what I always feel and i hate spelling and I think too fast for this. I think I thought slower when I was writing because I wasn't moving as fast. that's it done. crap

Love of the inner nature

Why, greetings my dear friends! It has been such a long time since I've written on this stupid thing, but at least I've still managed to keep it to at least one a month. Anywho, last night was our first rehearsal for Funeral Parlor so it was just Juliann and I. It was a very good rehearsal and we got a lot accomplished, one thing of which was an understanding of why the man in the casket (Philip) was special to each of us. (And let me just add that Juli is an amazing actor, every time she impresses me! It ridiculous!) So what we did was we lay down and closed our eyes and imagined the answers to a bunch of questions that our director asked us. After that we discussed it a little Juli said something that really stuck with me. She said "I took a bunch of things that I love in myself and put them into him". Now I know that I always over think things but that made me pause and now I'm going to attempt to figure this out. It made me consider that I wouldn't ever think to do something like that. When wondering why I started to wonder what the things are that I love about myself. So I'm going to start a little list to see what I can come up with.
Well, it seems that I haven't been able to think of anything since last month because that's when I started writing this. I guess I don't like me much. But I did think of one thing! I enjoy my sense of humor. It's kind of annoying because not very many people understand it but I find a lot of things to be humorous so I always have some opportunity to laugh.
I like my incredible stubbornness. It very rarely actually shows because I hardly ever comit to something fully but once I get something stuck in my head absolutely nothing will stop me. I do have a strong will I just don't use it much. Maybe I should use it more often...