Well, to start I'd like to apologize to myself for not sticking to my commitment of at least one post a month. I will still try to stick to that though, so don't you be going anywhere!
It all started when I decided to read David's blog. It'd been a really long time since I'd checked on his blog (or mine) so I went to pay a visit. (why is it called "paying" a visit?) The first post I read was about inspiration. I love how he said that anything can inspire you. You can have your favorites, but everything has the potential to be an inspiration to someone. His first example was the wind, which I find ironic because I hate the wind. I guess that doesn't really have anything to do with irony but whatever. It just makes me cold and want to go inside or just behind a bush or something. Whatever. The next thing was airports. I think that is probably one of the coolest things ever! I mean, who would think to go to something that is a breeding ground for stress and aggravation and be inspired. It really made me want to go sit in an airport for a while. People are so facinating. Every single one totally different from the other, but everyone have so much in common. Everyone has their stresses and joys and ways of dealing with both, everyone has the triggers but all are different. Different colors, different shapes, different smiles, different. Now that I think on it, I don't know how well I would fare in an airport. I guess I could suppress my caring and just watch. It's interesting, whenever I start to really look at someone, to really listen, I can't help but, I don't really know the word, ache? yearn? feel? I want so desperately for everything to be okay. It's so disappointing that I can't ever do that. I think that's why David troubles me so much. I couldn't figure him out. Still can't. I have to know what's going on and do everything I can to fix it. So I tried. But both him and I were too scared. I know how scared I was. All this acting thing was beating my defences and I didn't know if I could handle someone as much as him. By much I mean confusing, agrivating, uplifting, inspiring, irritating, and scared. How could I deal with that? I couldn't deal with that in myself and frankly, it hasn't gotten much better. But I've learned something, it's somthing that he mentioned in the next post that I read, it was connection. I wrote a monologue trying to figure out why I do what I do, and a big part of what I do is connect. And that is the reason for it. I think of connection as the joining of two souls in simple understanding. Of being able to look at them and say "I get that, I understand, you're not alone". I've found a little bit over the last year, actually for a long time but I've just figured out what it was, that it is that understanding, that camraderie, that can keep me going.
I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but don't worry, I'll be back. Megan, for such a long time I've wanted to ask "why are you so afraid to trust people?". It actually hurts. I know what it's like to not trust anyone, to not let anyone in, and you know what? It's not worth it. I have the same problem. I've picked the wrong people to really trust and I've gotten burned for it. So much that I never want to open up to anyone ever again. But what is the purpose of anything if it isn't shared? What is the point of the life that is lived alone? There is no point in it. I know there are good people who are worthy of trust. I've seen them. I know that there is a God who is trustworthy, and maybe that's where you have the advantage over me. I hope you have that. I know how awesome it is to have that friend. I just lost him and I don't know how to get him back. Don't try to keep yourself from all harm because there is nothing as destructive as nothing. There is no safety away from connection. There is no purpose only from yourself. It is the little connections that I've made on the way that keep me going. I get so scared when you decide to just stay by yourself when everyone else goes out. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to happen a lot. I know I do the same thing sometimes. I try and get away from the hurt of people around. It's the fear that hurts. But how much better it is when I do go out, and every so often make a connection. I don't want you to starve for a real, true connection.
So, David, that is my answer to what I think connection is. It may be wrong, but it makes sense to me. But anyways, the second post that I read was a story. It was a story that I found interesting because I imediately thought, "oh! He finally posted a story! And it's not about him so it must be one of his stories." I know that he has become quite the avid writer, and I really wanted to get a feel for his style. I couldn't connect with the story too well at first, but gradually it changed into a story that I could really truly understand. I could understand the conflict if not the situation, but then this character went to college. Made a connection, made a friend, and then lost her. I love how he worded her, "with Shannon everything was in the right context to be a good thing." I could feel just from that short piece what she was to him. I lost that girl too. The person that, no matter what was happening, it was good. I might have sucked, it might have been painful, but it was good. It was that connection that I'd been looking for my whole life, and then it was gone within a week. Almost without getting to say goodbye. Life is brutal sometimes. And then his roommate. The guy's roommate kinda sounds like a basket case to me! But I guess they were good together. I don't know how much good actually came out of it, but it's an experience not to ever be forgotten. I hope on both sides. I remember being roommates with David. It was all of those things I mentioned earlier, but one thing I didn't mention. I miss him. As much as I want to forget him sometimes, and as jealous as I get when all the girls get on thier weepy "oh I miss David so much" parties, I miss him so much too. I'm not totally sure why. No, I know why. It's because he is a part of me. Together we mourned, created, and tried to make the other one break. It's because of the connection every time we hugged or snuggled or smiled. It was the unspoken and deeply buried sameness we had. That understanding. I want to see just how far he's gone from that point, how much he's learned, and I want to show him what I am now, who I am. I miss him, because in him was that part of me that I didn't want to see, but was forced to look at every day. I know I grew from that, and I guess I can only hope he did too. But back to the story, he then has a life changing encounter. One of those that only happens a few times. One of the times when someone asks you "how are you doing" and you answer. I can't imagine how freeing that is. I hope I'll find out someday. And then the story ends on a bit of a cliff hanger as the character heads of into "some Arabian country". I really hope that David'll continue this story. I think it's definitely one worth telling. It makes me kind of laugh, the character keeps on going back to a pessimistic view, even after some really cool things happen. Sure they ended, but the story isn't done yet. I hope that he can learn to treasure the beautiful things he comes across. I hope I can do that too. Thanks Dave. Love you.
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