Greetings to all you people out there. I have just (actually a few hours ago) had a very eye opening talk with Juliann. Frankly, I don't really remember all the questions that I wasn't able to answer then, and I'm not really sure if I should add them. But there are a few things I would like to highlight. Firstly, I suck at recognizing care. When people ask if I'm eating well, or tell me to wear a coat, apparently they're telling me they care. Good to know. I find it very odd that I never really thought of that. It seems kind of obvious... Secondly, everything doesn't have to have a reason. It's ok to just cry for no reason other than I need to. It's also fine to get angry at God (I already knew that, but just to reestablish), he's big, he can handle it. I am allowed to just be pissed off. Thirdly, it isn't selfish to think of yourself. (Don't laugh, this is big for me) I can think of myself and not only is it ok, it's good. You have to think of yourself sometimes. Four, I can't help anyone if I haven't figured it out for myself first. In other words, I need to get some help. That really scares me. I always thought that I have to do it myself. That I have to keep it all together on my own. And caring about other people (and I do), I usually use as an excuse just to avoid living with me. Fifth, I'm so scared of God that I keep him at bay by blaming him. Cool huh? I'm angry with God because I don't believe that he cares about me. I blame him for loosing Shannon. That's the big one. Shannon was finally someone who I could relate to and be in a good relationship with and then she had to leave. I was happy. That's what I feel I lost and I can't let go of that. And God seems to be the only one I can blame for that. So that's what I do. Frig, a lot of the time I just do the right thing because I think I should, not because I want to or because it's a part of me. A lot of the time I just want to be good enough. I really don't know if I hate myself. I want to say I do, because it would just be easier, but I don't know. It's easier not to care about myself if I hate myself, but what if I really did care? Then I'd have to do something about it. (in case you're wondering, I translate caring into doing for the most part) I don't want to.
And I hate crying because it messes with the vocal cords so it's impossible to have a good conversation while crying. Yes that really does aggravate me.
Maybe life isn't so bad... Maybe.
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