CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!! You know what's frustrating? Not knowing. What's that mean? Say someone says "oh, there's no meaning to life, it's all just pointless and everything we do has no significance", what do you say to that? It's not like you can just prove God. I mean, it's really obvious, but there is no absolutely direct proof. And if people don't want to see it, then they won't. They'll invent any possible way to avoid the truth.
Sometimes I wonder if I do that. If I'm stubborn and refuse to really look at things. I know that I try my best to be objective, but I don't know if I really do it. I mean, I have the "christian lens" so I see things as a Christian no matter what, but is that the only way I see things? Is that just the default position and I don't really have a reason for seeing things like that? I'm not sure all the time. But it's still annoying!

The ins and outs of Ryan love

Well, hanging out with the girls was fun but at the same time it really sucked. Actually, it usually does. You see, our girls are very touchy feely, cuddly sort of thing. But not with Aaron and I. I think Aaron is fine with that, but it really sucks for me. You see, the only love language I have is touch. Basically what that means is that you could buy me the most expensive present, encourage me all the time, and spend the whole day with me, but I wouldn't feel loved. I only feel loved if you give me a hug or a massage, or cuddle with me. And that really sucks! Nowadays it's pretty much taboo to touch unless you're going out with the person. But basically that leaves me just hating life. That's why I usually hate hanging out with the girls. I don't really know why they wouldn't touch me much. I know I stink a lot, but there isn't really anything I can do to change that, maybe I just don't seem to be giving an invitation. It's kind of odd, because apparently it frustrates some of them that I never touch them in acting. I don't really know why. I guess I just think that touching me must be some kind of disgusting ordeal so I try not to force myself on them. Or something like that. I don't know. It just sucks.

Affirmations

Well, today was interesting... Especially spiritual formation. We were going to talk about judging others and look at the different scriptures on it, but we never actually got to that. It actually ended up being an amazing time where everyone was able to just put everything on the table, and man there was a lot! A lot more than I knew about anyways. But that's not really surprising. So as per usual I just sort of stayed in the background and listened, very interesting and all that (yes I am a heartless jerk hee hee), apparently Lizzy is really tough on me... Didn't ever get that vibe... However I did discover a few things about myself, I still put my value in how dad sees me. Or at least how I think he sees me. And interestingly I found that I really don't know if I truly care about myself. Like, I don't want to get hurt, but I don't really completely care if I'm happy or sick or whatever, I mean, I like being happy, but I don't care if I am. If that makes any sense. And I love Lizzy. A lot. So we all figured out a lot of crap and had some hard cries and then is what I really think we all needed so much, we went around and told every single person one thing that we absolutely love about them. You know, I thought that I was pretty far detached from everyone, but everything that everyone said to me and what I said for people, it was all so meaningful. I think that we really truly love each other. All of us, and really that makes it all ok for me. I mean, that's what I always wanted. I'm going to list these as much as I can remember, although I'm totally going to mess them up. But Ryan, when you're having a crappy day and you need to remember why it is that you even bother going on, when you can't see the good inside you, when you feel worthless, look at what these people, this family has to say about you. And if any of you happen to ever look at this I want you to know that I really love these things about you. It's not just a "Oh, I have to think of something", I really mean it. Here we go.
Julie, I love your incredible passion for everything you do. How no matter what you're doing, your whole heart is in it. Whether it be acting, talking, or trying to fix things by calling us all out on what we needed to deal with, you put all of your heart in it. And by your heart I mean all of your caring, vulnerability, and strength. I know you're strong, and I know that I didn't say that, being as someone else did, but don't ever forget how powerful you are. You can do anything because you Want it. You have all the strength and passion you need. You can do it. I know you care. Your have incredible courage. I can't even understand how brave you are. I know you just think it's natural and how you were raised, but you have the gift of courage. It's so beyond what I've ever seen in people. And to add, from what I've just found out from you today feb 24, your honesty is amazing, and your understanding and insight is pretty awesome too. I really appreciate how you are willing to say "I'm just going to be honest" and then do just that. That takes courage. And you asked me every question that I needed to think of, and my favorite part, you know what your limit is, you know what you can handle and what you are willing to put up with. Thanks for not putting up with my crap. Although, just so you know, I'm still going to ask you how you're doing. I may not be in a position to do anything, but I still want to know.
Ashley, I love your stories. At first I thought it was kind of annoying how much you talked, but now that I'm listening more, I love it. I have the tendency to say I understand if I only half do, but with you, your stories make it so easy to see exactly what it is you're saying. And it's always good. You have some great things to say, don't stop that. Keep telling your stories!
Lizzy, I love how much of an effort you are putting into the relationships here. I don't know if you know how much it drove me crazy last year when you refused, to my face, to allow yourself to connect with us. I am so glad you changed your mind on that. And I love hanging out with you. You remind me of all the things I miss of home. The fun that we have and the work that we do. And I do miss the few conversations that we had last year, but I think that we'll have some even better ones this year. Sorry for dropping the ball on our agreement, I'll try to get back on that.
Ryan, Brad loves your honesty and willingness to be human, with all the failings that come with that. Juli is scared of you (wait, what?? I mean, you're the superwoman, why would you be scared of me?) because you're just like her dad, but you chose the path to keep going. She is so proud of you for still fighting. For still going on. For the strength that you have to go on. Ashley loves that you are still trying to connect with people even if you don't realize it (I mean, "hey, you going to co-op? I'll walk you there". Duh) and that you are an overcomer. That no matter what, you will somehow plow through and keep going, no matter what. Nothing can stop you.
Lizzy loves that even if you're having a crappy day you'll still ask how she's doing and really mean it.
Megan loves that you refuse to give up. How you will keep going when she would have given up long ago.
Sharon loves
Aaron loves that it doesn't matter about whatever crap you're going through, you still care enough to truly ask how he's doing.
ASK LIZZY AND SHARON PLEASE!!! DON'T JUST LEAVE IT!
Megan, last year you scared me. I always thought you were going to stab me in the neck or something. (and apparently I had good reason to think that), but this year I love how much more open you are. If you smile at me or say anything to me it really brightens up my day. I know that sounds kinda odd, but that's me. I also love how you refuse to do anything halfway. If you're tired, you could drop off to sleep right there, if you're frusterated, the whole world better look out, and if you love Lizzy, she's darn well going to know about it! It's such a joy to watch you. You inspire me to do things all in too. Don't ever lose that.
Sharon, I love your passion for God. When you were talking about that book that I forget the name of again at the beginning of the year, I got so excited! And talking about dancing in the rain with God and seeing God in the homeless that we pass on the streets. I really look up to you for that. That's something that I want. I haven't seen that side of you in a while, make sure you don't lose it. It's too good for that!
Aaron, I love how deep you are and how much you challenge me. I loved our few talks from last year. I really really miss them and I'm going to try to have more with you. And I love it how you are strong in what you believe and you don't mind challenging what other people believe so that they will figure it out. I really loved it when you asked me if it bugged me when you swore, but you didn't just leave it at that, you challenged me to look at what I'm doing. I love how you will do or say whatever it takes to get the other person to where they need to be. Even if they hate you for it. That is so courageous. Don't lose that. I love you man.

Why do men fight? What do they fight for? Is it for the families and countries that they love? Do they even know what it means to love? Is it just to run away from the pain of all the failings that we cannot face? Is it a desperate cry to God to come and take away all that is in us and to leave us bare of all the turmoil of the world? Or is it truly for freedom that we fight? Is it truly for honor and love and justice? Is man really even able to tell? But what is a war? Is it the flailing of a country fighting to survive or simply greed for what we don't have and others do? Is there anything that is big enough to quench that thirst? Anything that tries to fill that vast void is simply swallowed and the search continues for the next big thing. So are we really looking for that thing that is big enough? That thing that can fill us? Is that why we fight? For truth, justice, greed, power, and the almighty stuff. It's kinda funny then that the very thing that we fight and die for is the thing that is so obvious if we simply stop and look. Look at the mountains, the colors in the sky, the tiny things that grow in the dirt, the humans themselves, as fallible as they are. It all screams the scream of a creator. I choose to call him God. I think that this crazy creator guy might be able to fill that void. I know that He can in me, because I felt it before. I let Him slip away because I was afraid that He would fill the void so much that He might just fill me until there was nothing left of me. That He might fail just like everything else I know. That He might crush me. Or even see my own failings. And so that is why I fought, and why I still fight. I fight to hide. To stay hidden from God, from people, from anyone that could notice I'm not perfect. Not even good. So it really is a fight for something bigger, but just not quite so observant. Unfortunately I know there isn't anything. So why do I still fight? Is it hope? Is that just a blatant disrespect for the word? Why can't I accept my crap? That I suck. That I can't do it. Not even a little? Is it really my dad? Is it really you? Have I always seen you as infallible to the point that I must be in order to even be worth being called your son? Or am I just trying to place the blame on shoulders that are seperate from mine? Am I really that selfish? The short answer is yes, but is that it? There's so much that I used to have. That I used to love about myself. Now I don't even care. I know I can't be good, so why do I even try? Why do I even fight? What's the point really? I know I was never good enough for my dad, so why should I be good enough for God? Why would you do something so idiotic as to accept me? The real me. Not the fake me fighting to be what I used to be, but the piece of crap me right now. You shouldn't have done that. I don't know if I believe in love big enough for that. I don't. Oh...

Spiritual Journey

Ladies and gentlemen, I've decided that I will be putting my spiritual journey onto this great big web. I figure it's probably pretty safe considering no one actually reads these, so here I go! Actually, I'm going to save it for another night. I'm tired.

I think I may have something here...

I think I just figured out why I don't ever get close to anyone! It was during acting class, and Cindy asked Aaron if he had trouble opening up to people. I immediately was all ears cuz that totally applies to me. Aaron said he didn't have that and Cindy said that it seemed there was something holding him back. And then I figured it out. I believe that people are evil. Now maybe you're thinking "well obviously, it says that in the Bible" but I don't know if people really believe that. The way I view it is that everyone will attack eventually. Everyone will try to hurt. So the obvious thing for me to do is to stay away from that. Well, I'll have to get into that later, I gotta do some acting homework. Hmm... How to connect and still be safe... Not possible.

The trouble with people...

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't like life right now. I'm not really sure of anything right now, so allow me to do some figuring out. As you probably know, I've been having a really tough time with my faith and just figuring out what the whole point is. Well, last night Jon called me up and wanted to hang out. I thought that was a great idea, so I said yes. Jon and I have been friends for a long time, and one of the things that I've held dearest (if that doesn't sound too cheesy) is that both he and I were Christian. It was great to have him to kind of back me up, well, only sometimes, but it was just good to know that I had someone else that was the same as me. Not so any more. (bet you didn't see that one coming) I would have been kinda ok with that if he had some good reason, but he didn't really. It was just the usual "if God is good, why does He let all this bad stuff happen?". That is a good question, but I think the answer is this, God gave us two gifts, the gift of life, and the gift of free will. That means that He promises that we can choose for ourselves anything that we want. We can have absolutely anything we want because of this free will, either the pleasures of the world, or a relationship with God. But there comes the price. If we are to have true free will, God can't interfere. We have to live with the consequences of what we do. It must break God's heart to see what we choose for ourselves, and for others. But He can't interfere, otherwise He would take away one of, if not the most precious gifts He gave to us. I don't know why that doesn't make sense. But anyways, then he was telling me about how he can't believe some of the stuff in the Bible. Like the flood or the burning bush. He said the flood is impossible because matter can't be created or destroyed, so where did all the water go? I thought that was kind of a lame excuse, but whatever. I mean, why doesn't he just say that creation is impossible? I think that would be a lot easier! And then, he's talking about a God who made a virgin pregnant. He doesn't play by the rules. But then, I've also seen Him do stuff by stretching the rules as well. Maybe the world was a lot flatter back then, and it was the flood that started to create the amazing mountains and valleys. Maybe it was the flood that cracked apart Pangea and that created huge valleys in the earth's crust and maybe that's where the water went. Or maybe God just said, "Go water go" and poof! Gone water. Why do we try to limit things we can't understand? Jon's explanation of the burning bush really made me wonder though. It seemed more like he was trying to convince himself it was impossible, which it is, but that's never stopped God before. It was interesting because he started by explaining that it is impossible for a bush to spontaneously combust in a cave (I don't remember there being a cave, but I'd have to recheck that). That's all fine and dandy, and for his point that was all he needed. But then he went on to explain away how all the talking with God and stuff could just have been a hallucination from inhaling too much smoke. Which, I think, is also just fine and dandy. But then why did he need to go one step farther once he had already shown the impossible?

no good or evil, just grey
said that he beat the "can't see wind" arguement but then he says he can see demons, which is scientifically impossible

Who You Are

So I'm just testing to see if I can actually get songs onto here. If so, this is the song that Luke and I wrote, Who You Are.

Hmm...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, uncles and aunts, grandmas and grandpas, hearts and kidneys, apples and oranges, tuna fish and sandwiches, tomatoes and sauerkraut, peanut butter and jelly, klenex and snot, guitars and drums, lamps and lampshades, windows and blinds, digital and analog, cars and trucks, jeeps and figments of your imaginations, midnights and noons, arrows and circles, insults and apologies, love and hate, war and pestilence, pictures and cameras, televisions and movies, boats and rudders, microphones and amplifiers, numbers and letters, cloaks and capes, socks and shoes, ankles and knees, t-shirts and sweaters, karate and tai quon do, paints and paintbrushes, ducks and geese, toads and frogs, armadillos and antelopes, crocodiles and the one and only dundy, snips and snaps, sugar and spice, sunglasses and eyeglasses, pirates and ninjas, spartans and persians, I would like to thank you all for coming.

Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me,
wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
so the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - That
you might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
but I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare, and cold,
and if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn't understand,
so please protect me, my dear friend,
and thanks for loving me true,
but please let me keep my paint brush with me
until I love me too.

Frick!!!!

I am so mad right now but at the sme time I am not because I am so sad! I just found out that Karli isn't going to be coming back next year. There. There it is. I am down another person that I'm semi close to. Now all I need is for Aaron to not have enough money and Lizzy to not come back and Adam to not get accepted back. Then I'll be done. I guess I am kind of like an only child... Everything really is about me... I miss you Karli. I hope you'll come back and give me your hugs and silly grin! I'll miss the confidence you placed in me, and how much you allowed me to stay with you when you needed it. I'll miss all the frustration and determination you have. I'll always remember learining how to juggle, and standing backstage so you could glace back at me. You've helped me a lot too you know. Don't ever stop believing in yourself. Don't ever think you are worth less than you are just because someone says so. I'll always love you Karli!

The son of the Drunken Prophet

People of the world. Of all the free lands and the far lands and all those other silly lands, I have a message. Not a simple message of tiredness and elasticity, but a message of incredible sovreinty and love. For you see, it was as my father had said of and about the peaches. The peaches shall reign over the earth in a very reignlike manner. They shall squish amongst the plants and the beetles. They shall sing among the harps and liverpools. And they shall enumerate the bamboo of the valleys! And the armadillos shall at last be at peace with the sith lords and the bottle nosed dragon. Thus shall the working man become enslaved once more, but in this very same way, shall free all of the wrongfully emprisoned monkeys. And the monkeys shall rejoice and say unto the scalloped potatoes, "I never did like those fish." And thus, the kingdoms of the earth shall be restored to their former glory as it was fortold by my father who was fortold by his father who was fortold by his father who was fortold by his father who was fortold by his father's cousin Jimmy. So rejoice all you peoples, sing forth with glorious singing and bonking on tomtoms. Let the whole of the universe revle in the splendor of your sound waves. Thus saith the son of the Drunken Prophet.

A few interesting quotes

"If Yugioh cards came to life, you could do anything with your hair!" -Brayden Bauhuis
(talking about grinding at a club) "All I could think of was STDs!" - Karli

"Just remember that Ryan is a tool." - Cindy Vanden Enden

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes being miserable more comfortable!"

Who you are

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a little musical number that my brother and I wrote. (he did most of it) Enjoy!

I fallen down and I'm struggling to get back up
I cry out for help, for someone to fill my cup
I'm tired and I'm thirsty, I'm hungry and alone,
I cry out God please help me find my way home
and I know that You will, You'll give me my fill
and I know that You will, You'll give me my fill
because that's who You are

You help those in need and those who struggle just like me
You answer their prayers to save and to set them free
You break our addictions, right our wrongs,
Lord stand beside us, keep us strong
and I know that You will, You give me my fill
and I know that You will, You give me my fill
because that's who You are

When my strength is not enough You insert yours and lift me up
and when I feel I've had enough You comfort me and fill me with love
when my life is headed straight down,
You say the word and turn it all around
because, because, because, because
because that's who You are

Wow, it's May

Well... It's May now... I don't really have any idea what to write, I just figured that I should probably write on this at least once a month just so I don't totally forget about it. It kinda sucks though, I always have things that I think of putting on here, but I'm always out and about when I think of them and then I'm too lazy when I come back. Well I'm pretty sure that now I've narrowed it down to an audience of one. Me. But it's kinda funny cuz I still don't want to put anything too personal in here. Heck. I've never put anything personal anywhere but in my mind. Much less to another person or where they could get it. That's one thing about me that maybe you didn't know. I don't trust anyone. I don't know why for sure. I keep saying it's cuz I've been backstabbed too many times, but I think I'm just cynical. I mean really I've never been through as much as quite a few people I know. It's not like I've ever been so scarred that I couldn't handle it. Maybe that's it. I just can't handle the thought of not being in control. I can't let myself be weak. I can't let anyone find out how they can get at me. Hmmm... Because I think they will. Heh. They'll either attack me for it, or realize that maybe they can't depend on me. I was talking with Luke yesterday after Amy's party, and we were talking a little bit about how important it is to have someone that you can tell anything to. I've never had that. I almost had that with Jon, and then with Carsyn, and then with Shannon. But then they all had to leave. Maybe I didn't trust fast enough or something. Maybe I'm just a big coward. But I've been betrayed by people that I never dreampt of betraying me before. Kayla, Natalka, David... Sigh... Maybe I'm just screwed. That's probably it. Yay.

Random thoughts on the Bible

I just had an interesting idea about what the Bible is. We were talking a lot about how we view the bible in spiritual formation the last few days. The modern view (modern as in era) is seeing it as a answer book, like a instruction manual or a cook book. We were saying that that kind of is a turnoff nowadays because the postmodern world now is dead set on being independent. So the way that we should be looking at it is as more of a history book. Now when Sharla said that the very thing that I thought was "Yech, now I REALLY don't want to read it." And in my view that totally takes away from the power of the Bible. Having it merely as a history book makes it unimportant. I can get along just fine without having a clue about who the first person was. Plus it really doesn't have all that much bearing on the world today. Sure the past affects the present, but it isn't the present. It doesn't change me. So then I got to thinking, cuz I agree that the view of the Bible as an answer book is also not all that great. A bit too rigid and impersonal. So what I think the Bible is... Ready for it? I think the Bible is like a conversation. It is the word of God right? So doesn't that kind of imply that it is God's words to us? Him talking to us almost? And then look at what a conversation is. It is a means of getting closer to whomever you are talking to. It can be used to instruct, discipline, encourage, or tell a really cool true story! Just a thought.

Twilight

Hmmm... I'm watching Twilight right now. Well kinda watching and kinda not. It's kinda scary how much the main vampire dude Edward! is so like Anakin in episode 2 and 3. He actually sounds exactly the same. So fake. And he doesn't have any emotion except for neutral and angry! Argh! Although I was wrong, he did smile once that I saw. Although it was really put on. The girl isn't as good of an actor as I thought at first. Although I saw one good answer in there. I don't like that they're in the forest when she confrunts him as being a vampire. It's not real at all. She obviously wouldn't just stand there awkwardly. Lame. Well, as for Edward being "the perfect boyfriend" all I've gotten so far is be really creepy and stare all the time. Oh, there. Now I was wrong. That was a real smile. No actually that was a real smile. And it came from all the other people too. Nice. Yep. That is creepy. What is with the huge obsession with vampires lately? Hmm... I really like the guy that looks like he's in pain. Not very convincing, but funny. But then I guess that there's always gotta be some sort of fad otherwise people wouldn't know how to be cool. I wonder how they did that climbing effect. It doesn't really work, but I can't figure out how they did it. Wait, maybe they just had a rope line and pulled them up as he moved his arms and legs. That might be it. I like piano. But that's just me. I'm getting more used to recorded piano so I don't mind it right now. I JUST REMEMBERED I GOT RELIENT K'S NEW ALBUM!!! Well that was exciting! I guess I shouldn't really talk. I SUCK at acting. I really want to hit something right now. Whatever. Yep, I'm only getting creepy. So that's all you need to get a girl eh? I really hate everything right now so I'm going to stop.

Discoveries 4

Ah, another wonderful discovery in acting class. Actually this one doesn't have much to do with my understanding myself, but I guess the last one wasn't either. Moving on. It has finally clicked in me that it's not about repeating. That the exercise really doesn't matter. It's about actually connecting and really DOING whatever it is you came to do. It doesn't really matter how you accomplish it, just so long as you get it and connect. Easier said then done, but at least now I understand what I'm shooting for. Well done Ryan! Finally...

Nervousness

Hoooo man. I am so nervous for acting tomorrow! Juli and I have this great activity thing planned out. She has beaten up Carsyn for some reason (I have no idea what that is), and I've been trying to find her. The exercise is going to be in a furniture store that I chased her into. Our relationship is that I hate her guts (obviously), and she is absolutely scared to death of me. So here's the problem, I have no idea what I would do. I have no idea what I'll do when I get there. Am I there to scare er to death, drag her off somewhere, or to just beat the tar out of her? I'm really leaning towards beating the tar out of her, but of coarse that is not an option. So I'm kinda stuck. Juli was thinking that since this was happening in a furniture store, a public place, I would be more, I dunno, discrete? Hmmm... Now that I think about it, I think I would want to get her out of the public so that no one would stop me. Brrr, that gives me creeps just thinking of what I could actually do. At first I was thinking that I really wouldn't care, but I think I would have enough presense of mind to know that people would try to stop me. But really what's bugging me is that it's something in which I have an amazing chance of failing miserably. I'm still so stuck in that I need to get it right. Need to get rid of that, but it's not happening at the moment. I'll just have to keep telling myself that until it clicks. Good luck guys!

This is the picture for Aaron. He asked me if I had a mental picture of my life so I told him I'd one up him and show him my picture. Here it is. Now the tricky part is understanding it. I might decide to explain it later. But for now I'll just let it be.

Discoveries 3

Welcome once again to the wonderful world of learning how to act. I really learned the importance of doing all the background work. You have to know exactly where you came from, what you're trying to do, and what your relationship is with the other person (and I just learned that what that really means is how you treat them). Another thing is that you shouldn't use just the text to make a prep. Figure out exactly what it is that the situation does to you(or a situation like it cuz a lot of the time you would never be in that situation) and then use a really personal prep to actually make it work. Cindy got me to use the prep that Carsyn had been beaten up and was in the hospital. And that it would keep happening until I could convince Abby(Ashley) to stop. That worked SO well for me. But I'm still frusterated that, even after all of the work that Ashley and I have put into it, we still took up almost all of the class time to basicly start our scene from scratch again. And then my emotions weren't doing what I wanted and I couldn't release anything and I was frusterated and I don't like people at the moment. So there! Ok. I learned lots and that's good. That's what I'm here for so I just need to remember that. Right...

Quotes

Here's another one from Cindy. "Live life like you live in your head."
Meaning that, in acting anyways, we should let ourselves do all the things that we imagine ourselves doing in our heads. We always imagine what would happen if I did this or said that, but we never do it. In acting it's a chance to actually do what it is that goes on in our heads. Pretty cool if you ask me!

Oh glorious night!

That was fun! I am finally happy for the very first time this semester! I've always had something or other bugging me and just keeping me from actually enjoying anything. But tonight Joel, Aaron and I had a really good talk. We talked about everything! We talked about singing, performing, penises, porn, roommates, guys, relationships, Jen, dirtiness, sibling stories, naked stories, school, quitting school, excuses, classmates, gays and lesbians, how guys and girls think, God, and we ended with a discussion on the validity of the Bible. It was amazing! And it was so great getting to know Joel a bit more. We've both been shut up in our rooms a lot, and we never really got to know each other. It really made me happy to get to have an open talk without worrying about what anyone'll think or take offence. It really made me happy and once again reminded me of why I'm here. I'm really glad that I get to have these great guys in my class. Love you guys!

Discoveries 2

So today in acting we had a mini discussion about what our creative energy is and how we use it and get it back. It started off with Cindy giving us a quote to the effect that we use our creativity to glorify God, and that by our art, not just acting, we can let a little bit of God's glory shine into the world. How encouraging is that? What we get to tap into when we get creative is a little bit of our reflection of God. We get to tap into what God gave us at our very core! Art is an expression of the heart, and God said that He would give us the desires of our heart. Hmm... I forget where I was going with that... Maybe it'll come to me later. But anyways, we actors get to have a little bit of something that no one else can really get. We get to connect with God on so many different levels. We get to understand people and how they connect with God and we get to connect as those people! We get to learn about and understand some of the most complex creatures that God created and even get paid for it! It makes me think of phsychology. I always wanted to learn some of that, but now I'm starting to realize that I can understand people better than a phsychologist because I can actually think like the person. Seems like a pretty good insider's view! So we get to connect with God with all the complexities of another person. This really isn't half as exciting as what we actually got to, but my brain is kinda slow at the moment. Oh well! I'm still excited!

Quotes

So I'm going to start to write out some quotes that I hear and think are epic.
"We are the saxophone!" - Cindy Vanden Enden
Meaning that we as actors get to, as we work on our art to become better actors, also become better people. A musician has to carry around his saxophone to get better. We are our instroment!

Karli doesn't hate me!!!

The purpose of acting

Wow. I just got out of a discussion we were having in acting class. It started with watching an Actor's Studio video about Sean Penn. We always have a bit of discussion about what we noticed or heard afterwards, and I was really struck by something he said. He said something to the effect that acting and movies that are entertaining for entertainment's sake are no better than a couple of hookers and an eight ball. I completely agree with him so I said so and thus started a big talk about just what it is that we are suposed to be and do. You see acting isn't just entertaining. It's about getting people to think. It's about sending a message and getting people to feel and see a part of reality that maybe they've never seen before. Cindy said something really cool that I've never thought about much. She said "I could be exactly like her (a character she was playing that was a drug addicted homeless prostitute). The only difference is the situations and choices that we've made." That is so true! The bible says that everyone has fallen short of the glory of God and that everyone is equal because of that. It made me wonder just how different I was from a gay man. I think that being homosexual is a choice, and I may be wrong, but could I really understand who this person is and why he does the things that he does. The church always gets all up in arms about different plays that are really raw, but we forget that these are real people! These are real people that you or I could be! I could be a drunk. I could be a homosexual. I could be a murderer. How often do we just watch the news and see the horrible things that go on, people shot, beheaded, lighting themselves on fire, and just say "oh, that's terrible!" Click. What if Joel was shot? What if your sister was raped? What if your dad killed someone? These things have to affect us! They have to but they don't! That is so scary! We have become so numb to all the crap that surrounds us that we don't even see it anymore. It's our job as actors to Make people remember. Make people care! Two thirds of the world is starving. More than a million kids are put into slavery every year. KIDS! That could be your kid! That could be the son or daughter that you love! The one that you hold close to heart and protect. We have to care. We have to do something. We have to make people care. We can't be useless entertainers. It's not about that. Laughing is good. Entertainment is good. But that's not the main point of our job. We are here to remind the world of our humanity. Remind us of why we used to care. Why people are the way they are. To understand ourselves and how we have to be there for our people. We are here to remind the protectors of our world. That is our duty.

Discoveries Part 1

So I decided that I'd put up some of the things that I found out about myself in acting, and possibly in other places but I think acting is going to be the biggest one. So I've talked lately with a few people in first year and they told me that I've never actually let anything out on stage. I thought that was silly at first, but Aaron and Juliann told me specifically that I've never actually been angry. Even though I've wanted to be. So today in acting I decided that I would do my very best to just let anything out, not nesesarily anger. Lizzy and I had a really great warm up, so I was feeling pretty good (doesn't happen all that often). But when we got up to do our scene with Tanya, it just sarted falling to pieces for me. I couldn't connect and I kept on getting distracted by Ashley's blue shirt. I was getting so fed up and just frusterated that I couldn't do it right (I know you're not suposed to worry about that, but that's all I have for now) and right near the very end I finally felt something pop. It was really weird cuz I was actually aware of something breaking and I almost thought I heard it. Luckily it didn't distract me so we finished of reasonably well. But then after that I actually visually saw what happened. I actually saw in my head a heart completely covered in chains (there was a yellow background too, that was weird) and the chain that was closest to me was broken. There was one link that had been cracked in half. First off it's pretty creepy that I actually even had that happen, but I think that I now realize why I'm here. I want to teach and that's all good, but I think that I am here so that I can actually get free. I always look at anything that I've dealt with and thought "oh, everyone else has gone through way worse stuff so don't worry about it" but I think that I really am chained. I don't really know how it happened, but I, for once, have something to do for myself. I'm excited!

I see that I have not posted in here in a very long time. There have been many things that I had wished to say, but apparently they went unsaid. That is so like me it's annoying! I wish that I would just get everything out every once in a while. It's not like anyone reads this anyways! But I guess I'm just too used to keeping everything inside. I'm afraid people wouldn't like the real unleashed me. Heck, I don't know if I'd like the real unleashed me! I guess that's why I don't let much out. I'm still scared of myself. I know that there is ugliness inside of me, just like everyone else, but if I can just crush it, no one will ever know. Great logic, but life just doesn't work that way... My head really hurts...

Why?

Ok. I am really angry right now and I don't exactly know why. Well partly because my stupid computer can't remember the stupid password so that I can actually post on this stupid thing. So after about ten minutes of scrambling I can finally post in here and now I don't remember what it even was that I was going to write... I really don't like myself right now... I've changed so much over school but I'm wondering if that's really such a good thing. I've been really quick tempered lately (which is like saying "the cows are especially intelligent today"), I can't seem to make myself care about anything, and I've even started to judge people. I guess that sounds kinda dumb but I've always prided myself in never judging people untill I had actually talked with them and gotten to know them. The caring thing isn't so new which is really frusterating. I mean, I go to school and they try to teach me to be open with my emotions and let stuff affect me, but I don't even care! I want to care so badly, but I just can't do it. And I am still scared absolutely to death with failing. I'm still short almost a thousand dollars for school, which is fine because my parents will gladly pay for it and I still have another week to work anyways, but I can't even make myself tell them because that means that I failed. That I didn't have what it takes to get all the money I need and that I just am not strong enough. MAN I need to hit something... And the thing that I've been most angry about is that I have no relationship with God. None! And I don't care. I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't make myself care. I've been reading and hearing so much lately that God is love and loves you for who you are no matter what, but I just can't believe that He'd love me. I don't believe that I'm worth that. I mean, the God of the universe, who created everything and IS goodness, loving a worthless piece of crap like me. I can't believe that. I hate this, I have so much knowledge (well more than most people anyways) about God and Christianity and stuff, but I have no experience. It's the difference between looking at a map and actually traveling to the places on it. I know that Chrisianity is right, I've found that with my research and from other people who've figured it out, but I can't DO it. What good is a beautiful piece of music if there's no one to play the notes?