A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?

Dream sequence

Just a really short dream last night. All I remember was walking through a blizzard both to and from church in strathmore. Once I was home there was some game going on on tv, so dad and a whole bunch of other people (I think random college students) were there watching too.Grace was there too... I don't know why she's always everywhere, but oh well! It was a fun night, and in the end I headed off into the snow on my own again.

Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

FTW

Ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this, but I play on a soccer team. This soccer team is named Infinity. Tonight I scored not a goal, not a point, but a moment. The goalie of the opposing team had run out of the net, as all of our team was up, except me. The one game this season I decided to play defense, and I had stood back, as a good defense should. Time slowed down a little, the goalie hit the first line on the field. Time slowed again, I could see the little stress lines as he battled to keep away from our center, who was struggling valiantly to retrieve the ball. He reached midfield and slid, hoping to get the ball around me, but it jumped right over his leg and towards my waiting figure. It was the perfect setup. The ball coming directly towards me, no weird spin, no opposing players, just me and the ball. The moment of connection was exhilarating, a moment of pressure, then I watched as the ball sailed up, up, up, much too high to stay in the field. It was a valiant effort, but too much power, not enough control. I watched as the other players started to walk back into position. But then... The ball reentered my vision, it still hadn't touched the netting above the goal, it was still floating, perfectly content, perfectly in bounds. And then, thunk. The screen at the back of the net shuddered, and a whistle blew. There was a second of confusion but all eyes turned to the net. The ball... was in.

Dream Sequence

I had two dreams today. They're fading pretty fast, so I'll just give them a cursory description.
In the first, I'm at a family dinner/get together at a nice little cabin in Rosebud.There's also some family friends there, and we're hanging out and playing games when Grace arrives and is moving pictures and grabbing things, I ask her what she's doing and she says she's preparing for something. She doesn't really want to talk, but I, being the oblivious ox I am, don't notice and keep trying to have a conversation with her. Eventually she snaps and tells me I'm an idiot and she never wants to see or talk to me again. I see a look of shock on my face as the dream fades.

The next dream is a whole lot weirder. At first I'm a trucker trying to go in the middle of winter, so there's snow all over the road. I make a stop to see Luke, but the truck gets stuck so I have to set out to find help. I eventually get to a building and I realize that I'm an evil overlord and that I'm trying to create an army of monsters. I make a few new ones, and manage to get to the next level of monster creation, when I have to go and find out what the disturbance is at a nearby building. There I find a ton of kids, and half of them are pretending to be zombies. I pull out an imaginary pistol and, very seriously, start picking off different zombies, looking for survivors. Some of the kids actually go down when I 'shoot' them, but some don't. I even reload and everything. This is a serious game of zombies! I find a number of survivors scattered around (most of them just wandering around with the zombies) and start forming a band of survivors. Then I notice Luke (who's closer to seven feet tall) and run up to him. I start waking up as we start the conversation, so I'm not actually sure what we say.

I've been having a lot of dreams about Grace lately. It's weird. And frustrating. She always treats me like crap in them. I hate feeling worthless.

Church speaking on God the Provider

Well guys, it's happened! I'm actually speaking in front of a whole bunch of people at REACH tomorrow evening! AAAAAAHHH! I'm super excited and super nervous, so I'm going to be practicing a few times tomorrow. That's after church and rehearsal for my Improv midterm.... Oh boy. Anyways, here's my notes. I like them. They're pretty.


Tonight we're talking about God the Provider. Genisis 22:1-18


Read Gen 22:1-2
Woah. Abraham's journey had already been a little hecktic. Gen 12:1 he left his home for the land that God would give him. Gen 15:5 told he'd be the father of many nations even though he was super old. Gen 17:10 circumcise all the men in his household. About 300. After that he was told that Sarah and he were going to have a son. 99 at that point. Abraham always believed God and followed him and now this. You think after all that God would let him retire and fart around doing whatever it is really really old people do, but instead God asks “how much do you really trust me?”
That's a good question, and one that we should consider. Do I really trust God with my finances, when I'm asked to give offering. With job security when you stand up to your boss. With friends when we don't give in to the peer pressure. With providing a good Christian man or woman when being single is so lonely. Do we trust him when we don't know what he's up to?
Read Gen 22:3-6
We're in on the secret. But Abraham had no idea this was a test. Can you imagine how difficult it was? Saying “We'll be back soon” to his wife. To walk along with his son, oblivious to what his father is needing to do.
Read Gen 22:7-8
What does that mean? Maybe that Isaac, the miraculous gift that God had provided was the sacrifice. Maybe Abraham figured that God would raise Isaac back from the dead. Maybe Abraham suspected that God was testing him. Or maybe Abraham knew that God provided all the times before and he would provide again.
Read Gen 22:9
Abraham had to have told Isaac. The gig was up. There was no lamb along the way, God intended for this to go through. Notice Abraham bound Isaac. Isaac was 15, Abraham 115. Isaac had to allow it to happen. Not only was Abraham following God no matter what, so was Isaac.
Gen 22:10 “Abraham reached out and took the knife to slaughter his son.”
Can you imagine? This is it. No turning back. It's life or death.
Read Gen 22:11-14
That is some faith! And some story! But it's not done yet!
Read Gen 22:14-18
God is a master storyteller. This story is foreshadowing. Consider:
Isaac Abraham's only son, Jesus God's only son.
Isaac carried wood up mountain, Jesus carried cross up the hill.
Isaac was son of promise, Jesus promised one to come.
Isaac submitted to father's will in sacrifice, Jesus said “Not my will, but Yours be done” Luke 22:42
Ram became substitute for Isaac, Jesus became substitute for us.
Abraham didn't withhold his son, and God didn't withhold his.


God provided a ram for Abraham, and he provided a sacrifice for us.
I have a few more stories, maybe a little more identifiable to us. Not all of us have been asked to sacrifice our children, and probably don't even have any.


George Muller, a German man living in Bristol, England. Story of the orphanage and the milkman's truck breaking down outside after praying for breakfast. The baker decided to donate three batches of bread and donate it.
Tons of other amazing stories about prayer and provision.


My good friend had what was supposed to be a good job, but he was treated unfairly until finally he had had enough and quit. Once again stuck without a job, and he'd gone to school, but he's a hands on guy, so that hadn't worked out, so he wasn't able to do what he really wanted to do. Guess what? Two resume's in, and he got a job in the field he wanted to get into. God provided.


Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; know, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”


One last story for you.


John Patrick MD worked with a kid named Steven to research Cystic Fibrosis. Had to have a tube down his nose for a month, but had cough, so it would come out again over two hundred times. Did it and never complained.
Four years later John was called to Steven's room in the hospital. He was dying. When John got there Steven said, “good, I want to see you, sit down. It says in the bible that if you ask anything in my name it will be given to you. I'm nineteen and I'm dying and I don't want to. What do you say?”
So John worked his way through the creeds, God is God, Jesus son of God, confess sins and be forgiven, die and go to heaven. But then he remembered something he'd once heard.
“Oh yes God will provide for all your needs, but do read the fine print. God decides what those needs are. Not you. God will give you the answer to your prayers if it is good as defined by him. Not by you.”
John pointed out to Steven that there were kids that could run that wouldn't have been able to walk if it weren't for the research that he'd helped with.
I think God is saying this, “Steven, you've done everything I've asked of you, you've coughed enough. It's time to come home.””
John said, “we both know that unless there's a miracle, you'll die in the next few hours. Could you believe that that may be the best thing to ever happen to you?”


Are you hungry?
John 6:35 “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry””


Are you thirsty?
John 4:14 “Jesus said, “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.””


Are you lonely?
Deuteronomy 31:6 “Do not be afraid of terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”


Do you feel unloved?
1 John 4:8 “whoever does not love does not know God because God is love.”


All you need is love.


God will always provide you with what you need. He even provided you with his very own son. You never have to worry about provision.


God provides in different ways, a ram stuck in a bush, his son on a cross, a milk truck breaking down, a manager looking for a new hire, a friend in a time of need.


I have a challenge for you, I love challenges. Baker didn't need to give the bread to the orphanage, the manager didn't have to give my friend a job, John didn't have to stay and talk to Steven.


You don't need to worry about God providing TO you, but my challenge to you is this:
will you allow God to provide THROUGH you?

A Gamer's Mind

Well, in an effort to cheer myself up, and considering that I already slept for about six hours today and so shant be getting much sleep, I've decided to talk about games.
Now, you may not know this, but I love games. A ton. And I happen to consider myself to be pretty darn knowledgeable about them! And I've talked about various games with various people this week, some good (see Dominion and Batman: Arkham City), some bad (see Monopoly and WoW), and some just plain weird. And one I'm building.
So first I think I'm going to talk a little about the game I'm building, and then I'm going to talk about my favorite game of all time! It'll be fun! You'll see.

So, the game that I'm working on is a kind of remake of the Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow games in board game format. I've drawn out the map of Kanto and reduced the fifty odd routes into 15. I've also selected fifty of the original 150 pokemon to be featured in the game. I've limited the types to fire, water, grass, flying, normal, electric, psychic, and ground. So I've cut out things like ice, steel, and dark. Each pokemon only has two moves instead of the normal four, and you can't teach them new moves, so that will encourage experimenting with different pokemon, rather than always going after the same ones.
I'm also thinking of adding a sort of special ability to each pokemon that will affect the goings on outside of battle. For example, the water pokemon will have surf, which allows for movement over water, or double speed movement if you have a raft. I haven't figured out what all of the abilities will be or do yet though, so stay tuned!
Movement is going to be pretty simple, you can move one space along a route, or two if you manage to get your hands on a bike. Every time you stop on a space you draw the top encounter card from the route deck (which will be color and symbol coordinated) and either fight a trainer, a wild pokemon, find an item, or have some random event occur.
Battles are going to be quick and exciting (hopefully). Each move has the amount of damage it does, any other effects it may have, and a set of numbers, one of which needs to be rolled in order to hit. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about turn order though... I don't want it to be too complicated, but I don't want it to be so simple that it'll drastically unbalance certain pokemon. Anyways, the pokemon type resistances and weaknesses are still going to apply. Also, the first move of each pokemon I'm trying to have as a mainly damaging move, with the second being a more utility style move, such as healing or delivering status effects.
Well, that's a pretty decent overview of the game I think! I still need to finish deciding on the power and hp of all the pokemon, and to build the different route decks. But once that's done, I'll finally have another completed board game for my repertoire! Although it'll need lots of testing for balance...

For the second portion of this I kind of want to do a mock review. Mostly because I know how insanely biased I am about the awesomeness of this game, and so the almost perfect score I give it is more subjective than actually representative of the game. But I'm going to justify them, so maybe you'll join me in my way of thinking! Also, I'm listening to the soundtrack of the game right now. Be jealous.

Dark Souls. A spiritual successor of Demon's Souls made by From Software (yes I realize that is a ridiculous and potentially confusing name). The catch phrase of the game is "prepare to die" and it is not kidding! Known as the incredibly unhelpful genre of action RPG, this game is unlike any other you'll play. The unforgiving difficulty of the series is probably it's most defining characteristic, along with amazing design. But we'll get into that in more detail... right now!

Design - For me, the most noteworthy thing about this game is the detailed and lovingly crafted world. I'll get into the story in a bit, so for now let's talk about the things you'll be coming across in the game. First up is enemies. You'll be fighting everything from undead humans and dogs in the beginning of the game to dragons, drakes, hydras, stone knights, giant boars, ghosts, lizard men, mimics (if you don't know what these are, then you're in for a great surprise!), crystal golems, and giant cats by the end of the game! The enemies are incredibly varied and each provides it's own unique challenge.
The level design is also fantastic, with locals such as a half submerged city, the insides of an ancient tree, a murky swamp deep underground, an vast lava filled plain, a gloomy graveyard of giants, a bright and beautiful city at sunset, and an old and crumbling castle filled with traps. Each of the levels is masterfully designed, with denizens that just seem to fit perfectly into their surroundings and tons of places to explore and conquer. At first you may be confused about where you need to go, but there are subtle clues that can alert you to the correct path and any traps that may be hiding around the corner.
The thing that I am most impressed by is, even with the huge variety of locations, it all feels like one cohesive world. Every place has it's own definite story and reason for being, and with some very clever design, you can get from one place to another in a number of different ways, which (for me anyways) makes even something as simple as traveling around the map a joy to do. There are also many places that you can see from other places. You can look down from the Tomb of the Giants to see the base of the sea. You can spot the spires of Anor Londo from all the way back in Undead Burg. It's just wonderful! Also, the map is open world, meaning that while there is an intended route, you are under no obligation to go that way. You can head towards some of the very last bosses right from the start, and can even skip some bosses altogether. You just have to be willing to die a few times till you figure out what you're doing!
And finally the boss designs. The bosses of a game are one of the defining designs. A game that's fun, but has forgettable boss battles may be good, but not great. But a game that's just okay, but with awesome and really fun boss battles can really ride on that! First in Dark Souls is, again, the variety. You'll fight a great wolf with a giant sword trying to protect the grave of his master, a pair of almost knights but for one's insatiable appetite for the bones of his enemies, a scaleless dragon driven mad by the allure of immortality, a giant of flame crying tears of lava for his departed sister, a dragon deep underground warped and deformed by his hunger. Each boss has an interesting story to them, which we'll get into later, and is unique in it's battlefield, weaknesses, and tactics. You'll fight in an endless hallway, a vast underground chamber while dodging magic bolts, and on the very top of a castle being pelted by firebombs.
So, with the beautifully crafted and varied enemies, locations, traps, bosses, and shortcuts, I give design a definite 5/5.

Story - Now, I don't usually care too much about the story in a video game. I'm usually one to say that if I wanted a story I'd watch a movie or read a book, but Dark Souls presents it's story in a way that is utterly unique to a video game. Most video games go one of two routes, either having all the exposition and lore written in books and in dialogue trees (I'm looking at you Skyrim!), or having the story revealed to you through cutscenes (I'm looking at you MGS4!). So, effectively, choosing between reading a book or watching a movie. (or from my previous examples, about fifty books and eight movies) However, Dark Souls does something that I've never seen before and takes a completely different approach. The only cutscenes are at the very beginning of the game (about two minutes) and a ten second intro scene before each of the bosses. And there isn't a single sign or book to be found throughout the game world (aside from a little text popup that tells you when you've entered a new area). All of the story of the game is found by exploring and wondering. There's only about a dozen NPCs in the game, and each of them has their own specific purpose, such as selling you magic spells or armor, and each of them has just one little option in their interaction menu: Talk. Select this and you get a tiny glimpse into the vast world of events happening around you. You don't get a wall of text or an hour of speech, you just get a few sentences about the character and what he might think of the place he's in, or the other people you've found. The rest of the story is found from item descriptions and placement, as well as paying attention to the things happening around you. Each item has a short description of what it is and what it does, and two or three sentences about the lore of the game. So you might learn from a particular hat that there was a college of magic that was drawn into a war. You may learn from a ragged set of boots that a powerful pyromancer's curse is what caused the decay in the undercity of Blighttown. Or you might even discover from a sword that an an ancient group of knights were brought to make a terrible decision to stop the spreading of a great evil. The most heartbreaking thing I discovered was finding a boss just standing and watching, without lifting a finger against me, that is until I picked up an old dress lying around. It turns out that the boss, burning from the pyromancy that had gone wrong and keeping the lava flowing with his molten tears, had been watching over the grave of his long dead sister as his last homage to her before he lost his mind. Yeah. Ouch.
The way that Dark Souls presents itself makes it easy to miss the incredible story, which is a shame, but it allows for you to explore as deeply as you want, and gain an experience unlike any I've ever had. From Soft had the fantastic idea of letting you discover the story by actually playing the game, and they delivered brilliantly.
For the deep, rich, and inventively presented story, I give the story in Dark Souls a 5/5.

Gameplay - Now we come to the big one. A game may be as beautiful and varied as you like, but if it isn't fun and interesting, it sucks. This also holds a dear place in my heart as I love studying game mechanics. The choices and design of the mechanics are more interesting to me than any backdrop!
Where to start... Well, in the game you will find literally hundreds of weapons, armors, and items to help you on your quest. Again Dark Souls allows for you to go as deep as you like even when it comes to armor and weapon sets. You can just pick the armor with the best defense and weapon with the highest attack power and head on your merry way! However, if you feel so inclined, you may want to dive into the specifics. Each enemy you'll encounter has weaknesses and resistances to things like fire, slash, or piercing attacks, and each of your armors has stats to defend against those as well. There is also poise values, which determine how hard a hit you can take without being stunned, and weight, to determine if you roll like a ninja or like a sack of hammers. Armors can also give you special stat bonuses such as increasing your stamina regeneration or boosting the power of your magic attacks. Each weapon has it's own special move set, and while some are recycled among other weapons of the same type, no two weapons handle in exactly the same way. So along with the amount and type of damage that each weapon can do, you can also take into account how fast it swings, if you can swing it in a hallway, if you can attack while hiding behind a shield, and if it goes well with your slick new boots. Each weapon also has a stat requirement and most have a stat adjustment, so you need to have the right amount in specific stats, and you can get bonuses if your stat is higher than needed. And lastly, you can have a shield (or a weapon, but it doesn't really help) in your off hand that again can give you bonuses and resistances. You are also able to parry an incoming attack with a shield, which allows for a devastating counterattack! Warning! Not all enemies and/or attacks can be countered! Shields also have different handling abilities, such as longer windows for you be able to parry, or being able to shield bash to knock an enemy off balance. Let me reiterate again, you don't have to get into this if you don't want to!
Another key part of the gameplay is the leveling system. This is another cool thing about Dark Souls, in that it is possible to compete the entire game without leveling a single time. Levels, as in a typical RPG, increase your damage, health, amount you can carry, the power of your spells, number of spells you can have at a time, and other such things. While the rewards for leveling up aren't particularly inspired, the experience (XP) system is a little more interesting. You receive "souls" for every enemy you defeat, and these souls are used both as currency and as XP. So you can use them either to get better equipment, or to improve your base stats. Another interesting way that From has used difficulty in the game is by making it that any time you die, you drop all of the souls that you were currently carrying and you have only one attempt to retrieve them before they are lost to you forever. A little frustrating at times, but it makes the thrill of defeating a boss and getting a ton of souls even more tension filled on the way back to the bonfire.
What's a bonfire? Why let me tell you! Bonfires function as the game's checkpoints. As you progress through the game you will light various bonfires and if, or when, you die, you respawn at the last bonfire you rested at. Your healing items, called Estus Flasks, are refilled when you rest at a bonfire, but there is one thing to keep in mind. Every time you rest at a bonfire, every enemy (with a very few exceptions) will respawn and again challenge your path. This creates an interesting situation. Less skilled players will find that they have to rest at bonfires often to replenish their healing supplies, but having to find new, more efficient ways of getting through areas because of the constant threat, whereas a more experienced player can clear out an area, and so long as they're not too afraid of dying and losing all their souls, can defeat almost every enemy in the game and run around with impunity!
So, for intricate yet accessible item systems, the exciting and tension filled experience system, and the different ways of engaging players of different skill levels, I give the gameplay a 5/5.

Obviously this is a very biased review as it is by far my favorite game, I really think it is amazingly done. I realize that it is definitely not for everyone, as it requires patience and a willingness to explore to really get the most out of the game. But I think that everyone should give it a try at least once, or at least look up the fantastic lore videos on youtube. There's ones by EpicNameBro and VaatiVidya if you need a good place to start. So, good night and good grief everyone!

Today

Man, I sure do miss being happy. Those were the days...

Itunes? I swear by it! Sorry, I mean I swear at it.

Sigh... This is why I should never put off anything ever. I had a ton of stuff that I wanted to write about last night, but by now I've forgotten what those things were...
Well, I do remember part of it was a little bit of an analysis of myself. Those are always fun! And informative. And maybe you can learn a little about me as well! Which reminds me that I want to work on my series where I look at my pros and cons. Later.
I am an incredibly strong minded person. I wouldn't say stubborn, but that level of immovability. I am more than willing to listen to any view and learn from it, but I believe what I believe, and I believe it hard. And since I'm so logically based in my thinking, unless the other person can give me very convincing reasons to accept their point of view, I tend to safely discount it once I've analyzed it. Now, this is not a bad thing, it's just interesting, and I really like that you can't convince me of something through tears or yelling. I am able to lay aside my emotions (usually) when evaluating a view. I find this encouraging for myself because it forces me to actually make sure I understand my own views pretty well, and I believe it challenges other people to really know why they think what they do. You can call my point of view names all you want, I won't change unless you give me a good reason. And reason is not too bountiful in the world nowadays.
However, the flip side to this is that I sometimes find it difficult to engage with other people's emotions when dealing with their issues. I'm the stereotypical man in that, if you have a problem, then we should work to solve it. I don't really understand what happened exactly, because I used to be so good at this. I used to be able to easily understand and connect with people emotionally. Now I just think. It's incredibly frustrating for me, because I know I can distance myself and get a good understanding of the situation and what's going on, but I don't know how to effectively communicate it and engage in a, I dunno, comforting way, I guess. It's handy being able to see things from the outside, but it's really hard to get back in for me. I can comment on situations and I usually have something good and insightful to say, I just don't really know how to say it well. Bummer for me! Actually, probably more of a bummer for other people.
I do have more to say, but I've been struck by a wave of tiredness, so I'm going to bed. It's weird, I've been getting tired sooner than usual. It's only one thirty right now! But I'm going to turn on my speedruns and sleep. Good night.

Introspection

Greetings dear internet friends. It's yet another night on yet another day. Again. So... Fuck me.

Let's expand on that shall we?

What the hell am I doing here? What am I good for? Why do I feel so incredibly lonely? Why can I not seem to do anything good? Am I worth it? Cuz I sure don't see it. Rayne told me that I've asked her several times why she's my friend, and that I shouldn't have to ask. But I don't see it! Sure I'm funny sometimes, but so is literally every other person on the planet!
God? Where are you? I need you. I feel so worthless. Like I am a complete waste of space. I'm so lonely. I feel like I can't breathe.I'm empty. I'm so done with this. I always say that though. And I'm still here. God, I hate myself. I find nothing lovable about me, and I'm so afraid that no one else does either. I feel like I let everyone down. Like I'm supposed to be better, but I just can't. I'm broken God. I'm so broken. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling valued. I miss feeling like I'm really worth someone's time. That life would be better for someone if I'm around. I miss Grace. I feel like a failure because I still miss her sometimes. I just read a status she wrote about how it was just a year ago that she hurt so much she couldn't breathe. I was a part of that. It was my failing that lead to that. How can I love a man who destroys the person he cares most about? She was everything to me. I know that's not good, but it's true. Why would you make someone like me? I don't want me, and I don't see how anyone else would. Why do you? Do you? God?

Dream Sequence

Last night, in a dream, I learned how to teach a grade one class basic addition and multiplication. However, in doing so I ran out of money, and for some reason I bused around all night. It was odd.

Cuz poems

Wander down a darkened street with no sense of direction
a beauty mark left in the park, last remnants of perfection

if wandering is all that you do
what chance is there of finding true love

if true love is as true love does
I'll give all that I am because
I'm ready and waiting for something new
In fact, I'm waiting for you

a thundering tempo a roaring fire
a boxing match down to the wire
a lilting laugh a grand romance
a tickling match until we tire

if excitement is all that you need
I'm afraid I'll leave your heart to bleed, love

if true love is as true love does
I'll give all that I am because
I've nothing left, need something new
In fact, all I need is you

I search again for someone to approach the goal: perfection
is something more hid past the door, or a simple misdirection?

Greetings to the groupies

Hello again dearest internet, it's been a while. It seems that the only time I actually write on here is when there's something bothering me, which is fine, cuz that's kind of what this was for in the first place, but at the same time I feel that this gives a rather incomplete picture of me. Cuz I'm ordinarily a rather positive person. I almost never complain about anything, and I'm emotionally stable. Although you probably already knew that didn't you?
Anyways, there's many things on my mind right now. Missing friends, missing friendships, worrying for friends, worrying about jobs, life, career, if I really do have any idea what I'm doing. You know, the usual. There's nothing wrong really. I guess I could complain that I still don't have a job while I thought I'd have one by last Monday. I could complain that no one came to games night. I could complain about a lot. Well, actually I can only think of two other things, but I'm sure I could come up with more if I applied myself. So, despite my very rough outline of what I was planning on writing tonight (you know how I love plans) I'm going to write about something else. Maybe a little about Relient K. Now, I think I've already posted the song on an earlier post, and I'm too lazy to check at the moment, so I'm just going to say it's from their new album and it's called Don't Blink. Look it up on youtube if you're so inclined. I'm going to write the lyrics and then decide what I think about each of them! Good idea Ryan!

Don’t know where to go from here
My thoughts are tangled twisted fears
Been waiting a while now on the dawn
Seems like the sun may never come

I made my way through the darkest night
To the break of day on the other side
For some time the light’s been creeping in
Now I’m feeling like I could trust again

You’re the only person who reminds me
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Oh, you’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making plans and drawing maps
I plan to take the righteous path
And hope and pray it leads me back
To all the happiness I had

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn't love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me
You’re the only person who reminds me

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
I've been terrified of life for way too long
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Hold on now
Don’t you blink or it’s gone
Oh oh oh oh
Oh, no now don’t you blink or it’s gone
In another life who knows what we’d become?

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

Been making lists and crossing off
Every kiss that wasn’t love
And every word that stretched the truth
Like when she said she loved me

So I copy pasted it from a website. Sue me. Also, they mixed up the order, so I fixed it. I'm no sheep! Anyways, I'm just gonna go through this systematically and we'll see what happens shall we? (I hate words with double letters by the way)
Well, the very start kind of sums up what's going on right now. At this exact moment. At this particular point in history. I don't know where my thoughts are going or where I'm going to end up. Oh boy. Like I said, there's nothing particularly wrong, but there hasn't really been for a long time. Just waiting for the sun to come again.
This next part reminds me of my baptism. Out of the darkest night and into the light. But for me, the light has really been creeping. Or maybe I've been hiding from it in my room. I do spend a lot of time in here. But I go out and do stuff! I just held a games night! I started my own bible study! Blech. I don't know that I'm ready to trust again. I just keep getting burned. And by burned I mean, like, the house burned down kind of burned.
You're the only person who reminds me... That used to be Grace. Then it was Rayne. But Grace is gone, doing her thing, and Rayne is off with her wonderful new boyfriend. Blech. Why can I only see the beauty of life sometimes? Every day it's a toss up of whether I'll be able to be happy or not. Sometimes, for no reason as far as I can tell, I just can't be happy. I honestly do try, cuz frankly I'm tired of being unhappy, but trying just isn't doing it. I don't get me. I just laughed because I misspelled something and thought it was funny. Am I happy or not? Huh. Love is beautiful and true. I disagree. Only true love is, and I have yet to see that. Eh, maybe I'm just a disgruntled old man. And, as I said before, maybe tomorrow I'll be back to the fun loving old me and I'll believe again. I just feel like I'm swimming against the current sometimes. And I'm not a fan of water.
Don't you blink or it's gone. This seems to be a musical go to almost. Which is why I'm kind of surprised to hear it in a Relient K song. They've always impressed me with their incredibly witty and fun lyrics. Not that it's bad, I just wasn't expecting a well used musical trope. Whatever. It's true though. It's about really living in the moment and not letting yourself get distracted from what's happening right now. And from experience I also read in it that you have to stay totally engaged in the moment. If you let yourself slip, if you don't do your best, it's gone. Sometimes there are no second chances. Moving on. I've been terrified of life for way too long. Hmm... There's just something about that line that resonates with me. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of failing at the important things. I can do well on trivial things. A test, a coffee, a game. But on the really important things I seem to consistently fall flat on my face. Friendships, romance, love, God... I keep building up the courage to give it another go, and then ruin it. I feel like it's always my fault. I am terrified.
Mmm... Cheery. Alrighty! Plans and Maps! Woot! I love plans! And maps! Did I ever tell you that I used to do cartography as a hobby? I absolutely loved drawing detailed maps and measuring the distances and angles to the nearest millimeter. Sigh... Good times. I still am designing board games. A little bit of a slow season at the moment, but that always happens. Josh and I were working on a Pokemon board game, and Kyle and I are going to be working on a Mall builder/Sims kind of board game over the summer. I think Grace would be really excited with some of our ideas! Anyways, that's enough fun. Back to the serious business of song lyrics ruminating and evaluating. I haven't really been working all that hard at the righteous path for a while. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like it never helped anything, and was a bit of a bother. Well aren't I just the model Christian! Eh? Eh? I'm going to save this for tonight, cuz I want to move on. I'll just say that I miss the passion I had about God, and I have no idea how to get it back. Which, oddly enough, leads me directly to the end of this verse. I miss being really happy. I had that as a kid, with Carsyn, with Grace. Now I'm just wandering. Pathetic.
Just let me say, that this bridge doesn't sound nearly as impressive and utterly heart moving when it's just at normal volume. No, this bridge (and whole song if you're into that) is meant to be played at full volume. Crank the computer, crank the music player, crank the stereo. Mmm. Delicious. Here's the thing though. I don't always live in the past. I usually don't. But sometimes I just hurt. It reminds me of a song by Nevertheless. "They say time is a healer, it's more like a concealer for a scar." I have to say I agree with this. Now that doesn't make me a pessimist or a cynic, it's just that, from my experience, this is totally true. Maybe it's just the case that I let the scab get ripped off before it's actually healed, but I still hurt from every single time I was told that I wasn't worth it, through words or actions. Or the even more fun one where I heard the words "I don't love you anymore." I hope with all my heart that you never hear those words. There is nothing I have ever heard that have crushed me as much as those words. Which, now that I think of it, may be the reason that I'm so scared to go after God. What if he, like so many important people in my life, also says that? It's that stupid battle between the head and the heart. What I know holds no sway over what I feel. I hope that's normal. I'd hate to be the only one who feels this helpless about emotions.
Then it's chorus, alternate chorus, prechorus, bridge, end. In the morning, I'm going to listen to that silly song at full volume. I can't right now cuz it's past midnight.

So... That was fun wasn't it? I wonder, am I living a facade and only really unearth anything when I'm here on my blog, safe from the eyes of the world, or is it here, where I dredge up any potential crap and bring it to fruition? Am I a happy go lucky fun bucket, or a despondent, cynical, and dry man? Or maybe I'm a little of both, and I'm just waiting for someone to crack me. Or maybe... I'm... Batman?

A new song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io0yQfX10-s
Oh man. It makes my toes tingle. It excites me deep inside. This is my life right now. Also, it's my favorite band...

Dream Sequence

Tonight I just had two pretty short dreams. The first I don't remember all that well, but I do remember that Sally, Rayne, and one other girl and I were all going to a movie. We were at some university when we all decided to head out, but none of us had a car, so Rayne and I got on one bike, and Sally and the other girl got on the other. It started to rain a little, but it was a light and refreshing rain, so no one minded. I started off towards the theatre, across a ludicrously large parking lot, when I glanced behind me to see Sally racing her bike parallel to mine, and then suddenly try to turn. They must have been going at least sixty, because the bike skidded on the slick pavement, and they both went tumbling across the ground, bouncing and screaming. Then I heard a sickening crack, and saw Sally's arm crumple underneath her. I tell Rayne to call an ambulance and to see to Sally because I knew Rayne had first aid, and I didn't know what to do. Then I ran as fast as I could to find help. I ran through the yards of a bunch of houses, and over some of their fences. Finally I got to the school, and I found Chris. I told him what was going on, and he told me he knew what to do and so we headed back. Only we headed back very slowly, because Chris would stop every once in a while to appreciate something or other. When we finally got back to the parking lot, Sally was moved to the end closest to us, and there were about a dozen other people, some playing basketball, some chatting, and everyone trying to act normal to fight their panic. (or it could be that they just were there doing that because dreams are weird) Chris started to help Sally when the dream ended.
I'm not sure how the second dream started, but I remember that I and a few other people were scattered across a number of small pallets floating on a huge lake in a warehouse. It was probably about thirty or fourty feet deep, and went on further than I could see. I was on my pallet, terrified out of my mind, because, let's face it, I'm terrified of big bodies of water, when some mermaids showed up and swam around and under the pallets everyone was on. Suddenly one person screamed and was pulled under the water, when all of the mermaids turned into the Pirates of the Caribbean ones, and started trying to drag everyone in. Being that I am terrified of water, and now had terrifying things attacking me from that, I leaped about twenty five feet up against the wall and then managed to keep myself there by pushing against two vertical steel beams. I should mention that the group was very close to the corner of the warehouse. I looked back down, but all of the mermaids had gone. Soon a guy, who apparently I knew from before, showed up in a little tug boat, and started picking up the people still stranded. He noticed me way up and made fun of me, but while he was distracted, he rammed the boat into on of the steel beams, and it started to smoke. He muttered something about crappy equipment and I spotted a number of different kinds of sharks swimming around. Now, if you know me, and you know how terrified I am of sharks, you'll know how crazy it was that I came down and ballanced myself on one of the pallets. The people in the boat were trying to figure out how they could safely get to the exit, which was in the corner. I (again crazily) said, "I'll show you how." and proceeded to leap from pallet to pallet at top speed until I went flying into the safety of the solid floor. Sally was working at one of several computers, looking fit as a fiddle, and I gave her a huge hug and told her I was so glad she was okay. She then started to tell me that yes she was okay, and went to explain why, but it was something about how she had been having trouble with her family or friends or something and I realized that she had broken her arm in the other dream, and that apparently dreams don't carry over. I was still relieved to see her though, and I told her, and then went to explore a little bit. (I have no idea what happened to the people on the boat. I assume they followed my example and got out, but I never saw them again, so I don't know) I turned a corner and saw this extremely lanky guy kick Tony into a wall, where he collapsed. The guy then turned and kicked at me, but I grabbed his foot and started twisting when a list of different fighting moves appeared, along with a number representing their various effectiveness and level of difficulty. The move I was just doing was colored red and was marked as a 10.34, with the next highest being a 10.24, and the rest being around two or three. I did my "aren't I so great" look, and started to finish the move, but the man stopped me by saying that he would still fight as hard as he could. Tony tried to encourage me to fight, but I let the guy's leg drop, hung my head, and asked him earnestly if he would please leave us alone and let us leave. When I looked up I saw that the man was actually a picture book, and the conversation was written on the pages and they slowly turned. I expectantly waited for an answer, and the page turned to a blank page with a picture of some nice rolling hills and a rabbit. Finally the page flipped again, and it said that he would grant my request.
The End.

simply being loved

Ah life. I still swear in my head a lot... I should really be working on Astronomy. Or drama. Or memorizing. Or writing up QR codes.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess  my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.

ow

Today I learned that emotional pain can manifest itself in physical pain. Cool!

Lent

Well, for Lent I've made a very late decision to give up Youtube and Twitch until Easter. This means that I now have two of my biggest time sucks gone, so I should be getting a lot more useful things done! It also gives me a chance to write on here a lot more, which is something I really want to do. I'm still not a fan of writing, but I feel like this is good for me or something. I don't really have anything to say today. Mom and dad sent me money for rent and to pay my credit card, so that's awesome. I've started reading my Bible in the mornings instead of at random times, so we'll see how that goes. I've also started doing a little exercise every morning. The thing is that I haven't done that in so long that I pushed myself too hard and kind of hurt myself, so I'll pull it right back until I'm back to super strength. Sounds like a plan! Also, I've been walking to school, which has been nice. It's got me listening to music again, which I like. That's about it! Bye!

It's like a rock

Well, this sucks. So, you know how when you compare your problems to someone else's, and then you feel like a complete tool because your problems aren't as bad? But then again, sometimes they are just as bad for you because you're just different from the other people and so are vulnerable to different things... Anyways, Rayne just lost another relative. That makes five in the last four months. That's rough. That's a real problem. But here I am, completely debilitated by my own stupid problems. It seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong.


Also, since Love List, I swear like an angry sailor in my head.

Timpany Hall

Nothing to do with the title, here's a photo I found that I wish I lived by more. It's just that feelings and I don't work together so well. I always forget their names, and I hate crowds, so I can only handle one, maybe two.

A new way to be human

I just realized that it only takes me about a millisecond to decide on the title of a post, even if I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to talk about! Interesting... Anyways, I've discovered that people tend to think as they talk instead of what I usually try to do, which is have my idea fully thought out before voicing it. However, I now realize that my method doesn't really work all that well for me considering my horrible memory. So I'm going to be trying more to let myself be unsure of my thoughts even as I voice them. This'll be a very odd transition!
Anyways, I was just thinking about something that Rayne and I were talking about last night, namely the idea of people and goodness. The way I look at it is that we are made in God's image, and that image is our spirit or soul. Now that soul is in and of itself good, because it is a reflection of God, who is the very definition of good. Kind of think of a mirror, and stick with me. But Satan comes along and messes up this world, and that ends up dirtying our mirror.
My friend/acquaintance David said that one of the biggest lies that Christians tend to believe is that we are garbage, when in fact we are simply broken. I agree with him, but I also like the idea of a dirty mirror more. But broken makes sense to me too.
I just had a thought. So we're mirrors right? But I wasn't sure how to make that connect with the idea of Christianity as a transformation. But I have an idea. What if our souls become what it is that we point ourselves at. Think of us as mirrors all walking around on the earth. Some of us point at money, some at popularity, some at sex. Now each of these things is good, but because of Satan's meddling we can't have the perfect true goodness in the world, and therefore, pointing ourselves at these things will end up making us a shadow the the true goodness these things are supposed to be.
So what if the transformation of Christianity is God twisting our frames from looking at the things in the world, to instead point towards him. We see the light in the things in the world, and we strive to get it, to feel it, to bring that light into ourselves. We say to God that we can figure out the light ourselves, we can uncover it, we can get that light ourselves, but God says, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIGHT!" It's hard to let God turn our frames because it's too bright, it hurts our eyes.
It's because of God that there is light shining on the things in the world, and maybe another way of looking at it is that all the good things on the earth are mirrors themselves. They have the light shining on them, but they can't reflect it perfectly. They have the grime of corruption on them. Maybe we keep on looking for goodness and light, but we miss the sun.
I need to figure out how to say this better, but I think I like what's coming of this. Good talk. See ya.

Feelings...

Well, I finally figured out what I've been feeling lately. I've been so tired that I thought I was just feeling everything as more tiredness, but I've managed to identify what's going on! Yay! I'm feeling tired, lonely, ugly, useless, unworthy, and unwanted. And one that I don't know the word for, but I can describe it. It's like I'm supposed to be someone else, someone better, but I'm just not. To borrow and paraphrase a metaphor from Hugo, I feel like the world is a machine, but I'm one of the extra parts. I'm irrelevant. There's the word! Frig. Did I mention I've been very pessimistic lately?

I just realized that I've become a lot more pessimistic since being with Grace...

Hello to the USA

I was just checking my stats and it turns out that almost every viewer I've had has been from the US, along with one lonely guy from china... This is kind of awesome because it means I have random people reading my blog, which is cool, but it also means that absolutely none of my friends are/have read it. Which is substantially less cool. So let's see what's changed in the past few days shall we?
Still suck for sleeping. I know I should probably be lying in bed right now trying to sleep, but it hasn't worked yet, so I've pretty much given up on getting any sleep before five. I'm just tired. You know it.
Rayne and I are doing announcements at church tomorrow, which is cool. We just go early to find out what the announcements are, and then improvise a short scene telling the church about it. It's pretty fun. I've been connecting better with Rayne the last few days as well, which is fantastic! Although she still doesn't touch anymore, which is really grating on my nerves...
I've decided to create my own Love List out of one of the many spares that Rayne made for the show, so we shall see how that goes. I know what about half of them will be, but the rest I have no clue. Should be good.
I didn't end up having people over for games tonight, which is fine. I ended up hanging out with Rayne for most of the day, and then Josh came home and Derek came over and we got groceries and watched Hugo. It was really artsy. I didn't really like it. Hee hee. Our oven handle broke, so Rayne tried using some industrial glue she had, and we ended up spending two hours holding the handle in place because we didn't have a clamp. It also turns out that Rayne didn't read the part where it says on the glue bottle that it doesn't work for plastics or metal, which is what the handle and oven are made of, respectively. It was fine though. I got to hang out with my best friend for the longest time in a long time, so I don't mind at all.
I've got one assignment due on Monday for History and Development, and I've only completed a third of it, so I'm not looking forward to doing that all day tomorrow, and I need to write a critique on an article I can barely understand for Sociology on Tuesday, so that'll be a barrel full of fun...
It's that whole problem of the 'but' if you know what I mean. If you don't, I mean that there is always some sort of exception to a positive statement. So I can say that I'm enjoying life right now, but I just feel so tired and lonely right now. I don't feel loved. I know I'm loved, I know that a hundred percent, but I don't feel it. That's what I hate. Eh. Life just sucks and I'm gonna have to get used to it I guess! Good night yall!

Another sleepless night with Ryan

Greetings and hello to all my readers! It's time for another sleepless night with Ryan! Although I haven't actually written anything on any of said sleepless nights, so this is probably the first time you've heard of it! So, I haven't been able to sleep much the past three weeks now. It's very tiring. I'm actually surprised I'm not completely insane by now. I'm not completely not sleeping mind you, I just sleep very sporadically, and only for a half hour at a time. So the most I've actually slept in a night recently has been four hours over the course of the night. Oddly enough though, I've been able to have better sleeps elsewhere... For example, I've taken a few naps in Rayne's bed and those have been for two and six straight hours, so those were great! Although Rayne's been getting mad at me for being in her room without asking her... So there's that. And I've also fallen asleep for a little in every one of my astronomy classes, and I took an hour and a half nap on a bench at the school. So I don't really know what's going on with that. I think it has something to do with the warmth of the room, cuz our furnace has been not running very well recently, and I find it incredibly hard and uncomfortable to sleep when I'm cold. Josh did lend me his heater, but we can't run both that one and Rayne's in the basement at the same time, and Kirby (Rayne's bird) needs a warm room, so I've just let Rayne have hers on. But yeah. Basically the point of all that is that I'm really tired. However, I'm not nearly as crabby (though still a little according to Rayne) as I usually am when I'm overly tired. So I guess that's good. Maybe I'm just getting used to it. Anyways, I should probably let you all know what's been going on in my very long absence!
First thing, and most recent, is that Aubrey has moved out and Josh has moved in! Yay! I'm going to miss Aubrey, but I'm really glad Josh is here now. I think it'll be good for him, and it doesn't hurt to have another good friend around. Especially with Rayne acting kind of oddly. It may just be because I'm tired, but I've been having a really tough time connecting with her, and I'm getting on her nerves a lot. It's incredibly frustrating, but I have no idea what to do about it. I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I can't really put my finger on what feels wrong. Maybe once I start getting more sleep things will get better.
I got a lot less in my student loan that I thought I was going to, so that was a rather unpleasant surprise... So I'm going to have to get a job right quick otherwise I won't be able to afford rent next month. So that's been preying on my mind. But mom has been keeping a lookout, and I have as well, so I have a few places to look. And Josh is still trying to get me a job at the Source, so it'd be great if that would pan out.
And finally, I was in a play! The Love List! Yay! It was really fun, and we got a ton of laughs, so that's always encouraging. We also got a number of positive reviews, so that was nice. It's been a really weird experience for me though. It's been said that you find a little bit of yourself in every character you play, and in my character of Bill, I found that to be extremely true. In fact, scarily true. Every single time I dove more into the character I found a little more of myself. This is ordinarily a really good thing, and it definitely was for the sake of the character, but I discovered a lot of things about myself that I really don't like. I've discovered a lot of different fears that Bill and I share, as well as some character traits. In fact, I feel like Bill may be a pretty accurate picture of who I'll be in twenty some years.
Let's start with a little bit of his background. Bill was married seven years ago, and still carries the scars of that terrible relationship. She split up with him because he bored her to death, and I can totally relate on that. After about two years everyone I know (except for Carl) has gotten bored with my sense of humor and just me. Which is oddly specific, but it's happened so consistently that I can't discount it. I know Grace didn't actually site this boredom as part of the reasons that she broke up with me, but I know it was one of them. And not just because I knew it was going to happen, but because I saw it happening. One thing that Bill specifically wanted on the list was for the woman to enjoy kissing him because "when I was with Roxanne I didn't feel like she liked kissing me, and that hurt me. So I want someone who likes to kiss me." Ouch. That's to a tee what I felt with Grace. Especially with the whole hurting bit.
Another one Bill wanted was for the woman to be well versed in many subjects and I completely relate to that! No sad memories about this one, I just really enjoy being around people who know a lot about different things. This is one of the reasons I love Rayne so much. She always has something interesting about basically anything. She reminds me of dad in that. It's awesome.
Bill also didn't see himself as very attractive (actually, attractive in any capacity), and I share in that. I can't remember ever actually being told that I look good when I'm not specifically dressed up for something. It doesn't bother me too too much, but still, it'd be nice.
There's more, actually a lot more, ranging from enjoying math a lot to being kind of clueless about social cues, but I'm about done for tonight. I just felt guilty for not writing on my blog in so long, and I do want to stay true to my ideal of posting at the very least once a month. But the last thing that I've been dragging away from this play is this trivial thing that Bill swears. Which isn't a big deal really, swearing isn't specifically wrong, but I hate it, and I hate that it's taken me in so much. I find myself swearing in my head all of the time, and it just makes me angry, and I'm sure something is going to slip out sometime. But what I hate the most is that I took the Lord's name in vain. Well, Bill did, but that was something that I wanted to hold myself to, and then I just completely failed at doing that. Because there is everything wrong with doing that, and it killed me inside every single time I did it. I hate myself a little for doing it, even though I wasn't given a choice. I realize that most of you won't see what the big deal is, but let's just say that I work very hard at controlling my tongue. After all, it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison" according to James 3:8.
That's not to say that I haven't taken anything good from the show. I have, but I have just found so much about myself that I don't like and now have to deal with. It's just frustrating. It reminds me why I don't want to be an actor as my career, as well as the whole process being incredibly stressful.
But now I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and hope to fall asleep... I did find a really warm sweater at the bargain shop, so I'm not freezing cold at the moment. It's rather nice. I'm sick of being cold. Man, I just feel like I haven't let myself complain so much, so I'm dumping most of it now. Sorry about that! But I do feel a little better. But, like I said, I'm going to stare at the ceiling in search of sleep now, so wish me luck! Good night!