A fine night fight

Tonight is the night of December 4th. A date of no particular importance to me, but a date that shall never again be seen or experienced. A day that is a birthday to many, a deathday to some; a day of laughter, of sorrow, maybe of horror. But today I ask what is truly important? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking through priorities. Thinking of opportunities, of new beginnings. On the last Tuesday Night Bible Study I asked a question to everyone that came, and that question was, "why are you a Christian?" A fair question, and not too difficult for me to answer, but the next question is what gets me. "What would make someone think to guess that you are a Christian? Are you living your life in a way that would make anyone even suspect that you are a Christian?" Now that's where it gets trickier.
What is truly important? The things that I focus on and put effort into are what I'm known for, and rightly so. I'm known for my passion for people, how I fight for them and with them. I'm known for my goofiness, for my humor. I'm known for my excitement in knowledge, how I love learning and expanding my mind. I'm known as an actor, someone who can slip into the body and mind of another person.
But am I known for my passion for God?
I run a bible study, I'm a speaker and leader at the young adults at my church, I study theology and apologetics almost every day, but do I truly live in a way that would make someone suspect that I'm a Christian? Is this truly a priority for me, or just something I do because I think it should be important?

The truth is that I'm tired. Not physically exactly, but mentally, spiritually. I'm tired of not being able to give good advice, of not being able to relate to the problems my friends are going through, of being terrified to fail. I see so much on the internet about how Christians are hypocrites, bigots, and uneducated. I don't want to be like that. But I fail to love, to understand, and to care. That's it there. Care. You see, I struggle with apathy. I struggle with self worth. That's not what I'm going to talk about, but it is one of my two main struggles. But apathy. I remember in a project for drama class in high school one of my friends did a scene about an anorexic person. And she said she wanted to want to stop. That's where I am. I want to want to care. There are two things that I always care about. Teaching and the people I'm with. If I am with you, then I am with you one hundred percent. I am passionate about the people I interact with. I am fully committed in the connection. But when I'm not with you, when I lose that fundamental, foundational connection, I don't care anymore. I hate it. I don't even want to care. I hate myself for that. How can I be a worthwhile person when I can't even care about the people most important to me. So Becky, Carl, Michelle, John, Dan, Ashley, Lizzy, Grace, Carsyn, Berge, Nathan, and so many others, I'm sorry... I want to say that I love you all, but how can I claim that when I can't even honestly say I care. When it makes me grimace at the thought of picking up my phone to call, or even just to text you. I can truly say that I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. But how can I change? I've asked God to help me in my relationships, with my apathy, but I still struggle. I don't always, sometimes I can work up the nerve to call or text. But now, today, even most days...
And I don't want to change, because that would take so much effort, and think of all the people that I'd have to talk to, all the people who would expect things of me. Isn't that pathetic? But honestly that's why I don't want to change. I'm too lazy, I'm too tired, I don't care. But I want to care. I want to want to change.
But this leads me to another question that I can't answer. I know someone will read this someday. What do I want? What is my purpose in writing this? I can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, and I feel like there's no point in me even saying any of this unless I get something I want. But I don't want your pity. I don't want you to text me, that'd more than likely annoy me. I have no idea what I want. I'd like a hug. Maybe a cuddle. I'm really lonely. Which makes sense. Who'd want to hang out with someone who can't even connect to you if you're not in the room? Do I want you to feel guilty? I don't know how this would make you feel guilty, but I am good with manipulation, and guilt is pretty easy to get, and it's pretty powerful.

I want to be different. I hate myself. Almost everything I do is to improve myself in some way, to not let anyone down, but I always fail. Not necessarily in improving myself, I am smarter, funnier, and better than ever. I fail in make myself worth anything. Here's the thing, I know I'm worthwhile, I know I'm a good man, but I don't believe it. The whole head and heart war that I always talk about.
Huh. I guess I want your pity. Pathetic, right?