Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!