I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?
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