Kind of a book review, kind of a rebuttal

Hello dear blog readers! It is I once again! It's Christmas break right after Christmas, so this is the part of the story where I'm still at my parent's house, but everyone else has work and friends and such, so I'm stuck at home by myself. But that's okay! Although I really wish I had brought more books with me... I just have The Kingdom of the Cults, Wizards First Rule, and In Defense of Atheism. I finished the first two, and have restarted reading the third.
So some of you may be wondering what the heck I'm doing reading a book about Atheist and it's best arguments. Well, it's not actually my book, it's my best friend Rayne's, but the simple reason is because you can't take a fair view if you don't know both sides. So I've always done my best to read lots of books and articles and such that are against Christianity, so that I can make fair judgement. Anyhoo, today's topic is about what I've found in this book, In Defense of Atheism.
So first off, it's not exclusively against Christianity, it's arguing against the big monotheistic religions, so Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. I'm not nearly as well versed in the last two, so I've mostly been ignoring what he's said about them, especially seeing as how completely wrong he's been getting his ideas about Christianity. Although I'm assuming that he's talking about Catholicism when he speaks of Christianity, so he may be actually right about it. Again, I'm not very well versed in Catholicism. My main religious interests have always been Atheism and Jehovah's Witnesses. Anyways, I'm a few pages away from halfway through, so I feel I can say with due confidence that he has no intention of actually arguing anything. I mean arguing in the logical sense of putting forth premises to support an eventual conclusion. It seems that his only mode of attack is ridicule. He has a very sarcastic tone that kind of gets on my nerves, and all he seems to be doing is listing off everything that he could find that could potentially look dumb, and then makes fun of it. For those of you not knowledgeable in logic, this is not a legitimate strategy, and yet it's often used because it's so effective. But I can say, "Oh, Atheists think life just suddenly appeared out of nowhere, that's so stupid!". While I may be correct, I have no evidence to support my claim, so anyone reading or hearing it has absolutely no reason to think that it's correct, and in fact, in my opinion, should not think it correct.
But that's enough of that! One thing I should mention is that the author (Michel Onfray) is obviously pretty well researched, as evidenced by his mounds of events and ideas he ridicules. But of the things he talks about that I do actually know about, he seems to either have the details wrong or is talking about something that is really not Christianity. For example, he mentions that "the church" is incredibly biased against any scientific discoveries, and that when the human geonome was discovered and mapped out, the church was against it. "Avoid pain and suffering? Seek a human medicine? Absolutely not!" as he put it. But I know for a fact that the project to map the human geonome was run and indeed started by a Christian man. So either he's talking about the Catholic church, which he very well may be, or he is incredibly mistaken. There was a few more things that he had wrong, but I can't remember them at the moment. But the thing that has frustrated me the most was his insistence that all monotheistic religions cry out against anyone thinking and reasoning. I can prove him wrong right now simply by the fact that I am reading his book and trying to extrapolate and evaluate his logical points, and that this has always been encouraged in every church I know. We even have a name for it, apologetics. It's a point that he raises again and again and it just frustrates me. It almost seems like he has never actually been to a church and heard any of the things that he's so adamantly against. He seems to only know all the different stereotypes and myths about Christianity that are so common nowadays. So, I will finish the book, but I'm very afraid that the misinformation that he believes is becoming more and more commonly held that it won't be long until people don't even pretend that they're listening to anything a Christian would have to say. And the book is an international bestseller, so I'm not sure I'm wrong. I guess we'll just have to prove him wrong by being actual Christians, ie. the exact opposite of what he has portrayed us as. Oh boy...

Dream Sequence

Tonight's theme is Zombies! There was more, but I'll just start were I remember. Dad and the rest of the family and I are trying to find a place to hide out, and we come across this sort of play house. It's big enough that we could all squeeze inside, but Dad says we shouldn't stay there. I get kinda mad at him, but the reason he doesn't think this is because there is now a nice house right next to the playhouse. So we end up staying there for a few nights, and more stuff happens, but I can't remember them all. But then one morning we wake up to find that a horde of zombies are clawing at the fence surrounding the property, and they have some kind of equipment to try and break through the fence. It's at this point that we discover that Rayne (who has been with us for a while) has this row of pills (think of those individually wrapped fizzy candies) that give her different powers. So she eats one and gains the power of being able to send out a force from her fist as powerful as a cannon. So she sets to work on the zombies, and then one of us discovers an old WW2 artillery cannon, and we line that up. It works fantastic, but it finishes off the last of the hole the zombies are making, so we are forced to run. We all get split up, but Rayne and I make it to an old shed, where we find a pair of survivors. I don't really trust them, but I decide it's important that I get a bus from the road nearby for some reason, so I head off to do that. It's at this point I realize that there are still a ton of cars driving around the city, some with zombies, and some with people. But they're all dangerous, so I turn into a parking lot (very illegally) and park the bus. I start walking back to the shed, but I sense something is wrong, so I hide behind a couple of broken down trucks nearby. I see the two guys head out, armed with some pans, and they head towards the trucks to try and ambush me. I pull out a knife that I apparently had all along and get ready for them. As soon as the first one turns the corner of the truck, I hurl my knife at him. He nimbly sidesteps it, and throws his pan at me, which I in turn dodge. Luckily, both of our weapons are attached to our wrists with string, so we both flick our wrists and get our weapons back. I throw my knife again, but he deflects it with his pan. I complement him on his skill and he laughs and says, "That's what the girl said. At first you'd think fighting was all about Han (kind of like Chi, but from The Sword of Truth), but then it wouldn't be till later that you'd really fight." This makes me incredibly angry and worried, and I start spinning my knife on the string until it's just a blur of deadly. I lay into them and defeat both of them (oddly enough there isn't a drop of blood spilled) and rush to check on Rayne. I can't find her, so I take one of the super pills and it gives me the power to control the weight of things I touch, and I take the two guys to the top of the shed, which now that I think of it is more like a big garage, and threaten to drop them if they don't tell me where Rayne is. They plead for their lives, but I insist, and they finally point to a discarded corpse on the ground. I jump down to see if it's really Rayne, but before I can really tell, I wake up.

Same song. Don't panic.

And let's see if this works better! Oh boy!

Memories

This is a song that I created with my new Acid Pro 7! I like it pretty much, although I might redo some of the transitions later. Let me know what you think! Oh, it's called Memories for some reason.
https://www.box.com/s/qk01b7smipainbljt11q

Who am I?

I'm 90% sure I did something like this a while ago, but I've been learning a lot about myself recently, so I'm doing it again! Oh! I remember! I was putting down all sorts of things that I like about myself! Okay, well I'm going to be doing that, but more just looking objectively rather than just what I like. I've been sort of rediscovering myself and it's pretty darn exciting, and also incredibly frustrating and scary. Not scary as in fear, but scary in that I've discovered things that I don't like. But this will hopefully help me to better see and understand those things, which will help me out in the long run! Here we go.

First I am a thinker. I absolutely love thinking, wondering, contemplating, and mulling things over. However this has recently been brought so far to the forefront of myself that I've lost a part of me that I used to really treasure. Well, not lost, but I haven't used it in a very long time. Namely, that thing is my excellent observation. I've always loved observing people and how they react to situations, and I've used that to decide how I'd react to things and to better understand why people do the things they do. But increasingly lately I've been far more interested in abstract things. And the more time I've devoted to thinking about ideas and concepts, the less I've been able to observe people. I still can do it, I know because I was still able to recognize signs in Grace and my relationship, but I didn't devote as much energy into understanding it as I did with other things. So I guess what I need to work on is learning to balance the two. Realizing when it's time to watch and listen, and then when it's time to think and contemplate. Check.

I am incredibly passionate. In fact, I see more passion in me than I do in a lot of people. What I am most passionate for is the truth. I strive in all that I do to reveal some truth to every person I meet. This is why I'm so excited to become a teacher. Sharing with others the amazing discoveries that I've made is probably my very greatest joy. And something new that I've become passionate for is freedom. I've always seen this lack in myself and people around me, but it wasn't until just recently that I've realized what it was that I was looking at. It wasn't until recently that I've had a taste of freedom and I want to share it with absolutely everyone. My current quest to learn about forgiveness has been fueled by my passion for freedom. So yeah. I like that about me, and I hope that my strong passion continues to fuel my actions.

I am loyal to a fault. Once I've decided to connect to someone, I will stand by them come hell or high water. Unfortunately this has recently become a point of incredible pain for me. The loyalty of my heart has been at war with the logic and practicality of my mind. But even despite that I love this part of me. I feel like it is rare to find in the world someone who will remain faithful in all situations. I know full well that it isn't incredibly rare, as I do know a few people with this quality, but I am very glad to be able to count myself among them. If you are my friend, you are my friend forever. No getting out of it! Well, at least not if I can help it.

I am curious. This may seem a little boring and unremarkable, but it's a part of me that I treasure. My constant thirst for knowledge and understanding is a big part of why I relate with people so well. I genuinely want to know and understand people, so I always ask questions, which is a very attractive quality. My questions show my care I like to say. In fact, the best way to tell if I care about something is to see if I ask any questions about it. Apparently though, this can be overwhelming. But I've only had one person ever tell me that, so I'm not sure if that's necessarily true... Whatever. My curiosity fuels my knowledge, which fuels my passion for teaching, so it works out very well!

The last thing for today is something that I didn't actually realize until I was told by a whole bunch of people at once. It is that I am great at sharing joy. I think the reason I didn't really realize this is because when I'm not actively interacting with people I usually am thinking about more serious things. Again, I don't spend as much time analyzing interactions now as I used to, so when I'm investing in my thoughts it's usually about more somber matters, so I don't think much about the silliness that is so inherent in me. I remember that a while ago I said that my very favorite thing to do is to make people laugh. It's still true, and I still act in the same way, but I just haven't put my mind into it as much lately. So I guess I don't really need to work on this, cuz I'm so good at it without even realizing it, so I'm glad for that!

I have a few other things to add to the list, but I haven't had time to think on them yet, so I'll save them for another time. But I like what I have so far! So far they're all positive things, but I do have at least one specific thing that I need to work on. But that's for another time! Good night!

Dream Sequence (adding some clarity)

I had a dream tonight. I was the same person I am now, I didn't have any superpowers, and I didn't see the world through someone else's eyes. I was visiting Rosebud, though it looked a little different, and I went to see Grace. I had had a crush on her for a little while, but I knew she was already in a relationship. In one conversation we had she had told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend and she loved him very much. I thought I was better than her because I had a higher moral standard/ Before I headed back home I went to see Grace one last time. I have no idea why, but I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. She smiled from ear to ear when I said that and she came in close and just put a hand on my knee ( we were sitting together on a love seat type thing). But her eyes of joy suddenly turned into horror as she glanced behind me and saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend.I turn around but he's already left. I start to chase after him and make up a hundred different ways in my head to make it seem like it wasn't my fault, but then I stopped. It was my fault. I slowly started to make my way back to Grace's room. My mom was her roommate for some reason, and when I got there, she said she was so ashamed of me and turned her back. I again started thinking of a million different ways that I could make it seem like I was joking, or that she had misunderstood, but then I saw Grace and she was devastated  I felt ashamed, worthless, and absolutely, completely disgusting. Again I thought of ways that I could swing it so I was joking, or that she was taking it too hard, but once again I stopped. I thought, "am I Christian or not? What Should I do? It is my fault, how can I make it better?" And I was struck, because I knew that it wouldn't be better, but I knew what I had to do. I had to go in and say I'm sorry, not try to explain, unless I was asked, not to try to fix it, because I couldn't, but just had to say sorry. And then I was struck again, even more powerfully, with such incredible shame. I couldn't handle it. Luckily I didn't have to, because I woke up.

I am absolutely convinced that this dream was from God. The feelings I had in the dream were completely unmitigated, and completely real. He decided to show me what I assume is exactly how Grace felt when she betrayed me. But the thing is, I didn't even have anyone attack me for it in the dream. The closest I got was when my mom turned her back on me. I can't even imagine how devastated I made Grace feel when I selfishly and angrily struck back at her. I never even thought about it from her point of view. All I was focused on was me and my hurt, and I didn't even consider that she may be hurting exactly as much as I was, but in a way that she couldn't change. That all she could possibly do was say sorry, and I just blasted her down. I don't remember her actually saying that she was sorry, but I now see how incredibly difficult that might have been to do. And it was just something that she (and me in the dream) didn't even think about. Doesn't make it any less wrong, but it wasn't a planned betrayal. It was just a moment of weakness.

So Grace, I am so incredibly sorry, and I may ask you to read this so you'll have an idea of how much I mean it. And God, thank you for giving me this gift. I now can see exactly what my actions may have caused, and I now know how when you say that revenge is up to you, to leave it. I had my revenge before I even knew, and all the stabs I took back at her only made her pain even worse than mine. Because I was right, but really, I was so incredibly wrong. Thank you God. Don't every let me forget this lesson, and to look at any situation from the other's side. I never want to cause this much pain again. Amen.

‎I've learned that submitting to my husband isn't about who is smarter, who has the better idea or who is right. It's a conscious choice to use my power to equip and build up my husband as my hero. Sometimes that means expressing my opinion; other times it means biting my tongue. Every choice, every word, every response has the potential to build up or tear down. - Courtney Green

This is also me.

"I may be young for an old person, but I'm an old person nonetheless." - James Heaney from Gamefront

I feel like I made a post about this, but I'm too lazy to check

So I think I did this already, but I'm doing it again! You know when you're at a place in your life and you find that song and you're like, "yeah...." So I'm gonna post a song every once in a while to describe where I'm at. For the past month and a bit it's been this song. I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5oY2oYKHFY

Life Lessons Learned

Greetings dear blog! I've decided that I want to write down some of the things that I've learned and have been learning since Grace and my breakup. A lot of people have told me that it'll be a learning experience, and knowing my memory, I'd better actually write it down before I forget and the lesson is partly lost! I'll probably also put down random thoughts and feelings as well. I've been having lots of those lately.

The first thing that I've really learned is that God is the only one that you can really trust and count on. If you lean on another person either they will collapse because they can't handle it, or they'll let you drop. The only one you can count on to hold you up is God because he can and did handle absolutely anything. He will never betray you and let you drop.

I've learned that I enjoy hanging out with people a lot more than I thought. That the church is a place for healing as well as learning.
I've learned that people can just be plain old wrong, without an ulterior motive or a mistake in reasoning.
I've learned that just asking once isn't enough, you have to hunt to really find out what's going on. Actually, now that I think of it, that's complete crap. Asking is enough. If the person doesn't want to answer, that's their problem, not any failing of my own.

I've learned that living a good life is so much easier when you realize that you really can't do it.
I've learned that a good relationship is one that grants you freedom. A good relationship is where both sides can speak their minds and be completely unafraid of being belittled or unheard.
I've learned a good person is one who is willing to entertain the thought that they might actually be wrong.

I've learned that I am a good man. My confidence in myself has actually grown because I can look at what I've done and know that I did the very best I could. I stood true to my friends, my love, and my principals.
I've learned that I desperately want to love people. I fought against my anger and hurt because I treasure my friendships more than I ever knew. I've learned that I have a very odd ability to keep a relationship with someone without being with them. What I mean by that is that if I saw one of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time, it would be like we never were apart. I am apparently uniquely situated to deal with long distance relationships!

I've learned just how destructive my relationship was getting. Every time I was afraid that I had unknowingly added the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't do so many things that I really should have because I was afraid that it would be viewed the wrong way. Now that I'm free, I actually hang out with my friend a lot. Rayne and my relationship has grown a lot because I feel free to hang out and do things, just her and me. I've discovered that I spent way too much energy on my relationship that didn't help. I was always wondering what Grace was doing and wishing she could be here, and wondering if I was doing something she would think was wrong. I have so many useful things to focus on now! I've started getting serious about learning guitar, I've been working on my creativity with songwriting and board game designs, and most importantly I've actually spent time talking with God instead of always being preoccupied with thinking of Grace. That's not saying that thinking about Grace was bad at all, but I put so much energy and attention in that didn't help anyone or anything. Instead of never knowing what to do, I now get to decide it for myself. I have energy again, and I don't feel guilty about focusing on my friends.

The final thing that I've learned again is how incredibly blessed I am. I am blessed to have an absolutely wonderful family that is always there for me. I am blessed to have friends that encourage me and challenge me, and are always up for some fun! I'm blessed to be the man that I am. I can look at myself and, aside from getting thrown off cuz I never look in a mirror ("Is that what I look like???"), I am happy with what I see. I am blessed to have a wonderful church that has helped me to grow so much and has recognized my gifts and encouraged me in them.

And I really want to end on this note. I have been incredibly blessed to have had a wonderful relationship with a woman that I love very much. It got bad by the end, but I have learned so much and have been able to extend grace to the people who have wronged me. I may regret some of the things I did or said, but in the end I will never regret being in that relationship. Thank you Grace and thank you God for that!

The voices in my head

Like most people (I think) I have a lot of conversations in my head. I really enjoy doing this because it allows for me to actually be prepared if something like the conversation actually happens in real life. Because of this a lot of my head conversations are about apologetics and theology. So I've decided that every once in a while I'm going to actually put down a bit of the conversations I have, just for fun! This one has been sort of reoccurring lately, and it's more of a response to Christopher Hitchens who said that religion is so popular because humans have the natural want to be unfree.

"I'm afraid that for me I'd have to completely disagree. In fact I would say it's exactly the opposite. I am a Christian precisely because I wish to be free. I want to be free to be who I want to be, and I'm not. Cuz I want to be honest, but I lie. I want to be generous, but I'm selfish. I want to be loving, but I often get so frustrated that I can't. I want to be good. But I am not free to be good because some part of me fights against goodness. But I know a guy who is good. And so I am doing my best to follow him. You probably have people that you have tried to follow. People that you are inspired by and want to be more like. And that's not because you want to be stuck, it's because you want to be free. You and I want to have the freedom and the capacity to be who we want to be. You want to be an excellent scientist, and I want to be good. Christianity, for me, isn't about rules, it's about becoming free of what holds me back, and I will follow that crazy man Jesus until the day that I get there."

I just realized that aside from the situation with Grace and Carl, my life is fantastic right now. I have amazing and supportive friends, I'm studying something I love, I don't really want for any material thing, and I've been getting to have all sorts of fun things to do recently! It's kinda making me feel guilty for still having rough days.

Today I yelled at the top of my lungs till I couldn't breath anymore. It didn't make me feel any better though. Oh well!

Feelings of life

Today I feel ugly. I feel worthless, stupid, and unwanted. But mostly I feel lonely. I just want to be okay again. Is that so much to ask?

sorry about that. All better now.

FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOU!!!

For Grace

Another attempt at a video. Hopefully this one works better. This is pretty much just for Grace, and I'm all quiet and such, so it might just be completely intelligible. But here it is anyways! And like I said, I did this for Grace, so I'd encourage you to watch it Grace.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words... words can crush my soul.

Dear God,

Hey there. It's been a little while, sorry about that. But you know how I am. Always try to figure things out by myself first. But I have a prayer. I need your strength. I'm strong, but I know I'll never be strong enough. I pray that you would give me the strength, endurance, and courage to face the challenges that I'll be facing soon. I pray that you remind me that I am living for you now. I know that I'll hate it sometimes. I'm so stubborn, but it's all your own fault! God, grant me the grace to forgive anything, and the humbleness to realize that it's not just me. I pray that you would point out to me my own faults because I'm often so blind of myself that I miss what is so obvious. But mostly I pray for courage. For the courage to face any and all of the people that will shout at me that I'm wrong, that I'm a freak. I know that I'm often full of myself and won't even consider that I might be wrong. I pray that you will be the one who shows me what is right. God, I am so so scared of what you're going to do and what you are doing to me. I'm terrified that I'll lose my control over myself and my life. I'm scared of the overflowing passion. I like my safe, sturdy passion. I like my safe, sturdy self. But you have such great plans for me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. I pray that I can share those plans with the people around me. I do love a good plan! Thank you so much for the people you've put into my life. I sometimes forget about them, but they really are a blessing. I've seen so much lately how you've blessed me. You've blessed me with money in the nick of time, with a wonderful house (though a bit crowded with all the animals...), with people that I know will support me no matter what. With a family that loves me and would step out of their comfort zones to try to understand this crazy me. But most of all I thank you for the wonderful combination you've put in me of resilience and forgiveness. Much as I've tried, I can't hold a grudge. And I know that people will take advantage of that, but that's what the resilience and people and family is for right? And finally, thank you for Batman. He's awesome.

Dream sequence

Last night I had a pretty awesome dream. It started with me having an acting class at the UofL. The teacher and a student were doing the first scene and it was really awful, so I headed outside to the lobby. Rayne was there looking at some art hanging on the wall and there were two really pretty girls sitting on a bench in the middle of the room. I started chatting with them and eventually they asked me to grab something for them. I headed outside to get it but it was a complete downpour outside so I headed back in and everyone was now wearing a rain coat and was sopping wet. I talked to the two girls for a little longer and then the dream skipped ahead. I was outside in a city talking with a guy on the street and he either gave me something really important or told me where it was, I can't remember. Anyways, as soon as he left a giant truck with about a dozen guys in black suits in the back drives up and all the guys start shooting at me. Luckily at this point I remember that I can fly but unfortunately it isn't working so well, so it's more of a big jump with a bit of hanging in the air in the middle. So I take off jumping over fences and onto buildings and into trees trying to lose them, but nothing seems to be working. So I decide to head out into the fields to lose them. Turns out that it's the middle of winter outside of town so instead of fields of wheat, there's only a few feet of snow. First time I've ever disliked winter... Anyways, I made off to a stand of trees and after jumping around and keeping out of sight I eventually lose the truck. But then I realize that it is freezing cold outside and I'm only wearing a t-shirt and pants, so I slowly start making my way back to town since I can't find anything else to keep myself warm. (my flying ability to fly has become almost completely useless at this point) I can't make my way through the snow very easily, but then I realize that everything looks a lot like a video game that I was looking at in real life the other day, and the reality is too much and I wake up. All in all a very entertaining dream! Still wonder what that important thing was...

The Vow

As you may have gathered from the title, I just watched the movie The Vow. Let me just say that the amount of thinking this has caused me to do is exactly what makes me love and adore theatre more than anything! The basic plot of the movie is that a man and his wife get into a car accident and the girl (who's name I completely forget unsurprisingly) loses her memory of all of the time she has ever known her husband. So the movie is mostly him trying to get her to fall in love with him again. I really loved that it wasn't just all him being sappy and lovey dovey and it just all being okay. She doesn't remember him and he knows everything about her. And he can't just tell her because she's scared and doesn't know what her life is. He can't freak her out more and she can't love the guy that she's supposed to love. But he kept it up. He did absolutely everything he could think of and more to remind her why she loved him. He gave up everything that he had to try and win her back. He had to give up living with her, kissing her, saying he loves her. I can't even imagine what that would be like and I just saw it! There's a bit of a plot twist at the end, which I won't give away, but basically he knows something that she doesn't, and she finds out and asks him why he didn't tell her. And the reason is because he wanted her to be happy even more than he wanted her to love him back. He did give everything he had for her. And the most powerful part of the movie for me was when he recognized that he wasn't what she needed right then, and let her go. He loved her so much that he gave up her love for him just so she could be happy.
And now the thinking part! Watching pretty much any piece of theatre is cause for the question, "What would I do in that situation?" And the frustrating discovery that I would have given up long before him. That I want to be loved so bad that I would maybe destroy something else. The terrible discovery that I don't love as fiercely as this character. That I still don't really know what love is. That I still don't know how to love. And the realization that I am still so selfish. I've always known it, but I just keep ending up back at it. I'm so focused on myself all the time. Even when I Do something unselfish I still Think that I would have liked the other option. I very often just do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because I want to. Not even because I want to be good or do the right thing. I just do it. Why does that make sense and not make any sense? I guess what I've learned from this movie is that I have a lot to learn about love. And it is a reinforcement that love really does exist. I've seen it, and some day I'll figure out how to truly love. Here's to that day! Good night.

JSYK

Heyo! This is pretty much just to clear up last post. Last post, at least the part about God, was just me being frustrated and venting, not really my thoughts, but more my feelings at that moment. I know God does care, it's just frustrating when I have no idea what He's doing and I can't see it. And trying to get close to God has been precisely what I've been doing for the past few weeks, not to mention the last twenty years of my life, and again, it was more my frustration talking. I've really been trying, but it just doesn't seem to be working. And I have been trying to fix things on my own, and the reason is that I've been asking and asking for help since the fist time I couldn't make rent, and I have consistently had to ask dad for rent since then, and I'm probably going to have to again this month. So it's kind of the case that if I don't do something, dad will have to pay, and I really really don't want to be in that position or to put him in that position. Besides, I don't think that we're just supposed to lie back and wait for God to shower us with gifts. So, yeah, I have asked and been asking, but nothing has happened, and again I'm just left with the frustration. So I really do appreciate that you may be worried and frustrated with me, but I have already done and have been doing what you suggested, with no avail. So, (that's the third so in a row!) I guess I'll just see what happens from here. I did get that job at Save On Foods, and I am really grateful for it! It just doesn't start until the 24th, so the first paycheck will be way too late to make any difference for this month and rent and such. Sigh...

Yay Internet!

It's good to be back! I finally got all the internet and cable junk figured out! Which was a huge pain and, I say again, a Huge pain! First they screwed up the order, then the date for the appointment of the guy coming to set it up, then the order again, then when the guy came and set it up it didn't work and I had to spend another hour on the phone, but it's all working now! I celebrated by watching the Minecraft show and Zero Punctuation. It was awesome! But I still don't have a job... David got me to update his website with a bunch of new pages and junk, so I'll get a little income that way, but I still don't know what's gonna happen for the rest. I'd say I'll let God worry about it, but He doesn't seem to care much at the moment. Whatever. But one thing I'm super excited about is that I can access the internet reliably, so I can actually text Grace whenever I'm home! And maybe use Fring... It'll be good I think. I don't know if there's really much else to say right now. I have some other things that I'd like to write about, but I'm gonna save them for later. Apparently I'm gonna have some free time for a while. Blech...

Feel free to skip

Greetings everyone! This is just going to be a nonsense post because I want to write a post and I have for a while, but I haven't had something that I really wanted to write about. So I'm just gonna start and then finish later. Cuz that's how it usually goes. Hmm... I really miss Lizzy. I haven't seen her in a very long time and I just miss her. I think it's cuz we think so much alike. We were like brother and sister in college. I really miss that, but now it's distance and you know how much trouble I have with that... I really hate distance. It makes me miss out on my love languages and I can't use what I usually do to express my love. I think I usually express with words of affirmation, which I guess can work long distance, but it really isn't the same, and also gifts. I really like giving gifts. But again it's just not the same. Sometimes it sucks being an actor. It's so hard to communicate without being present. When you're talking to someone in the same room you can have long non-awkward pauses, you can take cues from facial expressions, you can communicate with more than just boring old words. Which is another thing that I've been frustrated with lately. I've been feeling lots of stuff, but I just haven't been able to figure out how to express it. Words are just so useless sometimes. They just aren't powerful enough. Maybe that's because we exaggerated so much that when something truly stunning or amazing or terrible happens, we've run out of the really strong words to describe it, so all we have left is adding lots of "really, really..."s. Lame. I still don't have a job. Which is frustrating, but David just dropped off my resume at Marble Slab and put in a good word for me, so I'm not too worried. Although I still need the money for rent on May 1st, so with the way things are looking I'm gonna have to ask dad for money again. I really want to sarcastically say "Thanks God" but I don't even know if I expected him to do anything. I dunno. Faith is really hard right now. Just not having any feeling to it and reading the Bible is getting really dry. I was thinking about getting baptized but I'm just not sure what the point is. I think Grace agrees with me on that. She didn't seem to care too much when I told her I was thinking about it. But she's dealing with something, I have no idea what, so I guess it might just be that. We've not been seeing eye to eye lately, and I'm wondering if her feeling whatever it is she's feeling is what's making it seem so bad. I'm not feeling it right now, but I was really angry (see, it's a really) at Grace. We were talking about politics of all things, and I mentioned that Wildrose is the only party that isn't specifically pro abortion. And then Grace just replied that that wasn't really all that important to her. It was really devastating actually. And that's not an exaggeration. I just felt so completely alone. I mean, every one of my friends here, with the single exception of Michelle who I barely ever see, is not a christian, and it just felt like I had lost my last bit of support. I mean, isn't that what being in a relationship is all about? Being there for each other, supporting each other? I guess I can't really get mad that she thinks something different than me, I mean it's bound to happen and it's not like she betrayed me or anything. No. You know what? It's not that she disagreed with me. We've disagreed before and dealt with it. It's that she didn't care about something that is so important. Especially now. I mean, she is the last person in the world that I would expect to have a secular worldview and she does! I mean, the Bible clearly teaches that murder is wrong and there isn't really all that much more to say! I mean, God directly saying something seems to be clear enough to me! And on that note, why are you so condoning, more than that, encouraging of homosexuality? Again, God very clearly, very directly says that it is a sin and that we aren't to encourage sin! If you disagree with God then why the hell would you call yourself a Christian? Isn't the very definition being a follower of Christ? A follower of God? You're not following him! You are saying something directly in opposition to him. That seems to me to be the very opposite of Christianity. I know that we discussed homosexuality before, and I completely forget what was said, so I think we'll have to do that again, and here's the thing. I really wish I didn't care about this as much as I do. I really wish that I could just let you be wrong, but I can't. God has given me a passion for the truth and when I know what the truth is I need for you to hear it and understand it and agree with it. And I know that I don't know everything, but I do know some things and I do know what I'm talking about now. And feel free to completely disregard everything I'm saying here, but if you do, know that you are disregarding a foundation of who I am. I'm sorry. Just a few notes on abortion before I move on to something unimportant and that doesn't make my stomach sick. I looked up the stats, and found that 42 million abortions are performed every year. That's 115,000 a week or about 16,000 every single day. The second world war was only able to claim 60 million lives in six years. That is terrible. But with abortions we've managed to have a genocide of 252 million babies in the same stretch of time. And it doesn't even phase people. That is truly terrifying. You mentioned that they weren't really even people, but then I would like to ask, what exactly are they? I can tell you that they definitely aren't pigs. They're not dogs, cats, or any other kind of animal. They're human. They're fetuses, then babies, then kids, then adults, then elders. It doesn't suddenly transform into a human being. It's not like it's something inside the womb and then suddenly at birth it instantly transforms into something else. Location, location, location is not the word. I can't see how you can't see. Now I'm done.
So, to get myself out of this bad mood I've gotten myself into, I want to talk about League of Legends. It's a game that I've been playing a lot now that classes are over and I have no job, and I love it. Which is good, because otherwise I think I would go nuts. Anyways it's an Action RTS game (that's Real Time Strategy) in which you and four other people team up together and duke it out against another team of either five other people or computer players. The goal of the game is to destroy the other team's nexus with each team having one on either side of the map. There are three paths connecting the two nexuses and each path is guarded by three towers for each side. The towers deal a ton of damage to the Champions (players) and so you need to destroy them with the help of your minions, little weak computer controlled guys that are really only good for a meat shield. The minions can't be commanded and they just blindly walk along their path until they come across an enemy and then they attack it. So what you have to do is destroy the enemy's minions so that you can follow your minions along to the enemy tower, where you can hammer away at it, while your minions take all the tower's attacks. Defeating minions also gives you gold, so it's a main part of playing the game. Each person playing chooses a Champion and each Champion has something that they specialize in. There are five main types of champions with I shall explain now. If you are still reading this you either really think I'm interesting, or are just as much of a game design freak as I am. Purple Monkey Dishwashers. Anyways, the five types are Tank, Carry, Support, Jungler, and Off-tank. Gotta poo. Be right back. Back! A Tank's job is to stay alive for a long time and keep the other's teams attention. As such, they have tons of health and armor, and they try to stay out in front of their team and be the first to charge in and cause some chaos. The Carry's job is to deal tons of damage. As such they focus on building up their attack and magic damage and not any defensive items. So the Tank protects them. But if they get caught alone by a few enemies, they'll die in a few seconds if they're not careful. The Support is the most interesting and hardest type of Champion, and as such is the one that I am most determined to perfect. Their job is to support the team in any way they can. So that means speeding up their team, slowing down the other team, being able to place wards so they can see when an enemy tries to sneak up on the Carry, and to build items that grant bonuses to their teammates. They usually aren't all that strong, but they are very important because they can tip the balance just a little in the charge and with a few well placed disables. Very tricky. The next is the Jungler! The Jungler is my second favorite, and their job is to be sneaky and do ganks (a quick kill with another teammate). They're called the Jungler because in between the three paths there is a jungle, and in the jungle there are neutral monsters and some of which grant bonuses when defeated. The Jungler usually runs around in there and, since he's already running around so much, helps out on any of the paths (aka lanes) that needs some help. The Jungler is usually quite fast and able to heal himself since he doesn't have any backup. He is the backup basically. And last is the Off-tank. The off-tank's job is to be in between the attack of the Carry and the health of the Tank. They basically make up for whatever the team is lacking in. They're the Jack-of-all-Trades. They're fun because they can deal some pretty good damage, but won't be completely screwed if caught out by themselves. Alrighty! Now that I've told you about the types of Champions, I'm going to tell you about the Champions that I usually play as. Since you usually don't get to chose your teammates, you have to be able to play more than one type of character. Otherwise you'll have a team made completely of Carries that will kill two enemies very very fast and then all die. So, I've been playing as Anivia, who is a Carry/Support, Ryze, who is  a Carry, Warwick, who is a Jungler/Off-tank, Janna and Soraka, who are both Support, and my current favorite, Singed, who is a Tank/Off-tank. As you can see, a few of the champions can play two different rolls, depending on what items you build and what skills you level up. Each champion has four skills and a passive ability. As the game goes on, your Champion will level up and you can increase the levels of your skills and spend the money made by defeating minions and Champions on items. And now I shall describe in detail each of the Champions I like to play! Isn't this just so much fun? I'm having fun!
First, Anivia. Anivia is a flying ice bird that I like to call Articuno! She is quite slow, but also really powerful. Her passive is that every four minutes, if she drops to zero health she can turn into an egg and resurrect if the egg isn't destroyed. Really handy early game, but late game the egg can be destroyed in a matter of seconds so not so useful. Her first ability is a skill shot, meaning it has to be manually aimed as opposed to just clicking on the enemy and hitting him, but it shoots a ball of ice that explodes and stuns anyone in the explosion. Really handy to slow someone down either to beat on them a bit, or allow an ally to catch up. Her second ability is to create a wall of ice that gets bigger the more it's leveled up. This lets her stop enemies from chasing her, block an enemy from running away, or suddenly divide an enemy team in half. It's really hard to time right though, so I'm still working on it. Her third ability is called Frostbite and it sends out an icicle that does a lot of damage and the damage is doubled if the enemy was hit by Anivia's first or last ability recently. Her last ability, called an Ultimate, is to create a small snowstorm that damages any enemy in it and slows them down a lot. So, Anivia has the potential to do some really damaging attacks, but her abilities also allow her to be an effective Support with her slow, stun, and wall. Hard to master, but fun to play!
Next is Ryze, a magician with a big scroll strapped to his back. Ryze is great because all he does is beat the snot out of one guy at a time. Really simple. His passive reduces his cooldowns whenever he uses an ability, which basically means that he can use his abilities all in a row really really fast. His first ability is just to throw a big ball of magic. It does lots of damage. That's all. His second ability traps an enemy in a magic cage for a few seconds and deals some damage. Good for keeping them there to hammer on. His third ability is to shoot out a ball of magic that bounces around a few times. It does barely any damage, but it lowers the enemy's resistances, so the rest of Ryze's abilities will do more damage. Ryze's ultimate is kinda useless, but sounds and looks cool. It makes any of his abilities do damage to anyone around the guy hit and heals Ryze for a little bit of health. It's only really useful for taking down a wave of minions or to create a bit of confusion in an enemy team. So Ryze is simple, easy, and pretty fun.
Next is Warwick, who was my favorite, but I haven't played him in a while. He is a werewolf. His passive heals him a tiny bit whenever he attacks anything, so it's pretty handy to a Jungler. His first ability does a pretty good amount of damage and heals him for a percent of the damage he did. His second ability lets him and any allies near him attack faster for a few seconds. Again, great for a Jungler cuz it lets him make full use of his passive without needing backup. His third ability gives him a movement bonus if he's near an enemy with less than half health. This makes him great at ganks because he and his teammate can get the enemy down to half in a few seconds with the element of surprise, and then Warwick suddenly is a lot faster and can chase the enemy down if he tries to run away. Warwick's ultimate lets him jump out at an enemy and suppress them for a few seconds (so they can't do anything at all) and damages the enemy and heals Warwick. Great to use and then chase with his third ability. So Warwick is a great Jungler and can also be used as an Off-tank if you add some armor because then the damage that he takes is little enough that he can heal it just by fighting back! It's kinda hard to figure out how to jungle well, but Warwick is really good at it and I really like him!
Next is Janna, who is a floating fairy looking lady. Janna is incredibly difficult to play and I'm still really bad at her, but I've seen her played well and she is really effective! Her passive makes everyone on her team just a tiny bit faster. Her fist ability is to make a tornado that can be charged up and then flung at enemies, throwing them up in the air and damaging them. It's a skill shot, so it won't always hit, but it can hit an entire team if aimed right.her second ability passively makes her move faster, and can be activated to slow down an enemy for a few seconds and deal a little damage. Her third ability is a magic shield that she can place on an ally that protect them from some damage and gives them bonus attack. Her ultimate creates a big windstorm that throws any enemies out of it, but heals any allies in it. So all of her abilities can help out her allies in some way, but you just have to figure out when the best time to use them is, and that is very hard to do! But hardly anyone plays Support, so I am going to figure out how to use her well!
Next up we have Soraka, who kind of looks like a unicorn that walks on it's hind legs. She is the simplest type of Support because she just heals pretty much. Her passive makes all nearby allies more resistant to magic damage. Her first ability drops a magic bolt on every enemy near her dealing a small amount of damage and reducing their magic resistance. Her second ability simply heals an ally close to her and gives him or her extra armor. Her third ability either makes an enemy unable to use abilities for a second, or gives an ally extra mana. And her ultimate heals everyone on her team no matter where they are. Really handy in a team fight! So ya, she's really simple and pretty fun to play! Although it's really annoying when the teammate she's with runs off and then yells at her for not healing them when they did something stupid.
And lastly, my very favorite Singed! He's a super skinny guy who has a giant bottle of poison strapped to his back. Singed's passive gives him extra health depending on how much his max mana is, so it makes him a bunch more Tanky. His first ability leaves a trail of poison behind him which damages anyone who steps into it for a few seconds. This makes Singed the perfect RUN AWAY!!! Champion because even if the enemy eventually can catch him, he'll be hurting them the entire time they're chasing after him! His second ability throws a puddle of glue that makes any enemy that steps in it super slow. His third ability is just priceless! It doesn't do very much damage, but it flings the enemy over his shoulder, allowing him to grab one enemy from the enemy team and throw him right in the middle of your team where he will die almost instantly. It's also great for grabbing an enemy that's trying to kill a wounded teammate and throwing them out of range. All it all it's a really funny and fun ability. And his ultimate is also super great! It's called Insanity Potion and it makes Singed faster, do more damage, have more health, have more mana, and basically become a super beast. It's fun to use this ability and watch the enemy cower in fear! Mwahaha!!! I love Singed because he just doesn't die easily and even if he does, he almost always can take an enemy with him! And it's really funny to grab the over confident guy and fling him back to be demolished by you and the rest of your team!
Anyways, it is now bedtime, so I am going to bed! If you actually read all that I am very impressed and maybe you should try it! It's free, and my favorite thing is that each game everyone starts at level one and has to work their way up. So you can potentially beat someone who's been playing for a long time on your very first try! Probably not, but maybe. Anyways, good night!

Life right now

I just want to be okay again. I feel like everything is slowly slipping through my fingers and out of my control. I can't find a job, Mobile Marketeer isn't working, I keep on having to ask people for money, I feel like I'm losing touch with Grace, I don't have the answers. I can't make things right. I just want to be okay again.

New label

I've added a new label to a bunch of my posts, which apparently I now have a hundred of, woot! It's simply called "worth reading". I've written a bunch of stuff on this blog, but I'm not sure how much is relevant or even interesting to people, so I'm adding this label so you, the reader, don't have to sift through a ton of crap just to get to something interesting. I hope you like it!

Another Quick Though Before Bed

Doesn't that title look really odd with all the capitalization?

You know what's really frustrating for me? Specifically about this blog. It's that even when I'm actually being truly honest and open, I don't feel like there's any use. I usually feel like there wasn't really any point in me ever writing it because nothing changes, and I still feel exactly the same, and sometimes I'm just an idiot. I guess I just really wish something would happen. That I was smart enough that my figurings would come up with something new. I so often feel like I'm just not smart enough to think of something new, that I just can't make the connections. I feel like I can't make that next leap to the whole point of what I was trying to get to. It makes me angry and I really hate it a lot. I hope it changes. I really do.

Quick thought

Just a quick thought before bed. I've been watching a lot of Lie to Me, a tv show about a scientist that studies body language to detect lies. It's really good. You should check it out. But there's this little reoccurring theme about how people never really change. And I was thinking about that and I think that, for the most part, I agree. But then I read David Rae's blog post, and he was talking about miracles. I think that God changing people may just be one of those miracles that everyone always asks of God. Maybe the miracles that Jesus said would surpass his own are the very ones that we Christians are especially gifted to see. At least more often than other people. Maybe God's greatest miracle is enabling us to change who we are. From broken, selfish people into little Christs. That is one crazy big miracle!

A Quote

"It's not who you are inside, but what you do, that defines you." - Rachel (Batman Begins)

Old man winter

Greetings reader base! (I always chuckle when I say something like that!) It is 2:30am and I am completely awake. I was super tired at nine and fell asleep a little before ten (sorry Grace!) and then woke up at about one and have been tossing and turning in bed. I think I'm sick, but I'm not sure. Anyways, I was thinking, as I usually do, and my thoughts drifted towards winter. Now, I don't know if you know this, but winter is my absolute favorite season, which most people find odd, and my girlfriend (it took me five tried to spell that right) really hates winter. So, in order that she may understand me a little better and maybe even share is some of my joy, I wish to address some of my favorite things about winter.

First up is the cold. Now I know for pretty much everyone that this is actually their main reason for disliking the winter, but I see things differently. It does help that I am hot blooded (not in the temper way, but in the temperature way, which I just discovered has the word temper in it. Hmm...) and therefor don't feel the cold as much, but another reason that I really enjoy the cold is that it's kind of a shock to the system. In the summer and in the warm indoors I feel lazy and dopey, and going outside forces my body and my mind to sit up and smell the coffee as it were. Now we all know how I love symbolism, so I also appreciate winter's wake up value in a metaphorical sense. Oftentimes I, as well as others, get really lazy in our lives. Going on without thought or or purpose, and generally being kinda useless. We often need, and in my case sometimes crave, a sudden break in the monotony. A sudden blast of cold air to wake us up. I try to live by the idea that challenges are good, and maybe the wakefulness inspired by the chill of winter allows me to face those challenges. So that, in a nutshell, is why I like the cold.

Secondly, I love the snow. At the beginning of this winter there was pretty much just one snowfall that left anything on the ground and almost all that snow was gone by Christmas. So pretty much as far as the eye could see it was just seas of dead brown grass and gnarly dark trees. This had a major impact on my mood, and so I spent a little time reflecting on it, and this is what I thought. Most people connect winter and death. The spring is the blooming, the summer is the living, and the fall is the beauty of old age (or something like that). I understand that, but I see winter, and especially the snow, in a different light. When I see the snow, I see possibility. I see a giant canvas spread across everything I can see. All of my little world. I can look at the snow on the ground and see the site of a grand castle, or a little cottage, or a snow fort. I can look at a snow capped tree and wonder if it will have apples or a tree-house or cool, intricate leaves. I guess the inner artist I have is just in wonder at all of the possibilities that are there. I appreciate that the summer is the realization of those possibilities and that potential, but to me, that's not the important part. This is the part when my actor side comes in. The discovery is the fun part. The wonder of uncovering a little bit of ground from the snow, of finding a new path to blaze through the trees, of discovering the brightness of Grace's purple coat. The end is great and the end of the show does eventually come, but I always feel like we could have done something different, something better. The snow to me is the possibility of something that we never even dreamed could have happened. Of a summer that we couldn't have even imagined. That is why I love snow.
There are two other things that I want to say about snow, so I will.
Snow also facilitates a few of my favorite activities, namely, skiing, snowboarding, tobogganing, and (in this case winter rather than snow) early evenings for playing games in the dark and cuddling. So there is that.
Also, I connect with the snow a lot. Here's the metaphorical part. I often feel like there are so many things that I have yet to uncover and learn, so many possibilities to realize. Winter, and how it sticks around here in Canada, gives me the opportunity to really dive in to that, the time to search for the meanings and knowledge without having to worry too much about what's off in the future. I know that one day I'll have a family and be a teacher and know more about what I'm talking about in apologetics, and it'll be wonderful. But I need the time to get there. I need the winter so that I actually have the time to plan and work on what I need to know and do and become before the spring comes and my labor comes to fruition.

Thirdly, and I think lastly for tonight, I just want to describe for you what one day in the life of me is like right now. It will probably come across a few of the ideas that I've already said, and maybe come across a few more.
I wake up. It's still a little too early to go to school, so I can just lie in my bed and relax for a bit. Maybe have some breakfast, but probably not. It's time to head out, so I put on my awesome sweater, put on my cool hot pink gloves, wrap my beautiful gray scarf around my neck, and put my wonderful monkey toque on. I step outside into the cold and let it wrap around me for a second before burying myself deeper into my clothes. I then check the wind to see if it'll bee to chilly on my poor fingers to ride my bike that day. I decide and either ride my bike or walk, but today, I walk. I start down the sidewalk and listen to the crunching beat that my shoes make on the snow. I change the beat and compose a new song in my head, sometimes with lyrics, sometimes just humming to myself. I enjoy my music as I walk the first two blocks to school. I then come to an intersection and I look at the different faces in the cars and trucks that pass by, wondering what they're thinking, what their lives are like. I cross the intersection and now I'm walking past an elementary school. I walk to school a later than that school starts, so all the kids are already in classes. I imagine my future. Some day I'll be a teacher, guiding my students in their growth, loving them, and giving them each the love and hunger for knowledge and understanding. I look at the snow in the schoolyard and think, "not yet, but someday." and continue on. I pass a strip mall and remember what I should have done last night with Mobile Marketeer and kick myself a little bit, and work some bits out in my head, and then come to the big intersection before the school. At this crosswalk there are usually a bunch of students waiting to cross and I take some time to observe them. Some just waiting, some shivering, some in huge coats, some in just a jacket. I also notice that 95% of students wear jeans even though they suck in the cold... We then all cross the street and as I walk across the parking lot, I look at all the different vehicles all parked neatly into their rows. I get to school and undo myself from my winter gear and get ready for class. The class is interesting and I learn stuff. After I'm done it's time to head home and sometimes it's getting dark at this point. The dark makes me contemplative, so as I make the journey back to my apartment I think about my day. What I've learned, what I've read in my plethora of books I'm reading, what people have said to me, what the different relationships I have are and how I can work on them. I usually think of calling Grace on my way home, but I usually forget my little earpiece and so I don't. (too cold on the hand) Once I get home I do some homework, play some video games, eat some food, maybe have a friend or two over, and then wait excitedly to see if Grace is up for a conversation tonight. Then it's computer for a few hours and then bed.

So there's more I could probably say about winter, but I'm going to leave it at that for now, being as it is an hour after I started and I think I should probably sleep sometime. So I guess in conclusion I'll just say, I do love old man winter, and I may be turning into him!