I had a dream tonight. I was the same person I am now, I didn't have any superpowers, and I didn't see the world through someone else's eyes. I was visiting Rosebud, though it looked a little different, and I went to see Grace. I had had a crush on her for a little while, but I knew she was already in a relationship. In one conversation we had she had told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend and she loved him very much. I thought I was better than her because I had a higher moral standard/ Before I headed back home I went to see Grace one last time. I have no idea why, but I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. She smiled from ear to ear when I said that and she came in close and just put a hand on my knee ( we were sitting together on a love seat type thing). But her eyes of joy suddenly turned into horror as she glanced behind me and saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend.I turn around but he's already left. I start to chase after him and make up a hundred different ways in my head to make it seem like it wasn't my fault, but then I stopped. It was my fault. I slowly started to make my way back to Grace's room. My mom was her roommate for some reason, and when I got there, she said she was so ashamed of me and turned her back. I again started thinking of a million different ways that I could make it seem like I was joking, or that she had misunderstood, but then I saw Grace and she was devastated I felt ashamed, worthless, and absolutely, completely disgusting. Again I thought of ways that I could swing it so I was joking, or that she was taking it too hard, but once again I stopped. I thought, "am I Christian or not? What Should I do? It is my fault, how can I make it better?" And I was struck, because I knew that it wouldn't be better, but I knew what I had to do. I had to go in and say I'm sorry, not try to explain, unless I was asked, not to try to fix it, because I couldn't, but just had to say sorry. And then I was struck again, even more powerfully, with such incredible shame. I couldn't handle it. Luckily I didn't have to, because I woke up.
I am absolutely convinced that this dream was from God. The feelings I had in the dream were completely unmitigated, and completely real. He decided to show me what I assume is exactly how Grace felt when she betrayed me. But the thing is, I didn't even have anyone attack me for it in the dream. The closest I got was when my mom turned her back on me. I can't even imagine how devastated I made Grace feel when I selfishly and angrily struck back at her. I never even thought about it from her point of view. All I was focused on was me and my hurt, and I didn't even consider that she may be hurting exactly as much as I was, but in a way that she couldn't change. That all she could possibly do was say sorry, and I just blasted her down. I don't remember her actually saying that she was sorry, but I now see how incredibly difficult that might have been to do. And it was just something that she (and me in the dream) didn't even think about. Doesn't make it any less wrong, but it wasn't a planned betrayal. It was just a moment of weakness.
So Grace, I am so incredibly sorry, and I may ask you to read this so you'll have an idea of how much I mean it. And God, thank you for giving me this gift. I now can see exactly what my actions may have caused, and I now know how when you say that revenge is up to you, to leave it. I had my revenge before I even knew, and all the stabs I took back at her only made her pain even worse than mine. Because I was right, but really, I was so incredibly wrong. Thank you God. Don't every let me forget this lesson, and to look at any situation from the other's side. I never want to cause this much pain again. Amen.
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