Well, just so I actually write something for Jan here's a thought flow

All righty, this is going to be interesting. Typing is so much faster, I'm thinking and I can erase sweet! da da da da not dad it's da. I can't remember what this song is something about memories that's it, I guess this is harder, if just because I don't know. Can't think... Just that... hard to not read it because of spelling and erasing and junk. I guess that's another reason for writing instead of typing I really hated doing that, oh aaron, I don't know. That really sucks, and I don't really know how much is true. But I'm a bad judge. I suck at this. I keep not saying what I'm thinking. But it's faster!!! JOYYY!!! Peace patience and so on. I don't really care right now. so annoying. but acting is next and i can't do it and arrrrgggghh! lame. I just wish I would just care about something so I could do it and it'd be good and Id care and crap.. CRAP! Frig, I don't want to do this anymeor. I goe milk, so that's good. tasty. cereal. wooooooooooo annoying song. I'm trying to be nice. Oh Juli, you're not nice. I like it but I don't know, you scare me and make me mad and it's just annoying sometimes. I'm scared in acting rehersal and all that. This is still too slow. I need ablagjs. Yup/ shaker. this is the relax music I miss it. David. I stil don't know. I
'm just jealous. and he's gay. That's hard. I don't know what to do. It's just i can't do it. it's tooo hard to figure it out and I don't want to i don't know go there. or something. I just want to hit something. I never let out my anger. I don't know if I got better, Juli and aaron said I never do but I dtill don't know if I do. It's past midnight. crap! so unmotivated. God. It's just so frustrating that I can't do it. I can't get it right. and it doesn't even matter. For me. I want it 's so hard t oo care I just don't someone needs to smack me. I don't want to do this life. It's not worth it. not suicide. that's a coward.howard. Like in acting improv. it's good. I kinda like it but I don't know. It's just annoying and Peter. I don't think this is getting anywhere. I guess I do need a guiding hand. At least I haven't looked much but I didn't figure anything out. but I never do it's all just lame and I don't get it and I always ssay that because that's what I always feel and i hate spelling and I think too fast for this. I think I thought slower when I was writing because I wasn't moving as fast. that's it done. crap

Love of the inner nature

Why, greetings my dear friends! It has been such a long time since I've written on this stupid thing, but at least I've still managed to keep it to at least one a month. Anywho, last night was our first rehearsal for Funeral Parlor so it was just Juliann and I. It was a very good rehearsal and we got a lot accomplished, one thing of which was an understanding of why the man in the casket (Philip) was special to each of us. (And let me just add that Juli is an amazing actor, every time she impresses me! It ridiculous!) So what we did was we lay down and closed our eyes and imagined the answers to a bunch of questions that our director asked us. After that we discussed it a little Juli said something that really stuck with me. She said "I took a bunch of things that I love in myself and put them into him". Now I know that I always over think things but that made me pause and now I'm going to attempt to figure this out. It made me consider that I wouldn't ever think to do something like that. When wondering why I started to wonder what the things are that I love about myself. So I'm going to start a little list to see what I can come up with.
Well, it seems that I haven't been able to think of anything since last month because that's when I started writing this. I guess I don't like me much. But I did think of one thing! I enjoy my sense of humor. It's kind of annoying because not very many people understand it but I find a lot of things to be humorous so I always have some opportunity to laugh.
I like my incredible stubbornness. It very rarely actually shows because I hardly ever comit to something fully but once I get something stuck in my head absolutely nothing will stop me. I do have a strong will I just don't use it much. Maybe I should use it more often...

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!! You know what's frustrating? Not knowing. What's that mean? Say someone says "oh, there's no meaning to life, it's all just pointless and everything we do has no significance", what do you say to that? It's not like you can just prove God. I mean, it's really obvious, but there is no absolutely direct proof. And if people don't want to see it, then they won't. They'll invent any possible way to avoid the truth.
Sometimes I wonder if I do that. If I'm stubborn and refuse to really look at things. I know that I try my best to be objective, but I don't know if I really do it. I mean, I have the "christian lens" so I see things as a Christian no matter what, but is that the only way I see things? Is that just the default position and I don't really have a reason for seeing things like that? I'm not sure all the time. But it's still annoying!