Is this the last hurrah?

Good day good sir, madam, or whomever ye may be. Apparently I'm in a strange mood... As always, it's been a wonderful Christmas season again, although I didn't get to see all of the cousins.. Next time Sean! Also Rob. Didn't see him. But I'm sure you don't care much about that now do you? No, you're here to hear my witty and intelligent thoughts on society, religion, life, and so on. Right?

The more I learn the more I find that I don't know enough. Every time I discover some interesting tidbit, I find that there's a new challenge that I'm not even close to being ready to face. What do I mean? Well, in case you didn't know, I've been heavily involved with things at my church, UDAC. I've actually been doing sermons, which I promise to post soon, for the young adults at least once a month. On top of that I also run games nights, a walking with God study, and GM for a pathfinder group. This coming semester I want to also start a men's ministry focusing on mentorship, as well as starting anew my apologetics bible study hybrid. Getting off topic, but I'll talk about those later. Because of my involvement, I've been more aware of other people's ideas and have been working to engage more with them, especially at school. This has been, to say the least, quite the challenge. There's been questions on the Trinity, on Jesus' divinity, on the nephalim, evolution, all sorts of stuff that I used to know, but have forgotten so much of. It feels like every step I take forward, my mind slips back two.. And with the sermons, every time I speak I learn something new. That's a good thing, but I feel like I can never get every important thing out in the one sermon. Like every tidbit needs to be explored and understood. That's really frustrating! As I don't have the time to either speak about it, or to study everything to my satisfaction. I guess that's just the curious/teacher side of me and my insatiable thirst for knowledge. I really wish it actually worked to improve your memory. Cuz I've tried. Man have I tried... Yeah, there's some stories there. Some pain. Though I guess there's some pain if you go anywhere. If that's what you look for. Maybe that's my trouble.

I'm gonna be honest with you. This semester has been just bad... There isn't the right word. Horrible? Terrible? Disastrous? Bad is the most general, yet negative word I can think of at the moment. Rough. It's been rough. I had two friends walk away from the church, a friend attempt suicide, a friend decide she didn't want to talk to me anymore.. I felt abandoned at church, I felt inadequate to speak, to get a job, to do well in school. At church my four closest friends all left for different reasons. I guess one didn't leave, but things just haven't been the same for some unfathomable reason. I just felt so crushed. Always tired. I spent so many days wondering if it would matter if I were here. Not in a suicidal way mind you, I just felt defeated. Unworthy. Useless. Abandoned. I find it amazing that I can say now that I'm stronger for it. It's been tough, and I'm still not past everything, but I do feel stronger. I had a good friend of mine as for advice, and I was actually able to help him out. That's something I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know... I guess I just feel like myself again to a point. But I almost fell back into what I was before. Before I knew God. That emptiness. I'm so grateful that He decided to still talk with me! To teach me the things I needed to hear in my own sermons. To send those unexpected people to remind you that you're not nothing. That really is the fight that I have over and over. The struggle against nothingness. I'm scared that I'll never kick it. That I'll always be haunted by it. That I'll always be afraid. But that's what's driving me on to try and get back to God over and over! That's why I'm genuinely wanting to get involved. To make a difference. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I honestly don't have the words to express how hard this semester has been. I can't tell you how hard it is to fight against the weariness. Please pray.

But, (ah that ever interesting word) I have my plans for the coming year. Let me tell you about them and why I want to do them! I'll go over them in the same order that I wrote them up above.

Sermons! I'm still going to be doing them, and I think it quite obvious why this is important. Without learning, without that growth, I don't actually think it possible to be a Christian. And let me tell you, teaching teacher more than being taught! I think that every person should teach something, which is one thing that I want to get into in my apologetics hybrid, but we'll get to that. Anyways, I absolutely love speaking, and most people say they enjoy them and get something from them, so I guess I'm doing a decent job. Always room for improvement though! I'll be getting Pastor Scott to help me out with that!

Games night! Not one you'd normally think of as being important to the Christian walk which, if you haven't noticed, is something I've been especially focused on, and will continue to be. I keep learning that God has good things to say on almost literally everything, so I've been looking for opportunities to put what I learn into practice! Games night, right. This is to promote the combining of the different age groups. So many churches that I have been to have such distinct lines between the kids, the youth, the young adults, the 'regular' adults (still haven't thought of a good title for that), and the seniors. The church is supposed to be a family. More than that, a single organism, one body. How can we be that if we keep splitting off? At games night I ask everyone to attend (and to bring any friends, so we've had a few non-Christians come, which is exciting) and we've had some success with that. Had a couple seniors, two adults, a ton of young adults, and six kids/youth (have I mentioned I'm terrible at guessing ages?) come, and I'm hoping it'll keep expanding this next semester. Lord knows I can support a ton with my giant collection of games!

Walking With God Study! This is something Rayne and I have been doing together. We just started the week before finals, so I'm not worried that it was just us for the first two weeks! But anyways, Rayne is dyslexic, and finds it hard to connect with God through reading the Bible all the time. I can relate, and so can a bunch of other people! Which is why we started this. It's learning different ways to get to know God, specifically focusing on His creation! So we'll be doing things such as nature walks and... I honestly have no idea. It'll be an adventure that's for sure! This is a brand new way of thinking for me, and I'm excited to see where it leads!

GMing a Pathfinder Game! Again, not something you'd think would be important to a Christian life. This one is a little more personal. I have a friend who comes who isn't a Christian, and he loves to talk about religion, and to be honest is more informed on a lot than me. Before we start we always end up talking for a half hour or so, and quite often have really good talks about Christianity. He's great source for challenges, and I hope that I and the others in the group can challenge him. The group also has a few of my friends that have a hard time fitting into the 'normal' crowd, so I'm really glad that I am able to create a place for them to be comfortable and have fun in!

Men's Ministry! Again, I've noticed at a lot of churches the extent of the men's ministry is to have a breakfast once a month. That's it. I feel that that is a huge wasted opportunity and I'm planning on finding some like minded men to fix that! I already have at least one on board. Basically this is both because I want to build that interconnectedness that we're supposed to have as Christians, but there's also a very personal reason I want to have a mentor around. Over the summer, and with talking to Luke, I've found that pornography is a huge problem for, unfortunately, the vast majority of young adult men. I always kind of knew that, but it never really clicked until this semester. So the first thing that I want to address is porn. How to fight it, how to help others, and what it really does to us. I've learned so much from my sermons on the incredible importance and value of both sex and marriage, and porn is so destructive of that. I know because I struggle with it daily. I know that I need backup because I fail so hard and so often, and I want to make an opportunity for others like me to learn from people who understand and have gone through it. I know that porn is also an issue for girls (surprise!), but I'm not sure I'm ready to do things with that yet. Although it's just as destructive... So yeah! Fight against porn and connect through the ages. Alright!

Finally is the Apologetics Bible Study Hybrid! This is basically just restarting the study that I did last year. Over the summer Justine took it over and it moved away from the apologetics and more towards the Bible study. That's definitely good, but it's not what I feel I'm called to. So I want to start again with the study the way that I did it. Although I know that there are a few other guys that want to get in on it, as well as a good friend from another church! So I'm hoping what will happen is that we can combine to have a place for both our churches to come to get equipped against all the modern challenges! Lord knows I need the practice... I also want to run it differently in that I don't want to be doing all of the leading. I've learned that a good way to split is having a leader to keep the study on track and bring the material, someone to engage the group and make sure everyone is included and heard (I can't remember the name of this job), and the host, who prepares the study area. I was doing all of those things when I was leading, and it was really too much. So I think I'll try to do it more in this split way this time. Oh! And apologetics is important because people are lazy. We Christians in North America just don't think much! We don't learn the most basic of things, and then get wholly disillusioned when someone comes in with the most stupid of challenge, and we don't have an answer. I get so frustrated with our laziness (and yes, I'm in there too), and I want this study to be where we can go to actually learn the things that we should know. A place where any sincere question is a good question. I want to equip people to face the challenges. Because honestly, there are really not that many hard ones. We've just become fat. Oh man, I have a lot more to say on that, but I think I'm done for tonight!

I hope that you've had a fantastic Christmas season, and I hope that God blesses you in the coming year! See you on the other side.

Start of a thought

Christianity supported by science, morality, and history, but not culture. So why and how have we come to the point where we're viewed as immoral, anti science, and trying to rewrite history books, but are so consumed with being culturally relevant? What went wrong and what needs to change?

Doom Bots are attacking my mind

Well, today is the day we head off to the young adults retreat at Crowsnest Pass. I am looking forward to it as it is always a good time, but I'm also apprehensive. You see, I'm talking about our identity as people of great worth. As you may know, this has been one of my greatest struggles throughout my life, and it's been rather tough working through the sermon. And I'm also nervous to share it with everyone. And I realized that this is because I don't have any good friends at REACH anymore. Josh can't come because of stupid rumors, Tony isn't coming because he doesn't feel like he fits in at UDAC anymore, Rayne has a baby and Dramanutz, and I still don't know what's going on with Chelsea. Rather than being refreshing, REACH has become quite draining to me. So much so that I've actually avoided going a few times recently without knowing why. I've started doing the very thing that drives me the most crazy about people who say they're Christians.. How can you be a Christian and not go to church when God demands it? As pastor Scott likes to say, "there is no plan B." As Christians we must go to church. I've actually had a few friends tell me that they've decided not to go to church anymore but still consider themselves Christian, and I am planing on writing a whole post on that, but now I also have to do it for me... Well, at least at the retreat I get to see my old college buddy Forrest Saturday evening. That'll be good!

A New Dawn

It's finally the end of the summer and just about time to start school again. Only two more days! Well, one, it is Tuesday right now I guess. I'm really excited to see what God has in store for this coming year. I know that things are going to be really challenging because I'm putting myself out in new ways. I want to live for God rather than just say I do. This summer has been an extremely long and painful time (every year I like summer less and less), but I have learned a lot. I've learned to love for real. I've learned the importance of community. I've learned the importance of friendship. I've learned a Ton about God. And I've changed my perspective a bit. I'm not so worried about people not liking what I have to say anymore. We're supposed to be counterculteral as Christians, so I've decided to not worry so much that people won't agree with what I say. I know I won't always be right, but I've learned a lot and God has made me a teacher. If I don't use that I'm simply wasting an amazing opportunity He's given me. So yeah, I'll probably say things to you that'll challenge you, make you uncomfortable, maybe even mad. But try to take it to heart. And it's okay to not like what I say, because now, for me, it's not about you. It's about God. I only worry about what He's got to say!

True love

There's probably going to be a number of posts on this theme soon, as it's really been what God's been teaching me about this summer. Now I'm no expert yet, but I've learned quite a lot, so don't dismiss my thoughts right away! But this is just something inspired by a song I was listening to. Call it a poem or a song in progress.



If love has taught me anything, it's taught me what I'm worth.
First it taught me that I am worth less than a compliment, and less than a man who can do it right.
Second it taught me that I am worth less than a conversation, less than a man with muscles.
Third it taught me that I am worth less than a message, less than the effort to engage.
Fourth it taught me that I am worth less than honesty, less than the beliefs of birth.
Fifth it taught me that I am worth less than friendship, less than loyalty.
Sixth it taught me that I am worth less than a change of life.
So if love has taught me anything, it's that I'm worthless.

But.
How soon we forget.
Love says I am worth fighting for.
Love says I am worth striving for.
Love says I am worth pain.
Love says I am worth death.
Love says that I am worth the very life of God.
There is nothing so great as Love, for if Love has taught me anything, it's that
I
am worth
Everything.

Who I am inside

I haven't updated in months! OH NO!

So I've been thinking a lot lately, as I am wont to do, and it's been about my view on questions and why it is that I use and sometimes abuse them. It was a conversation I had with Chelsea that brought this about and she had the mistaken idea that my questioning her was me doubting that she was correct, and demanding proof. This caught me quite off guard as this is entirely off base, at least for me. That wasn't what I meant to communicate at all with my questions! But then I started to wonder exactly what it is that I Do mean to communicate.

We'll start with a story. Back in Junior High (that's more than a decade ago... yikes!) I didn't really have any friends and was pretty downright crappy at interacting with people. So I asked my youth pastor, Evan, what I could do to have good and meaningful conversations with people. His advise, questions! He taught me that asking questions was a really good way to show your interest in someone, and to find out all the interesting things about them! In case you didn't know, I find people fascinating! A few months later Evan told me that he could tell that I really cared about people, both because I was doing what he suggested, but mostly just because I asked him what to do in the first place. He said that that showed him that I really wanted to build strong relationships and that I wasn't much for the mundane.

Cool. So point of story, questions became a way that I unconsciously show that I care about people. The more questions I ask of people the more I care. So if I try to find out every little detail about you and all the things you know, just know it's cuz I love you!

But growing up and finding my calling as a teacher has developed my view on questions even more. Firstly, I try to use Jesus' example in teaching by questions because it both forces the other person to think, and it also draws them to the conclusions themselves, resulting in a firmer understanding of the subject. So I use questions in that way, but that doesn't really explain how I think of them.
I think that questions, from me anyway, show respect. My questions show that I actually believe you know what you're talking about and that I want to know all about it! If you just mention an article or I know you don't actually know what you're talking about, I usually will say, "huh, interesting." or something of the sort, and go on not bothering to immerse myself in it any more. But a question draws me in. I express my curiosity in trying to understand what you think in all it's intricacies, and I also demonstrate my respect and trust in that you actually do know what you mention.
A question creates an intimate connection of a teacher and a learner, and I am very comfortable in both those roles. I want to invest.

So, what does a question from me mean for you? It means that I care about you and want to understand you. It means that I respect your knowledge and thoughts and that I want to explore with you. It means that I want to go deeper with you, not muddling around on the surface, but diving into the conversation.

Really, if I ask you a question, it's because I love you.

Good Easter all!

Hello everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of a man I want to be. And a lot about what kind of a man I am. I realize this is kind of part of the series I was doing about evaluating myself, so... I'm not sure what my point was there. So in case you didn't know, and you probably didn't, I'm dating this wonderful woman named Chelsea. We've been going out for about a month now, and it's been quite the experience so far! You know that I get serious really fast, so this has prompted me to really think about marriage and if that is a possible reality for me right now. One of the biggest things about Chelsea that makes me go all gooey eyed is that she is a strong and passionate Christian, and that she Always encourages me in my faith and in my ministries. (Don't worry, I'll talk a lot more about her in a later post.) This has been a tremendous encouragement to me, and has prompted me to think about who it is that I'm supposed to be, that God really wants me to be, and what I need to do to get there.

Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...

It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.

I'd like to end in a prayer:

God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.

Amen

Tired of ticking

Greetings my dear friends and colleagues! It being fifty minutes till April makes me a little stressed, as I've decided to write every single month, but the topics I wish to talk about are quite in depth and would be quite time consuming. And as you know, I hate writing, so that makes it even less appealing to me...
But I want to share something that's been on my heart for a while now, and that I'm going to be writing a sermon on. Apparently that's just something I do now.. But I love it! Sermons are lesson plans on things that I really care about!
Anyways, over the last few months I've been talking with many people who are dealing with feeling unworthy of God's love. Feeling that the past is too bad, or that it's impossible to get away from their old demons. And I just keep running different things that I want to say so badly, but I don't have all the words yet. It makes me think of a video that I may have put up here, but I'll put it up again. It's by Mattie Montgomery, the singer for one of Luke and Brianna's favorite bands For Today. In it he shares a vision that he had about how he saw Jesus and asked him if it hurt when he got the scars in his hands, and Jesus simply saying, "It was worth it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogKnrBrrJSM

It's really powerful, and this one video has spoken into my life so many times. How the God who made the universe, the stars, the waters, the birds, the snow... For Him to really love us so much that he gave Everything. While we were still sinners he did this. We did nothing to deserve it, and we can do nothing to deserve it, but I often get hung up on thinking about that when that isn't the point!
The point is that he LOVES us! That there is NOTHING! NOTHING!! That can take that away! Neither death or life, angels or demons, the past or the future, heights nor depths, NOTHING! He loves us so passionately, so fully, so unrelentingly, that it is literally impossible to change it.
You've screwed up? Doesn't matter. You've hurt him? Doesn't matter. I don't know what you've done? What secrets you hide? IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! God loves us so incredibly, that the ONLY thing he wants in return is for us to love him back. That's not to trivialize our part. Love isn't easy after all!
While it may be true that we don't deserve God's love, there is hidden in there a lie from the devil. Because we may not deserve it, but it IS OURS. God loves you. Deal with it.

To God, with love

Dear God,
Thank you so much for my amazing friends! I always seem to forget just how awesome the people you've put in my path and my life are! I'm so blessed with the encouragement and love that I've been constantly given by literally everyone I know. I find it so hard to believe that I miss that! God, I'm so grateful to you. I have no idea what I'd be if it weren't for the awesome people you've given me. I pray that you will remind me over and over how much I love those people, and to tell them and show them that fact. And God, I want to thank you for letting me be a blessing to my friends too. You know I once asked that you'd let me be an influence on someone's life so that I'd be able to see the difference, and you gave me that, and you just let me glimpse it again! Thank you that I can be a blessing to people that I don't even realize. I pray that you'd help me to be more mindful of how I treat people. Thank you that you've given me the gift of joy. Even when I don't feel it you let me spread it. What a gift! God, even though I don't think much of myself, I thank you that you do. Thank you for caring even when I don't. For not giving up even when I do. For being there even when I don't want you to be. I suck at feelings but you even let me feel you sometimes. Just a glimpse, but it's enough. I pray that you would remind me of that. I don't want to miss out on you!
Thank you God.
Amen

Another year, another dollar

Good day friends! Family! Stalkers?...
I'm 24 now. In case you didn't know my birthday was on the tenth. Nothing happened, and I don't feel any different, which is good, cuz I already felt really old a lot of the time. Which is weird. I mean, 24... It's not really that old! Given North America's life expectancy I'm only a third of the way through life! But whatever, that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

The reason I started this blog way back however long ago that was, was to open up. Get to know myself and let you get to know me. Cuz I'm not a really open person. That's not quite right, I'm not a sharing person more like. I'll tell you pretty much anything you'd care to ask, but I rarely, if ever, volunteer my self. But looking back on the things I've written on here, though everything I wrote was true, it's not necessarily true still. Or now. It almost feels like I'm bi-polar or something, and considering that I never go to the doctor, it may be something like that! I just don't always feel the same way about things, I don't always have the same outlook.
I swing between being content, and being miserable. Very rarely am I truly happy. I could probably count the times on one hand... Well, maybe two. And I don't mean I'm never happy, cuz that isn't true, just that I always feel, I dunno, guilty? Like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy? Ah, whatever, that isn't important. And again, it's not what I wanted to talk about.

What I wanted to talk about I mostly forget, except for this one thing. In psychology class the professor told the class that if he were to hand out a test asking how you ranked yourself on different things, such as intelligence, humor, looks, that every person would rate themselves as, in total, above average. Especially in the areas that they really cared about. He said that this thinking was so strong that even now that he'd told us, it would still happen. That this was shown to be true in trial after trial.
I thought that was really interesting, but then he shared the kicker. "It's people with depression who have the most accurate view of self."
That was two years ago.
Cuz here's the thing, the things I value are intelligence, passion, love, and godliness. What I rate myself is below average, average, crap, and complete crap. That's not what a regular person should think. So something that's not exactly haunted me, but has been in the back of my mind is, am I depressed?
I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad, not very often. So what am I?
I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am. I love analysis, and I've found myself to be a ready specimen to examine. So am I just the exception that proves the rule? Am I the 'normal' person that has an accurate view of self, or am I depressed? Or do I have a deflated view of self, in which case, what the heck? I know I'm smart, but I struggle to answer hard questions on my own. I know I'm passionate, but I see so much greater and more vibrant passions in my friends, whether they be artists, Christians, or just passionate for life. I know I have a pretty good understanding of love, but I have such a terrible time putting it into action. I know what a person of God looks like, and I'm not one. I struggle to pray, I rarely read my bible, I don't even understand why I do the right thing sometimes, and heck, half the time I don't even want to be a Christian.
No conclusions drawn from that, just something that I've been thinking about.

There's another thing though. As I said, not all of what I've written over the past years applies all the time. Even my last post. I can honestly say that it is true most of the time. I get too self absorbed and put up my shield so I don't have to feel all the heartache. Because I really am passionate about people. But even this week I've been a little different. There's this girl I know from way back when, you may have heard of her, her name is Grace. And even though she's far away, and we're not so close anymore, my heart has gone out for her this week. She hasn't really confided in me about anything, but I know her, and I know that she's struggling. Not all the time, because she is strong, but even the best fall down sometimes. I ache for her. I would do almost anything to help her. But I can do nothing. I care about her so much that I actually prayed for her without prompting. Me praying. Crazy right? But it hurts. Because that's not my fight anymore. It's not my place anymore. I squandered that.

Which brings me to my final topic. Relationships. Despite my promise to myself, I fell in love again. I guess I'm just a narcissistic. Her name is Jess. She's beautiful, cute, short, funny, an artist, giggly, touchy, and has just the cutest nose! (Boy, I sure know my type don't I...) But luckily, she's much more godly than I, and she felt that God said it wasn't the right time. Now of course this created two different feelings in me. One being disappointment and frustration, and the other being relief. A very tiny bit of relief, but relief none the less. Because I've been thinking about relationships and me for, well, quite an inordinate amount of time recently, and throughout the last several years of my life actually. Anyways, something that occurred to me was, you know how in all those stupid tv dramas there's the guy who always sabotages himself? I think that in the stupid life drama, that's me. I always feel so lonely, but when I'm in a relationship I feel like I'm not supposed to me. I mean, I know I'm a "great guy". I'm sweet, caring, doting, loyal and all those other things. And I really am. I don't just play at that. But I think I may subconsciously sabotage myself. I feel like I'm not worth the time, and then I prove it. I become not worth the time. As you very well know from how often this comes up, I struggle a lot with self worth. I mean, you can't really blame me, I've been treated as worthless by very important people, but I wonder if I wasn't the one to make that happen. I mean, come on. Every single person I've ever been with cheating on me? That doesn't sound normal. And I can tell you for certain, those girls were awesome. I can't say for sure about Kayla, but every other person I've been in a relationship with has been an amazing and wonderful woman. I wonder if I used my magical manipulation to push them away. Maybe I really am my own worst enemy.

I don't really want to end on that note because I don't really feel that way. To be honest, the exact things I'm feeling right now are lonely (as always), sore (toboganning on ice will do that), and really content. I'm moving in with my good friend Tony, so I'm excited for that!
There! That's more positive! Hee hee. I don't get me all the time. I know who I am, but I don't always understand what I feel and why. Emotions are hard! And not good for analysis as they shift so fast! Oh well. Good day my friends!