The more I learn the more I find that I don't know enough. Every time I discover some interesting tidbit, I find that there's a new challenge that I'm not even close to being ready to face. What do I mean? Well, in case you didn't know, I've been heavily involved with things at my church, UDAC. I've actually been doing sermons, which I promise to post soon, for the young adults at least once a month. On top of that I also run games nights, a walking with God study, and GM for a pathfinder group. This coming semester I want to also start a men's ministry focusing on mentorship, as well as starting anew my apologetics bible study hybrid. Getting off topic, but I'll talk about those later. Because of my involvement, I've been more aware of other people's ideas and have been working to engage more with them, especially at school. This has been, to say the least, quite the challenge. There's been questions on the Trinity, on Jesus' divinity, on the nephalim, evolution, all sorts of stuff that I used to know, but have forgotten so much of. It feels like every step I take forward, my mind slips back two.. And with the sermons, every time I speak I learn something new. That's a good thing, but I feel like I can never get every important thing out in the one sermon. Like every tidbit needs to be explored and understood. That's really frustrating! As I don't have the time to either speak about it, or to study everything to my satisfaction. I guess that's just the curious/teacher side of me and my insatiable thirst for knowledge. I really wish it actually worked to improve your memory. Cuz I've tried. Man have I tried... Yeah, there's some stories there. Some pain. Though I guess there's some pain if you go anywhere. If that's what you look for. Maybe that's my trouble.
I'm gonna be honest with you. This semester has been just bad... There isn't the right word. Horrible? Terrible? Disastrous? Bad is the most general, yet negative word I can think of at the moment. Rough. It's been rough. I had two friends walk away from the church, a friend attempt suicide, a friend decide she didn't want to talk to me anymore.. I felt abandoned at church, I felt inadequate to speak, to get a job, to do well in school. At church my four closest friends all left for different reasons. I guess one didn't leave, but things just haven't been the same for some unfathomable reason. I just felt so crushed. Always tired. I spent so many days wondering if it would matter if I were here. Not in a suicidal way mind you, I just felt defeated. Unworthy. Useless. Abandoned. I find it amazing that I can say now that I'm stronger for it. It's been tough, and I'm still not past everything, but I do feel stronger. I had a good friend of mine as for advice, and I was actually able to help him out. That's something I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know... I guess I just feel like myself again to a point. But I almost fell back into what I was before. Before I knew God. That emptiness. I'm so grateful that He decided to still talk with me! To teach me the things I needed to hear in my own sermons. To send those unexpected people to remind you that you're not nothing. That really is the fight that I have over and over. The struggle against nothingness. I'm scared that I'll never kick it. That I'll always be haunted by it. That I'll always be afraid. But that's what's driving me on to try and get back to God over and over! That's why I'm genuinely wanting to get involved. To make a difference. If you're reading this, please pray for me. I honestly don't have the words to express how hard this semester has been. I can't tell you how hard it is to fight against the weariness. Please pray.
But, (ah that ever interesting word) I have my plans for the coming year. Let me tell you about them and why I want to do them! I'll go over them in the same order that I wrote them up above.
Sermons! I'm still going to be doing them, and I think it quite obvious why this is important. Without learning, without that growth, I don't actually think it possible to be a Christian. And let me tell you, teaching teacher more than being taught! I think that every person should teach something, which is one thing that I want to get into in my apologetics hybrid, but we'll get to that. Anyways, I absolutely love speaking, and most people say they enjoy them and get something from them, so I guess I'm doing a decent job. Always room for improvement though! I'll be getting Pastor Scott to help me out with that!
Games night! Not one you'd normally think of as being important to the Christian walk which, if you haven't noticed, is something I've been especially focused on, and will continue to be. I keep learning that God has good things to say on almost literally everything, so I've been looking for opportunities to put what I learn into practice! Games night, right. This is to promote the combining of the different age groups. So many churches that I have been to have such distinct lines between the kids, the youth, the young adults, the 'regular' adults (still haven't thought of a good title for that), and the seniors. The church is supposed to be a family. More than that, a single organism, one body. How can we be that if we keep splitting off? At games night I ask everyone to attend (and to bring any friends, so we've had a few non-Christians come, which is exciting) and we've had some success with that. Had a couple seniors, two adults, a ton of young adults, and six kids/youth (have I mentioned I'm terrible at guessing ages?) come, and I'm hoping it'll keep expanding this next semester. Lord knows I can support a ton with my giant collection of games!
Walking With God Study! This is something Rayne and I have been doing together. We just started the week before finals, so I'm not worried that it was just us for the first two weeks! But anyways, Rayne is dyslexic, and finds it hard to connect with God through reading the Bible all the time. I can relate, and so can a bunch of other people! Which is why we started this. It's learning different ways to get to know God, specifically focusing on His creation! So we'll be doing things such as nature walks and... I honestly have no idea. It'll be an adventure that's for sure! This is a brand new way of thinking for me, and I'm excited to see where it leads!
GMing a Pathfinder Game! Again, not something you'd think would be important to a Christian life. This one is a little more personal. I have a friend who comes who isn't a Christian, and he loves to talk about religion, and to be honest is more informed on a lot than me. Before we start we always end up talking for a half hour or so, and quite often have really good talks about Christianity. He's great source for challenges, and I hope that I and the others in the group can challenge him. The group also has a few of my friends that have a hard time fitting into the 'normal' crowd, so I'm really glad that I am able to create a place for them to be comfortable and have fun in!
Men's Ministry! Again, I've noticed at a lot of churches the extent of the men's ministry is to have a breakfast once a month. That's it. I feel that that is a huge wasted opportunity and I'm planning on finding some like minded men to fix that! I already have at least one on board. Basically this is both because I want to build that interconnectedness that we're supposed to have as Christians, but there's also a very personal reason I want to have a mentor around. Over the summer, and with talking to Luke, I've found that pornography is a huge problem for, unfortunately, the vast majority of young adult men. I always kind of knew that, but it never really clicked until this semester. So the first thing that I want to address is porn. How to fight it, how to help others, and what it really does to us. I've learned so much from my sermons on the incredible importance and value of both sex and marriage, and porn is so destructive of that. I know because I struggle with it daily. I know that I need backup because I fail so hard and so often, and I want to make an opportunity for others like me to learn from people who understand and have gone through it. I know that porn is also an issue for girls (surprise!), but I'm not sure I'm ready to do things with that yet. Although it's just as destructive... So yeah! Fight against porn and connect through the ages. Alright!
Finally is the Apologetics Bible Study Hybrid! This is basically just restarting the study that I did last year. Over the summer Justine took it over and it moved away from the apologetics and more towards the Bible study. That's definitely good, but it's not what I feel I'm called to. So I want to start again with the study the way that I did it. Although I know that there are a few other guys that want to get in on it, as well as a good friend from another church! So I'm hoping what will happen is that we can combine to have a place for both our churches to come to get equipped against all the modern challenges! Lord knows I need the practice... I also want to run it differently in that I don't want to be doing all of the leading. I've learned that a good way to split is having a leader to keep the study on track and bring the material, someone to engage the group and make sure everyone is included and heard (I can't remember the name of this job), and the host, who prepares the study area. I was doing all of those things when I was leading, and it was really too much. So I think I'll try to do it more in this split way this time. Oh! And apologetics is important because people are lazy. We Christians in North America just don't think much! We don't learn the most basic of things, and then get wholly disillusioned when someone comes in with the most stupid of challenge, and we don't have an answer. I get so frustrated with our laziness (and yes, I'm in there too), and I want this study to be where we can go to actually learn the things that we should know. A place where any sincere question is a good question. I want to equip people to face the challenges. Because honestly, there are really not that many hard ones. We've just become fat. Oh man, I have a lot more to say on that, but I think I'm done for tonight!
I hope that you've had a fantastic Christmas season, and I hope that God blesses you in the coming year! See you on the other side.
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