Same song. Don't panic.

And let's see if this works better! Oh boy!

Memories

This is a song that I created with my new Acid Pro 7! I like it pretty much, although I might redo some of the transitions later. Let me know what you think! Oh, it's called Memories for some reason.
https://www.box.com/s/qk01b7smipainbljt11q

Who am I?

I'm 90% sure I did something like this a while ago, but I've been learning a lot about myself recently, so I'm doing it again! Oh! I remember! I was putting down all sorts of things that I like about myself! Okay, well I'm going to be doing that, but more just looking objectively rather than just what I like. I've been sort of rediscovering myself and it's pretty darn exciting, and also incredibly frustrating and scary. Not scary as in fear, but scary in that I've discovered things that I don't like. But this will hopefully help me to better see and understand those things, which will help me out in the long run! Here we go.

First I am a thinker. I absolutely love thinking, wondering, contemplating, and mulling things over. However this has recently been brought so far to the forefront of myself that I've lost a part of me that I used to really treasure. Well, not lost, but I haven't used it in a very long time. Namely, that thing is my excellent observation. I've always loved observing people and how they react to situations, and I've used that to decide how I'd react to things and to better understand why people do the things they do. But increasingly lately I've been far more interested in abstract things. And the more time I've devoted to thinking about ideas and concepts, the less I've been able to observe people. I still can do it, I know because I was still able to recognize signs in Grace and my relationship, but I didn't devote as much energy into understanding it as I did with other things. So I guess what I need to work on is learning to balance the two. Realizing when it's time to watch and listen, and then when it's time to think and contemplate. Check.

I am incredibly passionate. In fact, I see more passion in me than I do in a lot of people. What I am most passionate for is the truth. I strive in all that I do to reveal some truth to every person I meet. This is why I'm so excited to become a teacher. Sharing with others the amazing discoveries that I've made is probably my very greatest joy. And something new that I've become passionate for is freedom. I've always seen this lack in myself and people around me, but it wasn't until just recently that I've realized what it was that I was looking at. It wasn't until recently that I've had a taste of freedom and I want to share it with absolutely everyone. My current quest to learn about forgiveness has been fueled by my passion for freedom. So yeah. I like that about me, and I hope that my strong passion continues to fuel my actions.

I am loyal to a fault. Once I've decided to connect to someone, I will stand by them come hell or high water. Unfortunately this has recently become a point of incredible pain for me. The loyalty of my heart has been at war with the logic and practicality of my mind. But even despite that I love this part of me. I feel like it is rare to find in the world someone who will remain faithful in all situations. I know full well that it isn't incredibly rare, as I do know a few people with this quality, but I am very glad to be able to count myself among them. If you are my friend, you are my friend forever. No getting out of it! Well, at least not if I can help it.

I am curious. This may seem a little boring and unremarkable, but it's a part of me that I treasure. My constant thirst for knowledge and understanding is a big part of why I relate with people so well. I genuinely want to know and understand people, so I always ask questions, which is a very attractive quality. My questions show my care I like to say. In fact, the best way to tell if I care about something is to see if I ask any questions about it. Apparently though, this can be overwhelming. But I've only had one person ever tell me that, so I'm not sure if that's necessarily true... Whatever. My curiosity fuels my knowledge, which fuels my passion for teaching, so it works out very well!

The last thing for today is something that I didn't actually realize until I was told by a whole bunch of people at once. It is that I am great at sharing joy. I think the reason I didn't really realize this is because when I'm not actively interacting with people I usually am thinking about more serious things. Again, I don't spend as much time analyzing interactions now as I used to, so when I'm investing in my thoughts it's usually about more somber matters, so I don't think much about the silliness that is so inherent in me. I remember that a while ago I said that my very favorite thing to do is to make people laugh. It's still true, and I still act in the same way, but I just haven't put my mind into it as much lately. So I guess I don't really need to work on this, cuz I'm so good at it without even realizing it, so I'm glad for that!

I have a few other things to add to the list, but I haven't had time to think on them yet, so I'll save them for another time. But I like what I have so far! So far they're all positive things, but I do have at least one specific thing that I need to work on. But that's for another time! Good night!

Dream Sequence (adding some clarity)

I had a dream tonight. I was the same person I am now, I didn't have any superpowers, and I didn't see the world through someone else's eyes. I was visiting Rosebud, though it looked a little different, and I went to see Grace. I had had a crush on her for a little while, but I knew she was already in a relationship. In one conversation we had she had told me that she was having sex with her boyfriend and she loved him very much. I thought I was better than her because I had a higher moral standard/ Before I headed back home I went to see Grace one last time. I have no idea why, but I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. She smiled from ear to ear when I said that and she came in close and just put a hand on my knee ( we were sitting together on a love seat type thing). But her eyes of joy suddenly turned into horror as she glanced behind me and saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend.I turn around but he's already left. I start to chase after him and make up a hundred different ways in my head to make it seem like it wasn't my fault, but then I stopped. It was my fault. I slowly started to make my way back to Grace's room. My mom was her roommate for some reason, and when I got there, she said she was so ashamed of me and turned her back. I again started thinking of a million different ways that I could make it seem like I was joking, or that she had misunderstood, but then I saw Grace and she was devastated  I felt ashamed, worthless, and absolutely, completely disgusting. Again I thought of ways that I could swing it so I was joking, or that she was taking it too hard, but once again I stopped. I thought, "am I Christian or not? What Should I do? It is my fault, how can I make it better?" And I was struck, because I knew that it wouldn't be better, but I knew what I had to do. I had to go in and say I'm sorry, not try to explain, unless I was asked, not to try to fix it, because I couldn't, but just had to say sorry. And then I was struck again, even more powerfully, with such incredible shame. I couldn't handle it. Luckily I didn't have to, because I woke up.

I am absolutely convinced that this dream was from God. The feelings I had in the dream were completely unmitigated, and completely real. He decided to show me what I assume is exactly how Grace felt when she betrayed me. But the thing is, I didn't even have anyone attack me for it in the dream. The closest I got was when my mom turned her back on me. I can't even imagine how devastated I made Grace feel when I selfishly and angrily struck back at her. I never even thought about it from her point of view. All I was focused on was me and my hurt, and I didn't even consider that she may be hurting exactly as much as I was, but in a way that she couldn't change. That all she could possibly do was say sorry, and I just blasted her down. I don't remember her actually saying that she was sorry, but I now see how incredibly difficult that might have been to do. And it was just something that she (and me in the dream) didn't even think about. Doesn't make it any less wrong, but it wasn't a planned betrayal. It was just a moment of weakness.

So Grace, I am so incredibly sorry, and I may ask you to read this so you'll have an idea of how much I mean it. And God, thank you for giving me this gift. I now can see exactly what my actions may have caused, and I now know how when you say that revenge is up to you, to leave it. I had my revenge before I even knew, and all the stabs I took back at her only made her pain even worse than mine. Because I was right, but really, I was so incredibly wrong. Thank you God. Don't every let me forget this lesson, and to look at any situation from the other's side. I never want to cause this much pain again. Amen.