I have decided that Grace and I shall one day take this photo in real life. That is all.

that hidden fear

You know what I find scary? You know what is the thing that can just make me want to lock myself in my room and never come out? Well, I know I'm afraid of sharks and large bodies of water and ladders, but those are just little annoying avoidable fears. What really scares me is hidden inside. It hardly ever rears it's head so I sometimes forget about it. But it's always there. Anger. I'm afraid of my anger. You know why? Because it's so strong that I don't know what would happen if I didn't keep it in check. It gives me so much power. When I'm angry I can punch through a wall, scream, destroy things. It really scares me. Because you know what? Every time I get really angry I have to keep myself from lashing out. From just crashing my fists into anything near me. Because if I did that, what could stop me? I could wreck things that I might not be able to repair. I'm thinking of what I could do and say if I let myself lose myself in my anger. It would be intoxicating because it drives away fear, but I fear what would be left in the wake. So I'll hold it inside me. Because I don't know what will happen, what I'll say, who I'll hurt. And I don't want to know. That is my fear.

The Son strikes again

Hear me all you inhabitants of the earth! Hear me and tremble at my voice! I tell tales of distruction, fear, and anger. But also the tales of truth, joy, and love! Men shall kneel in my stead and tremble at my voice, but I am merely a man! A man with a calling! With a story deep in his heart and a voice and a mind to reveal it! For I am not but the messanger of the coming one. The one who is greater than all and power beyond any imagination. Far and wide I shall tell his tale and many shall revile me for it. I shall be struck down, spat upon, and dragged through the dust, but I shall not be silenced! For there is no greater power than that that I am going to reveal to you. It is a power to conquer nations, ideas, minds, and yes, even death. It is the power that makes the mightiest of men ashamed for their greatest acceivements. To make the greatest of nations fall at a glace. To calm the most fearsome heart and make it gentle as a lamb. You shall know his name, and I shall tell his tales from the farthest reaches of the earth to the other farthest reach. I shall, and I am. Thus says the son of the Drunken Prophet.

Dear Carsyn,
I decided that I should probably write you this letter to just clear my mind and kind of figure out how to deal with what's going on. I also have decided that I'm not going to send this to you because I don't want you to have to worry or deal with it or whatever. So here I go I guess. Carsyn, I love you. As weird as it is I still do. Which made it so hard to hear that you are getting married. It was really weird and surreal when you got up the courage to actually call me and tell me. What really makes me wonder is that you said you had to "get up your courage" which means that you were afraid which means that you knew that I still loved you. And yet you kept me in the dark. That's what hurts the most. Not that you've found someone better than me, but that you didn't tell me. And I know you think that you said it, but you really didn't. There's something totally different about saying "I'm friends with this really great guy" and I'm thinking I'm going to marry him. I know that it's not like I was the best "long distance..." whatever. We never did give a name to what our relationship was which I guess ended up a bad thing. i thought that since we both loved each other we would still love each other or at least tell each other if something had changed. Carsyn, I know you don't know this, but I had intended to pick things up where we had left off and one day marry you. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I know that I didn't keep in touch as much as I should have, and I didn't come visit all that often, but you knew why that was, and I dunno. I just wish you would have told me. It was from I have a beautiful girl that I'm going to marry one day, I love her and she loves me. And then bam. I don't have anything. I wish I could be so angry at you. I wish that I could just hate you. But I can't, and I know that I'll be glad for that later. I still love you, so I want you to be happy. I guess that if he can make you happy then I can be satisfied. I can live with it. I've been praying that I can let go of my bitterness and I hope that I could even someday be friends with your soon to be husband. Just not right now. I guess now I'll just have to figure out a new way to love you. I wish you all the best. I sure hope my invitation to your wedding just got lost in the mail... I still miss you. I know that will take a while. Be happy. Goodbye.