Once upon a dream

I had a dream last night. And for once it was mostly a happy dream. I've been feeling really melancholy lately, and I've been unable to really understand why.
In my dream was Grace. I don't remember what happened before, but the last part of the dream I was sitting in a boring room, back to back with Grace. And we just talked. For hours. About life, about feelings, about what we once had. (She had a couple smart remarks about that!) It was absolutely wonderful. But then she said, "I've got to go" and that was it. It was all over again. I woke up in dismay. I am a broken man. Not destroyed, but broken. I've lost so many pieces of myself and I can never get them back. In my dream, we went over a conversation we had at camp. About how a kiss is a gift of your soul. I still believe that. I've given away so much of myself. If I ever decide to get married, I can never give her my first kiss, I can never give her all of me because I don't have all of me to give. Carsyn and Grace... Not so much the first two, I didn't really put much into those, but I gave my all. Everything I had. I truly hope it was wonderful for them, I truly hope they didn't do the same for me. I don't want them to have any regrets. But what can I do? Can I piece together all I have left and create a whole man once again? Or will I just have to get used to the fact that I am broken, and all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put me together again. (I'm not sure how the horses are supposed to help)
Or maybe that's what marriage is about. Or part of it at least. Maybe the two becoming one is the filling in of the cracks so to speak. Maybe that is what it is. Two people completing each other. Two broken people becoming whole. That thought makes my heart ache, because I don't know if I'll ever have that. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. I hope so, but I somehow doubt it. Who wants a guy as broken as me?

FTW

Ladies and gentlemen, you may not know this, but I play on a soccer team. This soccer team is named Infinity. Tonight I scored not a goal, not a point, but a moment. The goalie of the opposing team had run out of the net, as all of our team was up, except me. The one game this season I decided to play defense, and I had stood back, as a good defense should. Time slowed down a little, the goalie hit the first line on the field. Time slowed again, I could see the little stress lines as he battled to keep away from our center, who was struggling valiantly to retrieve the ball. He reached midfield and slid, hoping to get the ball around me, but it jumped right over his leg and towards my waiting figure. It was the perfect setup. The ball coming directly towards me, no weird spin, no opposing players, just me and the ball. The moment of connection was exhilarating, a moment of pressure, then I watched as the ball sailed up, up, up, much too high to stay in the field. It was a valiant effort, but too much power, not enough control. I watched as the other players started to walk back into position. But then... The ball reentered my vision, it still hadn't touched the netting above the goal, it was still floating, perfectly content, perfectly in bounds. And then, thunk. The screen at the back of the net shuddered, and a whistle blew. There was a second of confusion but all eyes turned to the net. The ball... was in.

Dream Sequence

I had two dreams today. They're fading pretty fast, so I'll just give them a cursory description.
In the first, I'm at a family dinner/get together at a nice little cabin in Rosebud.There's also some family friends there, and we're hanging out and playing games when Grace arrives and is moving pictures and grabbing things, I ask her what she's doing and she says she's preparing for something. She doesn't really want to talk, but I, being the oblivious ox I am, don't notice and keep trying to have a conversation with her. Eventually she snaps and tells me I'm an idiot and she never wants to see or talk to me again. I see a look of shock on my face as the dream fades.

The next dream is a whole lot weirder. At first I'm a trucker trying to go in the middle of winter, so there's snow all over the road. I make a stop to see Luke, but the truck gets stuck so I have to set out to find help. I eventually get to a building and I realize that I'm an evil overlord and that I'm trying to create an army of monsters. I make a few new ones, and manage to get to the next level of monster creation, when I have to go and find out what the disturbance is at a nearby building. There I find a ton of kids, and half of them are pretending to be zombies. I pull out an imaginary pistol and, very seriously, start picking off different zombies, looking for survivors. Some of the kids actually go down when I 'shoot' them, but some don't. I even reload and everything. This is a serious game of zombies! I find a number of survivors scattered around (most of them just wandering around with the zombies) and start forming a band of survivors. Then I notice Luke (who's closer to seven feet tall) and run up to him. I start waking up as we start the conversation, so I'm not actually sure what we say.

I've been having a lot of dreams about Grace lately. It's weird. And frustrating. She always treats me like crap in them. I hate feeling worthless.