A new way to be human

I just realized that it only takes me about a millisecond to decide on the title of a post, even if I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to talk about! Interesting... Anyways, I've discovered that people tend to think as they talk instead of what I usually try to do, which is have my idea fully thought out before voicing it. However, I now realize that my method doesn't really work all that well for me considering my horrible memory. So I'm going to be trying more to let myself be unsure of my thoughts even as I voice them. This'll be a very odd transition!
Anyways, I was just thinking about something that Rayne and I were talking about last night, namely the idea of people and goodness. The way I look at it is that we are made in God's image, and that image is our spirit or soul. Now that soul is in and of itself good, because it is a reflection of God, who is the very definition of good. Kind of think of a mirror, and stick with me. But Satan comes along and messes up this world, and that ends up dirtying our mirror.
My friend/acquaintance David said that one of the biggest lies that Christians tend to believe is that we are garbage, when in fact we are simply broken. I agree with him, but I also like the idea of a dirty mirror more. But broken makes sense to me too.
I just had a thought. So we're mirrors right? But I wasn't sure how to make that connect with the idea of Christianity as a transformation. But I have an idea. What if our souls become what it is that we point ourselves at. Think of us as mirrors all walking around on the earth. Some of us point at money, some at popularity, some at sex. Now each of these things is good, but because of Satan's meddling we can't have the perfect true goodness in the world, and therefore, pointing ourselves at these things will end up making us a shadow the the true goodness these things are supposed to be.
So what if the transformation of Christianity is God twisting our frames from looking at the things in the world, to instead point towards him. We see the light in the things in the world, and we strive to get it, to feel it, to bring that light into ourselves. We say to God that we can figure out the light ourselves, we can uncover it, we can get that light ourselves, but God says, "I am the way, the truth, and the LIGHT!" It's hard to let God turn our frames because it's too bright, it hurts our eyes.
It's because of God that there is light shining on the things in the world, and maybe another way of looking at it is that all the good things on the earth are mirrors themselves. They have the light shining on them, but they can't reflect it perfectly. They have the grime of corruption on them. Maybe we keep on looking for goodness and light, but we miss the sun.
I need to figure out how to say this better, but I think I like what's coming of this. Good talk. See ya.

Feelings...

Well, I finally figured out what I've been feeling lately. I've been so tired that I thought I was just feeling everything as more tiredness, but I've managed to identify what's going on! Yay! I'm feeling tired, lonely, ugly, useless, unworthy, and unwanted. And one that I don't know the word for, but I can describe it. It's like I'm supposed to be someone else, someone better, but I'm just not. To borrow and paraphrase a metaphor from Hugo, I feel like the world is a machine, but I'm one of the extra parts. I'm irrelevant. There's the word! Frig. Did I mention I've been very pessimistic lately?

I just realized that I've become a lot more pessimistic since being with Grace...

Hello to the USA

I was just checking my stats and it turns out that almost every viewer I've had has been from the US, along with one lonely guy from china... This is kind of awesome because it means I have random people reading my blog, which is cool, but it also means that absolutely none of my friends are/have read it. Which is substantially less cool. So let's see what's changed in the past few days shall we?
Still suck for sleeping. I know I should probably be lying in bed right now trying to sleep, but it hasn't worked yet, so I've pretty much given up on getting any sleep before five. I'm just tired. You know it.
Rayne and I are doing announcements at church tomorrow, which is cool. We just go early to find out what the announcements are, and then improvise a short scene telling the church about it. It's pretty fun. I've been connecting better with Rayne the last few days as well, which is fantastic! Although she still doesn't touch anymore, which is really grating on my nerves...
I've decided to create my own Love List out of one of the many spares that Rayne made for the show, so we shall see how that goes. I know what about half of them will be, but the rest I have no clue. Should be good.
I didn't end up having people over for games tonight, which is fine. I ended up hanging out with Rayne for most of the day, and then Josh came home and Derek came over and we got groceries and watched Hugo. It was really artsy. I didn't really like it. Hee hee. Our oven handle broke, so Rayne tried using some industrial glue she had, and we ended up spending two hours holding the handle in place because we didn't have a clamp. It also turns out that Rayne didn't read the part where it says on the glue bottle that it doesn't work for plastics or metal, which is what the handle and oven are made of, respectively. It was fine though. I got to hang out with my best friend for the longest time in a long time, so I don't mind at all.
I've got one assignment due on Monday for History and Development, and I've only completed a third of it, so I'm not looking forward to doing that all day tomorrow, and I need to write a critique on an article I can barely understand for Sociology on Tuesday, so that'll be a barrel full of fun...
It's that whole problem of the 'but' if you know what I mean. If you don't, I mean that there is always some sort of exception to a positive statement. So I can say that I'm enjoying life right now, but I just feel so tired and lonely right now. I don't feel loved. I know I'm loved, I know that a hundred percent, but I don't feel it. That's what I hate. Eh. Life just sucks and I'm gonna have to get used to it I guess! Good night yall!