I see that I have not posted in here in a very long time. There have been many things that I had wished to say, but apparently they went unsaid. That is so like me it's annoying! I wish that I would just get everything out every once in a while. It's not like anyone reads this anyways! But I guess I'm just too used to keeping everything inside. I'm afraid people wouldn't like the real unleashed me. Heck, I don't know if I'd like the real unleashed me! I guess that's why I don't let much out. I'm still scared of myself. I know that there is ugliness inside of me, just like everyone else, but if I can just crush it, no one will ever know. Great logic, but life just doesn't work that way... My head really hurts...

Why?

Ok. I am really angry right now and I don't exactly know why. Well partly because my stupid computer can't remember the stupid password so that I can actually post on this stupid thing. So after about ten minutes of scrambling I can finally post in here and now I don't remember what it even was that I was going to write... I really don't like myself right now... I've changed so much over school but I'm wondering if that's really such a good thing. I've been really quick tempered lately (which is like saying "the cows are especially intelligent today"), I can't seem to make myself care about anything, and I've even started to judge people. I guess that sounds kinda dumb but I've always prided myself in never judging people untill I had actually talked with them and gotten to know them. The caring thing isn't so new which is really frusterating. I mean, I go to school and they try to teach me to be open with my emotions and let stuff affect me, but I don't even care! I want to care so badly, but I just can't do it. And I am still scared absolutely to death with failing. I'm still short almost a thousand dollars for school, which is fine because my parents will gladly pay for it and I still have another week to work anyways, but I can't even make myself tell them because that means that I failed. That I didn't have what it takes to get all the money I need and that I just am not strong enough. MAN I need to hit something... And the thing that I've been most angry about is that I have no relationship with God. None! And I don't care. I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't make myself care. I've been reading and hearing so much lately that God is love and loves you for who you are no matter what, but I just can't believe that He'd love me. I don't believe that I'm worth that. I mean, the God of the universe, who created everything and IS goodness, loving a worthless piece of crap like me. I can't believe that. I hate this, I have so much knowledge (well more than most people anyways) about God and Christianity and stuff, but I have no experience. It's the difference between looking at a map and actually traveling to the places on it. I know that Chrisianity is right, I've found that with my research and from other people who've figured it out, but I can't DO it. What good is a beautiful piece of music if there's no one to play the notes?