It's been another year. A really odd year. I can't quite describe how out of the ordinary it was. It's like every part of my life that I've spent more than a decade working on and building all got thrown out the window seemingly for nothing. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but what the crap was all that? I thought I was moving in the right direction, thought God was leading me to Calgary, to new opportunities, new relationships, new joys. Instead I mostly just got really really really lonely. Sara was a welcome respite in that, one that I selfishly took advantage of. I've a new appreciation of my own depravity. My selfishness, lies, manipulations, faithlessness, and duplicity. My selfishness lead to harming possibly my favorite relationship I've ever been in. Sara was incredible. She kept me sane during insane work hours, long long weeks, and stressful trip planning. She was so much of what I could possibly hope for. Fun, funny, incredibly gorgeous, smart, outspoken, a board gamer, caring, a great cook, thoughtful, always looking for adventure. I learned and grew a lot from her. And I screwed it all up. The start of the relationship was rocky. She's not a Christian, so I didn't want to introduce her to my friends and family because I didn't want any of them to tell me no. That this was a bad idea. That we'd butt heads about really important things. But I didn't care. I was lonely. That insipid killer, loneliness. I felt like life was just... drudgery. Day after day after day. No hope. She gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was actually good enough to be with someone as wonderful as her. I hurt her. I was the monster. I've been hurt in pretty much every relationship, but this time I was the heart breaker. It's not easier on the other side. It's not nice to look at yourself and groan. Sure she hurt me back. I'm in so much pain right now. But I started it. I just wish I could talk to her. We could figure out anything if we talked face to face. Anything. And we had. Sure, we didn't always reach a conclusion, but we pushed through and knew that we were on each other's team. I won't pretend that I was willing to be all in, but things were really good. We had a lot of fun together. We cared deeply for one another. At least I thought we did. Maybe I just hurt her too bad. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to figure things out. I just don't understand... She knows I'm garbage at texting. I told her that I couldn't fight over text. It was too hard. I couldn't make myself clear. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't use the intonation to show that no matter what I was on her side. I think I screwed up in what I texted to her. She asked me to tell her her faults, and after confirming she really wanted me to, I did. I mirrored back the places she had told me she was broken. Past relationships, self worth, self image. She blew up at me. Called me names, of all things. I didn't know how to react. If we were talking we could have figured it out. I'm simultaneously terrified and furious. Why be mad at me for what she asked for? Why blow up about things that she had said? Because I listened to her? Because we weren't together anymore so I wasn't supposed to remember? What if I lose her forever? Last year she was the best thing in my life. Now she's gone. Maybe not forever, but she was so angry. So hurt. I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could be honest and open with each other. Where we'd be there for each other no matter what. We both said those words. That we'd be there for each other. Why would she lie? I know she didn't mean to, that she meant it in the moment, but isn't the whole point of being a man or woman of your word to have what you say matter? What you promise? Well, I guess I'm not one to talk. I lied and hid to everyone else in my life. I'm no better. I'm worse. She at least tried. I'm trying now. I've told everyone everything. Begged forgiveness for my lies. Now I just hope I can ask her forgiveness too. I desperately hope for it. I desperately hope that this wasn't all for nothing. That I didn't lose one of the best things in my life. It just HURTS. I cried so hard for so many days. I just don't understand. 2024 has been really rough so far. There is hope on the horizon, but it's such a long way off. I feel like I don't have the strength to keep struggling towards it. I know that the next six days will be better. The next six weeks will be better. The next six months will be better. I just can't see that in there here and now. I feel hopeless. We'll see.
