Turmoil in paradise

So here's the problem. I miss my best friend. I miss her so much. But. At least from the last time I talked with her I discovered that my throat starts to seize up when I started trying to confront this problem. What is this problem you ask? You see, she's married, but going through a divorce, and is now living with her new boyfriend, who just got her pregnant. Never mind that she didn't tell me that she got pregnant. I found that out from another friend, who playfully said, "oh, but you probably already knew that!" I haven't felt so crushed since I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me. I can't even describe... And it wasn't even until last month, which means that I am most likely the last person in her life that heard the news. I get why she did it kinda. I mean, she didn't want me to be all disappointed or something. That would probably have been pretty hard on her. I mean, I'm her best friend. What I think matters. Frick. Well apparently I am minding that, so sue me. But back to the problem. She told me that she and him 'decided' to have a child together because they're running out of time to build a family (which is bullshit) and that it was hard to fight against the temptation, and it just felt right. But when you're faced with temptation, you don't just fall into it, you run from it. Get out! And I've been dealing with a few mormons for a while now, and the most frustrating thing about the situation is that they are so driven by emotion and feelings! "You just need to read the Book of Mormon with a true heart and then pray, and you'll feel that it's true. You'll know." THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. Christianity and the Bible teaches that we can know what's right and true by READING THE BIBLE. It is our final authority. It in fact teaches in Jeremiah that the heart is desperately wicked. Desperately. Do you understand what that means? That means that it will take every single chance to push to wickedness. That feelings are almost the opposite of what we should be looking to. Huh. Apparently I'm also really frustrated with the mormons. Good to know. But anyways. I know that we are supposed to correct each other as brother and sister in the Lord. We are told that we need to keep each other accountable and to lovingly point out where we need to pay attention to our sin and work together to fix it. And from the sound of it, no one in her life is telling her that what she's doing is so so wrong. But I'm terrified to confront her on it. I confronted her before with her husband before they got married. Ironically in almost the exact same situation. And I hurt her. I failed in my love. I couldn't figure out how to communicate in a way that was loving and truthful. I've always been good at truth. I'm smart. But I suck when it comes to emotions, and love has a lot of emotions as part of it. So I don't want to hurt her again. Because it hurts me. Sigh... The worst thing is that I don't have a solution for her. Because now everything is more complicated with a kid and another one on the way. I don't know what the right answer is. I think I know the wrong answer, but I feel like that's not good enough. I don't want to screw with her life, but I feel like I can't sit by and say nothing. I'm supposed to be her best friend. We should be able to talk about anything, to say anything, and know that we're on each other's team. I want her to know that I'm behind her, but I can't agree with her current choice. And I want that to be okay. I miss her so badly. I miss having someone that I can talk about the hard things with. Heck, I miss having someone around that's less broken than I am.

Backpacking through life

It's a new year. Yep. I was hoping that the new year would be full of new opportunities, but so far everything has been rather crappy. And considering it's only the first day, that's really not a good thing! But here's the thing, I had a crappy day and ended up calling my good friend Carl, who I haven't had a chance to talk with for a while. Almost over Christmas, but it didn't work out. And I just got to tell him everything that was going on and everything that was frustrating me and it was really really good. I never really talk about myself to people, which is a little odd. But it was good. It was good to process a bit and just be frustrated and angry and tired. I'm too private, and I think that partly has to do with how I always pick the most troubled people as my closest friends. So I can focus on them and help them, but I don't feel I can put any of my problems or frustrations on them. Which probably isn't true, but that's the way I work. But Carl reminded me of something that I forgot, and something I need to do more thinking on. He reminded me that I can always see the good in people and in situations. And that is really important for me to remember because it's true. I often feel like I'm cynical, and to a point I am, but that's really only when it comes to general things. But when it comes to the specifics, to the people I see day to day, I really look for the good. And that gets me into trouble sometimes because I avoid seeing the bad that's going on. That gets me hurt sometimes. I really need to keep looking for the good though, because I'm struggling right now. I can see the good in others but I just can't in myself and my situation. I feel like a failure, like I just can't make it. I feel so tired. I thought to myself this morning, "could someone stop the world please? I'd like to get off". But there is good. I have some places where I'm learning. I have a job. I have friends here that, even if we're not as close as I used to be, care about me and I care for. I miss Rayne though. So much. God give me strength and endurance as I try desperately to run this race. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Happy New Years everyone. Good night.