Cuz here's the thing. Though I may be generous, I struggle (a lot) with finances. Though I may be loving, I am consistently focused on my own desires. Though I may be (sorta) godly, I struggle with laziness. I honestly don't know that I'm worth marrying right now. Now I don't mean that in a self depreciating way, but rather in that I don't think I'm at the point where I'd make a good husband. Heck, I ever suck at eating well, how do I expect to take care of my wife if I don't care enough to care for myself? I dunno... I just feel like I'm at an impasse that I've been stuck at for a long time. I've grown in my faith and in my knowledge, but I don't feel like I've grown as a man. I still feel and often act like a spoiled kid. Expecting things to go my way without having to put in any effort... It's that dreaded word: responsibility. I tell myself that I'm willing to do what it takes, but am I really? I've taken on quite a lot of responsibilities this year, and I've found that I've been doing them more and more halfheartedly. That may just be because of my health, but that's not a good excuse! I look at Chelsea and Rayne, and they both have done Amazing things despite their myriad of health problems. I guess this entry is just a call for me to step up. To stop making excuses and to take the steps to be the man I want to be. Because I want to be a good husband. I want it more than almost anything...
It reminds me of Philippians 4:13 (I had to look that up), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But that doesn't mean that success will come my way. Rather, look at the verses before, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I'm not promised success in everything I do, I'm promised that no matter what Does end up happening, God will bring me through it.
I'd like to end in a prayer:
God, thank you for being there for me. You've been with me through many tough times, times that I felt like I had no reason to go on. You know that I want to be a good man. You know that one day I want to be a good husband. I pray that you'd help to bring me to that point. God you are just so amazing! So far beyond anything I can understand! It doesn't make sense that you'd care to listen to me, to talk with me. I read an article today where the guy said that it wasn't that impressive you dying on the cross. After all, that's just your nature, and it's really more impressive when us flimsy humans sacrifice ourselves. But he's wrong! In your perfection, in your true and perfect justice, you should have nothing to do with us! You should leave us to rot in our own mistakes and screw ups... But instead you listen, you care, you act on our behalf, and the cherry on top, you Saved us! You decided that I was worth enough for you to do something completely beyond expectation. Why would you do that? Don't you know me? God, I can't see the worth that you see in me. I can't see why you would do something as ridiculous as dying for me. Thank you. There's nothing I can say but Thank you! Thank you! I know I don't deserve it, but you've said that I'm worth it. I pray that you'd give me the strength to live for you. Because I keep forgetting. I need you to remind me that honestly, there's nothing important but you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last and everything in between! I want to live for you, but even in that I need your help, your strength. God, I also want to be a man worthy of Chelsea. You've done amazing things with her, and she's an amazing woman. It boggles my mind that she sees something in me that she likes. That she's willing to take a chance on. I pray that you would help me to bring that out. To become the man you want me to be. To be strong, loving, a leader, godly, and on fire for you. Thank you for bringing me thus far, and I pray you continue to take me closer to you. Thank you God.
Amen
