http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io0yQfX10-s
Oh man. It makes my toes tingle. It excites me deep inside. This is my life right now. Also, it's my favorite band...
Sunday, April 28
Tuesday, April 23
Dream Sequence
Tonight I just had two pretty short dreams. The first I don't remember all that well, but I do remember that Sally, Rayne, and one other girl and I were all going to a movie. We were at some university when we all decided to head out, but none of us had a car, so Rayne and I got on one bike, and Sally and the other girl got on the other. It started to rain a little, but it was a light and refreshing rain, so no one minded. I started off towards the theatre, across a ludicrously large parking lot, when I glanced behind me to see Sally racing her bike parallel to mine, and then suddenly try to turn. They must have been going at least sixty, because the bike skidded on the slick pavement, and they both went tumbling across the ground, bouncing and screaming. Then I heard a sickening crack, and saw Sally's arm crumple underneath her. I tell Rayne to call an ambulance and to see to Sally because I knew Rayne had first aid, and I didn't know what to do. Then I ran as fast as I could to find help. I ran through the yards of a bunch of houses, and over some of their fences. Finally I got to the school, and I found Chris. I told him what was going on, and he told me he knew what to do and so we headed back. Only we headed back very slowly, because Chris would stop every once in a while to appreciate something or other. When we finally got back to the parking lot, Sally was moved to the end closest to us, and there were about a dozen other people, some playing basketball, some chatting, and everyone trying to act normal to fight their panic. (or it could be that they just were there doing that because dreams are weird) Chris started to help Sally when the dream ended.
I'm not sure how the second dream started, but I remember that I and a few other people were scattered across a number of small pallets floating on a huge lake in a warehouse. It was probably about thirty or fourty feet deep, and went on further than I could see. I was on my pallet, terrified out of my mind, because, let's face it, I'm terrified of big bodies of water, when some mermaids showed up and swam around and under the pallets everyone was on. Suddenly one person screamed and was pulled under the water, when all of the mermaids turned into the Pirates of the Caribbean ones, and started trying to drag everyone in. Being that I am terrified of water, and now had terrifying things attacking me from that, I leaped about twenty five feet up against the wall and then managed to keep myself there by pushing against two vertical steel beams. I should mention that the group was very close to the corner of the warehouse. I looked back down, but all of the mermaids had gone. Soon a guy, who apparently I knew from before, showed up in a little tug boat, and started picking up the people still stranded. He noticed me way up and made fun of me, but while he was distracted, he rammed the boat into on of the steel beams, and it started to smoke. He muttered something about crappy equipment and I spotted a number of different kinds of sharks swimming around. Now, if you know me, and you know how terrified I am of sharks, you'll know how crazy it was that I came down and ballanced myself on one of the pallets. The people in the boat were trying to figure out how they could safely get to the exit, which was in the corner. I (again crazily) said, "I'll show you how." and proceeded to leap from pallet to pallet at top speed until I went flying into the safety of the solid floor. Sally was working at one of several computers, looking fit as a fiddle, and I gave her a huge hug and told her I was so glad she was okay. She then started to tell me that yes she was okay, and went to explain why, but it was something about how she had been having trouble with her family or friends or something and I realized that she had broken her arm in the other dream, and that apparently dreams don't carry over. I was still relieved to see her though, and I told her, and then went to explore a little bit. (I have no idea what happened to the people on the boat. I assume they followed my example and got out, but I never saw them again, so I don't know) I turned a corner and saw this extremely lanky guy kick Tony into a wall, where he collapsed. The guy then turned and kicked at me, but I grabbed his foot and started twisting when a list of different fighting moves appeared, along with a number representing their various effectiveness and level of difficulty. The move I was just doing was colored red and was marked as a 10.34, with the next highest being a 10.24, and the rest being around two or three. I did my "aren't I so great" look, and started to finish the move, but the man stopped me by saying that he would still fight as hard as he could. Tony tried to encourage me to fight, but I let the guy's leg drop, hung my head, and asked him earnestly if he would please leave us alone and let us leave. When I looked up I saw that the man was actually a picture book, and the conversation was written on the pages and they slowly turned. I expectantly waited for an answer, and the page turned to a blank page with a picture of some nice rolling hills and a rabbit. Finally the page flipped again, and it said that he would grant my request.
The End.
I'm not sure how the second dream started, but I remember that I and a few other people were scattered across a number of small pallets floating on a huge lake in a warehouse. It was probably about thirty or fourty feet deep, and went on further than I could see. I was on my pallet, terrified out of my mind, because, let's face it, I'm terrified of big bodies of water, when some mermaids showed up and swam around and under the pallets everyone was on. Suddenly one person screamed and was pulled under the water, when all of the mermaids turned into the Pirates of the Caribbean ones, and started trying to drag everyone in. Being that I am terrified of water, and now had terrifying things attacking me from that, I leaped about twenty five feet up against the wall and then managed to keep myself there by pushing against two vertical steel beams. I should mention that the group was very close to the corner of the warehouse. I looked back down, but all of the mermaids had gone. Soon a guy, who apparently I knew from before, showed up in a little tug boat, and started picking up the people still stranded. He noticed me way up and made fun of me, but while he was distracted, he rammed the boat into on of the steel beams, and it started to smoke. He muttered something about crappy equipment and I spotted a number of different kinds of sharks swimming around. Now, if you know me, and you know how terrified I am of sharks, you'll know how crazy it was that I came down and ballanced myself on one of the pallets. The people in the boat were trying to figure out how they could safely get to the exit, which was in the corner. I (again crazily) said, "I'll show you how." and proceeded to leap from pallet to pallet at top speed until I went flying into the safety of the solid floor. Sally was working at one of several computers, looking fit as a fiddle, and I gave her a huge hug and told her I was so glad she was okay. She then started to tell me that yes she was okay, and went to explain why, but it was something about how she had been having trouble with her family or friends or something and I realized that she had broken her arm in the other dream, and that apparently dreams don't carry over. I was still relieved to see her though, and I told her, and then went to explore a little bit. (I have no idea what happened to the people on the boat. I assume they followed my example and got out, but I never saw them again, so I don't know) I turned a corner and saw this extremely lanky guy kick Tony into a wall, where he collapsed. The guy then turned and kicked at me, but I grabbed his foot and started twisting when a list of different fighting moves appeared, along with a number representing their various effectiveness and level of difficulty. The move I was just doing was colored red and was marked as a 10.34, with the next highest being a 10.24, and the rest being around two or three. I did my "aren't I so great" look, and started to finish the move, but the man stopped me by saying that he would still fight as hard as he could. Tony tried to encourage me to fight, but I let the guy's leg drop, hung my head, and asked him earnestly if he would please leave us alone and let us leave. When I looked up I saw that the man was actually a picture book, and the conversation was written on the pages and they slowly turned. I expectantly waited for an answer, and the page turned to a blank page with a picture of some nice rolling hills and a rabbit. Finally the page flipped again, and it said that he would grant my request.
The End.
Thursday, April 4
simply being loved
Ah life. I still swear in my head a lot... I should really be working on Astronomy. Or drama. Or memorizing. Or writing up QR codes.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.
What do you do when you actually wish you didn't exist? I mean, obviously it's not an always feeling, but seriously. What if love really is the absolute most important thing and you find yourself without it? Now I'm not saying I'm not loved. There isn't a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am. But what about when you don't feel it at all? But you can't exactly tell anyone because you know that if they do decide to do something it'll be because of my asking and not their giving. And it's selfish isn't it? To be lonely in a crowd of people. Rayne told me today that I'd been "mopey" ever since Christmas on and off. First I analyzed to see if I had changed any, and I haven't noticed any changes in me. But then I thought to see if there were any external changes. The one that I can think of, and that would make the most sense of any mopeyness, is that I was no longer in a relationship. But I knew that I shouldn't be in that relationship, so I tried to figure out why the effects hadn't worn off yet. It's because I didn't have anyone feeding me love. I don't know if you know this, but I get love from touch. Gifts, kinda nice; encouraging words, don't care; acts of service, I'll take it; Hanging out, certainly helps, but touch me, and it makes me feel worthwhile. It makes me think that maybe I'm not gross, that maybe I'm not repulsive, that I too am worth being near. You may think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I know that's not what it means, but my heart doesn't give a shit what my head thinks. The truth is, I struggle every day with my self worth. I struggle to see myself as someone worth caring about, worth loving. The truth is, I just want to feel loved again. If there's one thing that I got from my relationship with Grace, it was love. I may have been frustrated with the expression, but I never felt that she didn't love me (until near the end of course). I miss that. I miss her. I don't care what she did to me, I miss her. I realize that makes me a hopeless hang on, but I miss her. I've given her her freedom, but I honestly want to bump into her somewhere and talk for hours. She still has my heart. We'll never be in a relationship again, and I think that's a good thing, but if she reached out to me, I would do everything in my power to help her. I guess my heart has no return address. I gave it, and it's gone. Maybe I'll be able to give it again, but I'm not up for that. I crave the intimacy and love, but I can't commit to someone again. Not now. I'm sorry this is rambley and there isn't really a point to it, but no one reads this anyways. Just me. Right now, I wish I didn't exist.
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