Life Lessons Learned

Greetings dear blog! I've decided that I want to write down some of the things that I've learned and have been learning since Grace and my breakup. A lot of people have told me that it'll be a learning experience, and knowing my memory, I'd better actually write it down before I forget and the lesson is partly lost! I'll probably also put down random thoughts and feelings as well. I've been having lots of those lately.

The first thing that I've really learned is that God is the only one that you can really trust and count on. If you lean on another person either they will collapse because they can't handle it, or they'll let you drop. The only one you can count on to hold you up is God because he can and did handle absolutely anything. He will never betray you and let you drop.

I've learned that I enjoy hanging out with people a lot more than I thought. That the church is a place for healing as well as learning.
I've learned that people can just be plain old wrong, without an ulterior motive or a mistake in reasoning.
I've learned that just asking once isn't enough, you have to hunt to really find out what's going on. Actually, now that I think of it, that's complete crap. Asking is enough. If the person doesn't want to answer, that's their problem, not any failing of my own.

I've learned that living a good life is so much easier when you realize that you really can't do it.
I've learned that a good relationship is one that grants you freedom. A good relationship is where both sides can speak their minds and be completely unafraid of being belittled or unheard.
I've learned a good person is one who is willing to entertain the thought that they might actually be wrong.

I've learned that I am a good man. My confidence in myself has actually grown because I can look at what I've done and know that I did the very best I could. I stood true to my friends, my love, and my principals.
I've learned that I desperately want to love people. I fought against my anger and hurt because I treasure my friendships more than I ever knew. I've learned that I have a very odd ability to keep a relationship with someone without being with them. What I mean by that is that if I saw one of my friends that I haven't seen in a long time, it would be like we never were apart. I am apparently uniquely situated to deal with long distance relationships!

I've learned just how destructive my relationship was getting. Every time I was afraid that I had unknowingly added the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't do so many things that I really should have because I was afraid that it would be viewed the wrong way. Now that I'm free, I actually hang out with my friend a lot. Rayne and my relationship has grown a lot because I feel free to hang out and do things, just her and me. I've discovered that I spent way too much energy on my relationship that didn't help. I was always wondering what Grace was doing and wishing she could be here, and wondering if I was doing something she would think was wrong. I have so many useful things to focus on now! I've started getting serious about learning guitar, I've been working on my creativity with songwriting and board game designs, and most importantly I've actually spent time talking with God instead of always being preoccupied with thinking of Grace. That's not saying that thinking about Grace was bad at all, but I put so much energy and attention in that didn't help anyone or anything. Instead of never knowing what to do, I now get to decide it for myself. I have energy again, and I don't feel guilty about focusing on my friends.

The final thing that I've learned again is how incredibly blessed I am. I am blessed to have an absolutely wonderful family that is always there for me. I am blessed to have friends that encourage me and challenge me, and are always up for some fun! I'm blessed to be the man that I am. I can look at myself and, aside from getting thrown off cuz I never look in a mirror ("Is that what I look like???"), I am happy with what I see. I am blessed to have a wonderful church that has helped me to grow so much and has recognized my gifts and encouraged me in them.

And I really want to end on this note. I have been incredibly blessed to have had a wonderful relationship with a woman that I love very much. It got bad by the end, but I have learned so much and have been able to extend grace to the people who have wronged me. I may regret some of the things I did or said, but in the end I will never regret being in that relationship. Thank you Grace and thank you God for that!

The voices in my head

Like most people (I think) I have a lot of conversations in my head. I really enjoy doing this because it allows for me to actually be prepared if something like the conversation actually happens in real life. Because of this a lot of my head conversations are about apologetics and theology. So I've decided that every once in a while I'm going to actually put down a bit of the conversations I have, just for fun! This one has been sort of reoccurring lately, and it's more of a response to Christopher Hitchens who said that religion is so popular because humans have the natural want to be unfree.

"I'm afraid that for me I'd have to completely disagree. In fact I would say it's exactly the opposite. I am a Christian precisely because I wish to be free. I want to be free to be who I want to be, and I'm not. Cuz I want to be honest, but I lie. I want to be generous, but I'm selfish. I want to be loving, but I often get so frustrated that I can't. I want to be good. But I am not free to be good because some part of me fights against goodness. But I know a guy who is good. And so I am doing my best to follow him. You probably have people that you have tried to follow. People that you are inspired by and want to be more like. And that's not because you want to be stuck, it's because you want to be free. You and I want to have the freedom and the capacity to be who we want to be. You want to be an excellent scientist, and I want to be good. Christianity, for me, isn't about rules, it's about becoming free of what holds me back, and I will follow that crazy man Jesus until the day that I get there."

I just realized that aside from the situation with Grace and Carl, my life is fantastic right now. I have amazing and supportive friends, I'm studying something I love, I don't really want for any material thing, and I've been getting to have all sorts of fun things to do recently! It's kinda making me feel guilty for still having rough days.

Today I yelled at the top of my lungs till I couldn't breath anymore. It didn't make me feel any better though. Oh well!

Feelings of life

Today I feel ugly. I feel worthless, stupid, and unwanted. But mostly I feel lonely. I just want to be okay again. Is that so much to ask?

sorry about that. All better now.

FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOU!!!